God failed me

[heron]

I'm taking this temporarily off topic:

this "thing" climbs on me, it jumps on my bed, it caresses me purposely, and I have had a conversation with "it" before, no voices, just physical contact, and when I pray against it, it hits me vehemently. its like having an inconvenient invisible conjoined twin. i can't seem to get rid of it. thats why i think it is spiritual. but i am going to my primary doctor, maybe i can get a referral to see a psychiatrist, I would rather put my faith in God though, only my faith hasn't seemed to work.

you think i should tell my family, my friends, my church? okay, they don't even believe in deliverance, and my friend and i were watching a movie where a christian girl was raped, he mentioned that he didn't think the girl was really a christian because she was raped and God wouldn't have allowed that to happen to a christian. how am i supposed to explain what is happening to me? to think that my friend, or family are any less christians becuase of what they believe or feel is to be judgemental, so i must go through this on my own.

sometimes i lose purpose of what i am searching for, i honestly don't know. i just want to know, if i am doing something wrong, maybe if i start doing it right... so swill8295, i guess you do have a point.

but couldn't there an explanation for what is happening to me? and if i did or i'm doing something wrong, i simply want to correct it. thats all.

Imm, I have found that the best way to handle this type of odd attacks, is to vigorously hunt for people who understand what you're talking about. If you know of anyone, no matter how experienced, who believes in deliverance or has been involved in it before, it will do you far more good than talking with twenty ministers who don't.

There is usually more harm done that good to tell people who won't understand it, until you know more and have defined it.

If you wander around the forum, you will find that attacks like this are extremely common and very real. I run across new stories here every day.

Remember that, whether you believe in supernatural extras or not, Jesus sent His disciples out with authority over them. That means that you have every right and power to use Jesus' name to rebuke them. Tell them out loud that they have no right to be there. (Whether you feel they do or not).

In fact... let's do it now. In the name of Jesus Christ, Son of the Almighty God, no deceiving or harrassing spirits have a right to hang out in Imm's house and life. You must leave now, and not return. You will not leave a destructive path in your wake.

No weapon formed against imm will prosper.

 

[Wordgazer]

you think i should tell my family, my friends, my church? okay, they don't even believe in deliverance, and my friend and i were watching a movie where a christian girl was raped, he mentioned that he didn't think the girl was really a christian because she was raped and God wouldn't have allowed that to happen to a christian. how am i supposed to explain what is happening to me? to think that my friend, or family are any less christians becuase of what they believe or feel is to be judgemental, so i must go through this on my own.

Wow. I'm not sure how anyone could take a stance like that about rape, or about what God must or must not do. . . In order not to be judgmental, I must believe that your friend really must not understand. Such a stance, though, is not helpful at all to anyone who has ever had a sexual crime committed against her. All I can say is you can never have too many friends, so connecting with some who will support you is important. I also understand that this is easier said than done.

I still believe that you shouldn't be going through this alone. So I agree with Heron-- you must find people who will understand, who won't put either God or you in a box, who will accept and believe what you're saying. I really don't have any idea whether what you're experiencing is spiritual, medical, or some of both, but your mention of suicide and wanting to die frightens and concerns me. Please don't give up. We are all pulling for you.

I also believe that God has not failed you, though I can see how much it feels like that. He's going to get you through this in His own way, in His timing.

 

[swill8295]

I'm not a deliverance minister, but I do know from what I've learned in the past few weeks is that satan thrives off of people who have switched their focus to him instead of God. If you fear satan, you gain nothing. If you fear the Lord, you gain wisdom. When I speak of fearing satan, I mean to fear anyone but God, not just some cartoon character with horns. It's basically a war against your flesh and God, but there are dangerous spiritual hosts that roam around attempting to put people over the edge who aren't paying attention. I've had strange spiritual manifestations, often coming as clicks in the walls, or angry attacks without cause right before I wake up. Something I've noticed is that the attacks are flesh based, meaning that they are tactically placed, purposely so you won't notice that there's a way out if you go by the desires of the flesh. Like if I have problems with eating too much food when it is around and have shown that weakness quite a bit in the past, and there just so happens to be tons of food upstairs where I work (donuts, cakes, pies, soda pop, cheese, crackers, etc.), I will get spiritually attacked by things that aren't too far of from what you've described. What these spirits attempt to do though is make me fear the fear of fears, or fear losing my salvation, or that I'm the devil, or the apocalypse, or the rapture, or hell, or what people think about me, or if I'm going to lose my job. If I focus on these fears, I can easily be caused to pig out on food, or even sleep with women just to instantly satisfy these fears or distract myself from myself (not that I've slept with any women yet). That's why it says do not lean on your own understanding, but acknowledge the Lord in all your ways. If there's one way that you're not acknowledging the Lord, spirits will hammer you and try to make it master you. If I don't acknowledge the Lord even while I'm drinking coffee everyday, I could lose track and be mastered by coffee. Literally, I would drink so much coffee and replace God with coffee, if the Lord weren't in control. So I have to understand my own weaknesses. But anyhow, before I go off the point, it says somewhere in the bible something to the extent of being aware and vigilant, because the devil prowls around like a lion ready to tear up whoever he can (that's not exactly it, but you get the point).

Speak of the devil, just a few minutes ago after I wrote this post, I observed that I was receiving a minor attack to get me to eat food upstairs. When I got on the elevator, some lady talked to me. When I got off the elevator, some guy said something under his breath which sounded like "he's an idiot". That upset me, and when I walked in immediately to deliver mail, I saw cake, punch, and candy laying out. If you knew me, you would know that I can't be having that stuff because I've gained alot of weight. I almost ate the food because I was upset, but caught myself. Then when I went upstairs another floor to deliver mail, I was waiting for a guy to get a package ready for me. This was a guy I was worried about not liking me, so I wasn't focused on the devices of the devil at all. I was so nervous and had time to get almost frantic about what I thought he thought about me or how he was going to talk to me, plus there was a new guy there that I wasn't sure liked me or not, that when he offered me a cookie, I took it. I didn't need a cookie at all. Sugar makes my joints swell up and makes me miserable a lot of the time, but I took a cookie because I was afraid of him not liking me. Then I realized what I had fallen for after it was too late. And if there is an excellent opportunity for me to do something very bad, something even more bizarre might happen. I might get attacked by spirits telling me that I'm Moses, satan, or even Jesus. Even though these voices attack my fears and make me nuts, they have a fleshy purpose. I'm more likely to go out and have a drink if I have voices telling me crazy things. But ultimately, once you know what the spirits are trying to do, they have to stop for a while and devise a new plan.

 

[heron]

If you fear satan, you gain nothing. If you fear the Lord, you gain wisdom.

There is strength in that.

Wow. I'm not sure how anyone could take a stance like that about rape, or about what God must or must not do.

Absolutely. As for being exempt from harm, things happened to the patriarchs of the Bible, too.

coming as clicks in the walls, or angry attacks without cause right before I wake up. ...the attacks are flesh based, meaning that they are tactically placed, purposely so you won't notice that there's a way out if you go by the desires of the flesh....make me fear the fear of fears

Yes --- feeling inevitably stuck.

Sugar makes my joints swell up

Really!

and makes me miserable a lot of the time, but I took a cookie because I was afraid of him not liking me.

I think a lot of people eat with social motivations like that.

 

[Wordgazer]

I wanted to mention that I'm going out of town for about a week and will have no internet access, so my silence should not be interpreted as not caring or anything. . . I will keep you in my prayers, IMM.

 

[sweets3000]

I, too, think that you may be depressed, sometimes depression has psychotic elements to it (not meant to insult, its just terminology representing a physical imbalance in chemicals).... Seek a counselor, and cling to God. This may be your "thorn", and in the end, when we stand before God and give an account of our lives at judgment, we will understand better why God allowed us to go through certain things on Earth. OUr thorns keep us close to him....one day you will be thanking him deeply for that which now seems like a torment.

If this is Satanic influence, you do need to seek deliverance.

 

[SingingforJesus]

I just saw this post and wanted to reply. Sorry if this is long, but I just want to share what I've been through and maybe bring some incouragement and such. Sorry..didn't read through all the 5 pages...so I'm just replying based on what was first said here.
I understand how you are feeling. I have gone through alot and it has always seemed that no matter how hard I try, nothing seems to work out. Other people I know..people I graduated with...other Christians...they seem to succeed at what they do..they seem to have a good life...they don't seem to not have the struggles that I do. Other Christians seem to know what they are supposed to do in their life and have the talents and what they need to do it and they seem to have joy and peace and contentment. But, no matter what it seems I don't have the joy, peace, contentment, or success. I can't seem to have the talent to do what I believe I've been called to do (come to believe this through several confirmations, people speaking it over me and such)...so I keep praying, believing, and waiting, even though it isn't happening yet and it's hard at times.
But, through it all, I've learned some things. I've come to learn that had I not gone through all that I have, I would not have come to trust in God. I would not have the faith that I have now or be who I am today. It's through all of this I have learned to appreciate everything that I have rather then looking at what I don't have. I have grown so much, matured, learned to have patience that I have never had much of.
I've also learned to count it all joy as one of Susie Luchsinger's songs say...count it all joy, this trial you're in, God is just working on you from within, He's letting patience have it's perfect work in you, to make you more like Him when it is through (this is based on James 1:2-4). I've found this to be so true.
There's never any reason to lose faith or trust in God. It doesn't matter what you're going through..it doesn't matter how bad things may seem...it doesn't matter if nothing seems to change...all that matters is God's love. He loves each and every one of us no matter who we are or what we have done and He is there for us all, waiting and wanting to help us...but we have to ask for His help and have faith and trust in Him that He will. God said He will never leave you or forsake you...so no matter what, He's always with you and always loves you. He will provide for your needs. Things will get better...it may not be today...may not be tomorrow...may not even be this year...but it will happen. It is all God's timing and He's always right on time.
He knows what's best for us and althrough we may not see it now as we go through struggles and trials, when things do get better we will see that God was right on time. We will see that we had to go through it and there was a reason for it...everything happens for a reason and although we may not see it, God knows what's best for us and if we allow Him to be in control of
God still sits on the throne...each and every one of us is going through hard times right now, but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can. Keep your eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith~He is trustworthy!

 

[gabrielListens]

Believing that one can be content in life, based on their earthly lives and their earthly circumstances, is being fooled by the devil. True contentment comes from true faith. When one truly believes that God will pull them through any circumstance, there is peace dwelling in that soul. Just look at the lives of the saints/apostles. Their lives were difficult and they were persecuted, exiled, judged, tortured and even suffered painful deaths, but they knew that the Lord was with them and knew that God was always in control, and that Heaven awaited them in the end. That is how they remained peaceful and filled with the spirit even through the toughest trials.


1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.


As followers of Jesus, we must learn to blindly trust in the Lord through every storm no matter how bad the storm is. We must focus on our faith and in living as examples so that we may be a light unto all who know us.

When times are tough, remember that God is in complete control, and He will both protect you and deliver you, His faithful servant, from your troubles (when the time is right). Remember, God is never late.

Some scriptures to help get you through the tough times...

John12:25
He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.


Matthew 16:24
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."


Romans 8:9-10
But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His. And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.

May the grace of Our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Amen.

gabriel

 

[MoNiCa4316]

Imm, I'm sure that God hasn't failed you! Don't give up! He never said it would be easy, but it is so worth it. lol I know that's hard to believe, at a time like this. I'll pray for you!
You said that you see people who look happy and content with life. Well...often I come across that way too, but in reality I worry a lot and have lots of problems I'm sorting out. I have no idea what you're going through, so I hope I don't sound presumptious. But there was a time when I felt like God wasn't helping me as much as He was helping others. I wanted to serve Him better, I wanted more friends, I wanted to know His will for my life, etc. And I just felt like maybe I'm just doing something wrong. But then, I realized...all this time, I was begging God for more grace, more blessings, that He would change me, etc. But at the time, God just wanted me to realize that He is the greatest treasure. Not what He could give me. I realized that..even if I have nothing, except Jesus who died for my sins, it would be enough. And when I believed this, I felt so blessed! There are people who are lost in their sin, I am forgiven. I have God. And when I stopped wanting anything else, He blessed me with great friends, guidance, joy, strength, etc.
Life still gets hard sometimes, but now I know that He could help me.
Again, I don't know anything about your situation, but I hope this has helped a bit.
Don't give up! Jesus didn't die so that we would not suffer, but so that our suffering might be like His. And then our joy would be like His also. He understands your situation perfectly, and I hope you also find some people to talk to who have went through the same thing.

God bless

monica

 

[imm]

Thanks guys. I don't think (anymore) that God failed me. I just don't understand what he wants from me and I would rather not live life than have to struggle and suffer to find out. but it seems i don't have that choice. I have hope and I have faith but it's not enough, it's not. Thanks again

 

[mezyel]

you seemed to be my boyfriend but you knwo what i know God is there for you you said that you feel spiritual uncomfortable because you are looking to people look to God you Dont need to compare yourself to others God deals with people differently... in his ways he deal with each of us... you might say if only materials things that would be ok not it wont!!!! human have no satisfaction we hunger for more most of the time.

 

[silentpoet]

Thanks guys. I don't think (anymore) that God failed me. I just don't understand what he wants from me and I would rather not live life than have to struggle and suffer to find out. but it seems i don't have that choice. I have hope and I have faith but it's not enough, it's not. Thanks again

The best we can do is the next one step. We can't walk a thousand miles in a second. Just take a small step in whatever direction you think best. Just like we can't walk those thousand miles, we can't know the next thousand days or even much beyond the next minute(and even then it is suspect). But we take even the smallest steps in faith and do our best.

Even Moses was not really told the whole story. God spoke to him out of the burning bush. But what God told Him was just a broad overview or a general direction of travel. God did not give Moses a complete road map. I don't know if Moses would have gone back to Egypt had he known the whole story of the exodus ahead of time. I know I sure would have thought twice, burning bush or not.

About the only person I can think of who ever fully knew His future was Jesus. Yet even one piece of the future was withheld from Him(time of His return). The prophets may have known bits and pieces of their future or their mission, but they were not given the whole purpose all at once.

 

[west2east]

I read your honest statement and see it as a call for help. I for one appreciate your honesty. You are not alone in feeling that God has failed. I understand those who cling to the Word of God, who probably at times have wondered where God is in the midst of their pain. Pain and suffering are probably the greatest tests of our faith. At the same time, I see nothing wrong with taking God at his 'word. Psalm 103, says He forgives all our sins and heals ALL our diseases. So why are there sick Christians? I don't know. But I still believe in Him. Most of us are afraid to say God has not lived up to his promise. I have been angry with God and even wondered why He even created humans... what a mess I have thought. I keep coming back to the fact that I do believe. The Christian faith to me rings true, despite the gross failings of the church and the fact that I don't understand God's plan from beginning to end. We didn't ask to be born into the middle of a fallen world, but nevertheless we are in it. We have to learn to fight and how to run into the tower of the Name of the Lord to find rest. When I read the Psalms I see David being honest and often think he was truly depressed. Elijah thought he was the only believer left and I am sure wondered why the evil queen Jezibel was allowed to live and level threats of murder at him. It certainly appears that he was depressed. It also takes a fair amount of bravery on your part to be honest and post your call for help on a public forum. Unfortunately, there are some cruel people in this world. Father forgive them for they know not what they do. From what I have come to know about our Savior I with all my heart believe that he wants to comfort you. He usually does this through the Body of Christ. Galatians 6 encourages those who are "spiritual" to restore those who have fallen.. but not all are spiritual, many are carnal and have no business posting rebukes towards someone who is obviously hurting so much. I will pray for you and do suggest that you see if a physical-chemical based depression is a factor in how you are feeling. Jesus loves you.

 

[west2east]

I fully agree with heron. Find someone who understands. Most of the church, I fear, is ignorant about mental health issues and can do little more than make up an answer based upon what they haver heard others say to them in their troubles. These pat answers, in my experience don't do much good.

I'm taking this temporarily off topic:
Imm, I have found that the best way to handle this type of odd attacks, is to vigorously hunt for people who understand what you're talking about. If you know of anyone, no matter how experienced, who believes in deliverance or has been involved in it before, it will do you far more good than talking with twenty ministers who don't.

There is usually more harm done that good to tell people who won't understand it, until you know more and have defined it.

If you wander around the forum, you will find that attacks like this are extremely common and very real. I run across new stories here every day.

Remember that, whether you believe in supernatural extras or not, Jesus sent His disciples out with authority over them. That means that you have every right and power to use Jesus' name to rebuke them. Tell them out loud that they have no right to be there. (Whether you feel they do or not).

In fact... let's do it now. In the name of Jesus Christ, Son of the Almighty God, no deceiving or harrassing spirits have a right to hang out in Imm's house and life. You must leave now, and not return. You will not leave a destructive path in your wake.

No weapon formed against imm will prosper.

 

[CalebTumanako]

I am finally willing to admit it that God failed me. I try to dwell on the song that “he has promised he will never fail” but I realize now that there is no denying it, God failed me.

I look at people around me, in church, at work, my family, everywhere, somehow they seem to have grasped the meaning of life, they go to work, they have friends, they come to church, and they are content. They have balanced their desire and their needs with the will of God. I wish I could to that too; my desire is to do the will of God, my need is to know him more, my hope is for a relationship with him, somehow though, I hang, unbalanced.

I know what I should do though; I have heard it said a million, no, billion, times. “Fast and pray”, “God’s time is the best”, “he is always there”, and my favorite, “he loves you, always, no matter what”. I believe all of that, I really do, otherwise I would have given up long ago. Actually, I confess, I have given up before but I came back. I came back and now, it hurts even more. It hurts because I can’t give up again, I read my bible and I see what the lord did for Abraham, for Isaac, for Jacob, for Job, for Daniel, for Esther, for David, For Ruth, For Elijah, for those three guys he saved from the furnace, for Jonah. I read the book of Lamentations and I know hope is all I have left, that hasn’t failed me. So I fast, and I pray, and I cry, oh how I sob, I go to church everyday of the week, I go for night vigils, I go for Christian concerts, I listen to Christian music, I have a song for every unfortunate situation, I am rich in Christ I tell myself, I have strength that God has given me, I am here today because of God’s grace. I dwell on the bible passages “ask and ye shall receive”, “seek ye first the kingdom of God and everything else shall be added unto you”, “Oh that you would bless me oh lord and increase my territory”, “Only by the grace of God are we saved”, need I continue?

I wish all that was wrong were just the physical things, the material things. If I didn’t get into the medical school of my choice, if I didn’t have a job, if I didn’t have a family, if I didn’t have money, or food to eat, or a room I can call home, if I didn’t have any of these, then I could join other people suffering and I could really then have faith that God’s plan is the best. But that’s not it. Mine is spiritual, or is it? I try to figure out a way to explain it, but I know, oh how I have learnt, that this, this can only be understood by God. I have gone to deliverance ministers to no avail. I ask the ever evasive question, Lord, why me? I would give everything up in a heartbeat, everything, my family, my job, medical school, my friends, anything you want God, anything. I made pledges, I even redeemed them, but my miracle, my testimonies, still yet to come. Was it too much to ask, how can it be? Who else can I turn to?

I know God uses trials to bring us closer to him, I welcome them. If the result of trials is a closer relationship with God, then why does it seem that my only option is to cop out? I have run out of prayers, I have run out of Shepard, my only request now is quite simple. It involves nothing, it requires nothing, and no one gets hurt, not even me.
I wake up every morning and go to bed at night with the same mustard seed faith. This mustard seed gives me faith just enough to hope and hope enough to hurt. Please save me... or not.

I am struggling through the same thing, you kno hat I've noticed? e are in a ar. Some of us are aare, some of us are not. You kno ho you said you look at other Christians and they all seem content, could it be that perhaps e are listening to the wrong influence? I mean, hat a lie if something is telling you, "look at ho perfect all these Christians are", rebuke all of this right no in Jesus' name.

You kno hat God has in store for us for our love and our faith in his Son, Jesus Christ? No eye has seen, no ear heard the things God has in store for his people.

I have been struggling and I ent to a minister, he told me to peserve. God told him that I as his beloved son and told me to peserve. I look at that and I say, o. God of the universe has told me to peserve, he told me that I'm his beloved son. And you kno hat? You are his beloved son too! e are brothers!

Haha!

So my brother, think of it like this. You are a man, a brother of mine, think of yourself in a ar - the greatest ar in the Universe and e are in the trenches, ith our hole armor of God on, equipped ith the Sords of the Spirit, our to-edged sords. Some of us still have it sheathed, some of us have it armed but either ay, e look out for our brothers in the ar. hen e are ounded, e ask God to help us so e can edify each other and allo God to mend our ounds. Some of us are alking around ith gashes, some of us are alking around ithout limbs but e remember, e fight for a cause, e defend for a cause, e give our lives for a cause and that cause is the Jesus ho came in the flesh. The Jesus that Paul preached. Jesus Christ of Naareth, our Lord and Saviour.

Even hen I type these ords, it feels more poerful than anything physical I have been trhough. Any fight I have been through physically, these ords of encouragement to you mean and feel alot more than this. This is because e are in a spiritual fight.

And Can I say?

Let's go and conquer this land.

The Lord God is always with us in battle. hen I get hit, he is there to dress my ounds. Let us kno that the battle has been orn and e must persevere against an enemy ho is defeated yet is a liar and ants nothing to get rid of us but it aint happening in Jesus name.

God bless, brother.

 

[Johnnz]

I am finally willing to admit it that God failed me. I try to dwell on the song that “he has promised he will never fail” but I realize now that there is no denying it, God failed me.
God bless, brother.

Without trying to deny your personal pain there are some things about God that don't fit too well with our consumer based concepts. I have been reading Zechariah. There were several prophecies given to the returning exiles to encourage them. But many if not most of them never lived to see them fulfilled. Some still have not been fulfilled as far as a reading of the text indicates. It seems that might be fulfilled when Jesus returns.

There is a vastness and mystery about God that we need to recognise. We cannot expect God to fit neatly into our limited capacity to comprehend Him.

John
NZ

 

[Mcrfan343]

Wow, this thread is ancient.

 

[GreatSpeckledBird]

ADDING W'S HELPS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT HE WROTE

So my brother, think of it like this. You are a man, a brother of mine, think of yourself in a ar - the greatest ar in the Universe and e are in the trenches, ith our hole armor of God on, equipped ith the Sords of the Spirit, our to-edged sords. Some of us still have it sheathed, some of us have it armed but either ay, e look out for our brothers in the ar. hen e are ounded, e ask God to help us so e can edify each other and allo God to mend our ounds. Some of us are alking around ith gashes, some of us are alking around ithout limbs but e remember, e fight for a cause, e defend for a cause, e give our lives for a cause and that cause is the Jesus ho came in the flesh. The Jesus that Paul preached. Jesus Christ of Naareth, our Lord and Saviour.



God bless, brother.

Absolutely, we shouldn't think of ourselves as in a war , we ARE IN A WAR! The War of wars! The war of ages the ultimate war for all mankind! We are soldiers in the army of the Lord and we must get some athletic spiritual pluck as Oswald Chambers would say and start fighting these battles. We have strong, dark spiritual entities who are warring against us, Our Lord and the hosts of heaven. Ask God to show us how to fight today, what to pray, what to do, what to say! Pray for the Father's most glorious will to be done on earth today! Pray for the advancement of the Kingdom of God. Claim and lay hold of victory on this earth for the Kingdom of our Lord! Hallelujah!

 

[esther Raja]

God failed me.

I am finally willing to admit it that God failed me. I try to dwell on the song that “he has promised he will never fail” but I realize now that there is no denying it, God failed me.

I look at people around me, in church, at work, my family, everywhere, somehow they seem to have grasped the meaning of life, they go to work, they have friends, they come to church, and they are content. They have balanced their desire and their needs with the will of God. I wish I could to that too; my desire is to do the will of God, my need is to know him more, my hope is for a relationship with him, somehow though, I hang, unbalanced.

I know what I should do though; I have heard it said a million, no, billion, times. “Fast and pray”, “God’s time is the best”, “he is always there”, and my favorite, “he loves you, always, no matter what”. I believe all of that, I really do, otherwise I would have given up long ago. Actually, I confess, I have given up before but I came back. I came back and now, it hurts even more. It hurts because I can’t give up again, I read my bible and I see what the lord did for Abraham, for Isaac, for Jacob, for Job, for Daniel, for Esther, for David, For Ruth, For Elijah, for those three guys he saved from the furnace, for Jonah. I read the book of Lamentations and I know hope is all I have left, that hasn’t failed me. So I fast, and I pray, and I cry, oh how I sob, I go to church everyday of the week, I go for night vigils, I go for Christian concerts, I listen to Christian music, I have a song for every unfortunate situation, I am rich in Christ I tell myself, I have strength that God has given me, I am here today because of God’s grace. I dwell on the bible passages “ask and ye shall receive”, “seek ye first the kingdom of God and everything else shall be added unto you”, “Oh that you would bless me oh lord and increase my territory”, “Only by the grace of God are we saved”, need I continue?

I wish all that was wrong were just the physical things, the material things. If I didn’t get into the medical school of my choice, if I didn’t have a job, if I didn’t have a family, if I didn’t have money, or food to eat, or a room I can call home, if I didn’t have any of these, then I could join other people suffering and I could really then have faith that God’s plan is the best. But that’s not it. Mine is spiritual, or is it? I try to figure out a way to explain it, but I know, oh how I have learnt, that this, this can only be understood by God. I have gone to deliverance ministers to no avail. I ask the ever evasive question, Lord, why me? I would give everything up in a heartbeat, everything, my family, my job, medical school, my friends, anything you want God, anything. I made pledges, I even redeemed them, but my miracle, my testimonies, still yet to come. Was it too much to ask, how can it be? Who else can I turn to?

I know God uses trials to bring us closer to him, I welcome them. If the result of trials is a closer relationship with God, then why does it seem that my only option is to cop out? I have run out of prayers, I have run out of Shepard, my only request now is quite simple. It involves nothing, it requires nothing, and no one gets hurt, not even me.
I wake up every morning and go to bed at night with the same mustard seed faith. This mustard seed gives me faith just enough to hope and hope enough to hurt. Please save me... or not.

 

[esther Raja]

I also feel hopeless. God has failed me w/ my medical boards now its too late.

I understand, imm. I went through not just a storm, but 15 years of constant storm after storm...never letting up but for a moment so that I could barley catch my breath. I held my faith for so long. i looked to Christ to be my rock through it all. then, at the end, I said what you are saying now. God, I can't anymore. i don't even know if i am really hearing you. I don't know if you are even real. Yet, I pushed through. The greater the trial, the greater the reward.
I can't even begin to tell you how blessed I am now. God IS faithful...I am a testimony to that! If it can happen to me, why can't it happen to you. I am no one special. None

of us are. When I finally realized that it has nothing to do with me, then that is when i got it. I know we all say this, we all now the right scriptures and inspirational "pick me ups" one would say. But, when we are all alone, one on one with God, that is when we need to be truthful, not to Him, but to ourselves.

By the way, I am signing with a record label to produce my first CD and book. I dream I have had since i was 4 years old. I am not 33 and never really thought it would happen. I started to doubt if i ever really herd God. If He can do it for me, again I ask, what makes you any different?