How do you "forgive" when someone denies having done wrong?

[Maremma]

I am sorry you are struggling so hard with this. I understand where you are coming from. I was there too. I was raised by abusive alcoholic parents involved in the occult with all kinds of "not so good" people all over our home, daily doing as they pleased to us kids without any restraint from the parents that were suppose to be loving and protecting us. So it wasn't even just our parents, it was there "friends" as well.

It helps to forgive others when you look at things from THEIR prospective.Ask God to show you THEIR pain, their fears, the things that CAUSED them to treat you so badly. I can guarantee you that THEY didn't just wake up one day and say "Oh I am going to just abuse my child, make her feel useless, unloved, dirty and ashamed." Sinful things happened to THEM that CAUSED them to be the way they are.
That is how satan operates. Once he gets a foothold, he can waltz right in and put them in chains where they are unable to do what is right and good in God's eyes and become slaves to the god of this world. Without Jesus WE are in the EXACT same boat.
It is far easier to forgive someone that you have pity for.

ALL the people in my life that had abused me have done the same things that the people that abused you have done. They can't bear to acknowledge their own sin and so "rewrite" history. When I first "escaped" as a young adult this practice from them was so intense I doubted my own sanity. I couldn't even begin to grasp how they could have such drastically different recollection of the past from me. I understand ALL of what you are going through.

Ask God to put pity towards them into your heart and see just how fast you can be set free from the bondage of un-forgivness. Consider carefully WHO is actually suffering from your holding on to all that pain and un-forgiveness. YOU are the one suffering. YOU are the one "paying for it" YOU are the one being tormented.
When we forgive others it frees us from all that and breaks the spiritual chains that bind us to the abusers. It opens the door to you being able to lead them to Christ by your example.
You so desperately want them to validate you. Admit how terrible they are for what they did to you. You are convinced you NEED that in order to heal and move forward. Well I am here to tell you that you do NOT need it from them. God validates us, God justifies us! We do not need nay human to do it!
The Lord knows every sordid detail. He knew every single sin YOU committed against Him in response to their abuse of you. He knew every single time you grieved His heart by your own sinful reactions and actions to their abuse of you.He knows every evil thought you had against them. He was well aware of how bound in sin by satan YOU were.
He sees the WHOLE big picture. Yet He forgave you BEFORE you repented. He still took pity on you before you ever came to Him and died on that cross for you.
Look at the whole big picture and see it from THEIR perspective and GOD'S perspective and it will become easier for you to do as God did for you and forgive them. You will be able to take pity on them just as God did us.
If WE want to be forgiven by our Heavenly Father we MUST forgive others. If we do not forgive others we will not be forgiven. When we consider this just how important is it really that we keep holding on to that pain and bitterness? How important is it that we allow ourselves to be tortured by our pasts AND being unforgiven by God? It starts to seem very foolish on our parts when we look at the whole big picture for us to refuse to give up the un-forgivness in our hearts

Scriptures even tell us that God hands us over to the jailer to be tormented until we pay everything we owe if we do not forgive others as HE forgave us.

THEY may choose to hold onto the hurts of THEIR past and allow it to hurt others and themselves but WE have a God that is more than big enough, more than powerful enough, more than merciful enough to free us from those things and make us NEW creations in Christ. WE are the "lucky" ones that can choose to live free and in peace because WE chose to allow Jesus to be our savior, our DELIVERER, our HEALER!

 

[Maremma]

Oh I also wanted to comment on your fear of not honoring your father and mother by talking about the abuse to others.
You already had gone to them and tried to work things out with them. They refused to even acknowledge a wrong much less work to make things right between you. Have you taken anyone else that knows the truth along to try to reason with them? If not that would be the next step. If even that fails (and it seems most likely it would, ALL you kids have vivid imaginations!) Then we treat them as pagans or tax collector. We pray for them but we do not yolk together with them. We keep our distance if they are capable of causing us to sin.

When things happen between believers we have a guide to tell us how to deal with them. It also applies well to a believer and non believer.
It is NEVER smart to "hide" or "cover up" sin. Just look at how that worked for the Catholic church hiding the sexual abuse of children by their priests.Sin "breeds" in the dark! God brings things in the dark into the light and so must we,we just do it in a loving manner with the heart of healing and/ or reconciliation as our motivator.

Mathew 18:15-17
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

 

[Johnnz]

Forgiving someone doesn't automatically result in reconciliation or justice. You have done your part. The quality of relationship now depends on them, not you.

John
NZ

 

[goldcreek]

To forgive is needed. You are blessed beyond belief if you can forget. Full restoration is one of God's desires, but it takes both parties to admit what has happened and work towards restoration. My prayers are with you and your healing through Christ.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to respond. I think Johnnz said it best. Just because I don't reconcile doesn't mean I haven't forgiven, and maybe those who are accusing me of not forgiving are confusing the two.

Thank you for the Scripture, Maremma. Those are some beautiful dogs, aren't they?

 

[realtruth101]

I am already aware that forgiveness is done for me, not for the person who wronged me. In fact, most of the people who wrong someone don't even care if they're forgiven or not. I want to know how to go about "forgiving" someone who is convinced that there was no wrong done, and so nothing to forgive.

I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic household, and later married into domestic violence. The abuse is behind me now, but only because I keep family contact to a bare minimum. They wonder why I moved so far away (nearly 3,000 miles) and why I don't like being with them. Well, my husband, pastor, therapist, and healthier family members all agree that this was the best thing for me to do. Often when an overly manipulative family member says, "I miss you," what is really meant is "I miss controlling you." Likewise, "I only want you to be happy," can mean "I want you to like living under my thumb," but if I continue in this direction, it can turn into a whole different post.

I am sometimes accused of being bitter about certain horrible things that have been done to me. It's beyond the scope of one post to go into too much detail, but to give an idea, it has ranged from verbal abuse to downright life-threatening situations, including such things as being held hostage and being abused sexually. I am under the care of an excellent therapist, please rest assured, and for the record he is a Christian.


My question is, when I ask about something like that, I will be told:

• It didn't really happen.
• You imagined it.
• You're exaggerating.
• Maybe you dreamed it.
• You must have seen it on TV, and got confused and thought it happened to you.
• You have emotional problems, and that means your memory is warped.

This is coming from people who consider me the family historian, and won't hesitate to call and ask me who we lived next door to in 1974, because my memory is so accurate.

In any case, if it "didn't happen," then they did nothing wrong, and what is there to forgive? Therefore, how can I?

personally witnessed someone manifest a demon, she growled and snarled at me and in a blink of an eye she was back to normal having no recollection of what just accured, I always wondered if it may be possible for demons to take over a person make them do things then leave them and also leaving them with no memory of what they have just done. Its always been a question I have never been able to answer, but might explain alot of strange things

 

[fleabrain13]

An interesting view of forgiveness is found in Acts when Stephen is being stoned to death. Stephen prayed for those who were killing him. (This is what it looks like when God is within us)
One of those who was there and a recipient of that prayer was Paul. We know Paul went on to be a slave for Jesus Christ and a great blessing to believers.
Had Stephen NOT forgiven and prayed a prayer releasing his enemies to God, would Paul have died in his sin?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

An interesting view of forgiveness is found in Acts when Stephen is being stoned to death. Stephen prayed for those who were killing him. (This is what it looks like when God is within us)
One of those who was there and a recipient of that prayer was Paul. We know Paul went on to be a slave for Jesus Christ and a great blessing to believers.
Had Stephen NOT forgiven and prayed a prayer releasing his enemies to God, would Paul have died in his sin?

I've often wondered about that. I'd love to see the Stephen/Paul reunion in Heaven.

 

[realtruth101]

I've often wondered about that. I'd love to see the Stephen/Paul reunion in Heaven.

Its all ready happened, just as Rev. 6:9-11 show those who are slain for the word of God, are very much alive and coherent, they are simply waiting for waiting for justice that comes when Christ comes again.

 

[Maremma]

Indeed I am certainly confused. I personally am not accusing you of un-forgiveness. I was responding to your seeming admission of a struggle to forgive these people.

You asked how to go about forgiving people that don't admit to having done anything wrong. What would be the point of asking that question if you had already forgiven them?
You said people had accused you of being bitter about certain incidences. We are not with you to see this for ourselves so we take your word for it. Bitterness goes hand in hand with un-forgiveness and is FAR from the hearts of those that have been able to forgive.
What you have said personally is what I based my responses on, not the fact that you have not reconciled with your family. Quite the opposite. I would not think it wise to try to reconcile and have close relationships with people that abuse you if they have not repented. I would not suggest anyone do anything that could even remotely push them away from the Lord. I am speaking from experience and understand completely the scriptures that tell us if our eye causes us to sin pluck it out! I agree that you plucking them out was the godly thing to do.

Indeed the maremma is a beautiful sheep dog, inside and out.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Maremma, let me make myself clear. NOBODY in this thread made any accusations. It is family who thinks I am unforgiving, because I moved thousands of miles away and will not go back. everyone.