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How Do I handle a Christian Husband who is a chronic liar?

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by cutie76, Jul 21, 2007.

  1. cutie76

    cutie76 Regular Member

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    My husband is a Christian, not a new one either, and has been lying to me.

    He has lied about his porn addiction in the past. I found out b/c I confronted him with the truth that I knew what he was doing.

    He hid bills from me so that I would not know what is really going on. He wasn't paying them. I found this out b/c calls started coming and I would sometimes get the mail and overdue bills would arrive. He came clean, but continued to do it.

    Now, he's unemployed and I found out he's lied on his resume. I went to send it to some companies and went to review it to make sure it was current and it was a BIG FAT FAKE RESUME!! I confronted him, he seemed broken and even shed some tears.

    I helped him fix it. That was Tuesday. So today, I was on the computer while he ran errans looking for jobs and pulled up his resume. He changed it and it's another FAKE resume. It even has yesterday's date, he sent it out.

    Does he honestly thing God will bless him with a job??

    The Bible speaks very clearly on lying and liars, even a "little white lie" is sin.

    This is an integrity issue too. Employers do not want liars for employees. They will find out the truth, it will catch up with him.

    What can I do?

    He did agree to meet with a Pastor from our church this week. My plan is to bring this up. My husband, by his choices has broken trust in our marriage. Although he is forgiven by me, there are still consequences. I am considering removing him from our bank account and handing all finances until certain expectations can be met and he earns back the trust. Yes that is humbling, it's not what I want to do - but love is not about what we want to do all of the time.

    We have two young children who are right now adversely affected by my husband's lying both directly and indirectly. His poor money managing and career choosing has forced me to go get a job to support us. Young children need a mom. Thank God, my job is from home though.

    Also, kids model their parents. If they see Daddy lying, they may do it too.

    Actually, my kids are more well behaved and obedient to me than my husband is to God right now.

    I am heart broken over this, the condition of my husband's heart is hurting me.

    Thanks for listening!! Can anyone relate? Any advice?
     
  2. Pennelope

    Pennelope New Member

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    Ooh, you're not overreacting. Can I be frank? (It's so hard to be gentle on a board like this.) Men who have been involved in porn often have addictive issues in their lives. And one of the jokes in addiction recovery groups is, "How do you know when an addict is lying?" The answer is: "When you see his lips moving."

    Tears or not, it doesn't sound like repentance and change are taking place. Whether or not he gets a job is not the most important issue going on here. I would run, not walk to a pastor in whom I have confidence and tell the whole story, and I would then tell my husband that I had done that. The light of reality needs to begin shining in for both of you, and you need more support than we can give or than you can give yourself.

    The fact that you are not the spiritual leader in your family doesn't mean that you shouldn't take action in a situation like this, but it probably means that a cycle of "he promises, you agree, he falls", "he promises, you agree, he falls" is NOT going to be what brings about change. I haven't seen accountability for hard issues between spouses work well very often.

    God bless you. He will be near you. Take time to be quiet and recall your intention to belong to him, asking him to enable you to allow him to come into you. Nothing is impossible with God.

    I'll pray.
     
  3. BigNorsk

    BigNorsk Contributor

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    You are right that lying is bad and it sure isn't helping the situation but there is likely more going on. It's why is he lying. Is he afraid. Or does he feels so badly that he just can't face it or what.

    I was concerned when you seem quite condemning of his choice of work. Maybe it wasn't going to be a high paying job but if it was honest work I don't know why you would so condemn it. Maybe money issues have been around in your marriage for quite awhile and maybe he is so scared that he lies thinking that getting a job by whatever means will save your marriage or at least earn some approval from you.

    Bills could pile up the same way, he's afraid to say no to things so money is spent that isn't available and then there isn't money to pay the bills. So they pile up. And it just spirals out of control.

    Then the answer is find more income. I'm pretty sure he didn't feel you were happy and supportive of working, so he's driven to try and find more income. No money for school, what does he do.

    Well he tried to take a shortcut. He lied. Condemnation for lying probably doesn't seem much worse, maybe even less, than not being able to provide for his family.

    Anyway, spend time talking to each other, really talking to each other, when there is someone there to direct the conversation. Try to find out what he feels, and why he feels it. Try to find out why he lied. And even if it doesn't make sense at first, don't just dismiss it.

    I suspect you have a very scared man as a husband. Desperate might be a better word. Willing to do things he wouldn't normally do because he is so afraid of something, so desperate.

    I could be wrong, he could have been a low life slug fit only for scraping off your shoes from way back. But I would prefer to be forced into that position rather than starting there.

    Try to find out what he is afraid of.

    Marv
     
  4. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

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    If you are a Christian you should respect and obey him. If you are not you should consider treating him like an irresponsible liar.
     
  5. ido

    ido Adios

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    HUH?

    Anyway, I can completely relate. It's so difficult to trust someone who repeatedly lies to you. I would definitely encourage the counseling, but don't expect that it will cure your husband's issue with lying.

    Lying can become habitual simply b/c the person has always gotten away with it. It can also hide something deeper (as someone else mentioned above) - which may be something they aren't willing to acknowledge or discuss. If the latter is the case, you may not be able to "fix" the problem.

    I will be in prayer for you. Depending on what they lies are about, it can be devestating to a marriage. :(
     
  6. hope4today

    hope4today Veteran

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    Sounds like you are making wise choices here. Seeking godly counsel and making wise practical choices for you and the kids.
    I would suggest that depending on the skills and training of your pastor that you may need to consider professional assistance. If there are addiction issues involved, then talking with someone with experience in the area would be very advisable 'cos they know what to look for. And porn addictions are very difficult for men and women to overcome. It takes time, patience and really strong boundaries and accountability. You are not alone, many men and women go through this. It is a durge of the age we are in. The shame of the addiction contributes to the lying. It is a viscious cycle, but it can be broken.

    There will be reasons for his actions and you will both likely need to make changes and work together, if he is prepared to do that.

    God is faithful, rest in him and know he loves you and is caring for you.

    Bless you