Help/Advice about sex in marriage

[john416]

My husband and I have been married for 2 and a half years now. Our sex life has changed a lot in that time, and I need advice from some like-minded people about our problem. I am always very eager to engage in intimacy with him, but he never wants to reciprocate. I try very hard to accept this, but it can get frustrating because it feels as though he doesn't want to give me intimacy in the same way I want to give him intimacy. This isn't an isolated incident, this has been a recurring theme over the past year. I am beginning to dread nighttime where we go to bed together, and every time I try to talk with him about this issue, he makes me feel as though I'm forcing him into a sexual act that he doesn't want. Is there anything that anyone on here has found to help curb a female libido so that I stop having this problem with my husband? I'm so afraid that this problem is going to grow and really affect our marriage.

 

[citizenthom]

For clarification: is the disagreement about a specific act, or does he refuse to take steps to satisfy you sexually period?

 

[john416]

For clarification: is the disagreement about a specific act, or does he refuse to take steps to satisfy you sexually period?

He does not want to engage in any effort specifically for my pleasure. Our intimacy is 100% focused on his needs.

 

[citizenthom]

He does not want to engage in any effort specifically for my pleasure. Our intimacy is 100% focused on his needs.

Well, then let's start with the Biblical answer: he is wrong, plain and simple. Scripture consistently teaches that sexual pleasure in marriage is to be mutual. The wife's body belongs to the husband, and the husband's body to the wife.

Now there is a question in my mind whether your husband has ever had this teaching impressed upon him because it is not broached nearly enough toward Christian men, that women have sexual needs and they have a duty to meet them. Did the two of you go through premarital counseling? If so is the pastor or other trusted person who did the counseling available to you and your husband? If so I would approach that person and explain the situation and ask him to intervene on your behalf. This is a truth a man will almost certainly receive better from another man than from his wife (sorry, we are sort of programmed that way).

I would also highly recommend to both of you a pair of books on marital intimacy: She Comes First, which is targeted to men, and He Comes First, which is targeted to women. I believe there are study guides out there that you can use to go through the books together. I emphasize doing such a study as a couple instead of just demanding he "read up": there may be issues he is going through sexually that one or both of you do not properly recognize that you need to work through together, and vice-versa.

Above all eschew all thought of "lowering your libido." A wife with a libido should be a blessing to a husband. But he has to recognize it means more work on his part--work that he should, in time, come to enjoy doing, even if he is not programmed to do so now.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well thats common, for whatever reason alot of guys only think about getting their "peak" and forget the women have them to. I hear it all the time from couples. And its even worse for the woman who is just as high driven as her husband. Tell him "What if I peaked every time before you, then I stopped so you couldn't reach your peak? Would you be happy about that after awhile?". Odds are he would say no. For some men they don't even know how to get a woman to that peak place. They have to be taught. But for others its just plain selfishness. BTW most husbands should be thankful if the wife has a higher or matching libido then them. Lets face it, sex is bonding. But if one person isn't getting the satisfaction then the bond is not being made.

 

[kristine403]

Hi, your husband is very lucky to have a wife like you. Because if you are going to make some research, most of the women that are already married does not want making love most of the time due to so many reasons. You are not one of them and your husband is again lucky. Maybe you should try to talk to him about it but pray first before doing some talking. Let me also share here with you a site I have been using to track my ovulation period and I hope it could also help you track your safe days, good luck. http://www.ovulation-predictor.org/ovulation/

 

[98cwitr]

1. Dont ever curb your libido.
2. Find out the root cause...something else is up
3. When I don't feel "in the mood" it's usually because of something at work
4. Is your husband a Christian? How is he melding with your walk with Christ?
5. Does he watch inappropriate content?
6. Is there any possibility of another woman?
7. Find these things out before perusing intimacy.
8. How is your communication going in your marriage?

I don't ask these things to discourage you, but only as you to consider all possibilities.

 

[98cwitr]

He does not want to engage in any effort specifically for my pleasure. Our intimacy is 100% focused on his needs.

Honestly, as a man, I resent this statement (if I am understanding it correctly). I want my wife to be as fully engaged and wanting of affection, intimacy, and pleasure as I am. Intimacy is a two-way street with equal speed limits.

 

[Darkhorse]

And don't discuss these things in the bedroom!

Bedrooms are for fun and sleeping; find someplace else to talk about problems.

 

[98cwitr]

Wow...I do a lot of talking in there. Should I stop?!

 

[Darkhorse]

"Experts" say it's best to have difficult discussions somewhere other than the bedroom, so that the bedroom isn't associated with conflict.

They also advise insomniacs to get out of bed and do something until they get tired, rather than lie awake for hours.

(Your Mileage May Vary)