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Don't want divorce, but I hate being married!

Discussion in 'Separation and Marriage Restoration' started by Christy84065, Mar 29, 2012.

  1. Christy84065

    Christy84065 Newbie

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    I have been with my husband for about 14 years. We have been married for 11 years. I remember loving him so much I could not stand being apart from him. But as we got married and he could not leave his games alone to spend time with me I grew resentful within six months. We were married in January and I got pregnant in April. Which only made me more emotional. We had more disagreements as I felt ignored and he probably felt like I was trying to control him. We had our first physical fight around this time. I was so angry and hurt I told him that "So help me G*D" something er other he better do this or that. And he was furious that I used the Lord's name in vain, and probably angry from me nagging because I wanted him to come to bed with me... he pushed me up against the wall and eventually was pinning me to our bed. That's the worst it got that time. But it set the tone of our marriage. This is the cycle we run. He retreats to his games or hobby, I feel ignored and start nagging, he ignores me further and eventually blows up calling me names and blaming me for his gaming. He later feels bad, apologizes and we *make up* as it were. He would be encouraged and say he was happy things were getting better. Then the dance begins again. Just lastnight while I was at work, my computer monitor at home died. I called him this morning while he was at work saying (in a good tone) "You wanted a new monitor!" Thinking he might want to meet for lunch at Costco to look for another one. He does want a new one. He was upset at me and told me it is my fault the monitor died. If I had just listened to him and turned it off when it was not being used... and so on. I have been turning it off, a lot. I am not the only one who uses the computer and can't control when it is on all the time. After he got in the last word, he hung up on me only to text me outlining his reasoning for why it was my fault and gave me two reasons. And ended the text with "Conclusion: You're stupid". I have been called names and I heal and move on, the scars remain and there definately is a wall I guard myself with. It just kills me to be MARRIED, stuck for life with a person who thinks of me as stupid or the other things he calls me. I am not guiltless in this story, I know that. I know I have made mistakes I would go back and undo. My question is where do I go from here?
     
  2. athenken

    athenken Barbary pirates? Or are they?

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    Have you ever considered marriage counselling or a retreat? It appears you both have too much to just resolve on your own and need some outside help. My suggestion would be to approach either an elder or the pastor of your church first, and see if either they have the time, or could recommend someone to help you through your struggles.

    Do not give up. As they say, anything worth doing, including marriage, is worth doing right. Also, marriage is a journey, not a destination.

    I hate being cliche, but these things are true.
     
  3. Christy84065

    Christy84065 Newbie

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    I have considered marriage counselling. I haven't asked in a while. But the last time I asked he was angry and said that if I wanted to go to therapy then I didn't think we were worth saving. I paid for a retreat a year or so ago and things were better for a few months. But are back to square one now.
    I definately don't want to give up. That's why I am here. I don't want an ugly divorce. And thank you for the cliches! Marriage is a journey. Sometimes in seperate directions.
     
  4. athenken

    athenken Barbary pirates? Or are they?

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    One thing you can do, from your end of it, is to sit and watch him play a game or two to find out why they interest him so much.

    I know I have this weakness as well, but mine stems from a habit I have had for a long time where if I get bored I usually go find some game to play or watch tv. My wife, bless her soul, has never nagged me about it. She has mentioned it from time to time, but I never let it get in the way of things I need to do around the house, especially where family is involved. Either her or the kids.

    I once said to her shortly after we get married that if there ever came a time where she needed to nag me about something it just means I am being lazy and she was calling me out on it. I very rarely, if ever, get defensive when these moments occur.

    That being said, I think it would be extremely beneficial for you both to see at least your pastor, if not a marriage counselor. His assumption that the marriage is over if you think you need counselling is completely false. It just means that you recognize there is a problem and want to fix it. If you didn't care you wouldn't be looking for a way to fix it.

    It sounds like he has some pride he needs to deal with, but he will only see it if someone else he respects calls him out on it. By this I mean a close friend or an elder in the church. He should be listening to you, but apparently that isn't working at the moment.

    I speak from experience when I say that it is really eye opening when someone you don't expect puts up a mirror in front of you and, in a respectful way, identifies you have some fault that is pride based.
     
  5. Christy84065

    Christy84065 Newbie

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    He has been playing World of Warcraft since the Beta days. It has been close to eight years now. The first 4-5 years I refused to play because I saw how addicting it was and was not interested in the game. After our first miscarriage I was so depressed and was looking for anything to take my mind off the sadness I was feeling. I started a character and LOVED it! I played so much I found myself staying up till 3 am most nights. I stopped playing about a year ago because my housework was suffering and I had four boys that needed me. He still plays and raids two nights a week. One of them is my only night off so I get no date nights or time to myself without the boys. Because he has commited his time to strangers.
    Marriage counseling is our only hope. Or, like you said, a close friend saying something. His mother and step father know how we have struggled and his sisters have told him how he can be. It has not changed how he treats me. I'm not trying to make excuses. Thank you for yout input. Sometimes I just feel at my end!
     
  6. athenken

    athenken Barbary pirates? Or are they?

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    What you just described about WOW is exactly why I have never played it, aside from the fact that I could not justify spending that much a month on a game. There are other games I have probably played as much on the PC, which ended last summer. It could have been God or something else, but while I was playing a game called Mount and Blade: Warband, very cool game by the way ;), my computer crashed and hasn't been the same since. I basically used that as an excuse to focus on other things.

    Don't get me wrong, I do still play some games, just not as involved as rpg's or the like. Mostly games on Facebook that force you to only spend brief amounts of time playing, unless you want to spend money on them, which I don't.

    One suggestion in light of the season we are currently coming out of, Lent. Suggest to your husband that he "fast" from WOW, and suggest that you will give something up just as well. Then use that freed up time to focus more on God and your marriage. Do this for at least 20 days and stretch it a full 40 and see where that takes you.
     
  7. Christy84065

    Christy84065 Newbie

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    Getting him to make any comprimise about the game has been fruitless. I finally did tell him lastnight that if he did not talk to the guild leader about Thursday nights, I would. He said that he would. My only other night off is Tuesday which is taken up by Scouts for our three older boys. Not even for "god" things. He is a God believing person, but you might not call him a believer. He is not quite there yet. He was raised in a very controlling religion, where he did things because he had to. We left that about four years ago. And I don't know where he is with it all right now. He has a problem with a lot of things at our church. Well, mainly one thing. But he did just join the York Rite in Masonry, he does believe in Christ, I just don't know if he has accepted the sacrifice.
     
  8. athenken

    athenken Barbary pirates? Or are they?

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    It definitely sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. Being at odds in a marriage is one thing, but also adding the fact that you unequally yolked is another. Only you will know as to how drastic the measures are that you will need to take, but one tactic you can use, possibly as a last resort, is to ask him what is more important, some stupid game, or his family. Because, literally if it does come to divorce, which I do not condone in any way, would completely tear your family apart. Completing a quest is nothing compared to keeping your family.

    Is he involved in scouts along with your boys? If not he should be. I have three boys of my own and I know when I was growing up I wished my dad had been involved with me in our church's version of scouts. I am in the process of setting up a similar program at our church so I can get involved with my boys.

    On the surface it just seems like he is being selfish, but of course there could be other things underneath. Somehow this needs to be fleshed out before any kind of healing and growth can take place.

    I pray you find someone that is able to get through to him.
     
  9. bethrow

    bethrow Veteran

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    What you may need to do is sit down and write your husband a letter. Don't accuse him or point fingers because obviously he isn't entirely at fault here, but you are not happy and you feel unappreciated. Sometimes a letter gets the point across without talking and ending up in a heated argument. You feel he thinks you are stupid and unworthy of his attention, time, and love. Any man who calls his wife stupid is a jerk and I think that is disgusting behavior. In your letter you need to say that you both need counseling or you may want to take a break.
    Does he not understand that his game playing could break up his family? I can understand having a hobby, but those dumb games are ridiculous. It sounds as if he's not happy. I'd be putting my foot down and giving him an ultimatum. Either the games or his family. It sounds like a break might be what is needed if he doesn't go to counseling with you.
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2012
  10. gabrielle2012

    gabrielle2012 Newbie

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    You mentioned physical abuse in your first post. Is it still happening or are you only being verbally and emotionally abused. I've been there. Both the physical and verbal abuse. I would also downplay it, because I was mortified that it was happening to me. I thought in some ways that I must deserve it, because he beat that feeling into me. He only did visible damage to me a few times, so there was no evidence. He made me think that nobody would believe me. Any physical abuse is unacceptable. Verbal abuse does leave scars as well.

    Do your boys see and hear his abuse? My children are still affected by what they heard and saw... even my son, who was under two years old when we left. My daughter was 9 and went through therapy for PTSD from the time she was 12 till 18. The first physical fight was the night before my daughter's baptism when she was 2 weeks old. I've never heard of abuse starting and not escalating.

    I'm not telling you what to do, but please know that there are worse things than divorce. Take it from a survivor, for what it's worth.

    Praying for you...
     
  11. Diane_Windsor

    Diane_Windsor Senior Contributor

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    Get yourself and your children out of your house today and go to a women's shelter if neccessary. Your children have the right to grow up in a safe and loving enviroment and you have the right to live your life in peace and not be abused. Get out today.
     
    SearchingStudent likes this.
  12. SearchingStudent

    SearchingStudent Senior Member

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    There is a violence cycle happening here. It may not be physical at this time, but he's still doing the same DV cycle. It goes like this: Calm, explosion, violence, make up, etc. Only HE can break the cycle.

    He's blaming you for stupid stuff and telling you that you're the reason he retreats into gaming...I call bullpucky. Batters blame everyone else for THEIR problems. Its time to separate for your and your children's safety. Let him face the world w/o you to blame for everything. My X (mr. wife and child beater) STILL blames me for stuff even though we've been divorced for 15 years. That's the mindset of those types. Fortunately, when our last child turned 18, I told him to never, ever contact me again or even let my name come from his lips (or any other derrogatory term referring to me). His children told him to blow when they turned 18. His sons have chosen to be legally adopted by my husband and changed their names accordingly. The X didn't take it very well when the boys told him. Not my problem!

    In a nutshell, it's time to get yourself away from that situation before the damage gets any worse.
     
  13. AngelLoverMom

    AngelLoverMom Tabetha (Tabby)

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    WOW This sounds EXACTLY how our marriage is now. My husband and I have been married 10.5 years now (together for 12 yrs) My husband is the same way your husband is except for the physical abuse and the name calling. My husband blames me for everything and the only thing he feels that is wrong in our marriage is the sex issue. But I see so much more...I see, bad communication, where I try to communicate but he never seems to care about what I say. Also time together never really happens. His TV is so important to him. He always has something he has to watch or record. He doesnt take care of himself as much as he really should, He would only take showers when he wanted sex. I felt so used when he did this, etc. I have discussed all of this in a calm matter numerous times to him and he would be good for a month or so but then it would go back to where he would just stop everything. I know there are things that I need to work on in this marriage too...I see that. So one day I talked to a friend of mine she said that God doesnt want us to give up on this marriage. We have to keep trying and if we include Hiim (God) in our marriage more, it WILL work. Im not sure what religion you study, but I went thru our bedroom and annoited with oil my hubby's pillow, our side of the bed, door ways, closets, windows, everything...also I annointed everything in the bathrooms, kids rooms, kitchen, livingroom, hallways, etc. While annointing everything I prayed for all evil to leave, for God to give me a stronger heart, to open my husbands eyes to what is going on in our marriage, etc. Just pray what ever God lays on your heart and trust that He will help you. And let me tell you what a difference it has made already. I just annointed everything last week. My husband has been so sweet. EX. Mother's He never understood why mother's day was so important to me so he never got me anything or acknowledged it at all but suddenly this yr he gets me something I have been wanting for yrs...A birth stone ring with all our birthstones in it. I was shocked. But I know God has his hand on that one. I know He (God) is working on our marriage because I am doing what He wants me to do. I will send you a website. It is of some sermons that our pastor is talking about...its on Marriage. Listen to those on your comp and do what they teach and see the transformation it will make.

    im sorry this is so long but I had to let you know that you dont need to give up on your marriage and God. God has you two married for a reason. Think of Him. Think about what God wants for you two. He WILL get you two thru this. Ill be praying for you and your husband.
     
  14. athenken

    athenken Barbary pirates? Or are they?

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    The common denominator I see here is a lack of accountability for your husbands. I am not referring to accountability to their wife, but accountability to a third party. Definitely, God, but also on a more human level, to a friend or an elder or deacon in the church. Your husbands are slipping back into their old routines because the only consequence they see is conversation now and then that prompts them to "behave". Quite frankly they are acting like grown children and need to be held accountable. Of course real change will not take place until they take ownership of their own sin and start doing something about it.

    My suggestion, as has been before, is to approach an elder or deacon in your church, or possibly your pastor, to see if something can be done.
     
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