How do you deal with the loneliness?

[corno12]

It's now almost 13 months since the Lord took my wonderful Jim to heaven at age 56. It feels like the first couple of layers of numbness have worn off and every day I seem to feel the loss of him more. We were childless so I don't have the comfort of seeing him in a son or daughter. I find myself back in the beginning stages of kind of a paralysis, just escaping where I can into a movie, etc.

Does anyone have a practical suggestion on how to cope other than "keeping busy" or praying and leaning more on Jesus? I certainly do the latter but I was just wondering how other widows/widowers handle this.

With much appreciation and the Lord bless you all~

 

[blackribbon]

I actually think you are entering in one of the harder phases about now. You have survived a year, so you know you can do that. However, you now have to face who you are without him and figure that out. It is a learning process. Give it time. There are so many things I looked forward to WITH my husband, but they didn't even look desirable without him. They were about "us". Now it was just me and I had to figure out which things I liked because I actually liked them. For example, fishing was NOT one of them. So running a bait house in my retirement was no longer something I wanted (we were going to buy a bait house so he could become a fishing guide when he retired.)

Also, people start to fade away now that you have past the magical "one year" mark that is supposed to me we are back to normal. Not true...we are never back to normal, the goal is to find a new normal. And I don't think we ever stop missing them either...it just gets less intense and maybe a little less public.

There are some other issues that you might face later this year..but I will post those later.

It still is often a survive day by day process. I also had some severe flashbacks for a few weeks around 14-15 months...not to scare you, just to let you know you aren't going crazy if they do come. Just post and we can talk. I think the hard times are just our bodies way of saying that it is having a hard time processing that this is really true.

 

[blackribbon]

As for tips, all I can suggest is to find people to be with. See if there are any widows groups in your church or nearby churches.

 

[manny101]

Hi sister in Christ We all go through losses one way or another. I went through a loss about 2 years ago. The holidays were the worse time. I have been praying for God to give me new dreams, love and a new destiny, and I am happy to say that He is doing a wonderful work in my life. You have gifts and talents. I know within you it seems like all has died and you have no incentive or even care to do anything for anyone. I have been there, I could have slept all day and all night. I also don't have any children, at least not the kind of children that would glorify God with their behavior, and I would like to encourage you. What are your gifts? What dreams did you have before the death of your husband? Before it, what gave you pleasure? What make you sad? Did you know that there are thousands of children that never had a mom and would love to know that people like you would love to love them and make them feel wanted? I am 65 and God has given me the gift of parenting. As far as I am concerned, as I retire in a few months, that is, get my Canada pension, I would love to go to Brazil and work with street children that never knew the love of a mom. Also human trafficking, these kids, some 3 and 4 year olds are sold into prostitution. We need moms to get sight of a new destiny, someone that God wants to heal completely from their loss, but yet, use the experience of that loss to minister to a child that is still there with absolutely no hope. I will be praying for you and I want you to feel free to contact me, even if you are upset, it is ok, I have been there. I live in Canada and today is over 20 below but my heart is full of joy and peace as I think about what I have learned with what I went through and ready to love and encourage someone that is still there. OUR GOD ROCKS. Father in Jesus name, penetrate her heart, apply the healing balsam and the resurrection power of the cross and restore her and let life flow through her heart in such a way that she knows YOU DID IT. God bless your sister in Christ Manny

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

It's now almost 13 months since the Lord took my wonderful Jim to heaven at age 56. It feels like the first couple of layers of numbness have worn off and every day I seem to feel the loss of him more. We were childless so I don't have the comfort of seeing him in a son or daughter. I find myself back in the beginning stages of kind of a paralysis, just escaping where I can into a movie, etc.

Does anyone have a practical suggestion on how to cope other than "keeping busy" or praying and leaning more on Jesus? I certainly do the latter but I was just wondering how other widows/widowers handle this.

With much appreciation and the Lord bless you all~

Im so sorry to hear of your loss of a Soul Mate. And at an early age too boot. The emptiness is certainly understandable.

One of the greatest sources available to you for recovery, is to regularly surround yourself with People whether in a Small Group, Support Group, a Recreational type Group that shares a common interest ( arts n crafts, hiking, nature, casinos , bike riding, book study, eating out, cooking club, gardening, sewing, or volunteering ) . If you have plenty to fill up your schedule that will help a lot, plus, if you can take the initiative of getting into a Group/Club then you will have lots of people to interact with.

The journey after loosing a precious loved one, is a very difficult one and it will be very easy to move into a hermit status which you must fight against . It will require some resolve on your part to move in the direction of healing that becomes available thru regular interaction of people you enjoy being around , for whatever the reason.

I know there are books available which can help you formulate a plan , and possibly local seminars offered thru the library or Village Office. Don't forget the various ministries at the church you attend which will give you a strong sense of purpose in service to God and Others.

 

[Godisgood12]

How do you deal with the loneliness?

God.

 

[manny101]

I have gone through lot of loss. At first it was very difficult, I felt I could not trust anyone, but especially God. In my numbness I was depressed and I had no incentive to do anything. Got involved in a women's group for about a year, and little by little I started to listen to bible tapes - as soon as I got up and before going to bed. I also started to listen to youtubecindytrimmatomicpowerprayers and others. I started to establish a relationship with joycemyersministries, john hagee, cornerstone, etc. etc. and call them to pray for me whenever I felt my mind was working overtime. I still do that but now is not as frequently. Also I realized I needed deliverance due to what I went through, physical, emotional and spiritual abuse. Now when I sense negative and undermining thoughts cross my mind, I catch myself and start renouncing it and claiming God's promises for my life. We can correspond if you want. I understand how you feel and you are not alone, regardless of what the devil tells you. I had two daughters, raised in a Christian way and yet they have chosen to be demonic like their father. So I also live alone and it would be nice to meet other ladies that are in the same situation. God bless

 

[Lindaschatting]

I woke up one day and decided I was going to church and apologize to the pastor for being so angry at her for a year. I decided it was time to paint rooms in the house one day. While painting I started complaining to my husband about errors he had made. I began to cut down about 25 lilac bushes! Often crying and yelling at my husband for planting them all to start with, leaving me with a mess now. I went into chat sites and argued with anyone that I could because they didn't know me. <s> I had also begun to drink and way to much. Neighbors were bringing it to me, I was only to willing to deaden my pain. I knew I would stop and did eventually, on my clock. Not suggesting that at all! Wasn't a good thing, but was just how it went down in the beginning. Started listening to a CD for stress that I had downloaded somewhere and thank goodness, it turned into my new means of falling asleep peacefully.. Eventually, moving into a new line of work... To care for others, to give back..

 

[Lindaschatting]

Another thing that I am thinking about is when everyone kept telling me to listen to music that my husband & I used to listen to.. Well I was doing that for a good week or so.. I would cry and dance alone at home.. while in so much physical pain.. Finally it hit me.. and I said to myself.. Why am I doing this to myself??? I get it.. they all wanted me to cry it out.. but I was crying on my own.. didn't want to be crying around everyone else.. I didn't want everyones sympathy.. I wanted to figure out who I was again.. I was trying to figure out how I was going to be normal again.. So instead.. I started playing music that "I like".. and that began to help.. I like to dance, nothing special.. but it was a good means of releasing the anxiety/anger.

 

[bill5]

Does anyone have a practical suggestion on how to cope other than "keeping busy" or praying and leaning more on Jesus?

Some good tips here IMO Grief Help - Grieving?

 

[Lindaschatting]

Practical?? Do you have any hobbies? or think about learning something new.. Take classes at a local school, or self taught classes at home. Something physical works for me. IE:This summer I spent cutting down 25 lilac bushes that my husband had planted.
I also repainted every room in the house, make changes around the house. Sign up for a bowling league, etc..

 

[manny101]

Hi

These past 3 years I have known the meaning of loneliness, rejection and abuse. Thank God it is finished. I believe that God has allowed this to happen so I would be forced to go deeper in Him and train me for His glory. Even now I have some days that I am not myself yet, yet, I started praying for a deep sense of purpose in my life and God has answer my prayer by putting a need in my heart of praying against human trafficking. I can pray for hours and my days are filled. Also I have learned more about it by watching movies in the internet, portraying the reality of such horrors. It seems like when we become aware of what is going on in our world, we need to believe that we are alive to be part of the problem and when we do that, God fills us with His peace, joy and sense of purpose that fills all emptiness. God bless. I also listen to bible tapes every day, which helps me. If you need a friend, don't hesitate to communicate.

 

[blackribbon]

Bill5...that is a good reference for those during the first year but I have not found any good sources that really deal with the "rest of your life" that comes after that first year....especially if you are younger and don't "fit" with the crowd that most people picture as "widow" age. Money is also often an issue...quite often we can't afford to take a vacation or take up a new hobby...or even afford to take time off from work or school.

 

[bill5]

br - I am "younger" relatively speaking and well past my first year, and find that most if not all of those things apply well past that. And really, the year mark doesn't necessarily mean anything, ie some people are well into regrouping before that, while others may take much longer. My personal take is dealing with the rest of your life is similar.

As for money, that's a different issue entirely, and always is for almost all of us, whether we lose someone or not. Likewise regarding taking time off; it's not typically tied directly to the loss (I regret if yours is). And you don't need to spend much if anything for new hobbies; depends on one's interests. For ex I got involved with a club who meet off and on to walk the nature trails nearby. Another one I did for awhile would get together to play cards. Not flashy, but I don't care much about flash anyway. They were nice, easy-going people and I think breaking those periods of isolation are huge.

 

[manny101]

Depending where you live and your culture, it can be very different. If you live in America or even Europe and if Christ is the foundation of your life, remember nothing happens that He cannot bring something good out of it. Certainly financial skills and budgeting play an important part but My God is mighty and You are important for Him and to accomplish His purposes. He has a wonderful plan for our lives and we cannot afford to be fatalistic or give into victimization. REMEMBER GOD IS MIGHTY - AND THE PLANS HE HAS FOR YOUR LIFE ARE PLANS FOR GOOD AND NOT FOR EVIL, PLANS TO GIVE YOU A HOPE AND A FUTURE. God bless

 

[blackribbon]

I will be 5 years out at the end of the month. I am in school full-time and any money or time I have outside of school goes to my kids. I have seen God's hand in our lives in so many ways...including my schooling. I have no doubt that I am exactly where God wants me. I am doing "fabulous" on the most part...at least from the outside looking in. My kids are thriving. However, it is lonely to be parenting alone and just being alone with no one to talk to about the little mundane things that make up most of our lives. And sometimes I am just very tired. I still don't sleep very well. My problem isn't filling my time...I have very little "extra" time. My problem is just the loneliness. I truly hope that this is just a "season" in my life and not the rest of my life.

 

[manny101]

there are so many ladies that live alone. Did you ever think about making a friendship club in which we all ladies could encourage each other and establish friendships and learn about the different part of the world, cultures and who knows even one day meet the other ladies personally through travelling. God is good and He does not waste any season of our lives.

 

[blackribbon]

I am in nursing school. If I am not at school or in the hospital, I am studying or attending one of my kids functions. I honestly don't have time for any clubs (or attending the ones I used to belong to).

I miss having someone to come home to and discuss things that most people won't care about...like my son opening his first bank account with his first paychecks...or my daughter's annoying habit of procrastinating...things that their daddy would have considered "news". I also need someone to come home to and cry to after a clinical instructor was excessively brutal with her expectations or finding out that one of my patients may not make it too much longer.

I appreciate your suggestions but I am not in that season of my life. I am in full-speed ahead single mother trying to survive each day while still molding my kids into Godly ethical people that aren't forever scarred from losing their precious daddy so young.

 

[blackribbon]

Sorry Manny...your post may have been directed at the OP and not me. I am sorry if I answered out of line.

I find I am the type of widow that no one is equipped to deal with...not counseling or church or anywhere. The only practical "support" I have found is online from other single parent of minor children widows/widowers....and overtime, it gets harder and harder to ask them to listen to your issues one more time. Life feels like a broken record.

Ironically, I keep looking for support or help ... or something. Mostly society thinks it should be in the past like a divorce ... not realizing that I make decisions daily about the kids with his viewpoint in mind. He is very present in my mind and has to be on some level.

 

[manny101]

I understand how you feel and can identify with it totally. I had to realize that sometimes people need to talk about something until it is out of their system and most people can only give so much and do not have enough empathy or compassion or gifts to support and just be a listener. Also it is very important that a relationship based on prayer and seeking the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and healing for the situation is most important. Feeling like a square peg in a round hole?? There is hope girl. I am here for you if you want to talk. God bless Jesus is the healer and after so many years of seeking support even in churches, I got the message that He wants me to put Him first in my life and stop having expectations of people that cannot meet our needs. Also another thing that I have been praying for it is that I want God to guide me to fulfill my destiny and He has a destiny for you and me and all of us. The world will let you down but Jesus Christ won't and He will not waste anything we go through. God bless