Prayer Request HELP: MIL Ruining My Marriage

[mrsz]

I need some christian advice/prayers for my marriage. My husband and I had a great relationship until the issues with my MIL came to a head. My MIL comes across very sweet to everyone but she is very passive aggressive to me. It drives me crazy because no one, especially my husband seems to notice. I have been praying about my MIL issues because it is to the point I want to give up sometimes because i have soooo much resentment toward her and my husband.

My MIL is married to my husbands father, and he has an older brother. I think that her being the only woman in the family for all of these years is one of the reasons we can't get along. My FIL is very passive and my husband and BIL all pretty much let her do and say what she wants. I stated my opinion about something one time that was opposite of hers and she got soooo upset at me, and said I was disrespectful!

There are too many incidents to list but over the years the wedge has grown bigger between us and my husband was totally oblivious. We pretty much only interact during family functions and if she needs something from me, she texts me (if she needs me to cook something or she wants an idea for a gift for my husband). She and my husband talk multiple times a day and she has to know everything that we did that day down to what we ate. She copies me, down to how I dress and has even went out and bought some of the exact same jewelry my husband has bought me. She constantly compares how I treat my mom to how I treat her, yet I don't feel that she treats me like a daughter at all.

Things came to a head at the birth of our first child (her first grandchild). When I became pregnant, she decided to do a full nursery in their home and she did it in the exact same theme as my nursery. I wanted to do a natural birth and I knew I wanted my mom and my husband in the room. My mother is my rock and I couldn't imagine going through something as scary as child birth for the first time without her. When I went into labor, my husband called his parents and told them he would call them when the baby was born and they were welcome to come then. Needless to say, two hours after I was admitted his parents walk into my delivery room!! I was beyond upset, but as usual, I held in my emotions to keep the piece with my husband. My MIL claims they were just staying for a "little while". My FIL was ready to go home after a couple of hrs and my MIL announced she was staying. I was furious but I felt helpless because I didn't want to upset my husband. My labor because increasingly painful after she came into the room and my mom (who is totally aware of our issues) comforted me and prayed with me continuously to help me through labor while my MIL slept through most of it or had a conversation with my husband. I ended up being in labor for more than 24 hrs, and she even stood there and watched me push my baby out. Once the baby was out she ran over to watch the baby get cleaned off with not so much as a second thought about me.

After going home from the hospital, I need up suffering from Postpartum Depression for a few weeks. I had some complications post birth that I was dealing with on top of adjusting to becoming a new mom. About 3 weeks postpartum I shared some of the issues I've had with my MIL with my husband. He decided to go to her home to have a conversation with her about how I was feeling. He said she was surprised and never knew there was an issue between us and she thought of me "daughter". She told him she wanted me to come over the next day and talk. I had a sinking feeling but I went over to talk to her anyway. When I got there, she insisted my husband sit for the conversation, while I thought that the conversation should be between she and I. I didn't want to hurt my husband by seeing us arguing, but i reluctantly agreed. She had all of these instances where she felt I did something wrong (yet she told my husband previously she never had an issue with me) and the worst thing of all is that she said she felt hurt that I didn't make her feel welcome in the delivery room and that she had just as much of a right as my mother to be in there.!!!! I was in disbelief. I have never felt so angry in my life. My husband actually agreed with her.

My husband and I have gotten into multiple arguments over his mom since then. His solution was to take the baby around his family in the future and to leave me home so I ended up apologizing to her to keep the peace. I have not gotten over the way my delivery went nor have I gotten over the fact that she felt she had the right to be there and my husband not sticking up for me. I feel like she has won, as usual and even though I have put on a happy face and she and I are cordial again, I have deep resentment toward her and my husband. I often replay my birth and my argument with my MIL in my head and get angry all over again. I feel like she doesn't give me the space to be a wife and a mother for our little family.


Please help!!!

 

[johndoo]

You may need to go to marriage counseling to work on this.
You will continue to need to learn how to deal with difficult people. It won't end. She won't change.
She won't be happy and it isn't your fault.
Your husband needs to support you and a professional may need to tell him directly.

 

[chapmic]

I think your MIL just want to be their to support you and her grandbaby, she might not be the best at showing her appreciation but in her head it definitely seems like she sees you as part of the family. I don't think she wants to be your enemy. In order to move forward, I will be praying for reconciliation. I will be praying that you will have peace with your MIL. The best way to move past this is to forgive and forget, even if she doesn't ask for forgiveness. I say that because the situation clearly upsets you and the best way to not let an incident upset you is to not think about it. When we reflect on it, we remind ourselves of those same angry emotions we felt when the situation was happening. We will face difficult times but when we count our blessings we will be able to put life in perspective an realize there is a lot more to be happy about than there is to be angry about. I hope this helps! God bless!

 

[mkgal1]

She had all of these instances where she felt I did something wrong (yet she told my husband previously she never had an issue with me) and the worst thing of all is that she said she felt hurt that I didn't make her feel welcome in the delivery room and that she had just as much of a right as my mother to be in there.!!!! I was in disbelief. I have never felt so angry in my life. My husband actually agreed with her.

My husband and I have gotten into multiple arguments over his mom since then. His solution was to take the baby around his family in the future and to leave me home so I ended up apologizing to her to keep the peace. I have not gotten over the way my delivery went nor have I gotten over the fact that she felt she had the right to be there and my husband not sticking up for me. I feel like she has won, as usual and even though I have put on a happy face and she and I are cordial again, I have deep resentment toward her and my husband. I often replay my birth and my argument with my MIL in my head and get angry all over again. I feel like she doesn't give me the space to be a wife and a mother for our little family.

I'm so sorry that things have gone this way. Your husband should have--first--asked his parents to wait until he called them (as he originally said....and as you two originally agreed). What a violation of boundaries! She *wasn't* "welcome" there in the first place....and there's nothing wrong with your decision not to have her there.

I don't know if this will help.....but this article addresses this topic (and especially how the spouse may not "get it"). Maybe you could share this with him? Otherwise....you may want to find a good counselor that understands how damaging this wedge is--and how you should be your husband's first loyalty (especially now that you have a child)....and how to set proper boundaries together.

 

[HannahT]

You need to learn boundaries instead of just going along to get along. You notice that isn't helping so far. No, it's not easy - and YES you must pick your times to do that.

I realize the MIL may have a fit, but that is on her. Your delivery for example is for you, and not time to make polite conversation with your MIL. If anything your MIL should be there for you, and to help with comfort, etc. The same with after your birth.

The nursery theme? Let it go - it's not worth it. Same with the clothes and jewelry. It just shows she likes your taste!

Your husband may not understand why the boundaries all of sudden, and yes he may not understand it either! Yet, there are benefits to having them. He will start to recognize them, and may even start using them himself. Sounds like the boys are have enabled her, and she is used to it. Heck, I doubt they recognize this. It's been a long time!

Chances are very good this child may break some of this dynamic. The child will come first, and you both need to stick to your parenting plan...and she will need to learn to deal with that!

Recognize it for what it is. It's a boundary issue. It's not evil, but a personality trait for her. Yes, you will ruffle some feathers, but they are needed feathers to be ruffled.

My MIL passed away within the last 2 months. Throughout the 30 years or so of dealing with each other? Things changed alot. I had to learn to accept things that drove me crazy about her, and she had to deal with my boundaries. lol which no doubt drove her nuts at times too. Many things between our dynamics I just had to roll my eyes, and keep my mouth shut. Other times she had opinions on how things should go in our family, and I did it my way anyway.

I still giggle about the time she lectured me about Sesame Street the show. She felt they treated Oscar the Grouch terribly, and repeated their material way to often...in other words it was boring! Her claim to fame? The boys (H, his twin and younger brother) didn't like the show, and so that was her endorsement. Pointing out we were all teenagers by the time the show aired? Didn't matter. My kids shouldn't watch it - it's violent and boring. It wasn't worth the war or conversation. The kids watched it when they wanted to, but just not at Grandma's house.

Boundaries help balance!

 

[LinkH]

If you have another baby, don't put this issue on your husband. PUt it on the labor and delivery nurses. I mean, you can talk this over with your hsuband and say you want your mom and him with you. I mean, it's not about your MIL having a right. Who has a right to see you naked, or parts of you? Put it that way and yoru MIL should understand, and if she doesn't, your husband should. Your mom saw you naked as a child. Your husband is your husband.

As far as protecting you from people you don't want to be in the room, that' sthe labor delivery nurses responsibility. Midwives are probably better at it. Tell them who you want in the room and explain the MIL situation between contractions before they get there if you can. They are usually pretty good at getting people out of the room, "Sorry, we can only have two people. Her husband and her mom are hear already. Sorry. I need you to leave." It keeps your husband out of a tough situation during a stressful time. Also, if you can somehow set it up with your hospital who you want in the room before labor, that's good, too.

I know wives like it if their husbands stick up to their mothers for them, but men are supposed to honor their mother's too. It's hard to know the right boundaries.

As far as your MIL leaving you when the baby came out, being on the other end of the delivery, I can tell you that there is a really, really strong urge to stay with the baby rather than go back for the placenta. I was really torn. I'd take a step toward the baby, and a step toward my wife. I ran back by my wife's side, hoping everything would be over fast so they could bring the baby over. I have had four, and I always follow the baby over, and then run back after the pushing starts again for the afterbirth ordeal. I know my wife needs the moral support, but it's hard to leave a brand new baby in the incubator. I'm a husband, though. If it's a MIL, there's not much a chance she's going to go back unless you two are really, really close. You could lose a mom by your side over a new baby. THe doctor is there, after all.

Anyway, I think your MIL is not being understanding enough. Childbirth is extremely painful and stressful, and they should try to make you comfortable. And if you don't want some relative to see you exposed like that, I think a reasonable person should understand. In fact, if you put it like that, "Do you want me to see you naked?" she might think about it from a different perspective. Even after 30 or 40 years, you'd think a woman would still understand what it was like. But some people aren't as understanding as others. Anyway, you probably don't want to open that can of worms and have that discussion again. But do try to forgive. Try not to get mad. She was thinking of the grandchild and being in the room when the baby gets there when she thought she had a 'right, not about you being there in the condition you were in suffering. Did she have full epidurals or a C-section or something like that, and can't relate?

 

[mkgal1]

I know wives like it if their husbands stick up to their mothers for them, but men are supposed to honor their mother's too. It's hard to know the right boundaries.

Matthew 19:5 and Ephesians 5:31: 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be united with his wife, and the two will become one flesh' ("leave" is more than a physical move).

 

[LinkH]

Some thoughts on passive aggressive MIL stuff.

My wife and mother get along pretty well. But when they spend a lot of time together (long visits), there can be tension. I remember one time when my wife was pregnant, my mom said something about her clothes being tight. My wife took it as a modesty issue, too. Both of them are conservative about that sort of thing. Anyway, that little tiny comment was a big deal to her. She said since she was pregnant, clothes were tight. For me, the comment would not have been a big deal even if my mom was subtly implying something, because she's my mom and I know her well, and so something like that wouldn't hurt my feelings. Plus, I'm a guy, and little comments like that may just not hurt me as much, at least not on that topic.

I also think us men don't try to imply something big by little tiny comments as much as women, not in US culture at least. I can't think of all the examples, but several times my mom said something that to me seemed unimportant and small, and my wife eithe rread a lot into it, or that's what my mom meant. It would not have bothered me, but it bothered her.

Sometimes to us men, these little comments, even if they have some bigger implied meaning, aren't that big of a deal. And we aren't so subtle with our comments as often, probably, as women, and may not pick up on the implications.

I'm not surprised if your MIL said some things you took as passive aggressive and yoru husband did not pick up on it. He might not have picked up on what she was trying to imply, or if he did, it may have seemed like no big deal. He grew up with his mom (I assume) and he's not as sensitive to those sorts of things.

 

[LinkH]

Maybe you could buy some outfits just like your MIL and wear them when she does, and say you thought it was a good idea if you dressed alike.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

While our situation is not exactly the same, my wife is from overseas and we live with my parents (for now). At first my wife and mom were enemies essentially. Mom is controlling, has some anger issues...etc. Its been about 3 years now and they are doing MUCH better. They have adapted to each other and my mom has also noticed her own issues and has been working on them. My mom and wife haven't had a fight for months now. Its great.

Though as my dads friend tells me... "When you have more then one woman in a house, things never go well!". Its true. Men can't get along better in a single house then woman can. Though in your case you don't live together so that helps. Regardless, you shouldn't have to be the one whos feels like junk because of all this. As a husband you need to be his priority over his own mom.

 

[Freedom Now]

I think scriptures say it best.....

a man shall leave father and mother and be joined to his wife and they become one flesh....


Unless a man becomes one with his wife and is willing to lay down his life for his wife, he is
not much of a husband...

As long as husband is trying to keep his parents happy at the expense of his wife, then he has
not yet left father and mother and become one with his wife....

Where are the real men, husbands?