Homemaking tips for a new wife

[Alaina]

Hi everyone,
My name is Alaina, my husband Zach and I have been married for 44 days! We met when we were 16 and 19, respectively, and have been together for 5 years as of next month. Things with our relationship are pretty good, but there is one area that I am just having the most difficult time with...

I was attending college to become a teacher when I first started at my university, I ended up changing majors to nursing, and Zach seemed supportive; however, when I got my acceptance letter to the nursing program he was definitely not happy. He didn't say it outright, I had to ask him, but I could tell. When I asked why he wasn't happy, he told me that it was because he didn't want me working as a nurse when we have children, and he thinks I would become too wrapped up in my career. I've spent the last year and a half trying to come up with ways for me to get my degree, work as a nurse, and be the mother that I hope to someday become. I loved nursing school so much, but about a month ago I decided to withdraw with his support. I've found that is extremely difficult for me to go from being constantly busy with lectures, clinicals, careplans, skills lab, to being at home feeling like I'm doing nothing.

I don't resent him for wanting me to leave the program, I agree with him. What is the point in spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on a degree that I won't really use, or want to use when we have children because we want to homeschool? No point.

My biggest struggle now, since I'm not working, is homemaking. We are currently trying for a baby and I know that I need to get my homemaking skills down before I bring a little baby into our cramped one bedroom apartment. While I was in school I was so overwhelmed with schoolwork that dishes, laundry, and let alone vacuuming were the last things on my mind, and even though I am no longer working or in school I feel like I spend most of my days trying to get motivated to put away our clean dishes and scrub our toilet. I hate feeling this way, I know that I need to do it and I know that I'll feel better about it once I finally have a schedule down, but right now it just sucks. So my main point is to any of you wives who stay home and focus on your homemaking, what are your daily routines like? how do you find the motivation to get this stuff done on days you really just don't want to do it?

 

[All4Christ]

I don't fall into the stay at home wives category at this point, but I also have struggled with this.

First off, this is tough for some women no matter what. It isn't a problem isolated to stay at home wives.

It is extremely hard for me with a full time job to come home and try to be an organized clean wife on top of that. I have heard that becoming a mom gives that same type of feeling even if you are a stay at home mom. Honestly, I don't know how I'll handle to work full time, take care of a house AND be a mom eventually.

You are right that it is important to figure this out now before you have kids.

I recommend coming up with some kind of system to keep you on track. I use HomeRoutine with my iPhone. They also have an online version. This helps me get a snapshot of where I am with cleaning and housekeeping. You could do this with pen / paper, a spreadsheet or even a white board if you don't like using apps.

Know that this won't change overnight. It is a process, but you need to keep working on it. If you both choose to do this arrangement of you staying at home, you will need to expect to keep as busy as you would if you were working full time. This happens even more when you have kids. In my case, since my husband and I both work full time, he helps me out with this. I still do the majority though of household chores (which I do not enjoy at all!)

I've learned the hard way that there are certain areas that our husbands care most about. My husband for example hates stacks of papers and doesn't want anything left out on the counter at the end of the night. He also hates things at the foot of the stairs. If I keep up with his biggest pet peeves, he is much happier and much more supportive of me not being 100% clean at the moment. It also helps to continually make improvements. If you are getting better, but not 100%, it helps our spouses to see that we are trying.

I work extra hours 9 out of 10 work days every two weeks and have one day off that my husband is working. On that day, I have found that I am more motivated if I still set an alarm and get ready the same way I would if I was going to my job or school. If you get up to make breakfast for your husband, stay up and don't go back to sleep. Get started early and you may have some extra time after you are done.

The happiness of our marriage is a big motivation for me to get this done! It is a way for me to show him that I love him.

I know that I'm not in the category of those you are requesting help from, but I hope this helps a bit.

 

[Odetta]

I work almost full-time. But I too struggle with housework motivation. I just hate it. Since I work, too, my husband and I split duties - frankly we would split duties anyway, even if I wasn't working, because I pretty much do everything for the kids (doctor/dental/orthodontist/therapy appointments, school meetings, etc. We have special needs kids so there's a lot of that.) that he can't do because he works an hour away. So we balance it out with him having to do more things around the house. Not everything gets done, so we focus on the the main things that drive us crazy, and get to the rest "later". In our house, I do laundry, organizing, decluttering, picking up stuff. He does dishes. We both do the scrubbing stuff (dusting, vacuuming, baths).

I personally don't think husbands with a stay at home wife should get a free pass from doing anything around the house, especially when there are kids in the home. Raising kids (including homeschooling) takes a lot of time and effort. FYI, for new moms, any cleaning schedule tends to fly out the window for a time period anyway, so when the time comes, don't beat yourself up over it. Make sure your husband understands that.

If you do Pinterest at all, there are lots of pins about housekeeping and home organization, including checklists and schedules, etc. I have a number of them pinned to my board labeled "Cleaning (ha ha)". Also a long time ago, I did flylady.net on the internet for a while. It's a great program, but the bi-hourly emails she sends out were overwhelming for me, and inapplicable when I was at the office. It might work for you, though, in terms of motivation and keeping you on track because of her reminders.

Also, the less clutter and disorganization you have in your home, the easier it is to clean.

 

[All4Christ]

Just to clarify, I agree with Odetta about husbands not getting a free pass especially with kids in the home. From what I understand, raising kids is pretty much a full time job in and of itself. That said, until kids are in the picture, if you stay at home full time, I think it makes sense for the person staying at home to take the primary role of taking care of things around the house, no matter whether the person staying at home is a guy or girl. Once kids come into the picture, that will change things.

 

[Alaina]

Thank you both so much for your replies! I love these ideas and I will definitely look into them. I'm sure this will just take some getting used to, plus its even more difficult because my husband works nights so during the day, until about 2pm, I'm unable to run the dishwasher or vacuum because I don't want to wake him up. I feel so bad clanging dishes together or making a lot of noise because he doesn't get home from work until 7:30am! I think once he gets on day shift it'll be even easier, spending half the day knowing I want to vacuum or something but can't (he always tells me its okay to do what I need to do, but he is a pretty light sleeper and our apartment is pretty small). When he finally wakes up, I want to spend the three hours he's home with him, so around 5 is when I can actually start doing what I need to and by that point I'm feeling too lazy! ugh.

 

[All4Christ]

Thank you both so much for your replies! I love these ideas and I will definitely look into them. I'm sure this will just take some getting used to, plus its even more difficult because my husband works nights so during the day, until about 2pm, I'm unable to run the dishwasher or vacuum because I don't want to wake him up. I feel so bad clanging dishes together or making a lot of noise because he doesn't get home from work until 7:30am! I think once he gets on day shift it'll be even easier, spending half the day knowing I want to vacuum or something but can't (he always tells me its okay to do what I need to do, but he is a pretty light sleeper and our apartment is pretty small). When he finally wakes up, I want to spend the three hours he's home with him, so around 5 is when I can actually start doing what I need to and by that point I'm feeling too lazy! ugh.

I can see how that would make things harder! Would you be able to shift your schedule to match his more while he is working the night shift?

 

[Alaina]

I can see how that would make things harder! Would you be able to shift your schedule to match his more while he is working the night shift?

I can try to, its just so difficult. I usually stay up a little later when he's working so we aren't on such opposite schedules. We are hoping that he will be on days soon, he has worked nights for the past 2.5 years and its really taking its toll on him.

 

[All4Christ]

Yea, I can somewhat understand that. My husband is commuting 2+ hours each direction at least 3 times a week. Often he drives over 12 hours each week just for his commute. I am trying to adjust my schedule to getting up really early and ease his commute by getting breakfast, dinner, etc., but I am not a morning person! It has been a year as of October and I still have to force myself each morning [emoji846]

 

[Alaina]

I'm sure that's tough, but definitely appreciated by him

 

[ex-pat]

I'd add to the comments above that Flylady is great....And further add that there are lots of homemaking/cleaning things you can do *quietly*: dusting, for example, and writing out your menus, shopping lists, etc...filing, bill-paying, loading the dishwasher, and prepping food for dinner, as well as grocery shopping, bathroom cleaning, watering plants, ironing or other errands. (cooking aromas may wake your DH, or may not, so that part may vary.)

I completely understand, as my husband is a day sleeper two days a week as he works nights part of the week. We have a three story house, though, which makes a difference (and when we finish off the basement this year it will be an even bigger difference). My husband tells me that generally men can sleep through anything that qualifies as a "normal" or "happy" noise...as in, the sound of a dishwasher being run...not so much a vacuum cleaner because of the unexpected sounds it can make..it causes mental anxiety (what did the vacuum cleaner just eat???) and wakes him up. He can handle happy toddler noises...running and laughing, but crying wakes him up. I have to be careful about phone calls during that time as that wakes him up, because it's me talking...so, your husband may be 100% spot on telling you it's OK to run the dishwasher, even if he's a light sleeper.

It's a trial and error thing, but if you can do the decluttering and dusting and laundry while he sleeps or just after (as in, when he wakes up and showers, toss in a load of laundry, then dry and fold it after 5 when he leaves), then really all you'd have to do after he leaves is to vacuum, and clean the bedroom or ensuite bath (other bathrooms can be cleaned quietly while DH sleeps.)

If you have crockpot you can prep dinner before he gets home at 7:30 and let it simmer during the day, so you have even more afternoon time with your DH after he wakes up.

My biggest issue with my own homemaking plans is feeling overwhelmed by the IDEA of something that sounds out of the ordinary...for instance, taking down window screens and washing them. The first time I did that I dreaded, dreaded, and procrastinated...and finally decided to bite the bullet and wash them. Total time to wash the screens? Five minutes. All that guilt and procrastination for five minutes???? Sometimes it's good just to find your most disagreeable task and do it...the emotional drag can be so much worse than the actual task. (One of the reasons I love flylady is her "You can do anything for 15 minutes" approach to things...plus her Flylady Bingo on Wednesday...her "Anti-Procrastination Day".

 

[All4Christ]

I'll check out FlyLady as well...sounds like a resource I could really use!

 

[Alaina]

I'd add to the comments above that Flylady is great....And further add that there are lots of homemaking/cleaning things you can do *quietly*: dusting, for example, and writing out your menus, shopping lists, etc...filing, bill-paying, loading the dishwasher, and prepping food for dinner, as well as grocery shopping, bathroom cleaning, watering plants, ironing or other errands. (cooking aromas may wake your DH, or may not, so that part may vary.)

Its such culture shock to have a home of my own to take care of, dusting literally never even came to mind. I feel like this is just all so overwhelming that, that may be why I'm having such a difficult time. I don't think I have ever even seen my mother dust anything except the fan! I went out and bought a duster today and dusted our entire apartment. The cat loves it! I signed up for FlyLady so I'm hoping this helps too!

 

[heliumskylark]

I've found a bullet journal useful, for other things too, but also for housekeeping tasks. If you don't want to go down the whole bullet journal route, this aspect could also be achieved by writing out a to-do list the night before and sticking to it the following day.
Put a little self-care on your to-do lists too; it's easier to feel motivated to do chores if you know you have a treat waiting for you at the end of the day, or if you've already treated yourself to something that morning. (By 'treat' I don't mean food, necessarily, I mean anything that you enjoy - a bath, a jog, coffee with a friend, a phone call to your mom...)
Music also makes a big difference to how enjoyable a task is That might not be practical while your husband's asleep, or you could use headphones.
The only other thing I'd say is not to be too hard on yourself. It is difficult to get into the routine of homemaking if you haven't done it before, and it takes a little while to figure out your own ways of working, your priorities etc. You'll get there

 

[Thunder Peel]

You could always wait for a few years before having kids. You could get your degree and work, as well as save up money, then have children a little later. Just a thought but you have to do what's best for the both of you.

 

[Lulav]

Thank you both so much for your replies! I love these ideas and I will definitely look into them. I'm sure this will just take some getting used to, plus its even more difficult because my husband works nights so during the day, until about 2pm, I'm unable to run the dishwasher or vacuum because I don't want to wake him up. I feel so bad clanging dishes together or making a lot of noise because he doesn't get home from work until 7:30am! I think once he gets on day shift it'll be even easier, spending half the day knowing I want to vacuum or something but can't (he always tells me its okay to do what I need to do, but he is a pretty light sleeper and our apartment is pretty small). When he finally wakes up, I want to spend the three hours he's home with him, so around 5 is when I can actually start doing what I need to and by that point I'm feeling too lazy! ugh.

I would rather be doing more fun things too so I made this little game for myself. When you go into a room, do 10 things while there.

For example if you go into the kitchen for a cup of coffee, but away the clean dishes, wipe down the stove, remove something funky from the refridgerator, clean up the crumbs around the toaster, you get the idea.

I also use this to keep things in their places. When you go into a room for something take and put away something from another room. While there, put away 10 things.

It turns it into something more fun to look for something to 'meet your quota'. If you do this all the time your place will stay tidy and clean.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I know quite a few nurses who have balanced nursing and motherhood quite well. One friend worked as a floater one night a week. Another worked ICU overnight 2 nights a week and when her kids grew up she ended up as the head of the day surgery PACU unit. I do not agree with having no marketable skills as a wife. What happens if your husband is killed in a car accident? What happens in 10 years when he decides to up and split. Always have a skill in your back pocket.

 

[coloradoguy]

I'm a guy who works 60-70 hours a week, and my wife works full time as well, but I am also a newlywed.


My wife and I were in a similar situation this time last year. We had just married, fresh out of college, and quite literally had no idea what we were doing. What we found out that worked in college, "do it when you have time" doesn't actually work when you graduate as you can just still find as many excuses to not take care of things at home (it also doesn't help we're both kind of messy people). It also doesn't help we both came from busy homes with working mothers, and so we did what our familes did of this, for lack of a better term, progressive cleaning. For example, after we eat dinner, the entire kitchen is cleaned (it also helps to have dogs clean up crumbs on the floor), and the dishwasher is loaded, pots/pans that don't are washed and put back up. When we go to bed at night, we clean up any clothes that didn't make our hamper and the general idea of what you're taught as a kid "leave it better than you found it." Junk mail is immediately thrown away (if it makes it back to the apartment). I'm not saying we break out the 409 every day, but just a quick couple second wipe down or decluttering. When it's time to do the more deep cleaning things, it only takes maybe 5 minutes to clean the bathroom, which does also help knowing it's not going to take very long. It takes a while to find your flow and how you get things done, for us, it took a good six months to get a hand on the whole "homemaking" thing, and we're far from experts on it.

 

[HannahT]

I'm a very social person, and I like to get involved. I've worked at school when they kids were little, helped with the anti drug programs, helped at the homeless shelter, did the website for church...the list goes ON! When the kids came along? They came with me. It has its perks believe me! My son had his favorite! We have a local festive each year, and I help them - just not on festive days. Occasionally I do, but I do more behind the scenes stuff. (Personally, it was fun to do the beer tent! People watching is a WOOT!) He loves the fact he can get a FREE Carnival wrist band for the rides, and gets to sit back stage with the musicians. What I like is I know what is going on in our community, and I feel plugged in.

My kids are adults now, and the last couple of years has been caregiving for family members. I love them, and I wouldn't do anything else...but I at times I feel withdrawn from being active in other ways. We recently decided on a retirement spot, and purchased some land. We visited the local chamber of commerce to get MORE ideas about the area, and my H asked them UPFRONT and almost immediately...lol what I can get involved with. She thrives on that stuff!

My husband has some health issues, and in the past I had to help because he truly wasn't able. I ran a at home business for over 15 years, and home life did take the priority. Sure, at times that did change for emergencies but that came with the territory. It can't be helped, and thankfully my husband was mature enough NOT to give me attitude about it. Life happens, and you have to roll with the punches.

Get out while he is sleeping instead of tip toeing around! Find something to do! Get home right before he wakes up. Turn off the home phone, and let the voice mail pick it up! Also remember - I agree with the others - homemaking isn't just on you. When children come? He is going to have to help more, and with less sleep too. That part is just a given!

 

[heliumskylark]

I know quite a few nurses who have balanced nursing and motherhood quite well. One friend worked as a floater one night a week. Another worked ICU overnight 2 nights a week and when her kids grew up she ended up as the head of the day surgery PACU unit. I do not agree with having no marketable skills as a wife. What happens if your husband is killed in a car accident? What happens in 10 years when he decides to up and split. Always have a skill in your back pocket.

I think this is sound advice in general, but it would be very difficult if the OP wants to homeschool. Balancing shift work with family life is possible, but it's really hard, and if you add homeschooling into the mix it'd be even harder. I'd also say that studying a health related degree can be more difficult - in terms of time management - than being employed in that field. At least in the UK, nursing students have to work 20-40 hours a week in the hospital / clinic (including night and weekend shifts) as well as attending classes, doing independent study, and completing assignments. Speaking from experience, it's virtually impossible to have a family or any kind of life while you're studying.

 

[All4Christ]

Speaking from experience, it's virtually impossible to have a family or any kind of life while you're studying.

I agree that this makes it extremely difficult to manage life, though not impossible. I have half of a masters degree, but stopped when I was approaching our wedding. I planned to restart after we got married, but the amount of time needed to manage a household, cook dinner, clean, do finances, etc takes up the vast majority of my free time. When I'm in school, it is about 25-30 hours extra (if not more) per week dedicated to studying (plus the actual class). It is hard to balance work, school, and home. I'm not sure if I will go back or just be thankful for the knowledge and stop where I am with my education.