Facebook and Marriage

[Astrid1986]

My husband and I are each other's first partners so this issue doesn't apply to us. If my husband had had an ex, I'd probably allow him to keep in touch as long as he isn't flirting. I have a couple of guy friends on FB which my husband all knows about. (Most of my FB friends who are guys I dont'speak to, they just are on my friends list because of being admins for groups I belong to or because they're interested in my blog. I don't write personal posts on FB.) At one point I asked him where the boundaries are (because I was getitng a bit too close with an IRL guy acquaintance) and he explained that I could talk to guy friends about general stuff but not intimacy or the like or tell them what I was wearing or other such flirtational things. Anyway, if he wanted me to unfriend any of these fuy friends, I'd definitely do so. I know we'd need to talk over it, but if it's just his general insecurity, that'd be totally fine with me. I think it's quite unreasonable that your wife is deciding that she won't "play into" your insecurity, especially since she's betraying yoru trust in a way with ehr drinking excessively. I will be praying for both of you.

 

[Ben_Hur]

Well, I just found out she set up her own separate email account. I know that's a red flag in many cases, but she's not behaving any differently with me - still as affectionate as always (which wasn't much, but no change...). She expressed that she hates when I look at OUR email account (she didn't used to). I told her to get her own, because I have to look at our account for various business reasons. So I guess she did. She's not told me about this new account. I'm going to sit back and see what happens. Again, thanks all for the prayers. We really need it. If anything, she's going through some sort of mid-life crisis and probably wanting the same sort of freedom that her divorced BFF has. Thing is, I think she doesn't realize that modeling lifestyle after a divorced person (someone that got it wrong), my not be wise.

And yes, I know that there may be some Munchhausen's going on here. I really have to give this up to God and let him handle it. Any attempts to control or talk about this stuff is failing miserably.

 

[Autumnleaf]

My friend is a divorce lawyer. He said facebook is the best thing for business since no-fault divorce. People project their fantasies on other people who are mid-life fat and unhappy and its love long enough to wreck one situation and start along a dead end road for both blissfully ignorant parties.

 

[TheBarrd]

Wow.
My first reaction is...why did you marry this woman in the first place?
Good marriages are built on trust. Obviously you do not trust your wife.
I hate to say it, but the way you are talking about her, this marriage was doomed from the start.
I know that if my husband were to go to a bunch of strangers on the internet and talk about me the way you have talked about your wife, I would be badly hurt, and very, very, very angry.
If she is really doing all of these things...drinking, gambling, flirting with other men, etc, you've got bigger worries than some guy on facebook. Or if you're taking things out of proportion, then maybe she needs to talk to a lawyer, herself.
I didn't miss that bit where she talked you into believing that your ex-wife was cheating on you...what were you doing, messing around with this woman while you were already married, listening to her gossip about the woman you were married to? Something doesn't smell right, there.
Maybe you aren't the model husband, yourself...

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Have you seen whats on her 2nd email account? I'd ask to see it if you feel unsure about everything thats going on. Though if she says no then I'd be concerned. Marriage means 100%/100%. You share all, you are one. If someone wants "privacy" then they should remain single and stick to the that kind of life. I've found most people that say they don't want a spouse to look at something is because they are doing something wrong. Other couples aside I've talked to, I had it happen to myself. One girl I was with was talking to her exs and even let her ex look at her account all the time. And it turns out she was talking badly behind my back and looking for others outside of me. The next girl was honest but did not want me to see her phone. During her graduation at college she left her phone on accident on the chair.

She got a text message and I glanced down and it was from a guy calling her "babe". Turns out she was talking to and "Sexting" other men. And including naked pics. I tried to tell her if we were to be together then we should be exclusive. As in not talking to others. I forgave her but one day when visiting another guy came over. She hugged him and gave him a kiss. Talked lovey dovey to him. Then after he left I told her I really didn't agree with that and asked how many people she was actually dating. It was something like 13. I wasn't in the top spot, but was near it she said. I was so disgusted about all that and her past thing with the phone that we didn't stay together.

So moral of the stories is if someone wants privacy then theres something likely going on. Though I am referring to privacy in terms of facebook, emails, phone..etc. Where as privacy in terms of using the bathroom, wanting to watch a tv show...etc is ok.

 

[Ben_Hur]

Wow.
My first reaction is...why did you marry this woman in the first place?
Good marriages are built on trust. Obviously you do not trust your wife.
I hate to say it, but the way you are talking about her, this marriage was doomed from the start.
I know that if my husband were to go to a bunch of strangers on the internet and talk about me the way you have talked about your wife, I would be badly hurt, and very, very, very angry.
If she is really doing all of these things...drinking, gambling, flirting with other men, etc, you've got bigger worries than some guy on facebook. Or if you're taking things out of proportion, then maybe she needs to talk to a lawyer, herself.
I didn't miss that bit where she talked you into believing that your ex-wife was cheating on you...what were you doing, messing around with this woman while you were already married, listening to her gossip about the woman you were married to? Something doesn't smell right, there.
Maybe you aren't the model husband, yourself...

Oh, I am most certainly not the model husband. I've messed up big time. I had some issues, but not infidelity, drinking, or flirting (I don't even know how to flirt). For the first 21 years of our marriage, I was on a short leash. I was not allowed in bars - drinking or not, I was not allowed to even stay too long at the golf course after a match. She had trust issues as well. Somewhere along there, she let up on the leash and didn't tell me about it. That is one thing that shocked me the most about her behavior. I thought this wasn't acceptable and now she's doing it.

But yeah, I don't trust her because she has lied to me (I think I told that story). Just the other day, I caught her being deceptive about her giving a girlfriend access to our netflix account (didn't talk to her about it...just waiting).

I married her, because I loved her and she was clearly and openly devoted to me. Even now she says she won't leave the marriage. And now because of her dishonesty, I've been dishonest monitoring her, so now she doesn't trust me...how ironic! It's a total mess of trust issues.

Regarding my first wife, she and I had been separated for several months when I met my current wife. They even met so it's not too much of a leap that I casually told her what my soon-to-be-ex was doing these days, who she was seeing, and she just put 2 and 2 together (it was after we were married, that she told me what she'd figured out). I don't think husband and wife talking about anyone is gossip.

 

[TheBarrd]

Oh, I am most certainly not the model husband. I've messed up big time. I had some issues, but not infidelity, drinking, or flirting (I don't even know how to flirt). For the first 21 years of our marriage, I was on a short leash. I was not allowed in bars - drinking or not, I was not allowed to even stay too long at the golf course after a match. She had trust issues as well. Somewhere along there, she let up on the leash and didn't tell me about it. That is one thing that shocked me the most about her behavior. I thought this wasn't acceptable and now she's doing it.

But yeah, I don't trust her because she has lied to me (I think I told that story). Just the other day, I caught her being deceptive about her giving a girlfriend access to our netflix account (didn't talk to her about it...just waiting).

I married her, because I loved her and she was clearly and openly devoted to me. Even now she says she won't leave the marriage. And now because of her dishonesty, I've been dishonest monitoring her, so now she doesn't trust me...how ironic! It's a total mess of trust issues.

Regarding my first wife, she and I had been separated for several months when I met my current wife. They even met so it's not too much of a leap that I casually told her what my soon-to-be-ex was doing these days, who she was seeing, and she just put 2 and 2 together (it was after we were married, that she told me what she'd figured out). I don't think husband and wife talking about anyone is gossip.

21 YEARS??????????

And you're only just now having "trust issues"?

Son, I think both of you need some serious counseling.
This is definitely "one for the books". You'd think, after two marriages, you guys would both be too old for this kind of nonsense...

 

[sdmsanjose]

My wife accepted a friend request from an old high school boyfriend (her first sexual experience and they had marriage plans but he dumped her). She and I have been married 23 years and I think she's going through a mid-life crisis. She's also not been close to God for quite a while and drinks excessively.

I want her to unfriend this guy. I don't want him in my life (my life is her life, right?). She won't do it because she thinks I'm insecure and she won't play into my insecurity.

Am I being unreasonable?

NOT ONE BIT!!!

Do not fall for that crap of you being insecure and unreasonable; that is her manipulation so that she can do what she wants. No sensitive and godly woman would expect a husband to be comfortable with his wife talking to an old boyfriend that she had her first sexual experience with. She is choosing her selfish desires over your concerns and is doing that with an old flame! If my wife was doing what your wife is doing with all the baggage that she has, and she will not choose me over him, then she needs to go live with him and set me free.

1. She convinced me that my ex-wife was cheating on me before we split up. I had completely missed all the signs. I believe this makes me extra vigilant.

2. She has progressively starting doing things I never thought she would do (i.e. gambling excessively - which is now done, drinking excessively, going out to bars and flirting with other guys in person and by text, lying [and she hates lying and liars], smoking pot).

Yes, unfortunately, I'm the only one with anxiety. She's effectively drugged up with anti-depressants, alcohol, and marijuana to be ok with almost anything - EXCEPT for understanding MY anxiety.

Well, I just found out she set up her own separate email account.

She's not told me about this new account

I don't trust her because she has lied to me

Your wife has chosen a situation that is an affair waiting to happen!

 

[Ben_Hur]

21 YEARS??????????

And you're only just now having "trust issues"?

Son, I think both of you need some serious counseling.
This is definitely "one for the books". You'd think, after two marriages, you guys would both be too old for this kind of nonsense...

I totally agree. She won't go to counseling. She thinks I'm the only one with a problem here - so I'm going to counseling alone. Ever since she obtained a certain "BFF" girlfriend, she's been acting like an 18 year old - thus the disparity with the length of our marriage.