About 24 years ago I had a immoral relationship with a woman 12 years older than me. She pushed for the sex, I pushed for the love in the relationship. When I got it thru my heart that she didn't really want me to love her, just have sex with her, I broke the relationship off. I was heartbroken and torn. I at that time wanted to join our church at home and find God. I quickly showed signs of bipolar manic/depression. And I would cry out in despair that God was damning me. So the whole "not trusting God" had to be related to my heart being broken in this relationship with her.
I do have hope that keeps me alive, otherwise this would eat me up and I'd die. I hope God will be merciful to me and look to heal my heart and so I can trust him.
Part of what I think you are missing is
knowing EXACTLY who you are in Christ.
You are God's child, your faith has given you that. Faith is something that grows inside of us. We all have times when our faith is weaker, those are the times that I cling to who I am in Jesus Christ.
Romans 5:1-2
"Therefore being
justified by faith, we have
peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom
also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God"
Romans 5:8-11
"But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, being now
justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life. And not only so, but we also joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom we have
now received the atonement"
Romans 6:3-11
"Know ye not, that so many of us as were
baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death? Therefore
we are buried with him by baptism into death:that like as Christ was
raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.
For if we have been planted together in the
likeness of his death, we shall be also in the l
ikeness of his resurrection: Knowing this, that
our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should
not serve sin. For he that is
dead is freed from sin. Now if we be
dead with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with him: Knowing that Christ being raised from the dead dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over him. For in that he died, he died unto sin once:but in that he liveth, he liveth unto God. Likewise reckon ye also
yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord"
Romans 8:1
"There is therefore now
no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus"
Romans 8:14-17
"For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the
sons of God. For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.
The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint- heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together"
I would read Romans 4-8. It will clairify to you who you are in Jesus Christ. Christ is in you and will never leave you or forsake you. Those who the Father has given to His Son, no one on heaven or earth can remove from His right hand.
This is the solid rock on which we stand. The rock of Jesus Christ and what His blood did for us. His blood and our faith makes us sons of God. God lives in us. The Holy Spirit lives in us as Jesus sent His Spirit to us.
Know who you are in Christ first.