His inappropriate content Addiction is driving me crazy

[Edmond Smith]

That's very pacifist of you. It's also incorrect and an excuse for inactivity.

If you asked me to build you a house, but you stood by and did nothing but watch me build it, I'm not actually helping you. I'm doing it for you. God doesn't work that way, but many Christians misuse the sentiment that God will provide according to His will and in His timing. They expect God to do everything Himself.

"God helps those who help themselves" - Algernon Sydney

This goes both ways, both for Wifey and her husband. God isn't her homie. He's not going to go beat him over the head until he conforms. Wifey needs to take action rather than giving away all her power and look inside to see what action she needs to take for herself. I pointed out some of those (rather obvious) things to help her.

So, you need to be in the activity of effecting change. The only person you can change is yourself. In Shamanism they say that you cannot "cocreate in someone else's sacred space". What that is referring to is that you each have your own way and your own will, your own essence and your own sacred space. You cannot force your will onto someone else. She needs to effect the changes necessary to be a loving, supporting wife to her husband and allow him to go through his process and learn the lessons that his soul came here to learn. She has no RIGHT to be interfering and trying to manipulate and control that. Her rights end where his begin. If she can't do that, the only option she has to remove herself from the situation until she can. To do otherwise is to be abusive.

You are making stuff up and misusing/misinterpreting the Sacred Law to suit your own ego and pacifism. That's a deadly combination. I encourage you to take a look at that.

Okay,

We aren't in Control.
Yes, we have to do work and such. We have to and will do things. But we aren't in Control. You don't know what's going to happen to you in the next few hours, much less few minutes. God does.
We're not even in control of the situations that we are in, anything that can happen, either will or won't. But God knows.
I agree, many Christians misuse the sentiment will provide according to His will.

In this case, it isn't misuse. It is the case. It's God's will that this man be saved. It's God's will that they place their faith in Christ. It's God's will that we who claim to be Born Again, to proclaim the gospel.


God helps those who think only they can help themselves

I agree we are to seek out our own salvation. Meaning that we should study God's word and that we should put our trust in Him, knowing that He will help with and or completely change us. Which he does. With the renewing of our minds, that is done through the Holy Spirit, studying His Word, and again placing our trust in Jesus.

Yes, we do have to apply some action. Never said she didn't. Common sense dictates that.
We have to pray...action...trust...action...believe...action give it to God....action. They're all actions that we have to do.
Those are all things that we do. God does the changing.

Remember the Apostles..yeah not shaman's...When Christ was crucified they were scared to death, they thought they were next. They were in hiding, in fear and shame when Christ appeared before them and it was Him who changed them. Not themselves. So much so they shook the world spreading the Gospel. They didn't rely on themselves to believe that Christ rose from the dead...they relied on Him and the testimony He had of the Father and what the Father could do.

You are making stuff up and misusing/misinterpreting the Sacred Law to suit your own ego and pacifism.

Please show me where?

Pacifistic....LOL...you crack me up. If you only knew...but God does. and He has thankfully and mercifully forgave me.

But to sum up what you just said.

Do it yourself, don't rely on God doing it all. You have to do your part.
Would like to see the scripture to back this up.

What does the Bible say?
2Co 1:9

But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead:

Psa 9:10

And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.

Psa 20:7

Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.
(This one suits to what your saying....Some put there trust in what they can do, see, hear and touch...others' remember the name of the LORD.)

Psa 37:5

Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
(Who should be In control?....COMMIT)

 

[genestealerbroodlord]

As a inappropriate content addict myself, I feel for you both.

We say that we will give it up and when we say it, we really do mean it, but an addict will always be an addict to whatever their addiction is. Sorry, but that's the truth.

I have gone years without using it, but the smallest thing can set it off and you're back in the pit trying to climb your way out yet again. inappropriate content removes your ability to be intimate with others. It also makes it harder to distinguish right from wrong when dealing with sexual matters.

The best advice I can give you is keep initiating sex with him, but also make hugs and kisses a big part of your lives. Sex without love isn't a good idea. You have to change his perception of what sex is and make him see that inappropriate content is selfish. That sex without love is ultimately unfulfilling and empty. Love and sex go hand in hand. Help him see that and you will make progress, but it will never go away completely. Once you get him away from it, be aware that it may come back with a vengeance, but instead of getting angry with him, understand that it's an illness. That's not an excuse though and don't let him use it as one. It's simply your way of accepting he fell down that pit again and that you have to go get the ladder to help him out yet again.

Also talk to him about it. Find out how it started, where and when he first got hooked and what support you can give him. Don't be judgemental, just remember that this is one tiny flaw about the man you obviously thought was wonderful enough to fall in love with and wished to marry. I really do wish you both all the luck in the world.

 

[farout]

As a inappropriate content addict myself, I feel for you both.

We say that we will give it up and when we say it, we really do mean it, but an addict will always be an addict to whatever their addiction is. Sorry, but that's the truth.

I have gone years without using it, but the smallest thing can set it off and you're back in the pit trying to climb your way out yet again. inappropriate content removes your ability to be intimate with others. It also makes it harder to distinguish right from wrong when dealing with sexual matters.

The best advice I can give you is keep initiating sex with him, but also make hugs and kisses a big part of your lives. Sex without love isn't a good idea. You have to change his perception of what sex is and make him see that inappropriate content is selfish. That sex without love is ultimately unfulfilling and empty. Love and sex go hand in hand. Help him see that and you will make progress, but it will never go away completely. Once you get him away from it, be aware that it may come back with a vengeance, but instead of getting angry with him, understand that it's an illness. That's not an excuse though and don't let him use it as one. It's simply your way of accepting he fell down that pit again and that you have to go get the ladder to help him out yet again.

Also talk to him about it. Find out how it started, where and when he first got hooked and what support you can give him. Don't be judgemental, just remember that this is one tiny flaw about the man you obviously thought was wonderful enough to fall in love with and wished to marry. I really do wish you both all the luck in the world.

I appreciate your honest confession, Often people do not get to hear from someone who is struggling so hard.

Would you be willing to share a few more things? I have a Pastoral / Counseling background. How old were when you were exposed to inappropriate content? Have you ever been to a Every Mans Battle conference or professional Christian Counseling? I am not selling or trying to suggest anything just honestly wanting to hear you. thank you for considering my request.

 

[coloradoguy]

How old were when you were exposed to inappropriate content?

I think the first time I was ever exposed to true inappropriate contentography was at age 17. I actually lost my virginity before I started looking at inappropriate content.

Have you ever been to a Every Mans Battle conference

Nope, I have heard of the book. I didn't know there were conferences about the book.

or professional Christian Counseling?

It wasn't Christian Counseling, but he was Christian. I was in counseling for four years.

 

[farout]

I think the first time I was ever exposed to true inappropriate contentography was at age 17. I actually lost my virginity before I started looking at inappropriate content.


Nope, I have heard of the book. I didn't know there were conferences about the book.


It wasn't Christian Counseling, but he was Christian. I was in counseling for four years.

Thank you vey much. Are you a Christian? Is there anything else you would like to say, about anything?

 

[coloradoguy]

Thank you vey much. Are you a Christian? Is there anything else you would like to say, about anything?

I am a Christian. That's pretty much it I guess, unless you have more questions.

 

[farout]

I am a Christian. That's pretty much it I guess, unless you have more questions.

I will pray for you as soon as I finish this, I promise. However I do think it might be worth buying the book and seeing about going to their conferences. I have heard that this is a great help to many. I personally do not know of a man who went there. But I have heard men talk and report how this has helped then overcome this problem. Men report this has helped them. I have given the book out twice to couples and one man did not read it yet and the other I have not heard from. I believe with God all things are possible, and no one is exempt form thinking they have no problem.

I do everything I can to avoid even the slightest exposure to even soft inappropriate content. My wife has total permission to change the TV when anything is suggestive. She changes it often too. I will not go to R rated movies, or even some PG 13. I will not counsel a woman by myself, I do not go with a woman alone anywhere. I took Billy Graham's way of keep ing alert to satans attack. This has not been easy, as everywhere sex is used to sell everything. . I think you might agree if a man wants to be free, it takes constant diligence, and a willingness to be held accountable.

I will pra for you now, God bless.

 

[coloradoguy]

I will pray for you as soon as I finish this, I promise. However I do think it might be worth buying the book and seeing about going to their conferences. I have heard that this is a great help to many. I personally do not know of a man who went there. But I have heard men talk and report how this has helped then overcome this problem. Men report this has helped them. I have given the book out twice to couples and one man did not read it yet and the other I have not heard from. I believe with God all things are possible, and no one is exempt form thinking they have no problem.

I do everything I can to avoid even the slightest exposure to even soft inappropriate content. My wife has total permission to change the TV when anything is suggestive. She changes it often too. I will not go to R rated movies, or even some PG 13. I will not counsel a woman by myself, I do not go with a woman alone anywhere. I took Billy Graham's way of keep ing alert to satans attack. This has not been easy, as everywhere sex is used to sell everything. . I think you might agree if a man wants to be free, it takes constant diligence, and a willingness to be held accountable.

I will pra for you now, God bless.

You don't really need to pray for me. I haven't look at inappropriate content since I well before I got married, and don't really plan on starting again any time soon. My issue was with loneliness more than pleasure, and believe me when I say that my wife has fixed the problem.

 

[genestealerbroodlord]

I appreciate your honest confession, Often people do not get to hear from someone who is struggling so hard.

Would you be willing to share a few more things? I have a Pastoral / Counseling background. How old were when you were exposed to inappropriate content? Have you ever been to a Every Mans Battle conference or professional Christian Counseling? I am not selling or trying to suggest anything just honestly wanting to hear you. thank you for considering my request.

I was exposed very young. My dad had some magazines under his bed. First exposed? Around 7 or 8 years old. Found the mags around 11 years old. Then went to an uncles house and he had a closet in his kitchen full of mags and videos. He basically opened the door and let me look at as much as I wanted. The first inappropriate content movie I properly watched was at his. He and his wife were in the room while it was on and thought it was funny to watch how uncomfortable I was. I was around 14 years old then. I was 16 years old when the addiction itself started. I used to rent softcore movies from a Muslim store owner, who like my uncle, thought it was all very amusing. It was one of these movies that hit me. While watching it, my entire body began to shake with excitement and fear. To borrow a term from drug addicts, I have been chasing the dragon ever since.

I've never been to counciling. inappropriate content addiction is not really something people believe is real over here. You're just a dirty pervert who needs to get over yourself. I don't have money for private counciling and even if I did, it wouldn't be taken seriously. I have other mental health problems, so have tried many times to get professional help with my inappropriate content addiction, while trying to get help for my other mental health problem. Mental health in general is considered by many here as just an excuse to be lazy or to not take responsibility for your actions. Most of what I understand about inappropriate content addiction is from research I've done myself online, which in the current climate is very dangerous to do.

Christian churches here don't really do Christian counseling. Christianity is dying a very slow death here and most churches probably couldn't afford to do it, even if they thought it would be a good idea.

I'm pretty open about this stuff, so glad to answer your question. The best thing any addict can do is be completely honest about their addiction, as addiction is like any evil thing. It doesn't like the light.

 

[SirKenin]

Okay,

We aren't in Control.

Ok. We're getting there. We are in control in my context. We are in control of our behaviors, our thoughts and our actions. The only thing we're NOT in control of is anyone else's behaviors, thoughts or actions and we are not in control of the outcomes.

Here's an example of mine that I see that really ticks me off:

Someone is driving down the highway in the fast lane. Someone ahead of them is driving in the lane as well. There's no one in the slow lane. After following the driver for a couple of miles they refuse to pull over so the driver behind indicates by flashing the headlights and pulling up close indicating the intention to pass. Instead of pulling over the driver hits the brakes and points to the other lane. Now the driver in the rear is mad. They follow the driver off the exit, stop at the lights, jump out of the car and punch the first driver in the head. The first driver calls the police crying foul and the report says they're a victim of road rage.

So, what's wrong with this picture? Several things, ultimately resulting in the "victim" getting exactly the results they were looking for, being able to scream that they're an innocent victim....except they're not a victim at all., they got exactly what they wanted.

The driver in the rear was speeding.
The driver in the rear was following too close
The driver in front was breaking the law by failing to switch to the slow lane
The driver in front was pseudo aggressive
The driver in front broke the law by driving carelessly when hitting the brakes.
The speeding driver committed an assault
The driver got the reaction they wanted to satisfy their masochistic desire

What could have happened?

The driver in the rear could have left themselves more time to get to their destination
The driver in the rear could not have been pseudo aggressive
The driver in the rear could not have been attached to a certain outcome
The driver in the front could have pulled into the right lane.
The driver in the front could have not made dangerous, pseudo aggressive maneuvers
The driver in the front could have been courteous and polite
The driver in the front could have not tried to control the behaviors of the driver behind him.

And then nobody would be punched in the head.

This situation plays out allegorically in relationships all the time. So regardless of what you think, you are in complete control of yourself, your actions and your behaviors. You are the only one in control of them, though you're not in control of the outcome. What's more, you can't control anyone else's thoughts, actions or behaviours. When you do, you might just get punched in the head. Your rights END where the next person's rights BEGIN.

You are never an innocent victim of circumstance and you are never "not" in control of your present. That's a pacifist, fatalist, irresponsible and unaccountable approach and it's anti-Biblical. The only thing you're not in control of is the outcome, which is why you may sometimes hear me say that "you cannot get attached to the outcome".

So when I point it out in the forums it's because to me, after having done all the work and research around it, it's absurdly obvious.

 

[Wifey44]

Thank you everyone for your prayers and advice.
I decided to lay down some boundaries that are non-negotiable. I really hate doing that, I feel like taking charge is a husbands responsibility but I feel forced to do something in this instance. My marriage is a top priority and I'm going to do whatever it takes to protect it.
After a lot of discussion he finally agreed that he would get help. I want him to find a confrence or counselor he will agree to go to, but he hasnt seemed to want to get involved. I guess im just going to have to look for one myself.
My husband has been very cold twards me since I confronted him. No anger from him, just the cold shoulder. Its tearing me apart because I know this is hard for him but he is my rock and I want to be able to lean on him. I cant tell any of my family or friends whats happening so I have nobody to confide in.
I just hope we start to see some progress soon. I love him and I cant stand to see him defile his heart like that..

 

[SirKenin]

Thank you everyone for your prayers and advice.
I decided to lay down some boundaries that are non-negotiable. I really hate doing that, I feel like taking charge is a husbands responsibility but I feel forced to do something in this instance. My marriage is a top priority and I'm going to do whatever it takes to protect it.
After a lot of discussion he finally agreed that he would get help. I want him to find a confrence or counselor he will agree to go to, but he hasnt seemed to want to get involved. I guess im just going to have to look for one myself.
My husband has been very cold twards me since I confronted him. No anger from him, just the cold shoulder. Its tearing me apart because I know this is hard for him but he is my rock and I want to be able to lean on him. I cant tell any of my family or friends whats happening so I have nobody to confide in.
I just hope we start to see some progress soon. I love him and I cant stand to see him defile his heart like that..

Keep us posted and let us know how you make out. You won't find sincerity in brow-beaten concession so I pray that his soul speaks to him when he makes that first step. I pray that by some miracle the end will justify the means.

 

[Edmond Smith]

Thank you everyone for your prayers and advice.
I decided to lay down some boundaries that are non-negotiable. I really hate doing that, I feel like taking charge is a husbands responsibility but I feel forced to do something in this instance. My marriage is a top priority and I'm going to do whatever it takes to protect it.
After a lot of discussion he finally agreed that he would get help. I want him to find a confrence or counselor he will agree to go to, but he hasnt seemed to want to get involved. I guess im just going to have to look for one myself.
My husband has been very cold twards me since I confronted him. No anger from him, just the cold shoulder. Its tearing me apart because I know this is hard for him but he is my rock and I want to be able to lean on him. I cant tell any of my family or friends whats happening so I have nobody to confide in.
I just hope we start to see some progress soon. I love him and I cant stand to see him defile his heart like that..

Wife44,
God Bless, I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

[Dave-W]

Thank you everyone for your prayers and advice.
I decided to lay down some boundaries that are non-negotiable. I really hate doing that, I feel like taking charge is a husbands responsibility but I feel forced to do something in this instance. My marriage is a top priority and I'm going to do whatever it takes to protect it.
After a lot of discussion he finally agreed that he would get help. I want him to find a confrence or counselor he will agree to go to, but he hasnt seemed to want to get involved. I guess im just going to have to look for one myself.
My husband has been very cold twards me since I confronted him. No anger from him, just the cold shoulder. Its tearing me apart because I know this is hard for him but he is my rock and I want to be able to lean on him. I cant tell any of my family or friends whats happening so I have nobody to confide in.
I just hope we start to see some progress soon. I love him and I cant stand to see him defile his heart like that..

Sounds like a good path. I pray that it works out.

I heard a past pastor once say to a group of men that inappropriate content was not a problem; it was a solution. (we all looked dumbfounded) He said if it is treated as a problem, then you can never overcome it because you are not dealing with the ACTUAL problem.

Yes, inappropriate content is sinful and very injurious. But he is using it as a solution (albeit a POOR solution) to fix that other problem. Pray and seek God together to find what that underlying problem is. Fix that and he will be that much closer to fixing the inappropriate content situation.

 

[CCHIPSS]

You need to tell him point blank you get help and never use inappropriate content again or we are done!

Nothing personal but this is the worst advice you can give to her. It is madness to say that "Unless you stop watching inappropriate content I will divorce you", which is pretty much what you told her to say.

Christians work to resolve problems, instead of running away. Christians love sinners just as they are, instead of withholding love until the sin stops. Why? Because Jesus never ran away from our problems. Jesus loved us just as we are.

Christians never stop loving sinners even if these sinners never stops sinning.

I am certain you have sins in your life too. I don't know what they are but Jesus does. Can you imagine Jesus running away from you? Can you imaging Jesus telling you that he cannot love you until you stop sinning? How would you feel?

Now I am all for helping her husband out of love and slowly restore him and help him out of his addiction. But threatening divorce is not just wrong, it is sinful.

Before you get pregnant by him, stop having any sexual contact with him until he gets help and is free od inappropriate content.

Once again you are asking her to sin. Spouses and commended to have sex with each other. It is a sin to withhold sex from your spouse, unless it was mutually agreed for a short term. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

If your spouse is a sinner and cannot stop sinning, you are still commended by God to continue to have sex with your spouse.

Even back in the 1st century spouses would use the withholding of sex as a weapon to get what they wanted. This has nothing to do with the spouse's sin or misdoings. This is just sinners leveraging sex for their own personal gains. This is no better than sleeping with your boss to get a promotion.

Sex is about coming together with your spouse in the most intimate way possible. Sex must never be used as a weapon. That's why it is always a sin to withhold sex from your spouse.

If a sinless life is what is required to have sex, then only Jesus would ever get laid. And this would be madness.

 

[GraceDriven]

Nothing personal but this is the worst advice you can give to her. It is madness to say that "Unless you stop watching inappropriate content I will divorce you", which is pretty much what you told her to say.

So she should allow him to watch inappropriate content even though there is someone on that other side of the screen who is destroying their lives. So she is sinning but he is not?

As for not withholding sex and the rest of your post, even if submits to him every time he wants....it still would not be as interesting as the inappropriate content he is looking at. Different skin colors, different shapes, different acts, lesbian/gay acts, transsexual acts -yes...., group acts....... And every time something goes wrong, he will go back to it.

I have a saying and that saying "it is what it is."

 

[GraceDriven]

Also, to OP writer: I have come to a conclusion that the internet is not a good place to seek out advice. And I have thought about reporting a few people on here because, unless they are licensed, they should not be giving out the type of advice they are giving out and if they are licensed than they should bluntly upfront state that they are. And as for Christian advice, there are all kinds of interpretation of scripture.

 

[Shodan]

I'm not licensed or anything, so take this FWIW.

Have you considered posing for some pictures for your husband? I assume you don't have any issue with having him look at you. Obviously he would need to keep the pictures, or videos, or whatever, in an absolutely secure place, and not share them with anybody.

That might make it feel like the burden is 100% on him and that you are trying to blame him for it all, and show that you want to help him and keep him happy.

I don't mean to offend you, so apologies if it comes across that way.

Regards,
Shodan

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I'm not licensed or anything, so take this FWIW.

Have you considered posing for some pictures for your husband? I assume you don't have any issue with having him look at you. Obviously he would need to keep the pictures, or videos, or whatever, in an absolutely secure place, and not share them with anybody.

That might make it feel like the burden is 100% on him and that you are trying to blame him for it all, and show that you want to help him and keep him happy.

I don't mean to offend you, so apologies if it comes across that way.

Regards,
Shodan

I know people who have done that. Take pics or videos of themselves for their spouse who looks at inappropriate content. So when they feel the need to look, they are at least looking at their spouse. And then may just come to them for intimacy. I don't know the stats on how well it works but anythings worth a shot. After all most anything is permissible in a marriage.

 

[CCHIPSS]

So she should allow him to watch inappropriate content even though there is someone on that other side of the screen who is destroying their lives. So she is sinning but he is not?

As for not withholding sex and the rest of your post, even if submits to him every time he wants....it still would not be as interesting as the inappropriate content he is looking at. Different skin colors, different shapes, different acts, lesbian/gay acts, transsexual acts -yes...., group acts....... And every time something goes wrong, he will go back to it.

I have a saying and that saying "it is what it is."

She should definitely encourage him to stop watching inappropriate content. And if needed she can get their small group involved.

However divorce over inappropriate content is wrong. We Christians forgive each other and gently help each other away from their addictions. We should not excommunicate each other when we find out about each other's sins. A divorce is the ultimate form of excommunication.

Did Jesus excommunicated you when you sinned? Is a sinless life a requirement when we enter marriage? Nope! So why are some of you even considering a divorce over inappropriate content?

Even if our spouse goes as far as cheated on us, we are asked to forgive them if at all possible. (Hosea 3). While it is not a sin to divorce a cheating spouse, a divorce is never God's will because God hates divorce of all kinds.

And withholding sex to get what she want (even if it is to stop the spouse from watching inappropriate content) is a sin.