Help! I Am Not Attracted To And Do Not Really Love My Wife

[spotlight41]

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brother,

by the mercy and grace of The LORD GOD, i beg you... put divorce far from your mind and implore the LORD GOD for HIS grace to obey HIS command to us husbands to do this...

"Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." - Colossians 3:19

25"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church." - Ephesians 5:25-32

"Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." - 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." - Ephesians 6:12

we are to love our wives unconditionally no matter what. If our Lord JESUS CHRIST could divorce us (HE doesn't because HE is GOD, good and Faithful & True, Amen)... then no one could/would see the kingdom of GOD.
"For I am the LORD, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed." Malachi 3:6

Before the LORD saves us...
"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all." - Isaiah 53:6

we go on, in ourselves not being perfect (though mercifully & compassionately corrected by GOD in the way we ought to walk with GOD in this present world, and improved until the day of the redemption of our bodies - May 21, 2011!, truly)... yet GOD is so patient and longsuffering and kind toward us. It is a lesson for us to be the same way with our wives, being thankful always for the gift GOD has given us. We may not always understand particular situations, but by GOD's grace, we remain obedient and keep trust HIM.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9

Ultimately, it isn't about us, but about The LORD our GOD, The Lord JESUS CHRIST, who gave all for us, that we may live unto HIM.

"If ye love me, keep my commandments." - John 14:15
"He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him." - John 14:21
"If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love." - John 15:10

You know the commandments of GOD as HE has mercifully shown you, so, by HIS grace and in HIS strength alone, (Phil 4:13), through constant reading of HIS holy words and in prayer without ceasing (1 Thess 5:17), to and for HIS glory alone... keep them, because you love and fear HIM.

"The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. Moreover by them is thy servant warned: and in keeping of them there is great reward." - Psalm 19:9-11

again & finally, by GOD's grace and in HIS strength alone ("watch & pray)... lets not succumb to our own selfish desires, but rather obey GOD (avoiding, and i say carefully, a garden of eden type scenario of disobedience, which in the eyes of GOD is rebellion, which is the same as witchcraft and idolatry)

"For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king." - 1 Samuel 15:23

May The LORD bless and guide and keep you and all reading. Amen.
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"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

Although I thank everyone for their advice, it is quite clear that this was not the correct venue to come to for it. How can a person like HISservant21, who has posted above and claims judgment day is May 21, 2011 give any advice that one would consider Christian. All this means to me is that a person like this believes in pain and suffering and misery and is looking forward to a fictitious end that is May 21. That is not living. That does not magnify God. This is just nonsense. People interpret the bible in any way that suits them and their life predicament.

HISservant21 who has posted elsewhere on this website regarding May 21, 2011 writes "we go on, in ourselves not being perfect (though mercifully & compassionately corrected by GOD in the way we ought to walk with GOD in this present world, and improved until the day of the redemption of our bodies - May 21, 2011!, truly)... yet GOD is so patient and long suffering and kind toward us. It is a lesson for us to be the same way with our wives, being thankful always for the gift GOD has given us. We may not always understand particular situations, but by GOD's grace, we remain obedient and keep trust HIM."

What is this craziness. Whoever is writing that is clearly crazy and should not be allowed on this website to give advice. It is dangerous. It also turns people like me away. I am sure this HISservant21 has turned many away from God.

Again, I thank you all for taking the time to share. But clearly there is no was to take certain comments seriously, especially this one.

 

[spotlight41]

holy scriptures pertaining to marriage relationships... "The LORD be magnified"!!! (pss 40:16)

Proverbs 18:22
"Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD."

Ephesians 5:24-26
"Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. [bless and do not curse]Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,"

Colossians 3:18-20
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. [bless and do not curse]Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. [bless and do not curse]Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. "

Matthew 19:6
"Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. [bless and do not curse]What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. "

Malachi 2:16
"For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. " [putting away is divorce, The LORD hates it]

"Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." - Hebrews 13:4

"But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul. A wound and dishonour shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away." - Proverbs 6: 32-33

"Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body." - 1 Corinthians 6:18[bless and do not curse]

1 Corinthians 7
"Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. [bless and do not curse]Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. [bless and do not curse]Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. [bless and do not curse]The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. [bless and do not curse]Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. [bless and do not curse]For I would that all men were even as I myself. [bless and do not curse]But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. [bless and do not curse]I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I. [bless and do not curse]But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. [bless and do not curse]And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. [bless and do not curse]And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. [bless and do not curse]For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. [bless and do not curse]But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. [bless and do not curse]A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. [bless and do not curse]For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?"
----
Proverbs 5:17-19
"Let them be only thine own, and not strangers' with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her bosoms satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."

Although I thank everyone for their advice, it is quite clear that this was not the correct venue to come to for it. How can a person like HISservant21, who has posted above and claims judgment day is May 21, 2011 give any advice that one would consider Christian. All this means to me is that a person like this believes in pain and suffering and misery and is looking forward to a fictitious end that is May 21. That is not living. That does not magnify God. This is just nonsense. People interpret the bible in any way that suits them and their life predicament.

HISservant21 who has posted elsewhere on this website regarding May 21, 2011 writes "we go on, in ourselves not being perfect (though mercifully & compassionately corrected by GOD in the way we ought to walk with GOD in this present world, and improved until the day of the redemption of our bodies - May 21, 2011!, truly)... yet GOD is so patient and long suffering and kind toward us. It is a lesson for us to be the same way with our wives, being thankful always for the gift GOD has given us. We may not always understand particular situations, but by GOD's grace, we remain obedient and keep trust HIM."

What is this craziness. Whoever is writing that is clearly crazy and should not be allowed on this website to give advice. It is dangerous. It also turns people like me away. I am sure this HISservant21 has turned many away from God.

Again, I thank you all for taking the time to share. But clearly there is no was to take certain comments seriously, especially this one.

 

[spotlight41]

Reality, OP - I hope you read this.

Whose reality? This poster is not living in reality. She rather stay in delusion and misery than hear what her husband is saying. Marriage is not a prison. That poster will continue to be miserable because she will not face reality. You cannot put all of your joy and happiness in another person. You must put it in God and God alone. Guilt, shame, judgment, etc are not of God. The poster can stay in that situation but it will not get better. She will remain unhappy. Or, she can face reality.

Since I posted here, my wife and I have communicated. We have been honest with each other. She has shared with me that she also does not think we are in a healthy marriage. We are praying about it together. I am not trying to hold her if she does not want to stay and she is not doing that to me. I want what is best for her and she wants what is best for me. When you try to control and imprison another person, that is not love, that is fear.

 

[seajoy]

Whose reality? This poster is not living in reality. She rather stay in delusion and misery than hear what her husband is saying. Marriage is not a prison. That poster will continue to be miserable because she will not face reality. You cannot put all of your joy and happiness in another person. You must put it in God and God alone. Guilt, shame, judgment, etc are not of God. The poster can stay in that situation but it will not get better. She will remain unhappy. Or, she can face reality.

Since I posted here, my wife and I have communicated. We have been honest with each other. She has shared with me that she also does not think we are in a healthy marriage. We are praying about it together. I am not trying to hold her if she does not want to stay and she is not doing that to me. I want what is best for her and she wants what is best for me. When you try to control and imprison another person, that is not love, that is fear.

I'm not sure why you came here looking for Christian advice.

 

[susanpath32]

I'm not sure why you came here looking for Christian advice.

I think the OP has a point in that there is no reason to try and guilt or shame someone into staying in a situation. The decision should be made with a clear and pure heart which can be done through prayer and reading the Bible. However, the other poster who stated her bad marriage situation is not helping in a sense that it is sad what has happened to her, but that is her situation. This person must take his situation to God and not just choose to stay because someone else came on his post with a sad story.

The OP is free to come on here for Christian advice. You never know what someone will hear and heed to. He sounds much different than he did when he first posted. It sounds like he and his wife are praying about it and moving forward in a positive direction.

Seajoy, I understand where you are coming from. But these situations are never easy. Continue to give your advice. Trust me, you never know what people will read and who you will help.

 

[seajoy]

I guess I was just trying to help him see that there are other people's feelings to consider instead of just his own. One can learn a lot from someone's very human story.

 

[susanpath32]

I guess I was just trying to help him see that there are other people's feelings to consider instead of just his own. One can learn a lot from someone's very human story.

I totally agree! I believe he hears you. Your genuine concern shines through. As does everyone else's. Hopefully, the OP will take what he has heard and either see a counselor or go into serious prayer.

 

[Luis67]

Oh, goodie... another one. I'm going to be blunt, because I am in your poor wife's shoes.

My husband just laid that one on me after TWENTY years of marriage and he is acting like an angry little boy because I'm actually upset...he doesn't understand why I don't want to get a divorce and stay the bestest of friends instead. He said he's been lying to me about his feelings for our entire marriage (which he said he believed God told him to marry me, but then felt he misunderstood what God meant and it was a "mistake".)

And he poses as a born again Christian, but states that anyone pointing out scriptures is just being "legalistic". He insists that God is a loving father who wants him to be happy so will forgive him for destroying our family, badly hurting our children, and LYING during two bouts of marriage counseling and a single series of individual counseling for him I begged him to go to because he always acted depressed, isolated, and emotionally distant. He said he just couldn't ever "open up" with me about his feelings. And he couldn't ever "open up" with the marriage counselors. And he couldn't ever "open up" with the individual counselor he was seeing. And that is why he said he has never gone to any of our pastors for help on this, he couldn't "open up" with any of them.

This marriage was torture enough for me the last several years with his refusing to discuss our relationship problems or his depression issues, but I couldn't leave because we had children and he was still going to church.... I always thought that ONE DAY he would recognize the seriousness of his treating his vows before God and the scriptures regarding marriage with such contempt. Or that he would work on his problems at least for our childrens' sake. Nope, I find at Christmas that he arranged to move out, he asked for a divorce and finally tells me what little I thought we even had was a faked on his part because he was always scared to commit 100% to a marriage and family. Oh, and he mentioned that he always felt that someday if he was free he would find the same type of being in love and feeling butterflies again that he felt with his first girlfriend as a teenager.

I'm begging you for your poor wife's sake and your childrens' sake if you have any, GO TO YOUR PASTOR! Spill your guts to him and genuinely try to resolve this through honest, dedicated Christian marriage counseling. Marriage and family is a sacred, till-death-do-you-part covenant for a reason.... it is critical for the spiritual, emotional and phsyical well-being of the children, not to mention the institution that Jesus commanded us to form to represent his relationship to his Church. You are playing self-centered, aching-for-the-thrill-of-infatuation little boy games with her life, heart and her sanity. You vowed before God to love, honor and cherish her- if you refuse to try to grow out of your immaturity and selfishness long enough to try to do that, she at the very least DESERVES HONESTY and the opportunity to participate in the decision about how to handle your relationship as it stands.

(And yes, I recognize that I am still emotionally distraught over this whole situation... I am constantly alternating between praying for his genuine salvation and for God to have mercy on him, my children's well-being, and for God to help rid me of my hurt and bitterness while I try to rebuild my family, life and emotional health from the ground up again.)

Just thought you might gain some insight from the woman's perspective....

I believe you are sent by God prompted by the Holy Spirit to reveal the injury of a woman of God in this situation. I'm so sorry you went through this, my heart goes to you because I can only imagine the damage. Allow me to thank God and how he has used you for this testimony.

He truly does care about us, because your testimony came out of nowhere Amen to Christ. May he bless you and your family forever.

 

[glomajor]

-------
brother,

by the mercy and grace of The LORD GOD, i beg you... put divorce far from your mind and implore the LORD GOD for HIS grace to obey HIS command to us husbands to do this...

"Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." - Colossians 3:19

25"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church." - Ephesians 5:25-32

"Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." - 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." - Ephesians 6:12

we are to love our wives unconditionally no matter what. If our Lord JESUS CHRIST could divorce us (HE doesn't because HE is GOD, good and Faithful & True, Amen)... then no one could/would see the kingdom of GOD.
"For I am the LORD, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed." Malachi 3:6

Before the LORD saves us...
"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all." - Isaiah 53:6

we go on, in ourselves not being perfect (though mercifully & compassionately corrected by GOD in the way we ought to walk with GOD in this present world, and improved until the day of the redemption of our bodies - May 21, 2011!, truly)... yet GOD is so patient and longsuffering and kind toward us. It is a lesson for us to be the same way with our wives, being thankful always for the gift GOD has given us. We may not always understand particular situations, but by GOD's grace, we remain obedient and keep trust HIM.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9

Ultimately, it isn't about us, but about The LORD our GOD, The Lord JESUS CHRIST, who gave all for us, that we may live unto HIM.

"If ye love me, keep my commandments." - John 14:15
"He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him." - John 14:21
"If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love." - John 15:10

You know the commandments of GOD as HE has mercifully shown you, so, by HIS grace and in HIS strength alone, (Phil 4:13), through constant reading of HIS holy words and in prayer without ceasing (1 Thess 5:17), to and for HIS glory alone... keep them, because you love and fear HIM.

"The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. Moreover by them is thy servant warned: and in keeping of them there is great reward." - Psalm 19:9-11

again & finally, by GOD's grace and in HIS strength alone ("watch & pray)... lets not succumb to our own selfish desires, but rather obey GOD (avoiding, and i say carefully, a garden of eden type scenario of disobedience, which in the eyes of GOD is rebellion, which is the same as witchcraft and idolatry)

"For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king." - 1 Samuel 15:23

May The LORD bless and guide and keep you and all reading. Amen.
---------
"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

Your advice is not helpful to the original poster. If you are promoting May 21 as the end of the world, which you are, you are not helping anyone by posting advice on any of these forums. You are turning people from Christ. People only see you as a delusional joke!

Why do you keep coming on this website to post this? No one here agrees with you. NOT ONE PERSON! Go to your Harold Camping websites. The Bible clearly speaks of false prophets like camping and you his loyal follower. You are filled with the spirit of evil. You will be dealt with.

Matthew 7: 21 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name 23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'


Mt 7:15 Jesus said to his disciples: "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing,but underneath are ravenous wolves.


Matthew 7: 16-20 By their fruits you will know them. Do people pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? Just so, every good tree bears good fruit, and a rotten tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a rotten tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. So by their fruits you will know them."

 

[Matariki]

Oh, goodie... another one. I'm going to be blunt, because I am in your poor wife's shoes.

My husband just laid that one on me after TWENTY years of marriage and he is acting like an angry little boy because I'm actually upset...he doesn't understand why I don't want to get a divorce and stay the bestest of friends instead. He said he's been lying to me about his feelings for our entire marriage (which he said he believed God told him to marry me, but then felt he misunderstood what God meant and it was a "mistake".)

And he poses as a born again Christian, but states that anyone pointing out scriptures is just being "legalistic". He insists that God is a loving father who wants him to be happy so will forgive him for destroying our family, badly hurting our children, and LYING during two bouts of marriage counseling and a single series of individual counseling for him I begged him to go to because he always acted depressed, isolated, and emotionally distant. He said he just couldn't ever "open up" with me about his feelings. And he couldn't ever "open up" with the marriage counselors. And he couldn't ever "open up" with the individual counselor he was seeing. And that is why he said he has never gone to any of our pastors for help on this, he couldn't "open up" with any of them.

This marriage was torture enough for me the last several years with his refusing to discuss our relationship problems or his depression issues, but I couldn't leave because we had children and he was still going to church.... I always thought that ONE DAY he would recognize the seriousness of his treating his vows before God and the scriptures regarding marriage with such contempt. Or that he would work on his problems at least for our childrens' sake. Nope, I find at Christmas that he arranged to move out, he asked for a divorce and finally tells me what little I thought we even had was a faked on his part because he was always scared to commit 100% to a marriage and family. Oh, and he mentioned that he always felt that someday if he was free he would find the same type of being in love and feeling butterflies again that he felt with his first girlfriend as a teenager.

I'm begging you for your poor wife's sake and your childrens' sake if you have any, GO TO YOUR PASTOR! Spill your guts to him and genuinely try to resolve this through honest, dedicated Christian marriage counseling. Marriage and family is a sacred, till-death-do-you-part covenant for a reason.... it is critical for the spiritual, emotional and phsyical well-being of the children, not to mention the institution that Jesus commanded us to form to represent his relationship to his Church. You are playing self-centered, aching-for-the-thrill-of-infatuation little boy games with her life, heart and her sanity. You vowed before God to love, honor and cherish her- if you refuse to try to grow out of your immaturity and selfishness long enough to try to do that, she at the very least DESERVES HONESTY and the opportunity to participate in the decision about how to handle your relationship as it stands.

(And yes, I recognize that I am still emotionally distraught over this whole situation... I am constantly alternating between praying for his genuine salvation and for God to have mercy on him, my children's well-being, and for God to help rid me of my hurt and bitterness while I try to rebuild my family, life and emotional health from the ground up again.)

Just thought you might gain some insight from the woman's perspective....

Listen to this woman, because this could be your wife's situation in the future if you fail to take action. Whether you like it or not you are the head of the home and you bear the responsibility of your family and your actions. God is looking for you to lead. From what I have read she isn't the one breaking the covenant of marriage, you are by your rebellion. You may be disgusted by your wife, but your disgust is nothing compared to God's.

You have prayed to God and it seems that he has answered your prayers by bringing you here, and now he has left it up to you whether or not to take the advice thats been posted into consideration and act on it. I plead that you trust God and take the advice posted here into consideration, pray that he will guide you towards the answers you need see.

 

[glomajor]

Whose reality? This poster is not living in reality. She rather stay in delusion and misery than hear what her husband is saying. Marriage is not a prison. That poster will continue to be miserable because she will not face reality. You cannot put all of your joy and happiness in another person. You must put it in God and God alone. Guilt, shame, judgment, etc are not of God. The poster can stay in that situation but it will not get better. She will remain unhappy. Or, she can face reality.

Since I posted here, my wife and I have communicated. We have been honest with each other. She has shared with me that she also does not think we are in a healthy marriage. We are praying about it together. I am not trying to hold her if she does not want to stay and she is not doing that to me. I want what is best for her and she wants what is best for me. When you try to control and imprison another person, that is not love, that is fear.

I agree that although the poster who is the wife has a sad story we do not know both sides. Therefore the OP expressed his sympathy but I agree with him that he cannot base his decision based on this woman's story. It has been 20 years of unhappiness for her. 20 YEARS of life gone. Clearly, these are not cut and dry situations. Does she continue to suffer for 20 more years?

There are posters on here like HISServant21 who are clearly crazy. Talking about judgment day May 21. He also gave advice to the OP. Does the OP just take this advice. One must discern and pray. This poster HISservant21 is also married. Who knows what his wife has suffered at his hands. If his wife were to post here many would say she must remain in the marriage no matter what. Even though her life and mental health may be in danger.

I think the OP should pursue counseling as he has stated. The woman who posted demonstrates what can happen when two people are not on the same page. It is sad. But it is the truth. Her husband does not want to be married to her. She has prayed, and begged etc. But nothing has changed. It has gotten worse.

Therefore, common sense would say that another course of action may be needed. OP I wish you all the best in your counseling.

 

[apureheart]

I am kinda slow. Let me see if I get this. You say you married your wife because you felt it was GOD's will. And now you don't. What changed? GOD's will or your feelings? From what you have shared your wife seems like an awesome person. She loves GOD. She loves scripture. And she loves you. But.....

For a marriage to be satisfying you need more than what your wife brings to the table. You have needs. And a right to expect more. Staying in a marriage to a woman you are not attracted to is, according to you, living a lie. So you admit you are living a lie. And you also say you want to do the right thing. And that you feel the right thing would be to end the marriage.

Well, this is an old, old story. It first appeared in Genesis 3. And later in Matthew 4. Taking a bit of truth, mixing in a little lie, and then adding feelings to the mix led to disaster for Adam and Eve. But when well crafted words, needs, wants and desires were subject to scripture by Jesus lies were exposed and the enemy left to fight another day.

Can you tell us more about your wife? And why you married her? I am kind of pessimistic that the only reason you married her was GOD said to. There has to be more to the story. Or have you forgotten?


The Devil's Promise

He was in Genesis 3 and Matthew 4
His enticing words were hard to ignore

In Genesis 3 his words took root
In Matthew 4 were given the boot

Fruit looks good and pleasant to the eyes
Desirable to eat and will make one wise

Truth with a twist is a tangled lie
Those who bite will eventually die

Compared to GOD's Word his words are vain
They are dressed to kill but truth is plain

He makes promises he cannot deliver
He's always been a taker not a giver

He says you can leave because you're bored
He cannot say, "Thus saith the Lord..."

He says that GOD is holding you back
Keeping from you something you lack

The devil is a liar and always has been
Because of his words we live in sin

Sin will (s)eparate, (i)nterrupt, (n)egate
It demands its' way and refuses to wait

Sin will always seek the easy way out
What once you were sure of now you doubt


True, your emotions are valid and real
And it is okay to feel what you feel

Something is not right you have need
Just be careful whose advice you heed

Marriage is not something you endure
But will complete you when love is pure

Our GOD is well able to rekindle the flame
To once again see beauty instead of blame

If you need something different GOD will accomadate
He can make a difference without changing your mate

If GOD is able to raise the dead and save a soul
Maybe he can restore a marriage and make it whole

After Genesis 3 was a lifetime of regret
After Matthew 4 a heart and life was set


.....peace.....


Psalm 37:5 (KJV) Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass.

Psalm 106:15 (KJV) And He gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul.

.....peace.....

 

[Madeline M.]

I am not sure what exactly you want from us. The answer is simple-- you live with your choices. No one can tell you that it would be OK to divorce your wife. Whatever your reasons, divorcing her for any reason aside from adultery on her part is a sin. If you decide that you are OK with committing that sin, at least admit that's what it is.

There's no happy outcome here unless you can pick up the pieces of your relationship and fall in love with her someday. Any other outcome will have to be a result of sin somehow. And it absolutely is possible for you two to be in love. Don't tell yourself otherwise to try and rationalize your thoughts. It is true what they day: love is a choice, not a feeling. If you don't stay with her because you love her, why not stay because you love God? You made a covenant with him to honor and keep your wife. If nothing else, that should be reason enough to stay with her.

God will bless you for honoring Him. When you base your happiness on "happenings," however, He does not bless, because you are telling Him that He is not enough for you. I know it's hard to deny yourself like that, but we are called as Christians to do so. If you want to keep one foot in the world and one in heaven, the Bible says to not bother trying.

I am not judging you; honestly, I am sad that you are in this situation. I am just telling you the truth of the matter. How you choose to act is purely your decision, and nothing we tell you will change the truth of God's Word. His commandment not to divorce came way before people commonly married for love, so it's not an excuse. I know you said you don't want to hear "divorce is wrong" anymore, but there simply is nothing else to say about it. Leave her for this reason, you sin. Period. I sincerely hope you have a happy ending... God Bless.

 

[susanpath32]

I am not sure what exactly you want from us. The answer is simple-- you live with your choices. No one can tell you that it would be OK to divorce your wife. Whatever your reasons, divorcing her for any reason aside from adultery on her part is a sin. If you decide that you are OK with committing that sin, at least admit that's what it is.

There's no happy outcome here unless you can pick up the pieces of your relationship and fall in love with her someday. Any other outcome will have to be a result of sin somehow. And it absolutely is possible for you two to be in love. Don't tell yourself otherwise to try and rationalize your thoughts. It is true what they day: love is a choice, not a feeling. If you don't stay with her because you love her, why not stay because you love God? You made a covenant with him to honor and keep your wife. If nothing else, that should be reason enough to stay with her.

God will bless you for honoring Him. When you base your happiness on "happenings," however, He does not bless, because you are telling Him that He is not enough for you. I know it's hard to deny yourself like that, but we are called as Christians to do so. If you want to keep one foot in the world and one in heaven, the Bible says to not bother trying.

I am not judging you; honestly, I am sad that you are in this situation. I am just telling you the truth of the matter. How you choose to act is purely your decision, and nothing we tell you will change the truth of God's Word. His commandment not to divorce came way before people commonly married for love, so it's not an excuse. I know you said you don't want to hear "divorce is wrong" anymore, but there simply is nothing else to say about it. Leave her for this reason, you sin. Period. I sincerely hope you have a happy ending... God Bless.

I think the OP was just looking for a safe space to share his true feelings. Not to feel worse than he already does. For some it is easier to be obedient to every single word in the bible. Others find it more difficult. I do not think the OP is a bad person who is looking to just sin. He is in a bad situation. Have you ever just needed a friend. An ear to listen. Someone to just say wow, that is tough hang in there, etc. I think that is mostly what the OP wanted. He did not have to post here. He could have just gone to a divorce lawyer. But he has not and did not. A kind word goes a long way.

 

[WeCryOut]

Maybe I am alone in believing this, but why did God design marriage in the first place? From what I understand, he designed it as a metaphor for Christ's relationship to the church. For example, that's why the man is considered the biblical "head" of the relationship, why the women are asked to "obey" the man, why the man is asked to "love" the woman etc etc. Marriage wasn't designed by God to make us happy, it was designed to make us HOLY. The happiness part is just the icing on the cake.

Think about your relationship with your wife in relation to Christ's relationship to the church. Now, if Jesus told the church body "hey, you are a good group of people and all....but just not the "right" group of people for me....." where would that leave the church body?

Perhaps you aught to try viewing your wife the way Jesus does? That will take time and lots of effort for sure, but there is a good chance it would help. Furthermore, counseling is a good start. Heck, it can't make anything worse.

I'm not saying you can't divorce your wife. I am saying that you need to exhaust every possibly option before taking that plunge.

 

[Terene]

Although I thank everyone for their advice, it is quite clear that this was not the correct venue to come to for it. How can a person like HISservant21, who has posted above and claims judgment day is May 21, 2011 give any advice that one would consider Christian. All this means to me is that a person like this believes in pain and suffering and misery and is looking forward to a fictitious end that is May 21. That is not living. That does not magnify God. This is just nonsense. People interpret the bible in any way that suits them and their life predicament.

HISservant21 who has posted elsewhere on this website regarding May 21, 2011 writes "we go on, in ourselves not being perfect (though mercifully & compassionately corrected by GOD in the way we ought to walk with GOD in this present world, and improved until the day of the redemption of our bodies - May 21, 2011!, truly)... yet GOD is so patient and long suffering and kind toward us. It is a lesson for us to be the same way with our wives, being thankful always for the gift GOD has given us. We may not always understand particular situations, but by GOD's grace, we remain obedient and keep trust HIM."

What is this craziness. Whoever is writing that is clearly crazy and should not be allowed on this website to give advice. It is dangerous. It also turns people like me away. I am sure this HISservant21 has turned many away from God.

Again, I thank you all for taking the time to share. But clearly there is no was to take certain comments seriously, especially this one.

Dear brother,

Though I don't know whether this brother is right in regards to the judgment day (I believe many of us are not sure about this either), let's not come to haste conclusions and despise everything we hear and see. We simply don't allow such prophecies (whether be it true or false) to shake our faith and continue abiding in Christ until the end, this is sufficient for us to overcome all deception and ultimately win the crown of righteousness.

Putting aside the marriage issue you are facing, I must point out to you in Christ that your attitude towards brother HISservant21 is not right. We all make mistakes and can sometimes be swayed by false doctrines, even if this brother indeed supports something that is false, we ought to correct him in the love of Christ, in hope that he will turn away from heresies and be guided into all truth. It is not right to shun off and even despise a fellow Christian just because he holds false beliefs temporarily (unless he insists on falsehood despite the truth revealed to him, then we ought to deal with such a Christian differently).

With that said, none of us know the true date of the Lord's return, just like the Word has written. So should we be so quick to judge a fellow brother in this matter, seeing that we ourselves do not know well enough to judge? I think such judging should be withheld appropriately and be based on the Word and Word alone.

Please do communicate your thoughts on this in the love of Christ, and I hope that you will examine your heart before God to see if you have been right in judging thus. I write this to you because I don't want to see dissension, quarrelling, disputes and despising within the Body of Christ which is not comely for us as children of God.

Whose reality? This poster is not living in reality. She rather stay in delusion and misery than hear what her husband is saying. Marriage is not a prison. That poster will continue to be miserable because she will not face reality. You cannot put all of your joy and happiness in another person. You must put it in God and God alone. Guilt, shame, judgment, etc are not of God. The poster can stay in that situation but it will not get better. She will remain unhappy. Or, she can face reality.

Since I posted here, my wife and I have communicated. We have been honest with each other. She has shared with me that she also does not think we are in a healthy marriage. We are praying about it together. I am not trying to hold her if she does not want to stay and she is not doing that to me. I want what is best for her and she wants what is best for me. When you try to control and imprison another person, that is not love, that is fear.

While you are right in saying that we must put our joy and happiness in God, do you also realise that if you truly put your joy and happiness in God, you will be able to feel joy even if you do not feel attracted to your wife or you think that you don't love your wife?

Not only I, but many brethren have pointed out, that there is more than joy and happiness in a marriage, it is also a responsibility and a way to honor God. Do you put your own joy above your responsibility to God and your wife? Or do you truly look to God for the source of your joy and exercise responsibility in your marriage (despite the fact that there may not be passionate love between you and your wife)? The Lord commanded us to love our neighbors as ourselves, are you able to love your wife as yourself?

It is good to see that both of you are praying, and I hope that God would guide you both so that satan will not be able to do any damage within your family. May God be glorified in this matter and may His will be done always. Amen.

 

[susanpath32]

Dear brother,

Though I don't know whether this brother is right in regards to the judgment day (I believe many of us are not sure about this either), let's not come to haste conclusions and despise everything we hear and see. We simply don't allow such prophecies (whether be it true or false) to shake our faith and continue abiding in Christ until the end, this is sufficient for us to overcome all deception and ultimately win the crown of righteousness.

Putting aside the marriage issue you are facing, I must point out to you in Christ that your attitude towards brother HISservant21 is not right. We all make mistakes and can sometimes be swayed by false doctrines, even if this brother indeed supports something that is false, we ought to correct him in the love of Christ, in hope that he will turn away from heresies and be guided into all truth. It is not right to shun off and even despise a fellow Christian just because he holds false beliefs temporarily (unless he insists on falsehood despite the truth revealed to him, then we ought to deal with such a Christian differently).

With that said, none of us know the true date of the Lord's return, just like the Word has written. So should we be so quick to judge a fellow brother in this matter, seeing that we ourselves do not know well enough to judge? I think such judging should be withheld appropriately and be based on the Word and Word alone.

Please do communicate your thoughts on this in the love of Christ, and I hope that you will examine your heart before God to see if you have been right in judging thus. I write this to you because I don't want to see dissension, quarrelling, disputes and despising within the Body of Christ which is not comely for us as children of God.



While you are right in saying that we must put our joy and happiness in God, do you also realise that if you truly put your joy and happiness in God, you will be able to feel joy even if you do not feel attracted to your wife or you think that you don't love your wife?

Not only I, but many brethren have pointed out, that there is more than joy and happiness in a marriage, it is also a responsibility and a way to honor God. Do you put your own joy above your responsibility to God and your wife? Or do you truly look to God for the source of your joy and exercise responsibility in your marriage (despite the fact that there may not be passionate love between you and your wife)? The Lord commanded us to love our neighbors as ourselves, are you able to love your wife as yourself?

It is good to see that both of you are praying, and I hope that God would guide you both so that satan will not be able to do any damage within your family. May God be glorified in this matter and may His will be done always. Amen.

I must comment on this post because it is inconsistent. At the end you tell the OP to follow the bible and the Word of God to make the right choice and not get a divorce. But at the top you tell him he is being un-Christian to HIservant21. This is what the OP is taking about. Inconsistencies in bible interpretation and advice. HISservant21 is spreading false doctrine. He is doing it all over this website. He has been told that is is wrong to choose a date, etc. Yet, he does not listen. He continues to defend and spread it. Look on this website for yourself. How many people will be lead astray when this date does not happen?

The Word says no man knows. NO MAN. so the OP is correct in saying that HISservant21 has no right to offer advice if he also believes he knows the exact date of the second coming. This is false prophecy and leads any advice he gives to be tainted.

Many are looking to Christians to say something about this date. The nonchalance on the part of many including you is not good. We must stand firm in what we know is true and point out problems when we see them.

 

[free2dance]

I just came to browse this forum to see if anyone had a problem like the OP's because I too feel like he does. I signed in to this forum to respond to this thread.
Op--will you update what is happening with you, please.

I agree with most all the post, I know what the Word says which is why it so hard. I've been married for 20yr and have felt this way for almost the whole time. I was 18 when I married and was not a Christian, nor was he. We both are now. I love him as a brother in Christ but not a husband. I have no attraction for him and intimacy is forced on my part. He does not force himself on me but I force myself to be with him. We do have children and I depend on him financially so I feel trapped. We agree on nothing and have few things in common. If we were both single and I met him now I would not even be friends with him. And yes I've prayed God's hand in this for years to no avail.
OP--I feel you pain!!!

 

[iambren]

I just came to browse this forum to see if anyone had a problem like the OP's because I too feel like he does. I signed in to this forum to respond to this thread.

Op--will you update what is happening with you, please.

I agree with most all the post, I know what the Word says which is why it so hard. I've been married for 20yr and have felt this way for almost the whole time. I was 18 when I married and was not a Christian, nor was he. We both are now. I love him as a brother in Christ but not a husband. I have no attraction for him and intimacy is forced on my part. He does not force himself on me but I force myself to be with him. We do have children and I depend on him financially so I feel trapped. We agree on nothing and have few things in common. If we were both single and I met him now I would not even be friends with him. And yes I've prayed God's hand in this for years to no avail.
OP--I feel you pain!!!

I hear you, feel your pain, and relate to his pain also. I wonder if he's just given up and moved on from this thread. It's easy to quote scriptures, scold,admonish then leave it there...a person knows(like you do) the scriptures already.

From the responses thus far I wonder how many people really "get it". I did not sense in him that he was trying to justify adultery or retaliate against his wife or become a playboy and I don't sense that in you either. Neither was that in my heart 30 yrs ago. It's a very difficult life to live as a parched soul, longing to be in a "proper" heart-relationship.

What is the solution? I don't know. Mine was a little messy but I'll have to admit I'm glad the divorce happened. I wish the best for you--we know that God knows our inner being and cares for us.

 

[Jazer]

I don't understand. If there is not another woman you are lusting after, or the IDEA of another woman, than what is the point of a divorce?

Yeah, I do not understand that either. I lived alone for 5 years and I would not want to go back to that. My wife and I are friends or I would not have married her. Even if she was just a sister or a roommate, it would be better then living alone. I had a boss once who use to tell me that he did not get along real good with his wife. They were mostly just roomates. Then one day he had a stroke and now she takes good care of him. Good he did not throw her out, but hung in there with her, because it is paying off now. We may not like something somewhere about someone, but things have been known to change.