Faith Crisis, Fear followed by Derealization

[Clouds3]

I'm 50. Yrs old. Growing up I always "knew" there was a god. I went to church but my parents were not big church goers. When I was 11 I read; "The Late Great Planet Earth" and was instantly drawn to Christ. I accepted Christ at 12 although I always had faith. My older brothers played rock music in the back room. During the late 1970's, marihuana was prolific and cheap. My brothers and their friends would smoke pot while my parents were away on business dinners. I started smoking pot at 13. At first it was fun and I laughed a lot but my moods took a turn. I accidentally stumbled on an experience that I would soon learn was called astral projection. I began to gradually experience what felt like I was slipping out of my body. I would lie still, go numb and feel a tremendous vibration then as if I was moving freely from my body. I would separate except at the head until one day my head began to slip and a stern warning formed in my mind. I stopped the practice. I started experiencing adolescence at this time and during pot highs I would experience bizarre sexual fantasies. I stopped smoking and pursued athletics. By late high school I wanted to go back to Christ and got involved in the church. I got very involved with a group. Gradually, subtly, as if I suddenly realized, I noticed my inner faith began to diminish and my mind began panicking. I began to believe I was beyond salvation. I became filled with unbearable fear. It felt as if my connection with world around me diminished. I felt a change in my sense of reality. My sense of taste, smell, perception of time changed. I had a breakdown, lost weight. I retreated from God, church, people and ushered in the meds to recover. I recovered from the acute trauma, finished college. 30 years have gone by but I've never been able to hold faith in my heart toward God no matter how hard I try. I struggle to believe. I bend my will as hard as possibly can to believe again. Something drives me but it's like the inner me is either dead, dormant or walled off.

 

[Johnnz]

Have you read "the Shack"? There are some challenging insights in that book that you might find helpful.

John
NZ