How long to wait before marriage?

[moreruthlessjezebel]

I have a dear friend who dated a woman for around 10 years before they married. The week after the wedding, he decided he really was not supposed to be with this woman and within the first month, they divorced. Though he was not (and still, is not, sadly) a Christian, he felt a great deal of sadness over wasting so much time on her.

My old youth pastor and his wife also dated for 10 years before they married. Now they have four children and are spiritual mother and father to many more.

My parents dated for three years before they got married, and have been separated for over 10 years now. My ex's parents dated for three years and have been married and together for over 30 years now and are spiritual mothers and fathers to many more and lead the married couples at their church.

My boyfriend and I were driving in the car yesterday and he said, "Sooo... When do you want to get married?"

"Well... You doing anything tomorrow?"

I was joking (sort of), but we have discussed it for a while and have come to certain conclusions that we pray God will refine for us. We've set a goal for Christmas - that way, we can spend some time with the in-laws as pre-in-laws before tying the knot, save up a bit more money, and if we have continued to grow closer to Christ, then we will go ahead with it. Looking at early next spring, though there are no dates set as of yet.

But I want to hear from you all -- How long are you planning on waiting before marriage? How long did you wait? Is there such a thing as waiting too long?

Have you discussed a time line with your boyfriend or girlfriend?

 

[mina]

I don't think there is a set time for any couple. It's all relative to the couple; what's too long or too short a time frame for one couple might be just right for another couple. I don't think there is a set in stone time frame that will ensure the success of a marriage for everyone; i've heard of success stories and horror stories from couples that both spent a long time dating before marriage and a short time. For myself, the time length isn't important - what is important to me is if we are sure about each other and are both in agreement (and are committed) that we want marriage to one another. I don't think I could be with anyone that was wishy washy about marriage and didn't know what they wanted; especially if we had been together long term. And I think it's pretty disgusting to marry someone and THEN decide you aren't supposed to be with them.

 

[Singermom]

I'll be honest. I knew the very moment that I met my husband that we were going to be married. It wasn't lights flashing or bells ringing; it just seemed obvious, like "the sky is blue, the grass is green, we will be married." He knew, too: he proposed three weeks after we met. However, I said no. I told him that I was only 17 and that I was not going to make any earth-shattering, life-altering decisions until after I turned 18 (yeah, I was a pompous kid). I told him that if (yeah, right) we were still seeing each other after I turned 18, he could ask again. 8 days after my 18th birthday he proposed again, and I accepted; however, we did wait to get married for about 3 years. End result: this fall we are celebrating our 25th anniversary.

As the previous poster noted, there is no hard and fast rule. So much depends on the maturity, dependability and stability of the people involved. They have to realize that marriage is a covenant before God, and that it does mean forever (regardless of what the World says). It means giving of self and loving the other person above all else (except God). It does not mean good sex. It does not mean warm fuzzies. It does not mean an eternal date. It means seeing each other at their worst as well as their best. It means living with a person with no want or need of changing them, taking them as they are. It means doing some things together, but doing some things apart. It means choosing to love someone, even when you don't really like them at times. I know there are times my WH doesn't exactly like me, and vice versa...but we DO love each other.

 

[gzt]

I answered according to what I did (1 year) and I think that most people should get it figured out in at most 2. "Most" and "should" being good words to wiggle around in. I also think people usually shouldn't be dating if they're not at the point where they could be married within a couple years. Not to discount others' experiences where they took longer and it was a-okay or to say they ought to have done something different.

 

[Melethiel]

If I had my way, it'd be about 1-2 years. Unfortunately, while my boyfriend and I know with certainty that we want to marry, it simply is not possible for at least another 3 years, likely 5. But 1-2 years would be ideal.

 

[Manda_24]

I'm getting married just shy of a year and a half of dating Dan. He proposed on our one year anniversary and we planned the wedding for almost 6 months later. Now that it's getting close we wish we would have done it sooner.

As for how long someone should date, I think it's different for everyone. I really do think that you should know within a year of dating someone whether or not you want to marry them. Age is a big factor, I don't think a high schooler who has dated someone for a year should get married.

 

[Luther073082]

My parents where together for 3 days before they got engaged and married after about 3 months together. They are still together and I belive they have been married for about 29 years now.

My in-laws where together for a fairly short time themselves and where married after less then a year and they have been married now for over 30 years. (My wife would probably know the exact number better then me)

My wife and I where engaged after having been together for 8 months when we got engaged and a total of 1 year, 9 months when we got married.

I think its different for each couple. Unless you are young (Under 23) I don't recommend waiting for much longer then 3 years to get engaged. (Unless education or finances are really in the way)

Mostly I recommend that there is something about this person that stands out to you as a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. And that continues to stand out to you over time.

And though its not a popular thing to say among Christians who encourage people to marry young, I would recommend not getting married before 22. Besides the fact that the immaturity that often comes with being that young causes a lot of divorces, there is also the fact that you have to learn how to be an adult and learning to be an adult while also learning to be married is a lot to take on and in general a bad idea.

You are going to make mistakes at both, you don't need to be making those mistakes at the same time.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

My fiance and I just recently got engaged. We have been together for 2 years and 4 months. When we get married, we will have been together 2 years and almost 8 months.

I think it is different for everyone. A lot of christians don't wait longer than 3-6 months, however I would caution against that as the first 6 months-year is known as the honeymoon stage and it's best to wait until after that to really see how you work with someone and get to know them really well.

 

[Tangi]

Interesting...

 

[BeautifulDestiny09]

I got married after four years of dating, and I STRONGLY recommend that if you're not ready to marry within two years of dating, don't date!
Our situation was pretty unique, God kept us through four years but for temptation sake, don't date four years. Start saving for a wedding NOW, and don't let finances or education dictate when you get married unless circumstances are IMPOSSIBLE!

 

[Avaitor]

How long you should date purely depends on you. My Girlfriend an I plan on waiting another two years (due to college, finances, and such). Her Parents wanted us to wait another 6ish years (by age for them, not actual wait time) and my grandparents on my mom's side got married after 1 week (they eloped with there best friends and bother couples have now been happily married for over 60 years) .

So there is no definite answer, it all depends on the couple.

 

[xDenax]

We waited five years to get married. I wanted to finish college especially since he lived 90 minutes from my University. It would have been almost impossible for me to complete my degree if I had gotten married first. My parents also completely supported me financially through those years. I can't imagine the stress if we had chosen a different route.

 

[yourstrulyjulie]

We've been together 3 years, and if it weren't for his school, we would probably be getting married in a year. I have one year left, but he has at least 2, so we've got a while to go. I wouldn't mind if we did before he finished, I would make enough money for both of us, but he won't hear of it, so oh well :/

 

[Fatally.Yours]

Infinity years. Me and my boyfriend don't believe in marriage.

 

[Valerita]

Boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and we're talking about getting married next year. But I've known that I wanted to marry him since the day I met him. And when he asked me to be his girlfriend, he specifically stated "I want to marry you, not just date you. I want us to decide if we are right for marrying each other."

And that was that.

 

[joris]

Infinity years. Me and my boyfriend don't believe in marriage.

Why is that?

 

[joris]

I'm "dating"/courting/in a relationship for almost 9 months. Though we've known each others for a lot longer (as good friends).

Though it's a bit different in our case because it's a long-distance relationship.
Because of that we don't get to see each other a lot (though we do chat daily). If we do get together, it's something like two weeks together non-stop, which are great times

I do hope and think of us marrying, though that still is a big step (big steps are hard for me )
I don't know how long it'll be for us in the end. I think (hope) less then 2 years

 

[Fatally.Yours]

Why is that?

We don't feel the need to be legally contracted to each other, weddings are so expensive therse days and we feel there would be better things that we could spend the money on, we don't need other people to validate we love each other, we're too young anyway and neither of us are religious so it doesn't have any particular significance in that respect.

 

[SpiritlMuse]

there is no hard and fast rule. So much depends on the maturity, dependability and stability of the people involved. They have to realize that marriage is a covenant before God, and that it does mean forever (regardless of what the World says). It means giving of self and loving the other person above all else (except God). It does not mean good sex. It does not mean warm fuzzies. It does not mean an eternal date. It means seeing each other at their worst as well as their best. It means living with a person with no want or need of changing them, taking them as they are. It means doing some things together, but doing some things apart. It means choosing to love someone, even when you don't really like them at times. I know there are times my WH doesn't exactly like me, and vice versa...but we DO love each other.

I agree with Singermom. My first marriage came after a year and a half of knowing each other, the little piece of paper made him think that he owned me, and the abuse started shortly there after. (Luckly he liked that piece of paper so well that he never filed it with the state and it was never recorded w/the state so there was no divorce to get).

Now I have been with my man for 9 years and living with him for 8. My children truly wish that their relationships with their spouses are as good as what we have. We did honestly talk during the beginning of our first year together about getting married, and then after we started living together he has said no. I now know that he has been married twice before and divorced, myself married in the church but it was never "legal" with the state because it was never filed.

We love each other through our good times and bad..though old age problems and defects that can plague us as we age. Taking him in for a stent so he won't have a heart attack, working with doctors, hoping to fix a non sex life because of a long history of diabetes and finding out you will never have one, but choosing to love each other and be with each other because you know that there is so much more to life than just sex. We have no desire to change each other, and I suppose there are times that we may not like each other but we do love each other.

 

[Manda_24]

I find it kinda funny that back when this thread was started I voted around a year or so. My husband and I dated for about a year and then got married less than 6 months after her proposed.