How to be supportive when you don't see the problem?

[LovebirdsFlying]

I've talked before about how my husband thinks we're just getting by and have no luxuries, and how my nephew and I cracked up because we can point to many, many things that our family would consider a luxury.

Background: Both my husband and I grew up in dysfunctional, abusive households, but his was middle-class while mine was very poor. I know times are hard in general, because if I'm not mistaken, ours is the first American generation that is not on average better off than our parents were. I know my husband isn't. Both of his parents (now divorced) are more well-off than he is.

And this eats him up.

I have been on food stamps and disability checks, and I've even had less than that. I've been homeless. I've slept in shelters, and I've slept out in the open because there was no shelter. I've had utilities shut off for inability to pay. I've done my laundry in the bath tub and hung it on the shower curtain rod to dry. I've even lived where there was no indoor plumbing, and had to use an outhouse. If I had known how to drive, I would not have been able to afford a car. I grew up in that environment, and I married into it as well. Before Hubby came along, the best I could do for myself was a government-subsidized apartment with paper-thin walls covered in holes and graffiti. I could hear everything that was going on if the neighbors had a party, had a fight, or had intimate relations. My life is drastically better now. Hubby has seen to it that I will never be homeless again, because if something happens to him, there is enough life insurance to pay off the house.

This month he had an unexpected dental emergency, had to get that taken care of, and for the first time since we've owned this house, he was only just able to make the mortgage payment without adding in anything additional toward the escrow. He has never experienced any of the above, but he thinks we're desperately poor because he wasn't able to pay extra toward the mortgage!

Part of me wants to be supportive of him, but another part of me wants to yell "Check your privilege," and tell him what being poor is really like. I did counsel him that he should be glad for what we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have. What would you say in this situation?

 

[turkle]

The loving thing to do is to be understanding of how he's feeling. Having this dental bill is stressful for him, and he's upset. To tell him to get over it because it could be worse will only serve to upset him more and become resentful of you.

It's important to be understanding of the fact that he has a different perspective from you. One is not superior over the other, they are just different. So I support the side of you that wants to be supportive of him. Doing so will draw you closer together. Telling him what being poor is really like (which is in essence telling him that his feelings are wrong) will push you apart. I'm sure you don't want that.

 

[ValleyGal]

When you have always lived in a certain budget, that is what you are accustomed to, and anything less will feel like abject poverty. I went from making $28 per hour down to about half of that when I lost my job and went on employment insurance. It was tight, but we managed because I did not have the huge commute expense. But when that ran out and then my savings ran out... hooboy! I had to stand in line for social assistance, go to the food bank, etc. I continued to make my mortgage payments and my mom helped keep my car on the road, but to me, having been used to making good money, it was like I was on the verge of losing everything. Worse, I had a family to support and I was so ashamed of my inability to provide the life we had been accustomed to - which was modest enough to begin with.

If your husband has never been in the situation where making ends meet is such a stretch that he is shamed or humiliated, or his worst fears (like you possibly being homeless again), that is the feeling you could hopefully identify with. Maybe you can't identify with the reasons he feels that way, but you can certainly understand the feelings themselves. Have you ever felt ashamed, humbled, afraid? Ask him what it is that he is feeling about being so financially tight, and then draw from the experiences in your own life that made you feel those feelings.

When I used to think about what it might mean to lose everything and end up homeless, my fear was very real...fear for my family, fear for our safety and well-being, fear for a permanent change in lifestyle, fear of the unknown, wondering how to keep my faith, keep my sense of self-worth, keep my integrity and my head held high in spite of circumstances. I wondered how to deal with my shame, my failure, my inabilities, not being good enough. It was a very stressful time for me and I thank my God who provided not only the faith to see me through, but when I reached the end of my own rope did not waste any more time providing the job I currently have.

So I think the way to support your husband is to first identify with the feelings he has about it, and then to provide encouragement and strong faith to build his own faith during this time. Not being able to provide can be very emasculating for a man, so it's important to help him maintain his masculine sense of self in other ways. I hope that sort of helps.

 

[pursuetruth]

The way we grow up gives us a very unique perspective on life, doesn't it!
My advice is to allow your husband to be who he is. I am not saying you are being prideful, but I am suggesting that if you think that you are "better than him" because of your perception on what is enough, financially, you might want to rethink that.
Men are naturally more money conscious, it seems, and feel the burden of taking good care of their family.
Your husband is blessed that you have such a wonderful attitude about your blessings.

 

[citizenthom]

Submit. Your husband is highly concerned about the financial solvency of the family. That is a blessing many women are denied, especially today when the need to provide is downplayed. It IS a big deal only to be able to pay the minimum mortgage payment without any "extra," especially to a man concerned about such things.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Thank you for your perspectives, everyone. Sorry it took me a while to get back to the thread. For some reason, I didn't get notifications for the replies.

I suppose I sort of felt similar to when I'm watching some house hunters show on HGTV, and I see a young couple with two kids complain that a five-bedroom house worth $475,000 is too small.

 

[citizenthom]

Thank you for your perspectives, everyone. Sorry it took me a while to get back to the thread. For some reason, I didn't get notifications for the replies.

I suppose I sort of felt similar to when I'm watching some house hunters show on HGTV, and I see a young couple with two kids complain that a five-bedroom house worth $475,000 is too small.

They must be paying someone else to clean it then.

 

[Ana the Ist]

I've talked before about how my husband thinks we're just getting by and have no luxuries, and how my nephew and I cracked up because we can point to many, many things that our family would consider a luxury.

Background: Both my husband and I grew up in dysfunctional, abusive households, but his was middle-class while mine was very poor. I know times are hard in general, because if I'm not mistaken, ours is the first American generation that is not on average better off than our parents were. I know my husband isn't. Both of his parents (now divorced) are more well-off than he is.

And this eats him up.

I have been on food stamps and disability checks, and I've even had less than that. I've been homeless. I've slept in shelters, and I've slept out in the open because there was no shelter. I've had utilities shut off for inability to pay. I've done my laundry in the bath tub and hung it on the shower curtain rod to dry. I've even lived where there was no indoor plumbing, and had to use an outhouse. If I had known how to drive, I would not have been able to afford a car. I grew up in that environment, and I married into it as well. Before Mike came along, the best I could do for myself was a government-subsidized apartment with paper-thin walls covered in holes and graffiti. I could hear everything that was going on if the neighbors had a party, had a fight, or had intimate relations. My life is drastically better now. Mike has seen to it that I will never be homeless again, because if something happens to him, there is enough life insurance to pay off the house.

This month he had an unexpected dental emergency, had to get that taken care of, and for the first time since we've owned this house, he was only just able to make the mortgage payment without adding in anything additional toward the escrow. He has never experienced any of the above, but he thinks we're desperately poor because he wasn't able to pay extra toward the mortgage!

Part of me wants to be supportive of him, but another part of me wants to yell "Check your privilege," and tell him what being poor is really like. I did counsel him that he should be glad for what we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have. What would you say in this situation?

Just sympathize with him...he's not looking to you for solutions, he's just griping. Tell him how he's doing great as a husband and provider. That's what he really wants to hear...that you're happy and not disappointed with him.

It's all relative anyway...to you, his idea of "poor" seems perfectly well-off and not nearly as stressful as your idea of "poor". Meanwhile, to some kid in Africa who's had to fight a wild dog for a scrap of garbage to eat...your time in the homeless shelter sounds like paradise.

Bottom line, your husband isn't looking for a discussion on the definition of poverty...he's looking for reassurance.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Again thank you for everyone's feedback. I will do as you suggest and be sympathetic when he worries.