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help! my husband lives a double life...

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by evemck, Oct 21, 2009.

  1. evemck

    evemck New Member

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    my husband and i have been married for three years. we were/are a ministry couple. in front of others he is the 'perfect christian', a man who beat drugs, the drink, and a mannor of other horrible things. for the past year and 1/2 he has been drinking and doing drugs again. he uses my money and if i object he thows a 'fit'. i need help i dont know what to do anymore. i know this is going out to strangers but i dont trust anyone i know. thank you.
     
    Revived likes this.
  2. Johnnz

    Johnnz Senior Veteran

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    Not a nice situation. He should not be in ministry. he needs a lot more time to mature and work through a lot of issues before he ever gets back into any kind of public activity.

    You need to approach someone in authority - elders, denominational leader - and tell them what is happening. And don't accept any waffling from them about overlooking what is happening. He cannot give to others what he has not grown into himself.

    John
    NZ
     
  3. Mr.Cheese

    Mr.Cheese Legend

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    .
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2009
  4. heron

    heron Legend

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    So sorry you are going through this!
    If you don't find ways to address it now, it will get worse, to the point that you have no money to do anything.

    I would start by going for counseling at a different church, so gossip doesn't fly before you can control it. Don't tell them where you're from. Better yet, pay for a Christian counselor that is not attached to any church. They might have ideas for how people handle the practical aspects of this.

    You might consider going to live somewhere else temporarily, so he gets the hint. You might have family in town, or find someone who needs a house sitter, or look into a women's shelter. The huge shift in location is an inconvenience to you, but nothing compared to what you might need to deal with for possession charges, stolen items, dwi charges, etc.

    He can change, but he seems to be in a position where he has no interest in changing. He is imposing his whims on your life, and it will get worse. A little drinking is not a problem, but using your money and intimidating you certainly is a problem.
     
  5. heron

    heron Legend

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    Some ideas of resources:

    * Denominational family services (Catholic, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Salvation Army). This takes it out of the local church level and into hands of people who don't know you.

    * Shelter for Battered Women -- even if you're not physically harmed, they might have ideas.

    * Social Services -- although files might go on record

    * Employer-supported counseling -- this is supposed to be confidential, but you never know if things leak out.

    * Al-anon meetings. People rave about how helpful they have been, and you don't need to talk about who you are.
     
  6. Revived

    Revived Love is the final fight.

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    Hi,

    I'm so sorry to hear this but please know there is hope. Please take a moment to view these two videos. They may offer some valuable insight that you haven't considered...

    YouTube - Marriage Today, Jimmy Evans - Destructive Behavior
    YouTube - Marriage Today, Jimmy Evans - Constructive Separation


    Dear Heavenly Father,

    Please be the refuge and Guardian for this family and all who suffer from abuse and destructive behaviors. Give them a vision for their future and enable them to understand how great it is. Father please comfort them, heal the brokenness and revive the spirits of all who endure this sin. Make us one with You in Your love as we deepen our respect for the dignity of every human life.

    Giver of strength, courage and peace, pour Your Spirit upon us all to become all You've created us to be.

    In Jesus' name...
     
  7. RoyWM

    RoyWM Mature Christian

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    Evemck,

    I believe you are getting excellent advice from the people on this forum.

    I would add to theirs only this. Get out now! Go live somewhere else and cut off his access to your money.

    Of course tell him why you are leaving and give him the ultimatum. "Get help and counseling to be the Christian man you are supposed to be".

    Its a choice he has to make between his destructive unbelieving lifestyle or his Godly marriage to you.

    As Paul said, "If the unbeliever departs let him depart, the wife is not bound in such circumstances".
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2009
  8. oryx

    oryx Not the droid you were looking for

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    try Setting Captives Free .com. It may help, when he comes around and wants to change. My thoughts and prayers are with you, the Father loves you and He also can't stand your husbands sin. Look to the Father and take comfort in Him, He is the one who will raise you up, climb onto His back as He flies out on His eagles wings above your troubles.
     
  9. Revived

    Revived Love is the final fight.

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    If you do indeed consider a separation I urge you to explore the "Constructive Separation" concept. It's explained thoroughly in the second video above.

    God's Blessings,
    Derrick
     
  10. Bridgit

    Bridgit Guest

    It is not easy to give you the right advice as we do not know much about your husband.

    As others have mentioned before, you should consider staying somewhere else for a while (taking your children with you if you have any), if he is threatening and/or refuses to go to counseling or to change his ways.

    Be compassionate but be firm and be careful. Take his name off any checking or credit card accounts that are yours, otherwise, you might find yourself without money.

    Find family members or friends you know you can rely on and trust.

    I know all these actions will hurt both of you, but if you don't take these necessary steps the consequences might be far worse (physical/emotional abuse, jail, loss ....)

    Dear Father, thank you for loving evemck and her family. Give her the wisdom and the strength to do what is right. Comfort and support her. Protect her and her family from the enemy and his lies. Reveal yourself to her and her husband. Help them to put their trust in you and to cast their burdens on your shoulders. Bring salvation to their home. Help evemck to find courage and guidance when she reads your Word. Guide her steps and let her know that she is not alone but that you are with her and will always be. Thank you Father for what you are doing in her life and for what you are about to do. May your will be done and may you be glorified in this situation. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen!
     
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