Husband freaks out when left with the kids

[ALEA40]

I love to volunteer with my church. I would love to volunteer more than just one hour per week in our Kid City, but it is already such an ordeal for my husband to watch our two boys when I am gone. He freaks out about trying to get them out the door. This is a man who has managed a hundred people at his work and two boys leave him quaking in his boots!!! We're not talking twin two-year-old boys either. My oldest is 10 and can mostly take care of himself. Our youngest is almost 3. Can anyone else here relate? I would love to do more for my church like planting flowers, cleaning, painting, etc. That's how I like to make friends. I just don't feel like I can ask any more of my hubby.

FYI - My husband is not a believer, does not volunteer with our church, really has no friends yet in our new town except co-workers, but he does come to service with me (and says he just stares at a spot on the wall the whole time).

 

[Odetta]

Asking your husband for one hour a week of watching his own kids is not asking much. At all. Why do you feel you can't ask for more?

Whether or not he's a believer, they're his kids, and he's a big boy. He should be able to figure out how to manage. Sounds like there is a much bigger issue here than how comfortable he is around his own children.

Hopefully some others who have similar problems will have more to share.

 

[ALEA40]

When I do ask he makes me feel guilty and huffs and puffs. It just gets to be a big deal every time I say I have to do something on my own. He's says I'm "sticking" him with them. I usually just let it roll off my back but it just gets a little unreasonable at times. He has no confidence with the boys. It's just too much work for him. When he's home he just wants to be able to relax and do his own thing. I am a SAHM. I'm in charge of taking care of the boys. I do have my youngest in preschool 3 days a week so I can volunteer at my older son's school, volunteer with other non-profits, and participate in a lifegroup at church. I can't do any of these things any other times of the day, though, without it being a really big, stressful undertaking.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

When I do ask he makes me feel guilty and huffs and puffs. It just gets to be a big deal every time I say I have to do something on my own. He's says I'm "sticking" him with them. I usually just let it roll off my back but it just gets a little unreasonable at times. He has no confidence with the boys. It's just too much work for him. When he's home he just wants to be able to relax and do his own thing. I am a SAHM. I'm in charge of taking care of the boys. I do have my youngest in preschool 3 days a week so I can volunteer at my older son's school, volunteer with other non-profits, and participate in a lifegroup at church. I can't do any of these things any other times of the day, though, without it being a really big, stressful undertaking.

Does he not realize they are HIS children too? He doesn't get to just "relax and do his own thing" when he gets home...he gets to be dad. I think I'd just tell him that he's going to be with the boys for an hour or two a couple of days a week and that's that. My husband was kind of like that but he quickly "outgrew" it. He's actually great with the kids...can wrestle our ACTIVE 16 month old grandson down for a diaper or nap like nobody's business!

Just sorta tell him that he gets to do things with his kids, encourage him with it and hopefully your sons will start really enjoying time with dad and he'll want to repeat the experience.

 

[ALEA40]

That sounds great! I do keep hoping he'll get over it as our youngest gets older. I guess I feel bad because he has a high demand job and he needs his decompression time. He's an introvert like me and he needs his time to just be.

 

[ALEA40]

ProudMomxmany - You are one of my favorite people here on CF! I always love your posts!!!

 

[Sabertooth]

He's an introvert like me and he needs his time to just be.

I'm an introvert and had 10. But I came from a very "huggy" family.

If I wanted to or needed to be on the computer, I would make sure the littler kids were playing safely, where I could see them and keep the door open, if they needed me.

The only time I felt helpless is when I had to dress them from scratch and could not figure out where the wife ended up putting their clothes.

Things that would gross me out as a teen or younger [poop, vomit, periods*] don't seem to be as overwhelming as a parent.

*I am the guardian of my severely autistic 19yo DD. (My only complaint about period blood is that it is hard to clean out of clothing.)

 

[Odetta]

I understand the needing decompression time. I need that on a regular basis, and I only work part-time at a job I love. As an introvert, I need regular alone time to be able to not be irritable. I set time limits for myself (and for the benefit of my family) when I need some alone time. Perhaps you can work something out with your husband, where he has a hour when he gets home from work to chill, and then he takes on childcare duties. Or something like that.

 

[akmom]

My husband used to be like that. He wouldn't even hold the baby so I could cook dinner or use the bathroom. I actually envied some single-mom friends I had, because not only did they get days off, but the fathers were actually forced to pay attention to their kids when they had them. My husband was around every day, but he ignored the kids because I was around to do everything for them. If we were separated, he would have actually had to acknowledge them.

He isn't like that at all anymore. He spends time with each kid most days. Don't put up with it. They're his kids, and he should be spending time with them every week whether you have things to do or not! It's not "sticking him with the kids" any more than he is sticking YOU with the kids when he traipses off to work. Geez.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

That sounds great! I do keep hoping he'll get over it as our youngest gets older. I guess I feel bad because he has a high demand job and he needs his decompression time. He's an introvert like me and he needs his time to just be.

Yeah...ok...he's an introvert...so am I! I survived 12 curtain climbers and crumb snatchers...

My husband had NO choice with the kids. He came home from a cruise or duty and I LEFT!!! I may have only been gone an hour or two but I was OUTTA THERE!! He learned to deal with the little darlings...and learned to appreciate what I did 24/7 while he was gone.

Now...he's absolutely awesome w/the kids and the grands. Heck, he has more patience than I do most days.

Speaking of which...I'm off to get "done"...the full treatment, wax, pedicure and hair...have a great day y'all!

 

[ALEA40]

Speaking of which...I'm off to get "done"...the full treatment, wax, pedicure and hair...have a great day y'all!

I'm jealous!!!

 

[Dan the Man]

I love to volunteer with my church. I would love to volunteer more than just one hour per week in our Kid City, but it is already such an ordeal for my husband to watch our two boys when I am gone. He freaks out about trying to get them out the door. This is a man who has managed a hundred people at his work and two boys leave him quaking in his boots!!! We're not talking twin two-year-old boys either. My oldest is 10 and can mostly take care of himself. Our youngest is almost 3. Can anyone else here relate? I would love to do more for my church like planting flowers, cleaning, painting, etc. That's how I like to make friends. I just don't feel like I can ask any more of my hubby.

FYI - My husband is not a believer, does not volunteer with our church, really has no friends yet in our new town except co-workers, but he does come to service with me (and says he just stares at a spot on the wall the whole time).

I would give anything in the world to be able to spend time with my boys. I wonder if he thinks about what it would be like if he could never see them again. I can understand needing time to be alone and decompress but as they get older he is really going to regret not spending time with them when they were younger. I agree with proudmomxmany that you need to just tell him how its going to be. you cant just have kids and then spend all of your free time avoiding them. he needs to man up.

however this is coming from someone (me) who has lost all visitation rights his children...so take it with a grain of salt if you want.

 

[ALEA40]

Thanks all!!! I appreciate your comments. I guess the key is to figure out ways to increase my husband's confidence levels. I think because he just never has to get the boys ready and out the door, he just freezes and doesn't know what to do. He's great at going on bike rides with our oldest and he takes our youngest on walks in the jogging stroller. He also plays with both boys in the evenings, especially right when he gets home and I'm cooking dinner. I think it's just the pressure that I get when I want to go places that he doesn't value as much as I do (church). He's great if I need to get my hair cut or nails done (which I rarely do), but if I need to shop (he's afraid I'll be gone for 3+ hours) or volunteer, he seems to get more freaked out.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

Thanks all!!! I appreciate your comments. I guess the key is to figure out ways to increase my husband's confidence levels. I think because he just never has to get the boys ready and out the door, he just freezes and doesn't know what to do. He's great at going on bike rides with our oldest and he takes our youngest on walks in the jogging stroller. He also plays with both boys in the evenings, especially right when he gets home and I'm cooking dinner. I think it's just the pressure that I get when I want to go places that he doesn't value as much as I do (church). He's great if I need to get my hair cut or nails done (which I rarely do), but if I need to shop (he's afraid I'll be gone for 3+ hours) or volunteer, he seems to get more freaked out.

So...just leave! He and the boys will survive. The best way to do it is to "throw him to the wolves". Tell him it's time for him to be daddy and that you need some alone time/down time/get away from the kids time. Oh...and do yourself a favor and turn off your phone (or put it on mute so you don't hear it ring!).

 

[ALEA40]

Oh...and do yourself a favor and turn off your phone (or put it on mute so you don't hear it ring!).

O! That drives him nuts!!!

 

[ProudMomxmany]

O! That drives him nuts!!!

And parenting is conducive to sanity???

He's a big boy...he'll figure it out

 

[Avniel]

I'm scared every time I am alone with my children. It's this before a football game or track meet type of scare feeling I get in my stomach...but I just man up and do it. I think it comes from not wanting to mess up feeling it's a lot of pressure then if anything happens on my watch my wife will never forgive me. It used to be pretty bad but now it's just a second or two of nerves then it goes away......then it's fun and laughs and I love it.

Maybe you could give him more responsibility with the children. Since their boys make their father take them fishing or something where they just bond.

 

[David Waffen]

Maybe you could give him more responsibility with the children. Since their boys make their father take them fishing or something where they just bond.

Good idea. I only spend time (alone) with my son when I am teaching him to be a man and do man things.

 

[ALEA40]

I'm scared every time I am alone with my children. It's this before a football game or track meet type of scare feeling I get in my stomach...but I just man up and do it. I think it comes from not wanting to mess up feeling it's a lot of pressure then if anything happens on my watch my wife will never forgive me. It used to be pretty bad but now it's just a second or two of nerves then it goes away......then it's fun and laughs and I love it.

I think my husband has similar issues. He's afraid of messing things up. My oldest son is a picky eater and only likes when I cook for him. If dad does it it's "wrong" and doesn't taste right. Then my husband throws his hands up and gives up.

I did notice in the past week that my husband is showing signs of an anxiety disorder. Just something I noticed during a particularly intense episode during the week.

 

[Avniel]

I think my husband has similar issues. He's afraid of messing things up. My oldest son is a picky eater and only likes when I cook for him. If dad does it it's "wrong" and doesn't taste right. Then my husband throws his hands up and gives up.

I did notice in the past week that my husband is showing signs of an anxiety disorder. Just something I noticed during a particularly intense episode during the week.

Probably with the stress of work mixed in with not knowing how to deal with the children. I know today I had to put a shirt on my daughters head and it scares me that I might break her arm or hurt her so it takes me 15 mins just to get her dressed. I get better the more I do it.

Before I had children I was scared to hold other people's babies. But now I can pick up my children, change diapers, feed them and sooth them. I still don't feel comfortable changing and being by myself.......with my first scared, then uncomfortable and now just a little nervous.

I think the best thing you can do is slowly introduce him and teach him how you do things. Maybe even link him up with some older friends in the church that have been through this. I am sure we are not the only two men.