Facebook and Marriage

[Ben_Hur]

My wife accepted a friend request from an old highschool boyfriend (her first sexual experience and they had marriage plans but he dumped her). She and I have been married 23 years and I think she's going through a mid-life crisis. She's also not been close to God for quite a while and drinks excessively.

I want her to unfriend this guy. I don't want him in my life (my life is her life, right?). She won't do it because she thinks I'm insecure and she won't play into my insecurity.

Am I being unreasonable?

 

[grasping the after wind]

My wife accepted a friend request from an old highschool boyfriend (her first sexual experience and they had marriage plans but he dumped her). She and I have been married 23 years and I think she's going through a mid-life crisis. She's also not been close to God for quite a while and drinks excessively.

I want her to unfriend this guy. I don't want him in my life (my life is her life, right?). She won't do it because she thinks I'm insecure and she won't play into my insecurity.

Am I being unreasonable?

No.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well normally I'd say I'd be split on it. But since you mentioned you think shes going through some issues, drinking...etc... in that case no, she should unfriend him.

 

[Navari]

It is never unreasonable to express your needs to your spouse. I hope she will respect your needs. I am just curious is there a reason you care if she talks to him? Or is it as simple as you don't want him around because of the nature of their history?

 

[St_Worm2]

My wife accepted a friend request from an old high school boyfriend (her first sexual experience and they had marriage plans but he dumped her). She and I have been married 23 years and I think she's going through a mid-life crisis. She's also not been close to God for quite a while and drinks excessively.

I want her to unfriend this guy. I don't want him in my life (my life is her life, right?). She won't do it because she thinks I'm insecure and she won't play into my insecurity.

Am I being unreasonable?

No, this is not an unreasonable request by you, even if everything that you told us about her wasn't true. And if the reverse was true, and your wife was the one standing where you are now, that would not be an unreasonable request on her part either. Nothing like this should come in between a husband and wife, nothing that makes either spouse feel uncomfortable or "insecure" about their marriage (the two of you have to put yourselves first in each other's lives)! Marriage is tough enough as it is and this sounds like trouble.

I wouldn't ask her how she'd feel if you were doing the same thing to her (she'll just tell you that she would be fine with it). Instead, ask her how she'd feel if she told you something you were doing made her feel uncomfortable or insecure, but in spite of knowing that, you went right ahead and did it anyway!

Praying for you two.

--David

 

[ValleyGal]

You can request it, but don't expect it.

I have a couple of old boyfriends (from 25 years ago) as "friends" on FB. After an initial "gee, what did you do with your life?" conversation, we do not chat. Also, when one of them did chat early on (once), I told my husband. My husband has FB friends who he had been interested in before me, too, and I do not have a problem with that.

Unless she starts becoming very private about her FB, phone, time, etc, there is no reason to worry or expect your wife to comply with your wish that she remove him. Just being "friends" on FB is no reason to worry. If there is other "evidence" of emotional involvement, that is when you should start to take steps to see what that's all about.

 

[bluegreysky]

My wife accepted a friend request from an old highschool boyfriend (her first sexual experience and they had marriage plans but he dumped her). She and I have been married 23 years and I think she's going through a mid-life crisis. She's also not been close to God for quite a while and drinks excessively.

I want her to unfriend this guy. I don't want him in my life (my life is her life, right?). She won't do it because she thinks I'm insecure and she won't play into my insecurity.

Am I being unreasonable?

No. when we got married, my husband asked in kind of an urgent but still respectful manner if i'd unfriend the boys who were single and used to like me. there were 4. one high school ex i was never serious with, one college friend who we weighed the idea of dating but decided to stay friends, one post-college actually during the breakup from my now husband guy with the same kind of story, and one who had found me on facebook through mutual friends and added me because he thought i was cute.
none of them were messaging me at the time or suggesting i should date them.
but he saw no purpose for me to keep them around because .... we were getting MARRIED. there was no reason I should be entertaining single men.
Then there were 2 others who'd already been unfriended because one, a long time good friend had turned jealous when i dated my now husbad and hadn't respected my boundaries and the other, a much newer friend had done the same thing- suggested i should be with HIM instead. My husband asked that I block them. he didn't want them stalking around on my page or his or contacting us becase they'd been disrespectful.
I thought it WAS A little over the top... but I could see where he's coming from.
It looks like a recipe for a misunderstanding.
He onlyhas girls that are family friend and not x's on his.

I think if she refuses to de-friend this ex, she might still have unresolved issues and buried feelings. she needs to first admit them, talk to you honestly about them, maybe get a little counseling, pray about it and let him go.
She should unfriend him and maybe even block him if he doesn't get the hint.
he's an interference in your monogamy.
If my husband started talking to his ex on facebook or email or twitter or anywhere,
id have a serious problem too. I'd feel like he maybe either isn't quite over it or he isn't fully satisfied with me and is beginning to deviate.
Attacking the person doesn't help. talking to them level-headed and objectively does.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

I guess I'm in the minority here. You can request that she unfriend him but she might decline. I know that if my wife made such a request of me I'd be very hurt as it signals a profound lack of trust imo.

 

[bluegreysky]

It depends on the person. some couples are "cool like that" but me? I have anxiety. I've been lied to in the past. My hubby has PTSD. we do best not having questionable friends on facebook or leaving eachother over night or going whole days without talking/texting. it's not that either of us thinks the other will cheat... but it causes anxiety to well up in both of us and to stay away from triggers that can be avoided is important.

 

[1watchman]

In such matters one should talk to their spouse about marriage counseling for the good of both, but if one refuses that, then let the spouse go if that is what they want (1 Cor. 7:15); though one should understand that God does not allow re-marriage unless the erring spouse commits adultery.

 

[Ben_Hur]

It is never unreasonable to express your needs to your spouse. I hope she will respect your needs. I am just curious is there a reason you care if she talks to him? Or is it as simple as you don't want him around because of the nature of their history?

When we were first together, I had a very difficult time with her past. I eventually got over it by convincing myself that it didn't matter. She picked me. This was before we were Christians, also. Then several things have happened.
1. She convinced me that my ex-wife was cheating on me before we split up. I had completely missed all the signs. I believe this makes me extra vigilant.
2. She has progressively starting doing things I never thought she would do (i.e. gambling excessively - which is now done, drinking excessively, going out to bars and flirting with other guys in person and by text, lying [and she hates lying and liars], smoking pot).

So now, I'm wondering what's next. What is the next line she is going to cross? She states she will never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. Hurting me and disregarding my feelings does that very thing, so I'm wondering how far she will go. What's the next shoe to drop?

A few years ago, maybe it would have been just the nature of their history, but not it is the nature of her progressively abhorrent behavior.

 

[Ben_Hur]

No, this is not an unreasonable request by you, even if everything that you told us about her wasn't true. And if the reverse was true, and your wife was the one standing where you are now, that would not be an unreasonable request on her part either. Nothing like this should come in between a husband and wife, nothing that makes either spouse feel uncomfortable or "insecure" about their marriage (the two of you have to put yourselves first in each other's lives)! Marriage is tough enough as it is and this sounds like trouble.

I wouldn't ask her how she'd feel if you were doing the same thing to her (she'll just tell you that she would be fine with it). Instead, ask her how she'd feel if she told you something you were doing made her feel uncomfortable or insecure, but in spite of knowing that, you went right ahead and did it anyway!

Praying for you two.

--David

Thank you for the prayers and thanks for the advice. I'll give it a shot the next time I get a suitable opportunity. Yes, we've already been over what if I did the same thing. She goes so far as to suggest I go friend some old girlfriends. I believe she just wants to give me this freedom so she can be justified in doing whatever she wants.

 

[Ben_Hur]

It depends on the person. some couples are "cool like that" but me? I have anxiety. I've been lied to in the past. My hubby has PTSD. we do best not having questionable friends on facebook or leaving eachother over night or going whole days without talking/texting. it's not that either of us thinks the other will cheat... but it causes anxiety to well up in both of us and to stay away from triggers that can be avoided is important.

Yes, unfortunately, I'm the only one with anxiety. She's effectively drugged up with anti-depressants, alcohol, and marijuana to be ok with almost anything - EXCEPT for understanding MY anxiety.

 

[WolfGate]

Not unreasonable. Personally, I have a couple of former girlfriends as facebook friends. Been married for 26 years, the women all live pretty far away, and any posting we do is the usual stuff commenting on kids, food, etc.

However, if my wife asked me to unfriend them, I would. I would also want to talk about why because if the reason was she didn't trust me, that would hurt and we'd need to work out why - though I would still unfriend them. If it was anxiety or something she knew she was dealing with, I'd be happy to help her by removing what concerned her. My hope, though, would be that by talking about it we/she would move past whatever the issue was and I would not need to. But I would not refuse her request if she still wanted me to.

 

[St_Worm2]

Yes, we've already been over what if I did the same thing. She goes so far as to suggest I go friend some old girlfriends. I believe she just wants to give me this freedom so she can be justified in doing whatever she wants.

Right, that was to be expected. Like I said above, gently and lovingly ask her how she'd feel if she told you something you were doing made 'her' feel uncomfortable and/or insecure, but in spite of you clearly knowing that, you went right ahead and did it anyway!

Praying!

 

[WalksWithChrist]

Thank you for the prayers and thanks for the advice. I'll give it a shot the next time I get a suitable opportunity. Yes, we've already been over what if I did the same thing. She goes so far as to suggest I go friend some old girlfriends. I believe she just wants to give me this freedom so she can be justified in doing whatever she wants.

I let my wife know early on that I kept up with an ex. They've even spoken on the phone a couple times, tho that was long ago. She's a Facebook friend and we do chat sometimes. If my wife asked me to not contact her or remove her from Facebook, I would do it with no hesitation. So you can probably guess that I'll say her not being willing to is a red flag.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

We don't keep in touch with exes. I don't think you're being unreasonable. Early in our marriage, my husband asked that I remove someone and I did. It was a not a problem at all.

 

[HondaMan]

No. You're right.

Have you heard of Weekend to Remember by family life?

 

[St_Worm2]

Weekend to Remember by family life?

This ^

I highly recommend A Weekend to Remember as well. They are important and fun for any married couple to attend, but especially for those whose marriages have hit a rocky patch.

Yours and His,
David

 

[HannahT]

From what you have written about the dynamics of your relationship? I think its more than reasonable request.