Husband incapable of emotional intimacy...

[JaneFW]

This is a huge area of concern for many women. There are no simplistic answers though. Our highly individualistic lifestyle seldom neither challenges nor supports men learning about greater self awareness and emotional intimacy. There are conversations many people need to engage in, but few places or people where than can even begin.

John
NZ

What do you see as the answer to this John? Is it upbringing? Do boys need to be raised differently than they are being raised at present?

 

[donnamabob]

I was just wondering, are there any key questions that I could ask my husband to help identify if he does have any kind of a disability? Or are there any "signs" that I could watch for?

Or...I guess any ways to tell for sure if this is just rooted in a deep insecurity like I'm suspecting?

 

[dallasapple]

I was just wondering, are there any key questions that I could ask my husband to help identify if he does have any kind of a disability? Or are there any "signs" that I could watch for?

Or...I guess any ways to tell for sure if this is just rooted in a deep insecurity like I'm suspecting?

If its anything like some form of autism...its a battery of questions and analyzing by a professional you need..The only thing you could ask him is about his history to give you a hint..like if in school they ever suspected something but never had him tested or DID and ruled anything out etc..There is a huge range of level of functioning from my understanding for that(autisim)..highly functioning all the way to severe where the person is like Rainman..if you ever saw that movie and they need lifetime care ..they can not care for themselves..I think there are KEY commonalities though..like the fear of change..and lacking in understaninding(not just showing) but understanding emotons..things like they dont 'understand" humor....some are highly sensitive to sound..etc...

You can do your research but if it IS something like Aspergers I dont think it has anything to do with "deep seated fears" or insecurities like a personality disorder..I think its more like a brain functioning issue..Like ADD.....These other laidies can tell you more Im sure..

Dallas

 

[donnamabob]

If its anything like some form of autism...its a battery of questions and analyzing by a professional you need..The only thing you could ask him is about his history to give you a hint..like if in school they ever suspected something but never had him tested or DID and ruled anything out etc..There is a huge range of level of functioning from my understanding for that(autisim)..highly functioning all the way to severe where the person is like Rainman..if you ever saw that movie and they need lifetime care ..they can not care for themselves..I think there are KEY commonalities though..like the fear of change..and lacking in understaninding(not just showing) but understanding emotons..things like they dont 'understand" humor....some are highly sensitive to sound..etc...

You can do your research but if it IS something like Aspergers I dont think it has anything to do with "deep seated fears" or insecurities like a personality disorder..I think its more like a brain functioning issue..Like ADD.....These other laidies can tell you more Im sure..

Dallas

Yeah, that makes sense. I'm just becoming concerned all of a sudden, because I've noticed some questionable behavior coming from our 8 month old son, and I didn't make the connection until now. For example, when our son was first born, he strongly disliked being held unless he was very sleepy, he would typically only be content in his bouncy chair. Its only over the last couple of months that I've even been able to get him to take a nap in my arms. He's also extremely content to play by himself. He enjoys interaction and does very well with other people, but he does not indicate to me a "need" for attention at all, but rather just a change of scenery/bottle/diaper/toys every so often. Also, I've been having people indicate to me that he is extremely smart for his age. I'm honestly not even sure what they mean by that because I've never really been around too many babies, but I get comments like "my son is the same age and he doesn't do anything like that". I figured that these things were just his "personality", and maybe that's the case...but if there's more to it, then we'd need to find out so we can look into early intervention.

 

[McScribe]

If any of us were suddenly cast into the depths of the jungles of the Amazon, we would find ourselves traumatically forced to adapt, or we would die. On the other hand, if we were simply told in our present circumstances to adapt as we would to being in the Amazon jungles, we probably wouldn't do it unless we honestly felt we had no other choice.

Both Link and Gabrielle have made some very good points about seeking compromise and mutual understanding. A lot of people think compromise means giving up that which is important to you. But compromise really means seeking a mutually satisfactory solution. This is unfortunately a hard thing to do. Often the one seeking the compromise comes up against an emotional brick wall, for the other is often fearing to give up a sense of safety or rightness or whatever it is that they are concerned for.

Link is right--pray for yourself too, donnamabob. Speaking from personal experience, feeling that your spouse doesn't really love you is extremely painful emotionally, and it's very important that you recognize God's love. Luke 14:26 sounds like a harsh scripture, but all the love we experience has to have a trickle down effect from God's love for us. There is a great need for strength for the times ahead.

Faith is rooted, in part, in compassion. We often read how Jesus had compassion on others suffering. If we see it that way we can see how those who trouble us are deceived, or struggling with sin or simply with ignorance. We are born in sin, we live in sin, we struggle to accept the redemption of Christ. How then can we expect for our marriages to be free of it?

So for you and your husband to come to understand one another better, I believe that you need to gather your spiritual strength, because frankly we all do when our lives are troubled. Be strong in the Lord, and in the power of His might, and pray for wisdom and understanding.

 

[McScribe]

Yeah, that makes sense. I'm just becoming concerned all of a sudden, because I've noticed some questionable behavior coming from our 8 month old son, and I didn't make the connection until now. For example, when our son was first born, he strongly disliked being held unless he was very sleepy, he would typically only be content in his bouncy chair. Its only over the last couple of months that I've even been able to get him to take a nap in my arms. He's also extremely content to play by himself. He enjoys interaction and does very well with other people, but he does not indicate to me a "need" for attention at all, but rather just a change of scenery/bottle/diaper/toys every so often. Also, I've been having people indicate to me that he is extremely smart for his age. I'm honestly not even sure what they mean by that because I've never really been around too many babies, but I get comments like "my son is the same age and he doesn't do anything like that". I figured that these things were just his "personality", and maybe that's the case...but if there's more to it, then we'd need to find out so we can look into early intervention.

Every baby is like a little alien come to Earth from a totally different environment and shocked by what they discover, so much that it takes them years to adapt. Who knows what stimuli they experience mean to them? By the time they're able to talk they've forgotten most of these experiences anyway, they're buried under all the adaptation they've had to undergo.

 

[dallasapple]

Yeah, that makes sense. I'm just becoming concerned all of a sudden, because I've noticed some questionable behavior coming from our 8 month old son, and I didn't make the connection until now. For example, when our son was first born, he strongly disliked being held unless he was very sleepy, he would typically only be content in his bouncy chair. Its only over the last couple of months that I've even been able to get him to take a nap in my arms. He's also extremely content to play by himself. He enjoys interaction and does very well with other people, but he does not indicate to me a "need" for attention at all, but rather just a change of scenery/bottle/diaper/toys every so often. Also, I've been having people indicate to me that he is extremely smart for his age. I'm honestly not even sure what they mean by that because I've never really been around too many babies, but I get comments like "my son is the same age and he doesn't do anything like that". I figured that these things were just his "personality", and maybe that's the case...but if there's more to it, then we'd need to find out so we can look into early intervention.

Well for SURE keep an eye on that and make notes too...I think hes a littel young and what you have described for anyone to dare dianose him with somethign liek autism..I mean unless a child has BLARINGLY obvious problems with adatping he sounds 'normal " to me..I know that kids with autisim dont socialize very well..and they can "freak out" over small changes in ther routine and stuff..but I think they are usually a little older like 18 months or 2 before they would look at something like autism..I THINK..IM nto an expert of course..

I know my grandson he has a pretty severe speech delay and is in early intervention(and we noticed he was "behind by 18 months..then worse at 2 adn 3 he was only knew like 25 words adn we couldnt understand a thing he was sayign to us..FRUSTRATING for him adn for us) ..speech delays can be an INDICATOR as well of autism..either 'not talking' at all..or not able to communicate with words for their age level very well..its connected..he also had this thing where all at once out of the blue he woudl clinch his fist(like he is angry) both and them squeeze them real tight and make this ITENSE face and sort of "growl' LOL!!He was doing that by 8 months 9 months old..and did it for a long time..

Anyway they RULED out autism main reason?hes FAR to social..engages in eye contact ..and itneraction with others that completely made autism impossible they said..children with autism have much difficulty relating and communicating with others..My grandson turns out all be it severe..was a plain Jane speech delay..We never figured otu WHY he did that "angry fists" stance..it was too the AIR too..not at a person or he would do it to a toy..I assume just he was frustrated adn was "micking" someone he was around ....Anyway..Hes made LEAPS and bounds since starting early interventin school 5 days a week for 3 hours provided by our great city ..since he qualified after establishing through a battery of test hes got htis developmental issue..anyway..I know how they interact with others is KEY for autism..and I dont think its 'how often' they enjoy it..but if they CAN enjoy relating to other people and children ..how they go about it..or DONT go about it...

Dallas

 

[donnamabob]

Well for SURE keep an eye on that and make notes too...I think hes a littel young and what you have described for anyone to dare dianose him with somethign liek autism..I mean unless a child has BLARINGLY obvious problems with adatping he sounds 'normal " to me..I know that kids with autisim dont socialize very well..and they can "freak out" over small changes in ther routine and stuff..but I think they are usually a little older like 18 months or 2 before they would look at something like autism..I THINK..IM nto an expert of course..

I know my grandson he has a pretty severe speech delay and is in early intervention(and we noticed he was "behind by 18 months..then worse at 2 adn 3 he was only knew like 25 words adn we couldnt understand a thing he was sayign to us..FRUSTRATING for him adn for us) ..speech delays can be an INDICATOR as well of autism..either 'not talking' at all..or not able to communicate with words for their age level very well..its connected..he also had this thing where all at once out of the blue he woudl clinch his fist(like he is angry) both and them squeeze them real tight and make this ITENSE face and sort of "growl' LOL!!He was doing that by 8 months 9 months old..and did it for a long time..

Anyway they RULED out autism main reason?hes FAR to social..engages in eye contact ..and itneraction with others that completely made autism impossible they said..children with autism have much difficulty relating and communicating with others..My grandson turns out all be it severe..was a plain Jane speech delay..We never figured otu WHY he did that "angry fists" stance..it was too the AIR too..not at a person or he would do it to a toy..I assume just he was frustrated adn was "micking" someone he was around ....Anyway..Hes made LEAPS and bounds since starting early interventin school 5 days a week for 3 hours provided by our great city ..since he qualified after establishing through a battery of test hes got htis developmental issue..anyway..I know how they interact with others is KEY for autism..and I dont think its 'how often' they enjoy it..but if they CAN enjoy relating to other people and children ..how they go about it..or DONT go about it...

Dallas

Yeah, I mean, I'm really leaning towards this just being an emotional issue for my husband still. I just don't want to rule out any possibilities. My husband has expressed that he's confused about his emotions (which is why I think he has trouble expressing them), but that could easily be the result of a million possibilities. I'm starting to zone in on "insecurity" though. And I think that perhaps asking him some direct questions might help to get the ball rolling. Like "did your father blah blah blah" or "did you just do that *thing* because you were trying to avoid criticism?" Stuff like that. Maybe he'll have an easier time answering questions, and maybe that will help him to connect some of the dots in his head. Maybe not.

 

[dallasapple]

Yeah, I mean, I'm really leaning towards this just being an emotional issue for my husband still. I just don't want to rule out any possibilities. My husband has expressed that he's confused about his emotions (which is why I think he has trouble expressing them), but that could easily be the result of a million possibilities. I'm starting to zone in on "insecurity" though. And I think that perhaps asking him some direct questions might help to get the ball rolling. Like "did your father blah blah blah" or "did you just do that *thing* because you were trying to avoid criticism?" Stuff like that. Maybe he'll have an easier time answering questions, and maybe that will help him to connect some of the dots in his head. Maybe not.

Yes there are a lot of reasons a person can be out of touch with what their emotions are..like they cant even tell you how they feel..I have a joke becasue its not really "funny" but I think I use humor as MY releif..LOL!!..I think my husband is so out of touch with his emotions hes narrowed them down ..but the problem is he ASSUMES everyone else has this narrow range of emotions...

Like for me ..he sees me two ways..."angry" or 'not angry"..apparrently those are the only two states of being in my mood..or mind ..that he believes Im capable of feeling..I THINK becasue thats all he can identify in his mind for himself what he feels.Now of course over almost 24 years of marriage there HAVE been exceptions with brief periods of 'sad" or 'happy" for various reasons..

So how you feel is 'angry" or "not angry'(thats like for 98% of your life one of those two) and on occassion you may fleetingly feel 'sad or happy"...But sad has to be obvious like your dog died..and "happy"..um...I cant remember when that happens according to him but Im sure there have been times..OHH!! Yeah for him "sex'..sex is happiness"..LOL!!!

Dallas

 

[Sailor_A]

Hi there, thanks for responding...


I think most of all, I would like for him to remember the things that I say to him when I share the deep things of my heart (so I can at least feel like he's caring enough to listen), and I would like for him to share the things that are in his heart with me. Some form of a romantic relationship would be nice too.

He was this way when we met.

He's not close to them at all. I don't get the impression that he's ever shared anything personal with any of them, ever. Interestingly, his Grandmother left her profession as a math teacher to become a family and marriage therapist. Hmm...

Well, I'm sure he feels "bonded" to me to a degree. We enjoy our time together, and get along just fine, but our relationship doesn't have very much depth. Although, I'm sure it has more depth than any of his other relationships do.

Yeah, this is definitely a problem that he's had for quite some time, that is starting to spill over into his marriage now. I guess that we were fine at first because of the excitement and newness of our marriage, but obviously a marriage can't survive on that forever. Also, the issue escalated 8 months ago when we had our son, simply because it increased the emotional pressure on both of us. I guess its really forcing us to see this issue.

Thank you for replying. This topic kind of hits home for me and oddly I am reluctant to respond. Your expectations are reasonable but I'm not sure they can be met. I think others have given you some pretty sound advice. I'd just say that you should be realistic, you can't expect him to change quickly or even by the amount you would like. If he does not have a disability it could simply be his personality. Also consider that some people just do not feel they have anything deep to share. You may also find that you too need to change in order to adapt. Anything is possible with God. Also I read in another of your comment that your husband tries for you and that is a good sign. I'm praying for you

 

[dallasapple]

I give a big thumbs up too Donna that your husband read a book you asked him to...that just point blank shows he cares about what your concerned over..and also do try adn put yourself in his shoes..if sort of 'suddenly" he was concerned that you had a fairly extreme problem with yoru core personality..and he was out doing research on your 'behaviors' and asking you to read books and it was all to try and "figure out whats wrong with you "..and you thought you were just 'bieng your self" even though you were willing to try and see maybe he had some good points and wanted to try hard to please him.. ..and in the meantime he said because of your "personality" that caused your actions(or inactions) to be towards him that he felt unattached to you and lost sexual desire for you and wasnt interested in or acted "blah" about making love ...

Try and see it for that angle as you approach it..it might be easy for you to concentrate on this for farily lenghty periods of times almost like its a project you need to tackle and Im not saying you shouldnt continue to express your concerns and feeling and get into counseling ..but try and see it from if you were the one in the hot seat on this...

Make sure you tell him all the time how much you love him..and WHAT you love about him..and when you see any "extra efforts' notice it and tell him how happy that makes you ..most men I THINK want thier women to be "happy" with them..like pleased with them..I think its the same thing everyone wants not just men..for our loved ones to be happy with us..and proud of us ..and appreicate us... and even further out..many of us care what OTHERS think like a teacher..our friends..or even our neighbors...

Dallas

 

[donnamabob]

I give a big thumbs up too Donna that your husband read a book you asked him to...that just point blank shows he cares about what your concerned over..and also do try adn put yourself in his shoes..if sort of 'suddenly" he was concerned that you had a fairly extreme problem with yoru core personality..and he was out doing research on your 'behaviors' and asking you to read books and it was all to try and "figure out whats wrong with you "..and you thought you were just 'bieng your self" even though you were willing to try and see maybe he had some good points and wanted to try hard to please him.. ..and in the meantime he said because of your "personality" that caused your actions(or inactions) to be towards him that he felt unattached to you and lost sexual desire for you and wasnt interested in or acted "blah" about making love ...

Try and see it for that angle as you approach it..it might be easy for you to concentrate on this for farily lenghty periods of times almost like its a project you need to tackle and Im not saying you shouldnt continue to express your concerns and feeling and get into counseling ..but try and see it from if you were the one in the hot seat on this...

Make sure you tell him all the time how much you love him..and WHAT you love about him..and when you see any "extra efforts' notice it and tell him how happy that makes you ..most men I THINK want thier women to be "happy" with them..like pleased with them..I think its the same thing everyone wants not just men..for our loved ones to be happy with us..and proud of us ..and appreicate us... and even further out..many of us care what OTHERS think like a teacher..our friends..or even our neighbors...

Dallas

That's true, and I do see that he is making an effort, and I know that I am blessed that he is even interested in what I have to say about this. I kind of get the impression that he's almost been waiting for someone to help him with these things, which is probably why he's being so good about it.

But it's true, if this was about me, even if I was interested in changing, it certainly wouldn't be a comfortable experience for me, and it would leave me feeling so insecure - so I will make an effort to remind myself frequently of this.

Thanks for all of your help so far, by the way

 

[dallasapple]

That's true, and I do see that he is making an effort, and I know that I am blessed that he is even interested in what I have to say about this. I kind of get the impression that he's almost been waiting for someone to help him with these things, which is probably why he's being so good about it.

But it's true, if this was about me, even if I was interested in changing, it certainly wouldn't be a comfortable experience for me, and it would leave me feeling so insecure - so I will make an effort to remind myself frequently of this.

Thanks for all of your help so far, by the way

You're welcome by the way..

 

[LinkH]

At this point, I know that he is not frustrated with me, but rather with himself because he is unable to express things to me that he wishes he could. He has mentioned that he is not sure what he even feels anymore, and that he knows this is a result of supressing his emotions for his entire life. I sort of translated that to mean that it is difficult for him to speak things if he cannot put them into words - which does make me feel a little better, and helps me to not take it personally at least.

Sometimes, it's not a case of suppressing emotions necessarily. Maybe there aren't a lot of emotions to suppress. Some people are easy going, or resilient to a lot of things, and they just don't feel much sadness, frustration, etc. And maybe your husband feels these things, but doesn't pay attention to them.

If a man isn't "in touch with his feelings" is that really a bad thing? Is suppressing emotions really bad? Some things that get put in the category of 'suppressing emotion' may actually be healthy forms of emotional self-regulation.

I think you should also be very mindful of appreciating all the good things you love about your husband. Your last messages to me makes it sound like you are trying to do just that. What are a husband's duties toward his wife? One is providing for her. That's what a lot of men think. If a man loves his wife, is kind to her, and provides well for her, why wouldn't she be happy? Maybe this idea that he has to get in touch with the depths of his emotions and talk about them to please you blindsided him. He could also be hurt or frustrated if he thinks that you think he is lacking or doesn't love you, and if he isn't the type to be in touch with his feelings or talk about him, he may not tell you that.

In the Bible, what is a man's duty to his wife? In the Old Testament, a man is supposed to provide his wife with food, clothing, and sex. There is no commandment in the Old Testament that a man must open up and talk about all his past hurts, goals, visions, dreams. The New Testament tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church, but it doesn't say they have to be in touch with their feelings to do this. The idea that he would be expected to share some emotional type stuff might not have crossed his mind going into marriage.

If you want to get him to share details from his past, if he's okay with it, I don't see why there would be a problem asking him questions. Maybe you could do that while doing something, like walking through the woods, or fishing, so he doesn't have to sit there, sip tea, and look into your eyes to while he's learning to do talk about these things. There has got to be some kind of party game that asks personal questions. You could even ask him questions about his past or inner thoughts that are light and not painful, like funny stories about his past, sexual fantasies (something he could be motivated to open up about for other reasons), or ask about his earliest memory, childhood memories from specific ages in school, or things like that. He might open up if you gave him something specific to think about.

I think you should take it easy on him about asking to open up. I wouldn't ask him to do that every day. Maybe you could mention it every so often. You wouldn't want him to think of you as the wife who thinks something is fundamentally wrong with him, something he can't fix, and may not even to be able to specifically put his finger on. Try to be content with the good you have now in your marriage, and think of the emotional issues as something that he can grow in slowly over marriage, unless he expresses an interest in working on it a lot out of a desire to improve himself. Think of this as something that you will both grow in over the decades to come. You may become adept at 'reading' him and knowing how he's feeling from subtle clues, and he may gradually open up and talk more over time. He also needs to feel like he's being accepted for who his is. He may feel like you are not please with his personality, which would be an unpleasant situation for him to deal with.

 

[donnamabob]

If a man isn't "in touch with his feelings" is that really a bad thing? Is suppressing emotions really bad? Some things that get put in the category of 'suppressing emotion' may actually be healthy forms of emotional self-regulation.

In my opinion, yes it's bad. He's dysfunctional in all of his relationships, therefore the way that all people, not just myself respond to him leaves him frustrated and angry.

I think you should also be very mindful of appreciating all the good things you love about your husband. Your last messages to me makes it sound like you are trying to do just that. What are a husband's duties toward his wife? One is providing for her. That's what a lot of men think. If a man loves his wife, is kind to her, and provides well for her, why wouldn't she be happy? Maybe this idea that he has to get in touch with the depths of his emotions and talk about them to please you blindsided him. He could also be hurt or frustrated if he thinks that you think he is lacking or doesn't love you, and if he isn't the type to be in touch with his feelings or talk about him, he may not tell you that.

That's true, I'll try to keep that in mind.

In the Bible, what is a man's duty to his wife? In the Old Testament, a man is supposed to provide his wife with food, clothing, and sex. There is no commandment in the Old Testament that a man must open up and talk about all his past hurts, goals, visions, dreams. The New Testament tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church, but it doesn't say they have to be in touch with their feelings to do this. The idea that he would be expected to share some emotional type stuff might not have crossed his mind going into marriage.

Yeah, I'm sure that it hadn't crossed his mind. We agreed yesterday that Jesus is our example of the perfect man, so we agreed that we would do a study of Jesus character together, to give us a clear vision of what a man "should" be according to the bible.

If you want to get him to share details from his past, if he's okay with it, I don't see why there would be a problem asking him questions. Maybe you could do that while doing something, like walking through the woods, or fishing, so he doesn't have to sit there, sip tea, and look into your eyes to while he's learning to do talk about these things. There has got to be some kind of party game that asks personal questions. You could even ask him questions about his past or inner thoughts that are light and not painful, like funny stories about his past, sexual fantasies (something he could be motivated to open up about for other reasons), or ask about his earliest memory, childhood memories from specific ages in school, or things like that. He might open up if you gave him something specific to think about.

That sounds like excellent advice to me. I mean, I honestly don't want to sit around and sip tea while talking either so that would likely work out best for the both of us.

I think you should take it easy on him about asking to open up. I wouldn't ask him to do that every day. Maybe you could mention it every so often. You wouldn't want him to think of you as the wife who thinks something is fundamentally wrong with him, something he can't fix, and may not even to be able to specifically put his finger on. Try to be content with the good you have now in your marriage, and think of the emotional issues as something that he can grow in slowly over marriage, unless he expresses an interest in working on it a lot out of a desire to improve himself. Think of this as something that you will both grow in over the decades to come. You may become adept at 'reading' him and knowing how he's feeling from subtle clues, and he may gradually open up and talk more over time. He also needs to feel like he's being accepted for who his is. He may feel like you are not please with his personality, which would be an unpleasant situation for him to deal with.

This is true. I'm certainly not displeased with his personality or who he is as a man overall - I mean, I married him even though I knew that this was an issue. I'll try to make that more clear so that he doesn't get the wrong idea here. It's hard to gauge whether or not I'm "laying it on too thick" or not, because he won't talk about it. But, he did join a men's group at our church recently, and I was surprised to see him making an effort to engage in new friendships, so I do see a little bit of effort on his part. But your right, this could take a really long time, and I really need to focus on the good things, and be encouraged when he takes small steps in the right direction.

Thanks for your opinion, it was helpful and I appreciate it

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Thanks for responding. I have done some research on these disorders, and I'm not 100% convinced that this isn't the problem, or the problem to some degree. Like I mentioned in another one of my responses, my husband is highly intelligent, and I know that is a common characteristic of these disorders. However, I have seen enough emotion and empathy come from him to lean more towards the possibility that he is just unable to express or translate into words what he is feeling. I think that we're going to have to bring this to a councilor at this point, because if there is some kind of disability here that is further complicating our progress, I don't know enough to figure out what it is or how to deal with it properly. Thanks again

That is also a trait of Asperger's. Those who do have the ability to connect emotionally cannot figure out how to express it. As several people with Asperger's have said in some form themselves, "It's not that we don't have empathy it's just that we have too much to deal with to be able to show it properly."

 

[donnamabob]

That is also a trait of Asperger's. Those who do have the ability to connect emotionally cannot figure out how to express it. As several people with Asperger's have said in some form themselves, "It's not that we don't have empathy it's just that we have too much to deal with to be able to show it properly."

Thanks, when the moment is right, I'll pass that statement along to him and see if it's something he can relate to at all.

 

[LinkH]

I've got a friend who has Apbergers, I think. At any rate, he is mildly autistic. He's really smart, though. he has trained himself to be very friendly, but he comes on a little too strong at times.

The European man who has been on several TV shows for his impressive mental abilities-- like memorizing pi as far as mathematicians have calculated it... after reading it once, and being able to recite it back-- is autistic. When he was young, he used to jerk his arms around in odd ways and was teased for it. He trained himself to tell jokes and interact with others. He has other extraordinary abilities like the ability to learn a language, including something as difficult as Icelandic, in a week.

 

[dallasapple]

not in touch with ones emotions is dissasociation from ones SELF...and yes that IS a state of brokeness becasue you can not fully EXPERIENCE "life"..life as in what you are experiencing you can not fully feel or worse feel at all..like apathy...

And yes we should except people with different perosnalities ..but not if that personality is someone you love and they have a DISORDER/or UNHEALTHY ways of coping (liek STUFFING feeling is one) in their personality due to some sort of chemical imbalance or some treatable learned behavior adapted by the person due to whatever cause that left them DISABLED..

If someone is chronically depressed..should we say ...heck ..why try to get them to change..shoudlnt we accpet them for their "personality" just the way it is?I had a friend that went LITTERALLY PSYCHOTIC..and her husband wouldnt listen to me..he even said "you know how she is ..shes always been "crazy"..Im like NO shes GOTTEN worse..he woud NOT listen to me...she ended up DRIVING her car through someones garage(RAMMED her CAR through the garage door..a rank stranger she had "imagined' was some sort of enemy) in fit of extreme paranoia..and landed in a psychiatric ward ..

Im not saying this womans husband has WHAT my firend had or that he will do somthign like that..but dysfunction has a ranges..from mild to severe..or it can start out mild and end up severe...

Dallas

 

[donnamabob]

I agree with MK..not in touch with ones emotions is dissasociation from ones SELF...and yes that IS a state of brokeness becasue you can not fully EXPERIENCE "life"..life as in what you are experiencing you can not fully feel or worse feel at all..like apathy...

And yes we should except people with different perosnalities ..but not if that personality is someone you love and they have a DISORDER/or UNHEALTHY ways of coping (liek STUFFING feeling is one) in their personality due to some sort of chemical imbalance or some treatable learned behavior adapted by the person due to whatever cause that left them DISABLED..

If someone is chronically depressed..should we say ...heck ..why try to get them to change..shoudlnt we accpet them for their "personality" just the way it is?I had a friend that went LITTERALLY PSYCHOTIC..and her husband wouldnt listen to me..he even said "you know how she is ..shes always been "crazy"..Im like NO shes GOTTEN worse..he woud NOT listen to me...she ended up DRIVING her car through someones garage(RAMMED her CAR through the garage door..a rank stranger she had "imagined' was some sort of enemy) in fit of extreme paranoia..and landed in a psychiatric ward ..

Im not saying this womans husband has WHAT my firend had or that he will do somthign like that..but dysfunction has a ranges..from mild to severe..or it can start out mild and end up severe...

Dallas

Right, exactly. Furthermore, my husband is not even "content" with himself being this way. That's not because he's a pushover who's doing everything I tell him to do, it's because he recognizes that there is truth in my observations, and he doesn't want to end up like "all of those other couples" that we know, and all of his co-workers who responded to his marriage announcement with jokes about how the rapid decline in sexual activity that he can expect to experience. Frankly, he thinks that the state of the marriage institution in this country is pathetic, he doesn't agree with what most other men try to tell him that the "problem" is here (because their marriages are falling apart too) and he's generally very open to becoming all that GOD expects men to be, he just doesn't know how. I kind of/sort of know a little bit about how, but it's impossible to relay it to him in a way that "hits home" because I'm not a man, and I have such a narrow view into what he's thinking most of the time.

I have seen some progress this week though. It's slow, and we're still "going around the mountain"...but I have been controlling my responses to my frustration TREMENDOUSLY better, and I owe a lot of that to this thread, so thank you everyone. My husband told me last night that he would appreciate it if I try to point out specific emotions that I notice him experiencing so that he can start get a handle on which emotions feel like what. So for example, he said last night that he was looking forward to going to the church movie night because there was going to be ice cream afterwards. I explained to him that he was experiencing "excitement". I guess that this was helpful to him, and I'm assuming that he would typically think he was feeling nothing at all, or maybe "happy" VS "angry". He also agreed that he would be alright with me asking him how he feels every so often, so that he might become more aware that he IS feeling things.

Thankfully, we just met a very MANLY man at our new bible study. He is a Karate instructor with big muscles and he teaches shop class, and all kinds of "man" things. However, he is extremely healthy emotionally. He very openly shares experiences with our group that he's had during his childhood, and things that are in his heart (like how he's learning to receive and speak words of affirmation). He told us how he was able to reach out to one of his students because he saw something in the students heart that needed mending, and got the student to "open up to him". Anyway...long story short, this impacted my husband because he realized two key things. 1) You don't have to be a wimp to feel things, and 2) If you are not in touch with your emotions/emotions in general, you are going to have an awfully hard time ministering to people (which is where his heart is). So I thank God for this mans existence!