Houseguest is drowning our (young) marriage

[Kirae]

My husband and I have been married 15 months. For the last 6 months a friend of his has been living in our home (totally cost free) and causing major division - as well as providing his unwelcome critique on every part of our lives. We run a boarding house, so home is on the work site, and the criticism has gone as far as questioning how often we change our sheets and berating me for not cooking enough pasta to go with the meat and veges.

Some weeks ago I pleaded with my husband to remove this extra person from our home. I feel like our home and marriage are being violated by the presence of this third person who has so much 'advice' garnered from his permanent bachelorhood.

My question is this:
My husband told the friend he needed to leave 'by the end of the month' and gave a reason that I consider to be a lie. Today, with just over a week left until 'the end of the month', the friends tells us he has no intention of going anywhere unless our landlord gives a reason that suits him. Husband gave further reasons that I again believe to be lies. I have remained silent and not undermined his role - but would it be OK for me to speak with the friend and tell him that it is time for him to leave our home simply because we need the privacy back for the sake of our marriage?

 

[ValleyGal]

Is the friend's name on the lease you and your husband signed with the landlord> If not, then he can't go to the landlord. Ask him if living in that place is worth discarding the friendship. If the friendship is worth something to this person, he will move out. What was his reason for moving in in the first place> What were the circumstances around him moving in, how did it come about, and what was the conversation you all had at the time> I don't see why you couldn't talk to this person, but I would actually go and have the talk with your husband and him together, all three of you.

 

[Kirae]

He's not on the lease, he's a guest and has not been asked to contribute financially at all - he came to visit last November and was going to stay for a few days. The friendship is long gone - but hubby does not want to have a confrontation hence his choice to give reasons that do not touch on the real problem. I'm at the point where, if the guest's behavior continues then I just want to move out until he is gone. I am uncomfortable and on edge and I keep thinking "it's my home... I should not feel unwelcome here".

 

[LaSorcia]

You are perfectly reasonable to want privacy in your own home. Helping others is great, but this sounds like freeloading. Is this person disabled or something?

Many people try to avoid confrontation, and others sometimes take advantage of this. Perhaps writing a letter and giving it to this man might be an easier way to approach things? Less scary that way.

 

[DZoolander]

So basically your husband decided to try and avoid confrontation by telling him that the landlord wants him out (instead of it being you guys who want him out), and now it's biting you guys in the butt because he's saying "let the landlord serve me legally and give good cause"?

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Is this guy using your address as his mailing address? If so, you will have to legally evict him. Talk to your landlord. He'll probably help.

 

[Kirae]

We're in New Zealand - and his mail goes to an address an hour away.

Spoke with my husband after church today - he would rather that we (husband and myself) move out than have a confrontation with this person who is, at this point, basically squatting...and in New Zealand, 'squatting rights' don't exist.

EDIT: I have spoken with the landlord who says he will pay a visit to set the record straight and deal with the hard part of the conversation. LL is a Christian and understands why I am struggling with doing it myself and potentially undermining husband's headship of the home at the first opportunity he has had to exercise it.

 

[Lateralgal]

My husband and I have been married 15 months. For the last 6 months a friend of his has been living in our home (totally cost free) and causing major division - as well as providing his unwelcome critique on every part of our lives. We run a boarding house, so home is on the work site, and the criticism has gone as far as questioning how often we change our sheets and berating me for not cooking enough pasta to go with the meat and veges.

Some weeks ago I pleaded with my husband to remove this extra person from our home. I feel like our home and marriage are being violated by the presence of this third person who has so much 'advice' garnered from his permanent bachelorhood.

My question is this:
My husband told the friend he needed to leave 'by the end of the month' and gave a reason that I consider to be a lie. Today, with just over a week left until 'the end of the month', the friends tells us he has no intention of going anywhere unless our landlord gives a reason that suits him. Husband gave further reasons that I again believe to be lies. I have remained silent and not undermined his role - but would it be OK for me to speak with the friend and tell him that it is time for him to leave our home simply because we need the privacy back for the sake of our marriage?

 

[Lateralgal]

This 'friend' must leave when indicated as he is incompatible with the family. You need to put some basic rules in place so that intolerable behaviours will cause removal. They need to be written and agreed to before the client is accepted. Your marriage is more important than their rude behaviour, and your husband should be protecting you against the rudeness of clients. Respect is the ultimate requirement.

 

[Kirae]

So true. Our client rules document covers even the strangest things - it's amazing what some people think is OK simply because you haven't told them it isn't! Unfortunately, this man is a house guest and (former) friend of my husband, who was staying as a friend and not a client.

Last night following a painful conversation, husband told the guest to leave by Wednesday 5pm and that, all other things aside, the reasons for the instruction and deadline are personal. SO proud of him now, he hates confrontation but risked it to stand up for our marriage. As to whether the guest moves without Police encouragement, I suppose we shall have to wait until Wednesday at 5pm!

 

[DZoolander]

He needs to leave...of course.

But has your husband told him to leave - and that it's you guys that want him to? Or has it been something like "shucks man, this sucks, but our landlord says you gotta go. Wish it wasn't so"

If it's the latter - I can see why your couch surfer is attempting to stay.

?

 

[Mudinyeri]

If I understand the situation correctly:
1. You lease your current residence
2. Your run a boarding house (business) at your current residence
3. You have a boarder (husband's friend) who is not currently paying any boarding fees

A couple questions:
1. Does your lease allow you to run a boarding house business, i.e. is this an acceptable use per your lease terms?
2. If you are in compliance with your lease, what impact has the "friend" had on your customers?

A couple thoughts:
1. If you have a legally allowable business, give your "friend" a rental/boarding contract and an invoice at the end of the month.
2. If/when your "friend" fails to pay, give him notice to quit premises (or whatever the legal term is in New Zealand).

 

[Kirae]

Haha, I see this is confusing.
We manage a large property with multiple residences.

Several are tenanted, one by ourselves as a service tenancy.

One is a fully consented and registered boarding house.

The guest is in our residence. The boarding house is a short walk away.

Our residence is scheduled for renovation this year.

We wanted the guest to leave, so hubby hyperbolised the immediacy of the renovation. Guest told us we had 'no right' to tell him it was time to go and that he wanted to speak to the property owner. After two weeks he had not done so and was in no hurry to arrange it.

On Sunday night husband put aside his fear of conflict and told the guest (who had been ignoring our existence wherever possible for the past two weeks) that his behaviour has made this an urgent and personal issue and he is to leave by 5pm Wednesday. The guest made a noncommittal response.

However, the guest socialises with boarding house clients who have fed back that he does intend to leave on Wednesday (tomorrow).

He never at any point had any legal basis to assert his right of residence here, and our residence IS NOT a boarding house - being a separate building. So any attempt on our part to hand him a contract would break both the law and our tenancy agreement. We can have personal guests in our home but not paying ones.

 

[LinkH]

Are you familiar with the laws regarding evicting a guest. In the US, you still may have to follow the eviction process if he has been there a while, depending on the state. That could involve serving him notice or else appearing before a judge. If you know you can just kick him out, then that is simpler.

You could offer him a room at the boarding house if you have an empty one to get him out of the house. At least he'd have a place to stay and you wouldn't be putting him out on the street. Then you could charge him, of course.

 

[Autumnleaf]

When he goes to the store change the locks and put his stuff on the porch and don't answer when he knocks

 

[ImaginaryDay]

You could offer him a room at the boarding house if you have an empty one to get him out of the house. At least he'd have a place to stay and you wouldn't be putting him out on the street. Then you could charge him, of course.

Hypothetically, wouldn't this undermine the 'headship' of the husband who has given him until Wednesday to move out? (Not that I advocate the 'headship' pov, but just playing devil's advocate here). I think the OP has indicated that there are no tenancy rights for this friend as well. I also don't think it likely this friend would pay any type of boarding fee if he were to remain on the property in any way. Sometimes we create extreme situations for ourselves.

 

[mkgal1]

We don't even know what sort of boarding house this is. Maybe it's for young girls attending a school nearby. If it were an option....I'm sure Kirae and her husband would have already entertained that as a solution.

 

[Foamhead]

He's not on the lease, he's a guest and has not been asked to contribute financially at all - he came to visit last November and was going to stay for a few days. The friendship is long gone - but hubby does not want to have a confrontation hence his choice to give reasons that do not touch on the real problem. I'm at the point where, if the guest's behavior continues then I just want to move out until he is gone. I am uncomfortable and on edge and I keep thinking "it's my home... I should not feel unwelcome here".

Your fear of confrontation is making you both a slave to your guest. He is not your friend he is a mooch and both of you need to tell him to get out within 24 hours.

 

[LinkH]

Hypothetically, wouldn't this undermine the 'headship' of the husband who has given him until Wednesday to move out? (Not that I advocate the 'headship' pov, but just playing devil's advocate here). I think the OP has indicated that there are no tenancy rights for this friend as well. I also don't think it likely this friend would pay any type of boarding fee if he were to remain on the property in any way. Sometimes we create extreme situations for ourselves.

You can read the 'you' in my previous post as a plural. Her doing that alone without her husband being in agreement would be a bad idea no matter what your views on headship.