Finding emotional connection in a young marriage

[DZoolander]

To be honest - I would not be looking at having children as being the answer to your problems in connecting with your husband.

My wife and I have 2 kids. Know how much attention those kids require? 100%. I'm not being facetious or cavalier in that statement either.

Here's my schedule.

6:30am wake up with the boy. Feed him/take care of him until 7:30 when I shower/get ready for work. Leave the house at 8:00. Work until 5. Get home at 5:45. Play with the kids until the boy goes down at 7. Play with my daughter until she goes to bed at 8:30.

Here's my wife's schedule.

6:30 wake up and start getting ready for the day. 8:30 take the girl to school. 9:00 start working on the daily house stuff and take care of the boy. 1:00 pick up the girl from school and then take care of the kids 6pm. 6pm until 9:00 work on her business. 9:00pm tired/drained from the day and goes to bed.

Our entire day is centered around work and the kids, and we switch off duties as available. Our time to ourselves is negligible - and our time to devote to each other is even more remote. Our "connection" time has gone from all the time prior to having kids to virtually nothing for the past 5 years. We're never alone...and we used to enjoy spending alone time with each other.

So I'd be cautious if you're already having extreme difficulty in bonding with each other in thinking that kids will improve the situation. My experience is that it diminishes the possible time to do so.

 

[Mudinyeri]

^Agree 100%! Kids are NEVER the answer to drawing a couple closer.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I'm so glad people are saying that about kids. I know many on here are against those who do not want kids. They say "Its a blessing!". No doubt its a blessing. But its also alot of work. It means no time for yourselves. If anything I've seen more couples fight and divorce once they have kids because its so much to handle. I want a girl, but I also want us to be ready because my wife adjusting to a new country with everything else going on is alot to do as it is.

 

[DZoolander]

Yeah, I don't think people without kids really grasp what it is...lol

It really is 100% time and attention required - for years. Our son is nearly 2 - and as such he is completely hands on. If he's not opening/closing the dishwasher (he figures out every lock we've installed) and pulling out/smashing the dishes, he's opening up the oven and trying to yank out the oven racks to throw them on the floor. He's opening/closing doors, trying to get into the garage, pulling stuff from counters and trying to throw it on the floor, etc. Every single door in the house now has a chain lock installed on it- because he's figured out every door knob protection scheme and door lock we've put on. You cannot be away from the guy for a second lest something (possibly glass) might get broken - or he'll get somewhere he ought not be.

Our girl? Five years old. While she is past that stage and can be left alone to do her own thing - it's not really ALONE. You still need to be aware of what she's doing pretty much 100% of the time which is almost the same. Leave her alone, and she'll pull out the paint and paint herself, cover herself in baby powder to be a ghost, or any myriad of other things.

Try to have a conversation with your spouse? That's the time she decides to tell you about something she discovered in Minecraft...or some other tidbit of information she picked up in school...or what someone said to her...etc. She's a non-stop talking machine - and she should be at her age. She's learning things and exploring ideas. But - it certainly ain't conducive to adult bonding time.

Then you run into slight differences of parenting styles. My wife is more impatient than I am, and is more prone to having quick squabbles with our daughter. They're often, but they're quick. I'm more patient and pick my battles more carefully - but when I engage in a battle I'm unrelenting. I don't care how much crying, screaming, etc...there is. I'm the adult, I'm able to wait you out, and I'm going to win.

There is no free time...nor will there be in the foreseeable future.

That's what parenthood is - and it ain't something that ought to be taken on by people that are already having problems.

 

[Dave-W]

That's what parenthood is - and it ain't something that ought to be taken on by people that are already having problems.

amen.

 

[Alolbu]

Nothing against anyone who serves but its a common story that the spouse who serves acts differently then most people. I think its just because of your training to be a soldier. Self discipline, surviving lone if need be...etc. Its why so many have a hard time adjusting back to the life of a citizen. He may not understand what its like when it comes to being needed and being helped. Help him to understand his marine life has carried over into his normal life but its hard to deal with that sometimes.

My moms one friend was a marine. Very strict and all that. Self reliant. They have now been married 20+ years. Two kids. Overtime he understood marriage better and put alot of his marine stuff behind him so he could raise the children better and be a better husband. They don't argue very much as opposed to when they first married. Granted everyone has issues when first married.

Marine habits are hard habits to break. If ever they do. ha He has been out for 5 years now and he is getting better. It's been quite the teaching process for both of us because I am his opposite as far as emotions go. He also realizes his marine life carries into everyday life, even if he's still learning to work on it.

I'd say we certainly fight a lot less too. And that is nice.

 

[Alolbu]

To be honest - I would not be looking at having children as being the answer to your problems in connecting with your husband.

My wife and I have 2 kids. Know how much attention those kids require? 100%. I'm not being facetious or cavalier in that statement either.

Here's my schedule.

6:30am wake up with the boy. Feed him/take care of him until 7:30 when I shower/get ready for work. Leave the house at 8:00. Work until 5. Get home at 5:45. Play with the kids until the boy goes down at 7. Play with my daughter until she goes to bed at 8:30.

Here's my wife's schedule.

6:30 wake up and start getting ready for the day. 8:30 take the girl to school. 9:00 start working on the daily house stuff and take care of the boy. 1:00 pick up the girl from school and then take care of the kids 6pm. 6pm until 9:00 work on her business. 9:00pm tired/drained from the day and goes to bed.

Our entire day is centered around work and the kids, and we switch off duties as available. Our time to ourselves is negligible - and our time to devote to each other is even more remote. Our "connection" time has gone from all the time prior to having kids to virtually nothing for the past 5 years. We're never alone...and we used to enjoy spending alone time with each other.

So I'd be cautious if you're already having extreme difficulty in bonding with each other in thinking that kids will improve the situation. My experience is that it diminishes the possible time to do so.

Ha, of heavens no. I am not looking to have children to fix anything. In fact I still don't know if I want them. I feel like I have a pretty good idea of that responsibility without even having them yet, which means I know mentally I'm still falling short of getting it. I don't really believe I'll understand until I have them. Luckily my husband knows this. I think.
I'm aware of my selfishness as a human being as well... and I love my sleep.

But thank you for your input. If just because at 34 my ovaries talk to me often. lol Can't resist little curly haired baby girls(Husband wants a boy of course )

Also I did remember what it was like for my parents raises my brother and I. He was a handful. Plus my mother was by our sides all through Elementary school. I can only imagine all the extra time she gave up making sure we did our homework and worked on our hobbies. haha I remember when I was in campfire and she marched my butt to the store every day to sell candy.

Bless you both for being parents. It's a tough job that is for sure.

 

[dysert]

From the OP:

"Looooong story short here is my question. With all this stress, all these things happening, I lost a lot if not all my emotional connection to him, not to mention the marital room is non-existent."
​

Given that statement, I didn't think the idea of children would even enter the picture (which is good).

 

[DZoolander]

I don't want to live in our past mistakes. I think I have a lot riding on this next year. I keep putting hope in having a real house, and those little human things. So I have a lot of hope for this next chapter.

I was going in that direction because of this part. lol

 

[LinkH]

Alolbu,

I just gave some similar advice to someone else on another thread, but I think you and your husband ought to pray every night, and spend time praying for your marriage, and read the Bible together, too. Ad far as the 'fake it till you make it' goes, you don't have to be dishonest, but you can still be kind to him. You can treat him like a husband, in the kitchen, the bedroom, and the rest of the house. You can spend time together doing couple things.

About having kids bringing couples together, having kids can take away all that spare time you have wondering and worrying about your relationship. EZoolander has children at high-maintenance ages, and it depends on the children. I had a boy who at 2-years-old was into everything. He wasn't as extreme, like the part about about breaking into the dishwasher and smashing plates, but I do remember taking him over to someone's house, and they had these giant fancy-looking vases on the floor, and it made me nervous. I had to hold him every second to keep him from climbing up the vase, knocking it over, and smashing it. My girls were all a lot easier to deal with about the hyper-active destruction stuff, but I had to watch them, too. My son drew all over the walls in our house when he was little. The girls did a little drawing on the wall. We still had to watch them. When they get a little older, they still take a lot of time, but it is not quite at the level of a two-year old. And of course, newborns require the most care with all the constant feeding.

But the children are well worth it.

 

[DZoolander]

Oh I'm not suggesting that they're not worth it

Kids are wonderful - and I'm not in the slightest bit complaining about the trials and tribulations of raising them. But it is what it is. Yeah, my son especially is in the "high attention required" phase, and it does get easier as they get older (or it's a different kind of attention required). So, I wasn't addressing the value brought into someone's life by having children, rather I was addressing it in the context of where their relationship appears to be right now.

You could have a point that the distractions of having the kids might take their focus away from obsessing on why they're not blissful together. A lot of the time I think people get too wrapped up in their own inner monologues and it's not helpful to their situation. Depending on type of husband he is (if he's helpful/etc) it could also bring recognition on her part to how he stepped up to the plate to help.

But, those are all really big "ifs". It stands an equally valid chance of further driving a wedge between them and creating greater resentment. It really does kinda depend on their individual temperaments.

So, be cautious with that.

 

[LinkH]

EZoolander, I wasn't trying to imply you didn't think kids were worth it. We were talking about the challenges of having children, so I wanted to add the part about the kids being worth it at the end. There is joy in having children.

As far as having kids when they are in this place in marriage is concerned, no birth control is 100%. Once the baby is coming, they shouldn't kill the baby, and they should have an accepting attitude. Married couples should be having sex if they are able. Sex can produce children. Any couple should be accepting toward their children.

 

[DZoolander]

Absolutely.

That doesn't mean that one ought through caution to the wind and start TRYING to have kids when there are already big problems though. lol

 

[Brianlear]

I'm going to go a different direction here. OP said she felt like kissing her husband was like "kissing a brother."
Well.....technically we are ALL brothers and sisters....so, I think it's to be expected that this sort of evolution will take place in a marriage. Everyone feels like that at some point. When you spend day after day with someone, year after year, you get VERY used to them.
I'd say, take a vacation with a family member, without your husband. Spend a bit of time apart doing your own stuff. See if that desire comes back. Sometimes you have to be apart to get "pulled back together".