How can I stop being angry at my husband?

Observer

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Hi all,

My husband and I have been in a whirlwind over the past few weeks. Thank you to everyone who prayed for us.

I wanted to break up, then he wanted to break up, then I moved out and missed him terribly, now we're back together. It's just been really stressful and messy and it's taken a bit toll on both of us.

I really thought we would not get back together but I prayed to God for a miracle, confessed my sins and put my husband first. I got rid of all of my resentment (or God got rid of it for me I think) and all I could think of is what I need to change in myself, instead of thinking what my husband needs to change. It felt like everything was so different, we got back together and it's been great. I started feeling happy which I have not felt for years.

Then I came home from an 18 hour shift at work, my husband is now unemployed because he didn't show up to work.. and he told me he'd do housework and he did literally none.

I am finding it extremely hard not to fall back into our old rut because I feel like he is not making the same changes as I am. It's killed the happiness I had and I find it really hard to appreciate him and be attracted to him when he's lazy.

I am really scared that I have made the wrong choice and that if I stay with him, we're never going to have any money, house.. he says he never wants kids and I do in a few years (I think!).. we disagree on a lot.

I don't want to fly off the handle and make hasty decisions and say things I will regret. I just feel so neglected and angry and I don't know how to change my feelings. I havent said any of this to my husband, because I agreed to change, I agreed I wouldn't spill all my emotions on him 24/7 anymore. But I feel like he is not working with me or making changes

How can a wife appreciate her husband when he is depressed and not being supportive, how can I have compassion for him instead of resentment? Its hard because he doesnt have much compassion for me when I get depressed. I am trying so hard to be patient but the resentment is growing
 

ProudMomxmany

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I think you need to start with looking at yourself...instead of "how can I have this when he doesn't give me that", just look at yourself. How can YOU change YOUR outlook on things. I know its hard when he's sort of a slacker and doesn't act the way you'd like or do the things you want him to do.

I read your other post about your differences and honestly, I believe that you both started out unequally yoked. You're a vegetarian/vegan with strong feelings about animal rights. He doesn't care. He won't hold down a job...etc. Did you know these things before you married or are these changes that have happened since the marriage?

I would strongly suggest both individual and marital counseling, see if you can find a middle ground.
 
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akmom

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I think you're headed in the right direction, by focusing on your own changes. Don't get discouraged by one setback! Pray that God will bring you back to that place of being able to focus on your own part of the marriage and not let your thoughts dwell on your husband's shortcomings.

Your husband needs to take responsibilities also, and not spontaneously decide to quit a job or suddenly decide to do housework instead without bothering to get around to it - let alone without consulting you about this switch. But the time to discuss that is probably not when you're frustrated. Ask God to give you patience and wisdom and good timing when it comes to talking to your husband about his role.

Are you a vegetarian or an actual vegan? If you're just a vegetarian, perhaps you could take charge of meal planning and just provide what food you feel is acceptable. This puts the responsibility of making filling, nutritionally balanced and satisfying meals on you alone. If you're morally comfortable with a pescetarian diet, that opens up a lot of options. It's nutritionally challenging to be a vegan, so I have no idea how to work with your husband on that. But vegetarians, and especially pescetarians, can have very satisfying and normal meals that anyone can enjoy. Maybe instead of trying to "convince" him, demonstrate to him that it can be a satisfying lifestyle.
 
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ValleyGal

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How can a wife appreciate her husband when he is depressed and not being supportive, how can I have compassion for him instead of resentment? Its hard because he doesnt have much compassion for me when I get depressed. I am trying so hard to be patient but the resentment is growing

Resentment is really hard to overcome once it sets in. If left alone, eventually other things will creep in like criticism - these are deadly to marriages. Overcoming resentment will take a lot of hard work and good self-awareness. It will involve "taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ." It will also involve some really strategic questions.

For the questions, never start a question with "why" because it will cause defensiveness right off the bat. But the goal of your questioning is to gain greater understanding about why....so this is why it's "strategy." You want to find out why without actually asking why. One question I find really helpful is "what can I do to support you in (insert task)?" Or you can ask "what kinds of things are preventing you from doing the tasks you say you're going to do?" Spend some time really thinking about some questions that won't get his defenses up, and start the discussion with a soft heart.

You're in an interesting position that's had me quite fascinated lately....the dilemma that the man is supposed to be the "head" (for me this means he is responsible for initiating reconciliation, initiating the tone in the home, and giving/receiving influence with his wife). And if the husband is the initiator, the wife is the respondent. The problem in a lot of marriages that I've seen is that some men don't seem to take this responsibility very seriously, so it then becomes his wife's responsibility.

This is a hard position for you to be in, because some men don't easily accept their wife's influence. But there is good news! There's a book called "A Sacred Influence" by Gary Thomas, which addresses this very issue. Although I did not actually start from a place of resentment, I found the book very useful. I don't know how I would have responded if I did start from a place of resentment. Still, it might be a good investment for you.
 
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razzelflabben

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Your question is, How can I stop being angry at my husband? You can stop being angry through the power of the HS, just like your post already testifies to previous work. You can learn to forgive him daily, I find it helpful to look at others the way Christ looked at us on the cross, when He said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do"...if you husband really understood what was going on, he would not behave the way he is.

you can also do as another poster suggested, take your thoughts captive unto the Lord. Couple that with Phil. 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things....this really does go a very long way in healing from resentments.

Also, look for the good, the things that first attracted you to your husband. Those "good" things are a reflection of God that is being clouded over by sin. Take the time to look for those "good" things, those reflections of God again. Gen. 1:27 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

Finally, remember this passage...I Peter 3:1
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,...iow's your very life is to be lived out in such righteousness that the testimony of that righteousness, works with the HS to convict your husband of his own sins, his own shortcomings.
 
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HannahT

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I don't want to fly off the handle and make hasty decisions and say things I will regret. I just feel so neglected and angry and I don't know how to change my feelings. I havent said any of this to my husband, because I agreed to change, I agreed I wouldn't spill all my emotions on him 24/7 anymore. But I feel like he is not working with me or making changes

No one would wish emotions being spilled on them 24/7. lol I don't think that is possible anyway!

Changing yourself is a good thing, but there is also a concept of enabling bad behavior. There is nothing wrong with being direct, and forgiving as well.

It takes two to make a successful relationship. No doubt there are individuals that feel forgiving and not addressing bad behavior is the way to go, but they are dreaming if they call that successful. They just like their denial better.

Keep in mind you can bring up things that bother you, and you can do it in a way that is not over the top 'emotional'.

Chances are he won't like that either, but just because he doesn't like it doesn't make it wrong. There are alot of people that get defensive when they are called out - even nicely.

They still need to hear it, and marinate in that reality. The ball is in their court as far as what they will do to work towards a decent relationship - or they can choose to act like a child. Your changing may not change that! Everyone needs to show effort!

Now, don't get wrong here and feel you need to nitpick every little thing. In life some things are JUST not worth the war. Its just plain not worth the energy, because it doesn't have a huge impact on anything.

Let me give you a silly example! Lets take the stereotypical - socks on the floor. If the person has made an effort to pick them up MOST of the time - all out war isn't needed on the one day they didn't.

If you are working all the time, and he is sitting home all the time doing nothing? That needs to be addressed.

If he does the household stuff majority of time? Let it go.

If he doesn't do the way you WANT it to be done? That is worth a pleasant discussion, but you may have to learn to live with his way of doing it.

Stop and think before you confront. Are you getting defensive due to the past? Is this confrontation in anyway due to past garbage that was on you? I'm NOT saying you can't talk about it - because it still needs to spoken about. I'm just saying travel lightly in that conversation when you know its triggering you.

On the other hand? Ignoring issues that tore you apart in the past isn't going to help even if you do change. You can't ignore the elephant in the living room, but you can find ways of getting the animal OUT of there!
 
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razzelflabben

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okay, I'm confused...didn't you ask how you can stop being angry, not how you can "fix your husband"? Trying to "fix" someone else, or even advice on how to fix someone else without hearing their side of the story is a very dangerous thing to try to do. For example, in the case of your husband not doing the chores he agreed to, maybe there was a reason, we don't know from your post nor from your husband. To offer advice on how to "fix" that part of your husband without this information, would make us judges with evil motives.

So, what then are you asking? are you asking how to stop being angry? or are you asking how to "fix" your husband? I thought the first was what you were asking, some seem to think it was the latter.
 
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HannahT

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okay, I'm confused...didn't you ask how you can stop being angry, not how you can "fix your husband"? Trying to "fix" someone else, or even advice on how to fix someone else without hearing their side of the story is a very dangerous thing to try to do. For example, in the case of your husband not doing the chores he agreed to, maybe there was a reason, we don't know from your post nor from your husband. To offer advice on how to "fix" that part of your husband without this information, would make us judges with evil motives.

So, what then are you asking? are you asking how to stop being angry? or are you asking how to "fix" your husband? I thought the first was what you were asking, some seem to think it was the latter.


:confused::confused:

I don't even know where you are getting this impression personally.

She seems to be speaking of how they are struggling with their relationship, and she is having a hard time dealing with it.

If you read what she said - its was a bit more broad than just stopping being angry...which SHOULD be a good thing.

I mean you find the source of the angry, and work towards solving the issues.

Sounds like their journey has just begun, and she wanted to encouragement to keep going. Nothing wrong with struggling - we tend to grow in those times.

What's wrong with that?
 
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High Fidelity

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I think you absolutely have grounds to be annoyed and disappointed in your husband.

Starting to see an unfortunate pattern as well. He didn't show up to work and consequently lost his job... Then he can't even bring himself to find time in his busy schedule to do housework while you're at work?

Not only that, he agreed to do something and didn't. Personally I get annoyed when people don't stick to their word... I think it says a lot about them.
 
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razzelflabben

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:confused::confused:

I don't even know where you are getting this impression personally.

She seems to be speaking of how they are struggling with their relationship, and she is having a hard time dealing with it.

If you read what she said - its was a bit more broad than just stopping being angry...which SHOULD be a good thing.

I mean you find the source of the angry, and work towards solving the issues.
from my reading of the OP she already knows the source of the anger and they have been working toward resolution, even to the point of reuniting the marriage...in fact, I was under the impression that they already had enough answers to give them plenty to work on, which is why I am asking the OPer what intent she had....iow's I didn't ask you what the OPer intended, obviously you and I read the OP differently. I was asking the OPer to clarify what the intent of the OP was, so that there was no confusion. I would appreciate it if you did not confuse the thread by trying to speak for the OPer.
Sounds like their journey has just begun, and she wanted to encouragement to keep going. Nothing wrong with struggling - we tend to grow in those times.

What's wrong with that?
No one said anything about struggle being bad, in fact, I am very thankful for struggle, because it is how we grow. Not sure why you would bring that into the question I asked the OPer or why you would even try to respond for the OPer?!?
 
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ValleyGal

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I was thinking about your thread. It might help to understand anger. Anger is the manifestation of a more primary emotion, so it might help to uncover that emotion. Typically anger is a cover for pain or fear. Think about the pain or fear that might be driving the anger. Once you identify it, you might be better equipped to deal with the root.

For example, if you are angry that he does not do the cleaning like he said he would, your fear might be that he will never contribute to the home like you need him to and your needs will then be unmet; the pain might be that he hurts you by not keeping his word. Then rather than get mad the messy house, you can instead focus on meeting your needs for security.

Anger is a gift from God. It helps us to recognize that something is not quite right. It either drives us to selfishness or it drives us to examine ourselves and our situation to see whether the anger is justified anger or selfish anger. If it's selfish anger, then we need to figure out how to learn coping skills. If it's justified anger, then we need to figure out how to reorganize our life in a way that will take care of the root of the anger. If the root is pain, then deliberate action towards healing will be necessary; if the anger is rooted in fear, the fear might be justified and you need to find a way to be safe or otherwise diminish your fear.
 
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LilLamb219

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MOD HAT ON

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This thread has undergone a small thread clean. Please remember to address the topic and not bicker amongst yourselves :)

Thank you!

MOD HAT OFF
 
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Observer

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ValleyGal, yes I am angry because I'm hurt and scared. I feel like he will never take care of me, never put me first, never love me as he loves himself. I know I would never be happy in that kind of dynamic. I'm angry that he doesn't care enough about me to put me first even though I am paying all the bills etc. Its like no matter what I do, nothing is good enough for him to be able to care about me emotionally. It hurts a lot, I dont want to be a breadwinner at all, Im happy to do all housework etc but not if I'm also the breadwinner

I was originally asking how to not get mad over little things and ignore the poisitve things he does. But the problem is that since I felt that way, he's become less and less caring and our marriage is no different to just before we split up.
 
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razzelflabben

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ValleyGal, yes I am angry because I'm hurt and scared. I feel like he will never take care of me, never put me first, never love me as he loves himself. I know I would never be happy in that kind of dynamic. I'm angry that he doesn't care enough about me to put me first even though I am paying all the bills etc. Its like no matter what I do, nothing is good enough for him to be able to care about me emotionally. It hurts a lot, I dont want to be a breadwinner at all, Im happy to do all housework etc but not if I'm also the breadwinner

I was originally asking how to not get mad over little things and ignore the poisitve things he does. But the problem is that since I felt that way, he's become less and less caring and our marriage is no different to just before we split up.
where do you/he stand spiritually, would this be an issue that you both would accept and work toward a Biblical answer for, or would that be off the table?

Here is why I ask...from a biblical perspective, you husband needs to step up to the plate, in ways that few men understand. For a husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church is huge. So that would be a great start if he is open and determined to follow God's plan for his life. However, scripture also tells us that a wife can, through her Godly example, win over a non believing husband (we assume here, a non believing husband to be one that does not care to follow God's command in this matter). I Peter 3:1-6 is written for those women. (notice is says they don't believe the word, that is to say, as above mentioned, willing to follow God's command on this issue) Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Now, one quick note, many forget that Sarah, lied to Abraham, sinned against his household, and that an angel told Abraham to listen to Sarah because she was right in the matter. IOW's the traditional interpretations and assertions, are missing the point about Sarah and Abraham's marriage, don't get hung up on that. But what should you be focused on? purity, reverence, gentleness and quietness of spirit (that is, humility, confident rest, contentment, and meekness) I really really like what Thayer's Lexicon says about meekness as it applies here....Meekness toward God is that disposition of spirit in which we accept His dealings with us as good, and therefore without disputing or resisting. In the OT, the meek are those wholly relying on God rather than their own strength to defend against injustice. Thus, meekness toward evil people means knowing God is permitting the injuries they inflict, that He is using them to purify His elect, and that He will deliver His elect in His time (Isa 41:17, Luk 18:1-8). Gentleness or meekness is the opposite to self-assertiveness and self-interest. It stems from trust in God's goodness and control over the situation. The gentle person is not occupied with self at all. This is a work of the Holy Spirit, not of the human will (Gal 5:23).

May you find peace, rest, and joy in the midst of your sorrows.
 
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ValleyGal

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Observer, correct me if I'm wrong, but I would venture to say you feel insignificant and insecure.

If this is correct, then I can likely pinpoint the problem. I wonder....has your husband talked about his feelings at all? Can you tell me how he's feeling?

NM. I pulled this from your other thread:
I feel he doesn't care and neglects me. He feels the same way.

That answers my question. Usually when someone feels insignificant and insecure, it's because there is little care or consistency...the two components that make up commitment. You've been together for a long time, so you both seem fairly committed to being together, but that is not the same thing as being committed to each other.

When someone is cared for, the recipient of that care feels valued, significant, a sense of belonging. When someone is consistent in their marriage, the other will feel secure, knowing what to anticipate and when. The consistency must include caring - otherwise it would turn into consistent resentment, consistent nitpicking, consistent rudeness, consistent ignoring, etc. So commitment is a combination of the two.

In your marriage, it sounds like there is a low level of consistency to being together, but void of caring. It's leaving you both feeling insignificant.

Marriage is a bilateral covenant. That means you are both fully responsible for the condition of the marriage. There are conditions attached to the covenant. You spoke them in your vows. If those vows are broken and there is no reconciliation, the covenant is broken. But since it's bilateral, you're both responsible for reconciling. You made an effort when you separated and prayed and worked on yourself. Continue to do this. Work on yourself. As you work on yourself, one of the things you might focus on is boundaries...deciding for yourself how to let good in and keep bad out. This needs to be figured out for yourself and your marriage. Keeping the bad out is directly involved with how you are going to respond to some of his "bad" behaviour, like not keeping his word to clean while you are away at work. But keeping the bad out also has to do with your inner world, like keeping out your resentment. "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend is a great book to get an idea of what boundaries are and how to use them.
 
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