1. Welcome to Christian Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Christianity in a friendly surrounding.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting after you have posted 20 posts and have received 5 likes.
    • Access to private conversations with other members.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!

  2. Please check out our two newest forums, the "Buy, Sell or Trade" (link ) forum in the Society Category, and the "Conspiracy Theories" (link) forum in our Discussion and Debate Category.

"Girl."

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by LovebirdsFlying, Aug 24, 2011.

  1. LovebirdsFlying

    LovebirdsFlying My husband drew this cartoon of me. Staff Member Supervisor Supporter

    Messages:
    16,397
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Others
    Faith:
    Christian
    That word pretty much says it all. I've just had a spat with my mother (it's well known around here that I don't exactly get along with her) because she commented on one of my Facebook photos, a picture of me alone, "happy girl." One would think that at 47 I have earned the right by now to be called a woman. Behind this is the fact that if left unchecked, she will:

    1. Hold my hand when we cross the street.
    2. Supervise my choices if we are grocery shopping together.
    3. Rearrange my home without my permission. (Making suggestions is one thing, coming in and doing it behind my back is quite another.)
    4. Tell me what clothes to wear.

    Etc.

    So "girl" was the straw that broke the camel's back. She apologized after I took offense, but as is typical for her, she can never apologize without criticizing me in return, suggesting that nobody else would have been offended. (Which, of course, makes it me being hypersensitive, not her being belittling.) By the way, I checked with Mike, and he says he hasn't been called a "boy" since he actually was one. I've just spent several days on vacation with his mother, and I know she doesn't still try to run his life.

    Your thoughts please?
     
  2. dorig59

    dorig59 Senior Veteran

    Messages:
    4,939
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Republican
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational
    Well, I wouldn't normally say that that would be something to get so upset about but you say you have a history of problems? Are you sure she wasn't just being sort of nostalgic & happy that you're so happy? I don't know her so I dunno.
     
  3. LovebirdsFlying

    LovebirdsFlying My husband drew this cartoon of me. Staff Member Supervisor Supporter

    Messages:
    16,397
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Others
    Faith:
    Christian
    If it weren't for all the other evidence that she doesn't consider me a competent adult woman, I probably wouldn't have objected so strongly. Nostalgia or not, I am no longer a "girl" and haven't been for some time. :)

    Honestly, it's offended me almost since the day I turned 18, and you'd think a mother would know something like that by now. The fact that she continues to call me "girl" shows me that not only does she not acknowledge my adulthood, but she also doesn't give belly button lint for how I feel about it. As stated, even in her apology she had to criticize me along with it. She stated that she herself would not object to being called a girl, and she doesn't think my late grandmother would have either. My late grandmother once hit the ceiling because when she answered the phone at the business she and my grandfather jointly owned, the customer took her for a secretary and immediately asked to talk to Mr. S---. When my grandfather refused to turn the job down on the grounds that the customer had insulted her, she threatened divorce. But no, being called a girl instead of a grown woman wouldn't have bothered her?

    Yet I do know that there are women in their 40's and 50's who say, "Oh, please, let me still be a girl." Are there other women here like me, who object to it? Men, do you ever get called a boy? If you were, would it offend you?
     
  4. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

    Messages:
    24,456
    Likes Received:
    136
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Charismatic
    You will always be her child. Maybe giving her some latitude in this would be wise.
     
    Cookieboo likes this.
  5. LovebirdsFlying

    LovebirdsFlying My husband drew this cartoon of me. Staff Member Supervisor Supporter

    Messages:
    16,397
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Others
    Faith:
    Christian
    You're not incorrect, and many people feel the same way. I wouldn't treat my grown daughters like that (using juvenile terms to describe them, or trying to make life decisions for them) and they are 27 and 25. But then, not everyone does as I do.
     
  6. WolfGate

    WolfGate Senior Member

    Messages:
    2,238
    Likes Received:
    61
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Christian
    Lovebirdsflying - you have a history that makes some things different from me, and yes, I agree your mother should (assuming you've been clear) have known not to say that. You also asked if I would be offended if someone called me a boy. Unless the context was clear it was meant to be insulting, then no, I would not. Maybe it's a regional thing again, but it is not uncommon for people raised around here to use "boy" and "girl" for anyone - particularly younger. (Even the 70 year old lady referencing her 55 year old doctor as a boy or girl).

    Professionally I travel with work a lot around the country. Outside aquantances I know here locally, I would never use "boy" or "girl" because I realize our area is not universal.

    My 10 year old son, however, is wanting to be called "big man" right now, which makes me laugh.
     
  7. roseread

    roseread Newbie

    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational
    I lost my parents in a car accident about 9 years ago. I would love to have my mom hold my hand when I cross the street. I would love to have her make silly comments on face book. I would love to have my parents call me "girl." My parents would never see my son. When I was pregnant with him I didn't have a mom to turn too. Be happy and blessed that you still have your mom.
     
  8. cobweb

    cobweb Cranky octogenarian at heart

    Messages:
    3,939
    Likes Received:
    33
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Eastern-Orthodox
    My mom still refers to me as her "girl". My grandmother refers to Mom that way too.

    I can see why some of the other things might be upsetting, but I'm not getting the "girl" thing.
     
  9. theWaris1

    theWaris1 Seeking

    Messages:
    597
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marital Status:
    Private
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational
    I went through years of verbal abuse from my Dad. He thought it was his job to tell me how to act, how to live and what I'm doing wrong every moment I was near him and all his life.
    He made up reasons to insult me. That brought much unhappiness to my life all the years I was around him and I remained as far from him as possible.
    Manipulation was his favorite tool.
    He would say "be a man... bla bla blah" if we disagreed on things. He as always insulting.
    His last words to me before he passed were complaining that I only came to see him because he was dying. Years of trying to change him and get along better were ineffective. I had been taking the man to Doctors just before he passed so his final comment had no logic behind it.


    Some people just don't think much about the meaning of words which wasn't my Dads problem.
    My Dad was a bully growing up. Mom would just toss comments around with no thought to them which were offensive to people at times.

    Forgiveness is hard but continuing to put up with insulting people is even harder.
     
  10. LovebirdsFlying

    LovebirdsFlying My husband drew this cartoon of me. Staff Member Supervisor Supporter

    Messages:
    16,397
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Others
    Faith:
    Christian
    Roseread, if I'd had a decent mother like yours apparently was, I might be.

    Waris, thank you for that. I have often been told to be glad I still have my mother, but I don't understand why, just because someone else had good parents and lost them, I must be glad to have a woman in my life who constantly belittles and even abuses me. "Girl" doesn't begin to scratch the surface. I'm talking about the entire gamut, from slaps in the face to sitting back and letting the numerous men in her life (almost all of them alcoholics) sexually molest me. I'm supposed to be glad for that?

    It is my therapist who suggests I should have very little contact with her. In his words, "Even when she thinks she's building you up, she's tearing you down." Anyone who treats me like I'm incompetent is not welcome in my life, even if half my DNA comes from her.
     
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2011
  11. CrystalBrooke

    CrystalBrooke I'm almost positive I don't care what you think

    Messages:
    14,380
    Likes Received:
    181
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Christian
    If you have such a bad relationship with her, why do you still allow her in your life? Either cut ties with her or accept that at her age the chances of her changing are slim to none.

    My MIL can be pretty over bearing at times, not abusive as your mother is/was, but she does like to try to tell my husband and I what to do, how to do it and when to do it. When I complain about being broke (like most adults do from time to time) the response I usually get is, "Well, you all are adults now." "You're all grown up now" ect...so I totally get how you'd be upset when you're mother treats you like a child.
     
  12. dallasapple

    dallasapple New Member

    Messages:
    9,894
    Likes Received:
    1
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Christian
    I agree..I think you ARE hypersensitive but I think you are that way for a reason..its your moms attitude and how she views you that would make 'girl" offensive to you .

    If my mother referred to me as "girl" or "happy girl"..with my history relatonship with MY mother I wouldnt be offended I would wonder if she was into the wine again..LOL!..She doesnt use a lot of terms of endearment.Seriously I woudl check the time and if it was say 3 am to 6 am I woudl just assume she got drunk.

    So when your mom says most woudlnt get offended..I would just agree with her..and say ...none of them have YOU for a mother and have my experiences..but many if they had a mother who treats me the way you do WOULD be offended.

    I understand what you mean by straw that broke your back..she TREATS you like a child..so "girl" really just reminds you how little respect she has for you as a WOMAN a 47 year old grown woman.

    For smeone else like I said..it might be touching for their mother to say "you will always be my baby girl"..for you its more like a nightmare.

    Just wanted you to know I get ya..

    Dallas
     
  13. c1ners

    c1ners Senior Contributor

    Messages:
    12,826
    Likes Received:
    132
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Christian
    (((((HUGS))))) you have a right to your feelings and don't allow anyone to make you think otherwise!
     
  14. roseread

    roseread Newbie

    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational
    Sorry if I offended you. I only knew what was in the first post you made.
     
  15. FaithPrevails

    FaithPrevails New Member

    Messages:
    41,451
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Republican
    Faith:
    Christian
    LbF, I think that the offense you take is because of the way you are treated by your mom. I still call other women "girl" from time to time, but it is always in a light-hearted/fun manner.

    You have assigned this word a more specific meaning due to the way your mom treats you.

    Grown women call their friends their "girls" or "girlfriends", right? It's not an offensive term unless it is used in a way to be offensive - such as what your mom does to you.

    I wouldn't be offended by my mom holding my hand to cross the street, unless she was doing it in a child-like manner. The other two examples would irritate me to no end.
     
  16. EmilyF

    EmilyF Vroom...

    Messages:
    404
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational
    :wave::wave::wave::wave:
    We must be sisters!
     
  17. JaneFW

    JaneFW New Member

    Messages:
    7,990
    Likes Received:
    29
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Christian
    I understand that you feel infantilized by your mother's use of the word "girl". If you have asked her not to do this, and she continues to do that, then of course it is offensive to you, especially coupled with her other behaviors which suggest that you are unable to function as an adult, and continue to need her "mothering". I forget her circumstances now, but is she alone in her part of the country? I know that you were concerned that she might move to your town, and there seems to be a sense there that she feels useless, and that the role of mother is one role that she clings to - exasperating though this is to you.

    I don't remember my mum referring to me as "girl" once I was past childhood. Like the other poster, I wish my mum was still here to call me anything at all, but I understand that this is not the same kind of relationship that you have with your mom. If my mum had been like that, I don't think I would have talked to her ever again once I left home, so you are much more forgiving than I would ever be.

    You can always block your mom from your FB page, change your phone number, and not give her your new address (I don't know if you are still moving or not). I have blocked people on FB that I did not want to interact with. These are pretty final things to do, because it's a pretty much in-your-face DONE/OVER/NO MORE. But it is an option.
     
  18. dallasapple

    dallasapple New Member

    Messages:
    9,894
    Likes Received:
    1
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Christian
    Also..I wanted to touch on what it a BIG part of the problem with your mother..its my pet peeve the "fake apology"..not the kind where someone says "sorry" in the grocery when they bump into you..Your mother in affect said SORRY that YOU have a problem..thats just drives ME insane.The point is shes NOT sorry for what she said..SHE doesnt get it..she doesnt even see how its wrong at all let alone how sensitive you are to it..Its an insult to the injury.

    I LIVE with a man who that is his staple excuse for anyting he does I find offensive..that its ME with the problem and hes "sorry for that..That also gives them some sort of PERMISSION it seems to continue doing or saying EXACTLY what they want..and you are the one thats supposed to "get over it".

    The whole idea of HYERSENSITIVITY is USED as an excuse IMHO by some to behave in a manner that is offensive repeatedly.Simply because they WANT to..they feel ENTITLED.

    My husband for ONE example..would make jokes of a sexual nature..ALL the time..some of them were SICK..I swear if I told this one I can remember here it would immediately be removed and not because of language..the idea of it is sick..But the bigger picture was too he related and seemed to be thinking about sex ALL the time..anyway ..I told him thats NOT funny to me..STOP saying those things..He would say sorry..then KEEP blurting stuff out..saying innaproprtiate stuff to the kids or in front of them(and grabbing at me too in front of them) etc..he never even seemed to notice OR CARE I was repulsed....or rolled my eyes and said "thats not funny" he just snickered and laughed..it wasnt just me that saw this or heard it....but NO ONE else was his main target..

    Anyway it reached a point YES if other people would say...gosh..my husband kids around with me like that.doesnt bother me.Or even I WISH my husband would say that to me..or do THAT to me..I was "blessed"(lucky) ...But I had explained to him..begged him(including this was a constant..the sheer VOLUME of the comments was overwhelming)..he continued..It was then ..a deliberate and intentional as far as IM concerend complete disregard for my feeelings..had NOTHING at that point really..not the main point anyway of the nature ..each individual remark..or action isolated wasnt the POINT.

    He then would look at me like I was CRAZY because I reached a point..I would get VERY aggitated..very upset.over something "small".and he would say...YOU are too sensitive..YOU cant take a joke..I was ONLY kidding..IM SORRY you cant 'take a joke'..Whats WRONG with me touching you ..I "cant help it" your HOT!

    Someone who didnt know the history..that was just an onlooker..would see him say something they tought was kind of funny..witty..and laugh.or 'sweet and affectionate".and Im sitting there saying THATS not FUNNY!! STOP sayign those things!!! I HATE when you do that!And I would look like the irrational "crazy" one to them..

    I was "hypersensitve" due to beign disrespected along the way when I tried to draw a boundery..I began to HATE anything related to it..and had a ZERO TOLERANCE for any of it.

    Dallas
     
    LovebirdsFlying likes this.
  19. LovebirdsFlying

    LovebirdsFlying My husband drew this cartoon of me. Staff Member Supervisor Supporter

    Messages:
    16,397
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Others
    Faith:
    Christian
    I'm sorry in return for snapping at you. It's really her I'm mad at. :hug:
     
  20. LovebirdsFlying

    LovebirdsFlying My husband drew this cartoon of me. Staff Member Supervisor Supporter

    Messages:
    16,397
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Others
    Faith:
    Christian
    It's entered my mind to block her. But as it is, I have sent her a very long and detailed message as to why I feel the way I do, and her response to it will decide whether or not I block her.

    She's not alone. My brothers and sister are still there, and she has access to their children. My daughter isn't about to let my mother anywhere near HER children, and give her a chance to ruin another generation.

    She now says she was never actually planning to move out here, but is still wanting to visit. I suppose if we had to, we could tolerate it (maybe not Mike, who says a few minutes in her presence was enough to last him a lifetime) but she won't be welcome.

    Thank all of you (you too, rose) for your support.
     
Loading...