Once upon a time, in Republicanland, there was a rich farmer named Farmer McCain. He owned a large track of land in a very poor community. There were a lot of folks without homes around, sometimes even trespassing on *his* land. They always complained about him, he didn't know why.
After all, hadn't he given them market value for their land? Granted, he was the only one with the money to buy their land, so the market value was fairly low, but it was fair market value. A dollar an acre for each of the two acres that most people owned. Even that, the farmer thought to himself, was quite generous (He could afford to be generous, he had earned that money by marrying a beer heiress fair and square!). Since he was the only buyer, he could have offered them a penny an acre or less.
And they had to sell because of the bad crop the previous year. A drought had wiped it all out, and if they didn't sell, they'd have no money to buy food. So, now he owned all the land, the great invisible hand of the market at work!
Now, those lazy good for nothings wanted unemployment benefits! The nerve. They should just go get themselves jobs, he thought to myself. Granted, he was the only one with the money to hire people, and he didn't really need anyone, so he wasn't hiring, but that wasn't his fault. Those lazy bums should get a job and not be advocating for benefits with his tax dollars, he muttered to himself! It didn't matter if there jobs available or not, they should get jobs! And if they starved, they starved, it be their own darn faults.
Some of them even wanted health care! As if! A few of them dying of cancer would help eliminate the surplus population!
But Farmer McCain's crop came in a bit bigger than he thought it would, and it did turn out that he did need an extra hand. He prompted hired someone to work for him for a penny an hour. Afterall, there was no minimum wage in Republicanland, and everyone was falling all over themselves competing for the one job he offered, so he could pay the guy whatever he wanted. "He should be lucky he has a job at all," the farmer muttered to himself.
Unfortunately, it turned out the guy's grandfather was black, so he fired him. "I have every right to do it in Republican land," the farmer growled. "Employment at will! Civil rights law are an unfair restraint on commerce."
As the people were slowly starving, the Farmer McCain realized there was a problem. Not the people starving, mind you. No, the farmer thought, things were too peaceful in Republicanland. Since the farmer was a monied landowner, and it had long since been decided that only people with money could vote, he always voted himself President, and thus could decide to start a war. He thought he'd invade Farmer Bob's land. Farmer Bob had never done anything to him, but he heard a rumor Farmer Bob was Muslim.
Now, the unemployed citizens of Republicanland were starting to grumble. They didn't like free market principles, he thought to himself. They were downright unpatriotic, he thought. "I know, I'll do pat-down searches," said Farmer McCain. Now, technically, the law said he needed warrants for that, but Farmer McCain felt his office of President placed him above the law. After all, the guy in the farm house before him, Farmer Bush, had tapped people's phones and computers, back when people had phones and computers.
Next, farmer McCain decided to arrest the people grumbling. In the old days, he would have had to charge them with something. Now, he just tossed them in jail indefinitely, occasionally torturing them when he got bored.
Between the starvation and the war, a lot of people in Republicanland were dying. And the rest were being violated in one way or another, other than Farmer McCain, of course.
But then, just when all hope was lost, Farmer Obama came to town and bought the house, and the people rejoiced! Everyone had food, and land, and freedom again -- and peace and joy rang through the land! "How could we have ever let Farmer McCain come to power?", the people asked.
Barack Obama: Change We Can Believe In
After all, hadn't he given them market value for their land? Granted, he was the only one with the money to buy their land, so the market value was fairly low, but it was fair market value. A dollar an acre for each of the two acres that most people owned. Even that, the farmer thought to himself, was quite generous (He could afford to be generous, he had earned that money by marrying a beer heiress fair and square!). Since he was the only buyer, he could have offered them a penny an acre or less.
And they had to sell because of the bad crop the previous year. A drought had wiped it all out, and if they didn't sell, they'd have no money to buy food. So, now he owned all the land, the great invisible hand of the market at work!
Now, those lazy good for nothings wanted unemployment benefits! The nerve. They should just go get themselves jobs, he thought to myself. Granted, he was the only one with the money to hire people, and he didn't really need anyone, so he wasn't hiring, but that wasn't his fault. Those lazy bums should get a job and not be advocating for benefits with his tax dollars, he muttered to himself! It didn't matter if there jobs available or not, they should get jobs! And if they starved, they starved, it be their own darn faults.
Some of them even wanted health care! As if! A few of them dying of cancer would help eliminate the surplus population!
But Farmer McCain's crop came in a bit bigger than he thought it would, and it did turn out that he did need an extra hand. He prompted hired someone to work for him for a penny an hour. Afterall, there was no minimum wage in Republicanland, and everyone was falling all over themselves competing for the one job he offered, so he could pay the guy whatever he wanted. "He should be lucky he has a job at all," the farmer muttered to himself.
Unfortunately, it turned out the guy's grandfather was black, so he fired him. "I have every right to do it in Republican land," the farmer growled. "Employment at will! Civil rights law are an unfair restraint on commerce."
As the people were slowly starving, the Farmer McCain realized there was a problem. Not the people starving, mind you. No, the farmer thought, things were too peaceful in Republicanland. Since the farmer was a monied landowner, and it had long since been decided that only people with money could vote, he always voted himself President, and thus could decide to start a war. He thought he'd invade Farmer Bob's land. Farmer Bob had never done anything to him, but he heard a rumor Farmer Bob was Muslim.
Now, the unemployed citizens of Republicanland were starting to grumble. They didn't like free market principles, he thought to himself. They were downright unpatriotic, he thought. "I know, I'll do pat-down searches," said Farmer McCain. Now, technically, the law said he needed warrants for that, but Farmer McCain felt his office of President placed him above the law. After all, the guy in the farm house before him, Farmer Bush, had tapped people's phones and computers, back when people had phones and computers.
Next, farmer McCain decided to arrest the people grumbling. In the old days, he would have had to charge them with something. Now, he just tossed them in jail indefinitely, occasionally torturing them when he got bored.
Between the starvation and the war, a lot of people in Republicanland were dying. And the rest were being violated in one way or another, other than Farmer McCain, of course.
But then, just when all hope was lost, Farmer Obama came to town and bought the house, and the people rejoiced! Everyone had food, and land, and freedom again -- and peace and joy rang through the land! "How could we have ever let Farmer McCain come to power?", the people asked.
Barack Obama: Change We Can Believe In
Last edited:
