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how long you should u date someone before marriage

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Forealzchola, May 18, 2010.

  1. Forealzchola

    Forealzchola Contributor

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    I been meaning to post this question up..but how long is it ok to date before getting married? alot of men out here waste women's time stringing them along for years because they " arent ready" I dont believe in waiting on the man but give consideration at the same time..how long should one date before marriage is brought up? I dont believe you should have to date someone for a long time in order to figure out if you want to marry them...other opportunities such as living together or spending vacations in their families homes also help give a clear perspective on living situations. I think 1-3 years is an appropriate time and cut it down as you get older and are wanting to have children especially if you are a woman...i otherwise leave ..t gets harder and is not as healthy to have kids start at 30 or later....for that one is for women....thoughts??
     
  2. Macx

    Macx New Member

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    It is appropriate to date as long as it takes to be sure. Marriage is a BIG deal, at least it is supposed to be. For either person in the relationship to want to take time and make sure it is right, is a sign they are taking the subject as seriously as it should be.

    On the other hand:
    From the 1st Chapter.

    It is almost without exception that one partner or the other will be "ready" before the other. It is the source of much angst, but no one has found a way to avoid it.
     
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  3. CuddlyBear

    CuddlyBear Newbie

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    That depends on the individual and couple concerned. My wedding day was 11 months after our first meeting. I was a teenager. 20 years on it was still the right decision. We 'just knew'. I guess it could be argued that I am the exception to the expected rule. It's very individual.
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2010
  4. heron

    heron Legend

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    You deserve someone wonderful, and kinder than a five-year-stringer.
    I agree with your formula. When people are older, they know what they don't want and have already sorted through a lot. Before 17, people talk about it more like a statement of intent, not a realistic living situation.... so if they'd been dating through high school, those years can be tacked on.

    And as CB said, it is different for every couple.

    The decision is a good test of how the two people will make future decisions together, though. Will one person consider them right, and stay stubborn until the other gives in. Will they both see that each others' opinions and experience need to be listened to and understood.

    If a person says he's not ready, then they SURELY are not ready. Not just in fear or irresponsibility, but also in willingness to live out a lifetime commitment. It impacts a person's whole life. Their partner would suffer if the decision was not mutual.

    We often think of the saying-yes as an affirmation of true love. Security of knowing this person will always stand by us. Closure. A choice to move forward together, with a more honest, practical way of spending time together. Sharing overlapped lives.

    But for many people, this statement only lasts a few weeks, or years...making it just one more way of saying something to get what they want.

    Imagine if someone said yes, but did not want kids... later found out the partner wanted ten. Kids change the relationshop and overpower much of the day-month-year-life. Terms of the partnership contract were not written out. The binding partnership decisions really needs to be mutual.

    But yes, 1-3 years (plus engagement) is common and reasonable.
     
  5. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

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    If you are a good judge of character it should take around 5 minutes. If you are a poor judge of character you might want to take at least a year of courtship so your friends and family can tell you if he's a loser or not.
     
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  6. heron

    heron Legend

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  7. Peripatetic

    Peripatetic Restless mind, peaceful soul.

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    I agree 100%. In fact, too many people that think they are ready, actually aren't. People who have dated a relatively short time tend to idealize a person. Feelings of young love can cloud a person's judgment. For example, one of the biggest causes of failed marriages is the assumption that a boyfriend or girlfriend will change. When you're caught up in the early emotions, it's easy to look past a major incompatibility. But later on, it can cause major problems. Also, a person that is ready to jump in too quickly may consider marriage to be a try-out rather than a lifetime, good-times-and-bad commitment.
     
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  8. Forealzchola

    Forealzchola Contributor

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    I guess to me though the longer you wait to get married ..dating someone for years at a time its very unlikely you will remain sexually pure
     
  9. Peripatetic

    Peripatetic Restless mind, peaceful soul.

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    That's part of the problem with our society today. For hundreds of years, couples got married young, but usually stayed together no matter how hard it got. In many cases, marriages were arranged, so finding Mr. or Miss Right was often impractical.

    Today, marriage has become just a ceremony for many... The world's view is to live together for a few years and then get married. Iif it gets difficult after a few more years, divorce and try again.

    The other side of the coin would be Christians who rush into marriage at a young age because they want to have sex. It can work out, but I can't tell you how many people I know of who ended up divorcing because they had no idea what they were getting into.

    Marriage should be for a lifetime. It is a promise, a commitment, and a life-long challenge that both husband and wife should see through to the end. A spouse will not be perfect, and we can't change them into our romantic Hollywood ideal. Given that, it's best to really know a person. I dated someone for almost a year before meeting my now-wife. Let me toll you, the girl I knew for the first six months was only a part of who she was. A lot more was revealed as the months went on, and I'm very glad that I didn't try to marry her. I'd say that it would be very difficult to get a reasonably complete picture of someone in less than one year... especially at a younger age, as previous posters have said.
     
  10. xuxana

    xuxana ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

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    6 months to one year.
     
  11. Pompa Mike

    Pompa Mike Newbie

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    This is coming from a divorced guy so take it for what it's worth. I'm thinking a year seems about right. Run through all the season's and see if the relationship runs along with them.
     
  12. JDWat09

    JDWat09 Champion For Jesus

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    I have seen lots of people break up including in my own family. At least two years for each of you to get to know each other. Plus the Bible says not to marry a Non-Christian. So, make sure you marry someone who is a believer. I haven't been married myself, and I am nearing 40 in a few months.
     
  13. oi_antz

    oi_antz Indiscreetly honest. Ask at your own risk. Supporter

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    I knew a retired couple who decided to get married the instant they met, it worked out for them. I think it is important to know that your partner is the one you are 100% compelled to love and be loved by forever. If you have reservations about that, you definitely have to get that sorted before you can be confident in each other.
     
  14. gzt

    gzt The age of the Earth is 4.54 ± 0.07 billion years

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    I got married about a year after meeting my wife and about 8 months after beginning to date her. It's not for everybody, but I do think more people should consider whether they're taking too long. You really do have to be up front, from the start, that the point of dating is marriage. Not that this particular relationship will be the one that ends in marriage, but that the whole thing is about marriage. With that sort of perspective, it's hard to get to the point of, after three years, wondering if they're interested at all in marrying you or are just in it for the ride. I don't think it takes three years to figure it out.
     
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  15. heron

    heron Legend

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    If you think about how short the life span sometimes was, it's amazing to think of how people raised families.
     
  16. TheDag

    TheDag I don't like titles

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    Not sure what you mean by living situations so I will respond as I understand it.
    There is nothing stopping a couple from living together if they want to. That is if they want to they will sort out any conflict or problems that arise. So observing them in different enviroments helps determine if they would be willing to o that or if they have a my way or the highway approach.


    Well it is good you have a rough guide as to how long you would wait. However it really depends on the situation. I know people who started going out and were married within a few months which was appropiate for them while it would not have been so for others.


    Why is it not healthy? I understand that certainly all eggs are there already and not coming into existence slowly over the years but why is it not healthy. There are clinics that specifically specialize in working with older pregnant women. They are kept very busy. My friend was considered a baby at the clinic when in her late forties.

    The other problem with this approach is you might just end up pressuring the man to make a decision he is not ready to make and I have seen that so many times and it never ends well. Almost always it will destroy the relationship even if the couple do actually remain together.
     
  17. TheDag

    TheDag I don't like titles

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    I read in a book recently (and I agree) that many men highly value opinions of their girlfriends but when it comes to marriage they ignore their wife's opinion or don't even listen to it.
     
  18. BigNorsk

    BigNorsk Contributor

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    The basic thing isn't a timetable but the getting to know someone well enough.

    Marriage is always there in dating, sometimes it is spoken, sometimes not spoken. Might as well speak of the gorilla in the room rather than ignoring him. Thing is though not to come across as desparate or something. If you just met 5 minute ago and you suddenly are into grilling some poor guy on marriage most will run and rightly so.

    During this process, one should have clear things that will tell you a yes or no as far as marriage. If the other person doesn't meet a requirement of yours, or if he or she has something that is a definite no, then dating should not continue.

    Many people date by just spending enough time that they become emotionally attached, never really get to know the other person and then are surprised when they have so many difficulties getting along once married.
     
  19. seashale76

    seashale76 Unapologetic Iconodule

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    The entire purpose for dating is to find someone you are compatible with to marry. (This is why I have huge issues with people who date just to date and who do so at increasingly childish ages-child being the key word. Marriage doesn't come out of that mindset.) I can only speak from personal experience. I turned down many guys who asked me out, even if I thought they were nice or cute, if I absolutely knew we weren't compatible. If you know yourself and what you want out of life then you'll only settle for others who are of like mind. Once in a dating relationship, it is best to end them quickly if you discover you aren't compatible and that it won't end in marriage. There is no point in dragging out the inevitable and safer for everyone's feelings. However, if you discover that you are compatible then both people will obviously want to get married and not wait years upon years. This mutual discovery could be immediate or it could take longer- though I think most people probably know within a few months to a year.

    I know quite a few people who have dated anywhere from 3-6 months before deciding to marry.
     
  20. JCFantasy23

    JCFantasy23 It's amazing what we take for granted Staff Member Supervisor Supporter Angels Team

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    At least two years. Every relationship I have had usually lasts at least a year and falls apart before the second. In every case a man shows different sides he didn't show the first year, and I change a bit too. Since it's a lifelong commitment, at least two years before marriage is recommended from me anyway.
     
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