Forum Honesty Thread (come try it out!)

[broken_one]

Hey, none of us are 100% right all the time so you are bound to have something wrong with you, that is normal , you are human Sean afterall. Having some sort of flaw doesn't stop people from being attracted to you and wanting to date you, part of getting into a relationship is accepting the other person warts and all. It is your lack of confidence that is your barrier. It is a good idea to work on that .

I've been too busy to do one about myself until now, but you seem to be a pretty wise woman there.

Naturally I have some anxiety issues and that cannot really be changed other than by what I'm doing now, so I'm not going to count that. Beyond that, I have two major issues, one of which Becky has already touched upon:

1. I have no confidence. I can't believe that I can do it. I'm a wet noodle.

2. I'm afraid of taking risks. Partially it is due to my low confidence, but also because I seem to think of societal rules a bit too strongly. Risks mean bad things can happen, even though really good things could also happen too.

As for solutions....I need to start talking to more girls. It makes me realize that they are just people to, what a shocking concept lol. Also makes things seem so much more in reach (major confidence boost). I also need to start "sticking it to the man" so other, similar risks versus society don't seem so difficult to me.

 

[PeculiarTreasure]

Why am I single?

I think most of it is due to just not being social. It's so hard to meet people around here and the decent guys I do come across are already taken.

Also, I think my weight and everything that goes along with that. (lack of confidence/self esteem)

 

[broken_one]

Um. I don't want to be single forever and I'm being honest about where I'm at. Sounds like this thread really isn't for me just because I'm in a different place in my life.

As for your point 2, I know you're trying to help, but I've heard that all before - by people who don't have children. You don't know what it's like being a new parent and facing things differently. I not only have to think of myself anymore, but I have a new set of eye glasses on. So to speak. So, grabbing a sitter just isn't like "Oh, duh!" There's more to think about than that.

Yeah, I don't really think that this is really the thread for you. You're kind of a bit busy right now. To say the least.

I really wasn't thinking when I said that, I'm sorry....you may have not passed into that phase yet, nor do I know about you having relatives or someone close who can easily do that sort of thing. That's why I said it was just a suggestion. I'm not God here.

 

[white dove]

What are you really hoping to accomplish here?

 

[broken_one]

What are you really hoping to accomplish here?

I'm trying to accomplish the people who are on that crushless thread all the time talking about how nobody wants them or whatever, I want them (and me) to kinda create a support group that's not miserable but proactive.

Complaining/constantly doing the same things over and over again with the same results isn't solving the problem. Working on the issues that hold these people back from entering the dating world on their own terms does. It even crosses over, as well. Imagine someone who usually is pretty shy finally works up some confidence and asks someone out. Naturally they're going to feel more confident as a whole. Maybe that's what they need to get the client at work that will give them a promotion or a large commission.

By taking the bull by the horns, things hopefully start to come into perspective.

 

[Miss Spaulding]

Or even smaller, just strike up conversation with your checkout person at the supermarket. Once the dialogue gets easier and easier to set up, the shyness starts to go away.

I do this alot actually, I'm very comfortable with strangers (probably not always a good thing...?). I'm not shy, just quiet...I'm not a big talker. However, I find myself opening up much more with strangers.

 

[Andrew12]

......Maybe I should stop walking around with squirrels on leashes...........


or maybe I just need to fix my geography situation....by moving to Lancaster County, Pa.

 

[scotslad83]

I'm trying to accomplish the people who are on that crushless thread all the time talking about how nobody wants them or whatever, I want them (and me) to kinda create a support group that's not miserable but proactive.

Complaining/constantly doing the same things over and over again with the same results isn't solving the problem. Working on the issues that hold these people back from entering the dating world on their own terms does. It even crosses over, as well. Imagine someone who usually is pretty shy finally works up some confidence and asks someone out. Naturally they're going to feel more confident as a whole. Maybe that's what they need to get the client at work that will give them a promotion or a large commission.

By taking the bull by the horns, things hopefully start to come into perspective.

what about when the shy person finally plucks up the courage to ask someone out and gets a resounding no - thus crushing their confidence and making them feel even worse about themselves.

I think we risk over-simplifying things here. If it were as easy as "this is what's wrong" - "here's the solution" then I wouldn't have mourned my 28th birthday the other week with the evermore dawning reality that at my age I'm probably not going to meet someone who is willing to marry me and have a family.

I see what you're trying to do and it's admirable but I really don't think it's as simple as cause and effect...

 

[Wren]

I think that it's just frustrating to see people continuously whine about being single, but seeming to be unwilling to do a blasted thing about it. So, if this thread (naming an obstacle and working to get rid of it) isn't for you (general-ish you), fine, but I think it does serve a maybe needed purpose in this forum.

 

[Wren]

what about when the shy person finally plucks up the courage to ask someone out and gets a resounding no - thus crushing their confidence and making them feel even worse about themselves.

I think we risk over-simplifying things here. If it were as easy as "this is what's wrong" - "here's the solution" then I wouldn't have mourned my 28th birthday the other week with the evermore dawning reality that at my age I'm probably not going to meet someone who is willing to marry me and have a family.

I see what you're trying to do and it's admirable but I really don't think it's as simple as cause and effect...

Well, no one said trying to overcome issues is easy. There's no reason why people can't come up with some kind of plan to work on their issues. I doubt the intention of the OP was simply to find a quick solution to our issues.

 

[broken_one]

what about when the shy person finally plucks up the courage to ask someone out and gets a resounding no - thus crushing their confidence and making them feel even worse about themselves.

I think we risk over-simplifying things here. If it were as easy as "this is what's wrong" - "here's the solution" then I wouldn't have mourned my 28th birthday the other week with the evermore dawning reality that at my age I'm probably not going to meet someone who is willing to marry me and have a family.

I see what you're trying to do and it's admirable but I really don't think it's as simple as cause and effect...

It's not.

I'm just giving some suggestions. The idea is to find something that works for you, and go with that. Maybe that bit of courage that got denied-I've learned now usually it's the fear more than the reality-maybe they needed to do a lower-intensity confidence exercise. Maybe a gal could wear some boots and a cute dress and check out how many guys stare at her because they find her attractive. I don't know.

What I do know is giving up isn't healthy. Instead of continuing to fight the losing fight (and therefore always feel like giving up), change up your strategy until you get a positive result.

 

[Inkachu]

Vicky, you also have to take steps to turn the changeable things around...maybe find a sitter for your son and go out a little more often?

I think your heart is in a good place, Sean, so don't worry about offending me lol. I think it's cute, the way you try to give me advice

I don't have anyone who "sits" for me, other than my mother, and she has very little spare time. She still works, and she takes care of my aging father, and she does LOTS for me and Josh that isn't babysitting. If I had someone to date, she would help me as much as she could. But as far as "going out"...I have no friends to go anywhere with, and nowhere to go.

And as far as my appearance goes, I can only change it so much. I've lost weight, and I'm still losing weight, but you know, that isn't going to make my face beautiful lol.

I'm single by choice. For years after my wife died my heart was torn between wanting a relationship and being afraid of opening up my heart again and trusting someone with me.

I'm also single, and will probably remain so, until I give up drinking beer like a fish. I actually don't care all that much that it makes good females wary - I hate it for other reasons. I do not know how to handle being alone and I drink to numb myself. I have friends that I see but most nights I spend alone. I have no relatives in this country. They all died and the ones that are left I don't want to see. I hate being alone. I hate drinking as much as I do. Seems like a catch 22. I was never like this before or during my marriage.

Also - I'm uber picky.

 

[Amber.ly]

My #1 reason for being single? I don't go places that single guys hang out at. Seriously, I go to work, church and spend time with my family. Other than that I do a ton of stuff on my own and occasionally go out with friends. But none of those things really leads to meeting someone.

If I had met someone locally that I was interested in, I am proactive enough to go after that possibility but there is just no one here.

That said, I've been kicking around the idea of joining a friend for her church's singles group stuff. But really, my standards would be dropping since I would basically be going to meet guys. And that seems so shallow and against what I stand for.

 

[Lord Herdsetk]

I'm single because I'm quite a catch, a complete catch actually. There's nothing wrong with me, one of the few men out there that has nothing wrong with him. I'm very particular about who I like. Most women are just too taken aback by my approach.

....ahem for real though, I'm single probably because I can be distant. I just seem to distance myself in most group settings. I also have a very dry sense of humor, a lot of what I say can be taken the wrong way or just not taken at all. I don't bother to explain myself, and perhaps that turns a lot of people off. You have to be specific when asking me something if you want me to answer, and a lot of people where I live don't like asking questions about others (myself included). I'm not all that friendly, most of the time at least. I have my moments, but its not a priority for me.

But I smell good, that's gotta count for something, m i rite?

 

[EyesOfKohl]

I think distance and military conflict is my problem... someday I will finally meet her.

 

[MehGuy]

Reason I'm single? Probably my shyness and my lack of interest in the women I've come into contact thus far. Though I know the problem, I'm in the wrong crowd and everything should be fixed up soon.

 

[Obzocky]

I have a shallow personality, there's very little depth to it at all. A bit like a saucer. To rectify this I need to invest in a personality stretcher, unfortunately this can take many years and results are not guaranteed, but at least I can say an attempt was made.

This is semi-serious.
I do need to work on my personality.
I'm quite the jerk and I do have very shallow emotions. It's a complication for friendship and relationships.

 

[Thunder Peel]

There's a LONG list of things keeping me single so I'll just list the biggest, otherwise we'll be here all night.

*I don't have a fancy career or a prominent degree. Most people I know are in graduate school or working high-paying and respectable jobs. Having a film degree and working various jobs isn't considered admirable and the fact that I'm not on the fast track to success is no doubt really hurting my reputation and datability. Is that a word?

*I'm not attractive and I still look like a geeky teenager. Women want (and deserve) to be with a man, not a child. My looks and my personality are the two things I would love to change if I could and I'm working on that, slowly but surely.

*For the time being I'm living at home. It gives off the impression that I'm not independent or very tied to my family. Neither is true but until my finances pick up it'll continue to be an issue.

*There's nothing unique or appealing about me. I don't have any special talents or gifts or abilities that make someone go "Wow, I really want to get to know him!" We can't all be geniuses but I would love to have the brains and ability to add something to this world instead of just passing through.

*I don't want kids, which is a big no-no in the Christian community. People always make me feel like a horrible person because of it.

*It's also partly my own choice. My first and only relationship was a disaster: it made me realize what a crappy boyfriend I was and how I knew nothing about romance or how to give something meaningful to someone else. To be honest I don't think I'll ever try again. One failure was enough and I learned my lesson. I got what I deserved.

Onward!

 

[broken_one]

Austin, you need to list what changes you'd like to make to answer these problems. Just making a list IS NOT good enough for this thread.

 

[MacFall]

Reason for my singleness: there are very few single Christian ladies in my area, and those that are around think I'm a boring, unattractive, uncharming nerd. I am inclined to agree with them, and have no intention of changing my lifestyle or passions to suit anyone else.

Possible solution: move.