Husband checks for escort service. Need help :(

[faroukfarouk]

Also of course pray, pray and pray. Read together. Do devotions.

Prayer and the Scriptures is always an excellent idea.

 

[KevinesKay]

Hi, you can call me Ms. K, I'm 25 years old, married to a 35 year old guy for 3 years now, we also have a 3 year old son. My husband has inappropriate contentography addiction and cheated on me before but after he accepted Christ as his Lord and Savior, he gradually changed to new person so, I thought he's all changed now because usually he would listen to Christian music, listen to christian podcasts and constantly reminding me to pray which he didn't do before.

The past week, I saw him always up between 3am-4am just browsing his facebook or the web, but one thing, bothered me when I saw him checking out Chinese female escorts.

I need your advice My husband is going to China next week and will be staying there for 6 days for a conference and I'm afraid he might actually hire an escort there. Even if I wanted to trust him, every fear I had before came back.

I do not know what to do but I'm planning to talk to him later about it. Thank you.

Viewing escort ads online is P for me. It would be automatic loss of s*xual sobriety for me. And browsing FB and the web at 3AM is clearly a boundary violation. He should be in bed. We all need sleep. But that's the nature of the beast, the flesh; by neglecting ourselves and replacing that void with something that is bitter.

As a PA, it's clearly against my boundaries to be on FB and to be online past 10PM. And I have safeguards on my computer that make it extremely difficult to cross those boundaries. If the husband is anything like me, he needs to set better boundaries for himself if he really wants to stop.

By the way, staying at a hotel has got to be the most toxic trigger that I can think of. Loneliness, lack of accountability, idle time, novelty, new environment, access to web and cable TV all contribute to the perfect storm of temptation for a PA. It is a known fact that hotels get more P sales from conventions, including Christian conventions.

So I would be really concerned about this convention that he's going to. In fact, I think he should have tried to get out of it. Unless he puts together some amazingly structured plan to stay faithful to his moral beliefs, he going to fall flat on his face. This plan should include:

1) Restricting his access to the TV and the web. Have the TV removed from the room. Restrict his phone so that he cannot access P or other borderline site. That will be the challenging part.

2) Limit mobility. Don't acquire a rental car. Have other co-workers control the transportation.

3) Communicating to his wife and family at least twice per day, once in the morning and again before bedtime. Pray together before hanging up.

4) Having accountability partner(s) that he contacts and prays with every day.

5) Having a set routine in place to spend such much time in God's Word and in prayer. And work out in the exercise room. (That's always good) And he should hold himself accountable to the wife and friends for these behaviors.

6) Set a bedtime and a wake up time, and stick to it. He should also hold himself accountable to the wife and friends for this as well.

This may be just my opinion, but I believe this is really serious. Don't underestimate the power of being stranded in a hotel room for days. The enemy hangs out and has devoured many souls at places like this.

 

[DZoolander]

OP/AGirHasNoName - if you don't mind me asking - where are you from and what's your ethnicity? Are you Asian?

 

[agirlhasnoname]

1. OP/AGirHasNoName - if you don't mind me asking - where are you from and what's your ethnicity? Are you Asian?

   
   Hello! I'm asian! A Filipino currently living in Japan ​

 

[agirlhasnoname]

Viewing escort ads online is P for me. It would be automatic loss of s*xual sobriety for me. And browsing FB and the web at 3AM is clearly a boundary violation. He should be in bed. We all need sleep. But that's the nature of the beast, the flesh; by neglecting ourselves and replacing that void with something that is bitter.

As a PA, it's clearly against my boundaries to be on FB and to be online past 10PM. And I have safeguards on my computer that make it extremely difficult to cross those boundaries. If the husband is anything like me, he needs to set better boundaries for himself if he really wants to stop.

By the way, staying at a hotel has got to be the most toxic trigger that I can think of. Loneliness, lack of accountability, idle time, novelty, new environment, access to web and cable TV all contribute to the perfect storm of temptation for a PA. It is a known fact that hotels get more P sales from conventions, including Christian conventions.

So I would be really concerned about this convention that he's going to. In fact, I think he should have tried to get out of it. Unless he puts together some amazingly structured plan to stay faithful to his moral beliefs, he going to fall flat on his face. This plan should include:

1) Restricting his access to the TV and the web. Have the TV removed from the room. Restrict his phone so that he cannot access P or other borderline site. That will be the challenging part.

2) Limit mobility. Don't acquire a rental car. Have other co-workers control the transportation.

3) Communicating to his wife and family at least twice per day, once in the morning and again before bedtime. Pray together before hanging up.

4) Having accountability partner(s) that he contacts and prays with every day.

5) Having a set routine in place to spend such much time in God's Word and in prayer. And work out in the exercise room. (That's always good) And he should hold himself accountable to the wife and friends for these behaviors.

6) Set a bedtime and a wake up time, and stick to it. He should also hold himself accountable to the wife and friends for this as well.

This may be just my opinion, but I believe this is really serious. Don't underestimate the power of being stranded in a hotel room for days. The enemy hangs out and has devoured many souls at places like this.

Hello, thank you for your response.
I will consider everything you have posted here.
It's also a good thing that we actually do most of the pointers you have posted e.g. (3)
Are you still a PA? or was a PA?

 

[KevinesKay]

Are you still a PA? or was a PA?

That's a very good question. It's been over a year since I've acted out. Most people would consider me stable. But it's important for me to understand that I'm still a broken, imperfect human being. I'm still a sinner. And it's not impossible that I would one day choose to partake in that one sin that I'm most susceptible to.

There was a time that I had 3 years of sobriety from P and MB, but I got too lenient on myself. I allowed myself unfiltered access to the web, and before I knew it, I was back into the same garbage. So I still consider myself a PA.

And I still keep a sense of vigilance in my life. I lay down good boundaries, and I maintain my friendships with other PA men via the phone. But I feel confident that I will be okay as long as I demonstrate that I'm abiding in Jesus. He's demonstrated much faithfulness in my life. Thank you.

 

[98cwitr]

By no means do I want to place a wedge between the trust you have for your husband, but there is a difference between trust and naivety. I, after reading this thread, am seriously wondering if his profession of faith is nothing more than ploy to get you to turn a blind eye so he can continue in sin. No guy is just "curious" about an escort service in the country he is fixing to visit, especially with his past history. As a 32 year old man myself, this is a huge red flag.

I'd like to ask, if I may. If you knew he had a inappropriate content addiction prior to marrying him, why wasn't that issue dealt with prior to the vows? I don't mean to come across harsh, but I do ask bluntly because I am of the firm stance that you marry the person for who they are, faults and all. If he has faults that blatantly disrespect the sanctity of your marriage, did you expect them to change after marriage?

 

[DZoolander]

I've been biting my tongue on this thread, mostly because it feels like if I say what I want to say then I'm getting too involved in your problem. I tend to steer clear of threads if it feels like my opinion stands to cause conflict or has that potential.

But, like the guy above, I just don't buy it.

I think it's a mistake to lump inappropriate content addiction into the same thing as looking at escort sites. As a guy, I see them as entirely different things. Let's be honest. The reason people want to look at inappropriate content is because they want an aid to masturbation. That's it - in a nutshell. No more, no less.

...and if that's what you're used to looking at - an escort site page is going to be quite the disappointment. It's not video, there may or may not be nudity (I'd guess probably not). It's most likely just a running list of what women are available to see you, some reasonably provocative images to entice you, and possibly prices. Not exactly masturbatory material - especially if there's better stuff to be found with just a click of the mouse.

In my opinion - the only reason you'd be looking at an escort site is because you want to visit one and you're working out your budget and payment methods.

I just don't see a world where you go (if it legitimately was an extension of some inappropriate content addiction) "Here's a ton of inappropriate content at my fingertips. I could go to this inappropriate content site, that inappropriate content site, where there are videos to cover ever taste of mine...but I'm going to look at a list of pictures/prices of women in a country I'm about to visit. But don't worry, that doesn't mean anything."

Meh - just doesn't make sense to me.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well some people who have inappropriate content addictions take it to the next "Gateway" step which is to just go and have sex with someone. Actually inappropriate content has lots of gateways into other things. Some of which are horrible. Wanting sex with animals. Wanting sex with kids...etc. I've met TO many inappropriate content addicts (both christian and not christian) who got into basic inappropriate content (sex) but started to like certain types of it. In many cases it was "Young" looking women. Maybe it was a virgin thing, maybe it was a underage temptation thing. Who knows. But in any case their next step was looking for ACTUAL people under 18 naked/having sex to look at. AKA child inappropriate content. And for a few that gateways (as I said) into actually wanting to have sexual relations with a child.

inappropriate content, drugs, drinking... they are all gateways into worse things that can end up with you dead or in prision.

As for escorts. To me escorts/prostitutes is worse then inappropriate content. With inappropriate content your just doing something with a visual aid. But with escorts you are wanting real life physical interaction with a real person. If my wife told me she had looked at inappropriate content and MB, I would be FAR less hurt then if she told me she had sex with someone else. MB at least means her body hasn't been violated per say. Both are a sin of course none the less.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, that was kinda my point.

You're looking for escorts because you're wanting an escort's services.

 

[Autumnleaf]

If he is going to do it there is nothing you can do to stop him. Worrying about it will give you lines on your face. Leave it in God's hands. Tell him you will pray for God to give him a safe trip unless he is naughty, in which case you will pray for lots of air turbulence and maybe a lightning bolt. Then hug and kiss him goodbye as he boards the plane.

 

[shioks]

Escort service is the next step when inappropriate content can't satisfied your lust.

 

[Autumnleaf]

There is an old story about an Italian truck driver who was married and like to visit brothels. One day his friend tells him of an amazing woman at one of the brothels that he just has to meet. So the guy goes to the brothel one day to see this amazing woman and he waits as men before him get their turn and leave. Eventually he gets his turn and he goes in to see this amazing woman and finds his wife there. Then he flips out and its a bad ending for them.