My wife isn't here and I really have 0 reason to live. Nothing makes me happy in life and been struggling for years. I'm ready to end it all. People always write songs about how you can't live without another person, but when I say I can't live without her people just blame me and tell me to get psychiatric help, which I AM getting.
Don't have any more reason
- Thread starter Hanging On
- Start date
It is hard but our purpose for being here is determined by God and not based our our wants and desires. I think there is a reason that we are left behind but it takes time to learn what it is.
Yes, it is hard....harder than anyone who has not walked in our shoes can imagine. Early on, it is about just finding a way to survive the moment right in front of you and over time, surviving gets easier ... probably never "easy" but it does get easier.
There is still life to live and smiles to be found...and even more important, people to help and serve in God's name.
If you are very early in this journey, then surviving each day is good enough. Heck, even 4 1/2 years out, I still have days like that but they are more isolated. There are also smiles and laughter and happy times too.
Keep holding on...one day at a time...or maybe one moment at a time....
Yes, it is hard....harder than anyone who has not walked in our shoes can imagine. Early on, it is about just finding a way to survive the moment right in front of you and over time, surviving gets easier ... probably never "easy" but it does get easier.
There is still life to live and smiles to be found...and even more important, people to help and serve in God's name.
If you are very early in this journey, then surviving each day is good enough. Heck, even 4 1/2 years out, I still have days like that but they are more isolated. There are also smiles and laughter and happy times too.
Keep holding on...one day at a time...or maybe one moment at a time....
Upvote
0
Dear Hanging On,
My wife is dead. I've often thought of taking a chance and ending my life, in case God allows me to be redeemed and us to be together. Life without her is frankly unlivable. Three thoughts persuade me otherwise.
1) The choice before me is between dying now, or dying in some decades time after living a life honoring her and God. The second option is selfless and beautiful, the first is not.
2) When CSLewis' wife died he wrote a book about it. In that book, he wonders whether bereavement is just another stage of the relationship, like the honeymoon. On this view, our being separated from our wives is a necessary part of the process of perfecting us and our relationship. And, I desperately hope, we are together again for eternity and the relationship is so much stronger and better for the separation.
3) Hardest of all, God requires that I love him first. And that means putting him first, above myself and even above my wife. It feels utterly cruel. And I don't have to enjoy it. But I will do it.
I do not know if these thoughts will provide any strength for you. They do not always help me, but sometimes they do. Each day the pain is worse, and I only have more or less courage to face it. I hope that God takes us home before our courage fails.
I am sorry if this is too trite. I know there are no solutions, and no proper response to death other than to scream and to weep. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.
Kit
My wife is dead. I've often thought of taking a chance and ending my life, in case God allows me to be redeemed and us to be together. Life without her is frankly unlivable. Three thoughts persuade me otherwise.
1) The choice before me is between dying now, or dying in some decades time after living a life honoring her and God. The second option is selfless and beautiful, the first is not.
2) When CSLewis' wife died he wrote a book about it. In that book, he wonders whether bereavement is just another stage of the relationship, like the honeymoon. On this view, our being separated from our wives is a necessary part of the process of perfecting us and our relationship. And, I desperately hope, we are together again for eternity and the relationship is so much stronger and better for the separation.
3) Hardest of all, God requires that I love him first. And that means putting him first, above myself and even above my wife. It feels utterly cruel. And I don't have to enjoy it. But I will do it.
I do not know if these thoughts will provide any strength for you. They do not always help me, but sometimes they do. Each day the pain is worse, and I only have more or less courage to face it. I hope that God takes us home before our courage fails.
I am sorry if this is too trite. I know there are no solutions, and no proper response to death other than to scream and to weep. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.
Kit
Upvote
0
Faithhopelove129
Faithhopelove129
Although my heart goes out to you and others who can't seem to get on their feet after losing a spouse, it is also frustrating because there are so many of us out there who would love to find a kind, decent Christian for marriage. God said "It is not good for man to be alone" and then He made a help mate for him. Don't try to be more spiritual than God. Be proactive and do something about it if being alone is too hard. All the tears in the world won't bring your wife back so get on with it and find a new love. There are so many good women out there, you really have no excuse.
God bless,
Anna
God bless,
Anna
Upvote
0
Dear Anna,
Thanks for the kind words. I am sorry that you are frustrated.
Mate, you've managed to say something that didn't seem to take proper account of our suffering, and also went against the Biblical view of these matters.
Profound sorrow is the appropriate response to death. For this is what Jesus' own response was to the death of a friend. He expressed his sorrow: he wept. We are simply doing the same. So our response is the right one. And do not think that our grief at death is greater than God's, he gave his life to undo it's effects. We are not trying to be more spiritual than God, our sorrow at the death of our loved ones is merely a pale imitation of his.
Please don't say that we can't seem to get back on our feet and that we have no excuse and that we should get on with it. This comes across as judgmental and as failing to acknowledge how great our suffering is (unless you have been widowed too?). More importantly, I suspect that getting back on our feet in the sense you seem to mean is not something we ought to do. I will work through the suffering that God sends me, and hope that it brings me to perfection. But I won't, and shouldn't, do whatever it takes to make me happy or marriageable or acceptable to society. If that comes, then great. But I will pursue God's will first.
Furthermore, Paul advises against remarriage: "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do." (1 Corinthians 7:8.) Personally, I don't want to get remarried, and I am glad that the Bible supports me. So perhaps the quote from Genesis is misapplied here.
Please, use more gentle and considerate words, even when you are frustrated.
Take care mate,
Kit
Thanks for the kind words. I am sorry that you are frustrated.
Mate, you've managed to say something that didn't seem to take proper account of our suffering, and also went against the Biblical view of these matters.
Profound sorrow is the appropriate response to death. For this is what Jesus' own response was to the death of a friend. He expressed his sorrow: he wept. We are simply doing the same. So our response is the right one. And do not think that our grief at death is greater than God's, he gave his life to undo it's effects. We are not trying to be more spiritual than God, our sorrow at the death of our loved ones is merely a pale imitation of his.
Please don't say that we can't seem to get back on our feet and that we have no excuse and that we should get on with it. This comes across as judgmental and as failing to acknowledge how great our suffering is (unless you have been widowed too?). More importantly, I suspect that getting back on our feet in the sense you seem to mean is not something we ought to do. I will work through the suffering that God sends me, and hope that it brings me to perfection. But I won't, and shouldn't, do whatever it takes to make me happy or marriageable or acceptable to society. If that comes, then great. But I will pursue God's will first.
Furthermore, Paul advises against remarriage: "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do." (1 Corinthians 7:8.) Personally, I don't want to get remarried, and I am glad that the Bible supports me. So perhaps the quote from Genesis is misapplied here.
Please, use more gentle and considerate words, even when you are frustrated.
Take care mate,
Kit
Upvote
0
Faithhopelove129
Faithhopelove129
Hi Kit,
Please do not misunderstand. I was not referring to the newly bereaved, but to people who are four and five years out from their loss. Yes, I agree that if you are more productive for God and more productive in your personal and career life by remaining unmarried three, four, or five years after your loss, then by all means follow your heart. However, if you are struggling and lonely, and your single status is neither fulfilling you nor making you more productive for God, you are probably stuck and need to get back in the game and find a new partner.
Yes, I have experienced death and loss, and yes, I have experienced loneliness that has made me feel like giving up and going to heaven ahead of schedule, but I do not believe that my self-imposed long-term loneliness and suffering brings any glory to God or helps anybody. My pastor preached this from the pulpit once and it woke up a lot of men in particular who had been living in emotional limbo for years, afraid to commit themselves to a new relationship.
Unless you have received a personal word from God telling you to remain single, it isn't healthy or even particularly scriptural, i.e., "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helpmate for him." Again, don't try to be more spiritual than God who created man and woman for mutual support and companionship. And don't confuse passivity or fear with spirituality. Our purpose on this earth is to love and be loved.
In kindness and love,
Annie
Please do not misunderstand. I was not referring to the newly bereaved, but to people who are four and five years out from their loss. Yes, I agree that if you are more productive for God and more productive in your personal and career life by remaining unmarried three, four, or five years after your loss, then by all means follow your heart. However, if you are struggling and lonely, and your single status is neither fulfilling you nor making you more productive for God, you are probably stuck and need to get back in the game and find a new partner.
Yes, I have experienced death and loss, and yes, I have experienced loneliness that has made me feel like giving up and going to heaven ahead of schedule, but I do not believe that my self-imposed long-term loneliness and suffering brings any glory to God or helps anybody. My pastor preached this from the pulpit once and it woke up a lot of men in particular who had been living in emotional limbo for years, afraid to commit themselves to a new relationship.
Unless you have received a personal word from God telling you to remain single, it isn't healthy or even particularly scriptural, i.e., "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helpmate for him." Again, don't try to be more spiritual than God who created man and woman for mutual support and companionship. And don't confuse passivity or fear with spirituality. Our purpose on this earth is to love and be loved.
In kindness and love,
Annie
Upvote
0
Dear Annie,
So sorry to hear of the death of your partner.
I hope it's not too intrusive, but I'd be really interested to know what your experience after was like - did the pain ever stop for you? It sounds like you left it a few years after they died before finding anyone else. Did you make a deliberate choice not to date ever again? And if so, why did you make it and why did you change your mind?
"Unless you have received a personal word from God telling you to remain single, it isn't healthy or even particularly scriptural, i.e., "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helpmate for him." "
I'm confused. Are you saying that Paul was disagreeing with scripture? It's not at all obvious to me that the Genesis passage implies that widows/widowers ought to be married unless they have personal word not to do so. I agree that it's not good for man to be alone, but that doesn't seem to mean that I must marry. And Paul just seems to say so clearly, of this specific situation, that it's fine to remarry and even better not to if you can handle the lack of sex. I'm no theologian, but this passage seems difficult to interpret any other way. Is there something I am missing?
Best,
Kit
So sorry to hear of the death of your partner.
I hope it's not too intrusive, but I'd be really interested to know what your experience after was like - did the pain ever stop for you? It sounds like you left it a few years after they died before finding anyone else. Did you make a deliberate choice not to date ever again? And if so, why did you make it and why did you change your mind?
"Unless you have received a personal word from God telling you to remain single, it isn't healthy or even particularly scriptural, i.e., "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helpmate for him." "
I'm confused. Are you saying that Paul was disagreeing with scripture? It's not at all obvious to me that the Genesis passage implies that widows/widowers ought to be married unless they have personal word not to do so. I agree that it's not good for man to be alone, but that doesn't seem to mean that I must marry. And Paul just seems to say so clearly, of this specific situation, that it's fine to remarry and even better not to if you can handle the lack of sex. I'm no theologian, but this passage seems difficult to interpret any other way. Is there something I am missing?
Best,
Kit
Last edited:
Upvote
0
Faithhopelove129
Faithhopelove129
Hi Kit,
I am a Bible college graduate and former Christian missionary, so I am well acquainted with gnosticism or "super-spiritual" thinking. The positive thing about it is that people who strive after high (and often unattainable) spiritual standards are usually sincere about pleasing God and putting Him first. The negative is that people who think this way are often very legalistic and tend to be judgmental toward anyone who thinks differently, and it is often motivated by an underlying psychological issue such as fear of being hurt or rejected or of displeasing God, or some form of codependent passivity that keeps them from pursuing the normal human need for love and companionship. I was ready to move on and love again after about a year, but I met very few men who genuinely loved the Lord and most widowers were stuck in the past even after several years. I think it is sometimes easier for women to move on than for men.
As a sidenote, Paul the Apostle states that everyone is given different "gifts" and his gift was being content to remain unmarried (although he was probably married at some point since most Bible scholars believe Paul was a member of the Sanhedrin). That God would give Paul this gift is completely understandable since the New Testament Church was very new and Paul's role as an apostle would be critical to establishing the Christian movement.
Annie
I am a Bible college graduate and former Christian missionary, so I am well acquainted with gnosticism or "super-spiritual" thinking. The positive thing about it is that people who strive after high (and often unattainable) spiritual standards are usually sincere about pleasing God and putting Him first. The negative is that people who think this way are often very legalistic and tend to be judgmental toward anyone who thinks differently, and it is often motivated by an underlying psychological issue such as fear of being hurt or rejected or of displeasing God, or some form of codependent passivity that keeps them from pursuing the normal human need for love and companionship. I was ready to move on and love again after about a year, but I met very few men who genuinely loved the Lord and most widowers were stuck in the past even after several years. I think it is sometimes easier for women to move on than for men.
As a sidenote, Paul the Apostle states that everyone is given different "gifts" and his gift was being content to remain unmarried (although he was probably married at some point since most Bible scholars believe Paul was a member of the Sanhedrin). That God would give Paul this gift is completely understandable since the New Testament Church was very new and Paul's role as an apostle would be critical to establishing the Christian movement.
Annie
Upvote
0
Annie
As a mother of two younger children, your words are very callous. Everytime I look into either of my children's faces I see their dad. He is very present in our lives on a daily basis no matter how much time as has past. Father's Day is just days away and my kids will still be without their father.
As for finding love, my days are filled doing the job of two parents along with going back to school in order to actually keep the lights on for the remainder of my years. Time is at a premium. Finding someone is not a high priority and I don't think the best use of my time as a mother or a Christian at this point in my life.
However, I am terribly lonely. I did not intend to be alone at this point in my life. I am not exactly sure where you suggest that I go to find a Christian man who will fulfill me and will be a good and safe addition to my childrens' lives. Yes, there are great men out there but they just are not crossing the path in my very busy life.
I will never "move on" because that is silly. He wasn't a goldfish that I flushed. He IS the father of my children and was my best friend for more than half of my life. I am very actively "moving forward". That should be enough.
As a mother of two younger children, your words are very callous. Everytime I look into either of my children's faces I see their dad. He is very present in our lives on a daily basis no matter how much time as has past. Father's Day is just days away and my kids will still be without their father.
As for finding love, my days are filled doing the job of two parents along with going back to school in order to actually keep the lights on for the remainder of my years. Time is at a premium. Finding someone is not a high priority and I don't think the best use of my time as a mother or a Christian at this point in my life.
However, I am terribly lonely. I did not intend to be alone at this point in my life. I am not exactly sure where you suggest that I go to find a Christian man who will fulfill me and will be a good and safe addition to my childrens' lives. Yes, there are great men out there but they just are not crossing the path in my very busy life.
I will never "move on" because that is silly. He wasn't a goldfish that I flushed. He IS the father of my children and was my best friend for more than half of my life. I am very actively "moving forward". That should be enough.
Upvote
0
Faithhopelove129
Faithhopelove129
My heart goes out to you because I have been in your situation, left with three children to raise alone, two with serious disabilities. For many years, my children were my whole world. Now they are grown. One day yours will be, too. I wish you all the best. There are no easy answers. Just know that one day your kids will be old enough to go after their own lives and happiness. As you take care of them, take care of yourself, too.
God bless,
Annie
God bless,
Annie
Upvote
0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums
Dear brother in Christ - I am sorry that people can be so insensitive. They never went through it and therefore cannot relate or encourage in that area. I have gone through lot of losses. It was very difficult at first - loneliness, death of dreams, love, goals, plans. You become numb and discouraged. I have new for you. This is now close to 2 years and God is giving me hope, love and awaken my dreams. You have so many gifts to enrich this world. There are so many needs that you can be used of God and become fulfilled. I thought I would never recuperate, I had given up on life. God is restoring me and He will restore you. If you want to correspond, please feel free. You are not alone, people care. Your sister in Christ manny.
Upvote
0
Lindaschatting
Fight or flight
I agree with you, and am supposing that Anna's harsh words are to hide behind her her own pain...
Upvote
0
- Aug 4, 2005
- 37,777
- 12,353
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Catholic
- Marital Status
- Widowed
- Politics
- US-Republican
Annie's words, while well-intended, are more a reflection of her situation than they are addressed to those of us who are still grieving.
There is a time for everything in life, and for some that will include re-marriage, while for others it will not. I am only 2 months into my own loss, and yet the question of re-marriage is one that i have already settled for myself.
I was blessed with a good Christian man who found and loved Christ while still in his teens. He kept those ideals of a Christian husband throughout our marriage, and i am grateful that he did. As such i have no need or desire to look for a 'newer model husband" like i would a car or an appliance.
Also although not mentioned previously, there are some drawbacks to re-marriage.
1. The re-married spouse runs the risk of being the survivor in a second marriage and going through the financial loss and grief process all over again.
2. Unless the second marriage lasts for longer than 10 years, the re-married spouse runs the financial risk of loosing what support they have now.
3. Two words--step families. When re-marrying the widow/widower not only takes on a new mate, but their extended family also and the dynamics that go along with it. For some it will be like coming home, but for others it will be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
In short, the antidote for grief is not remarriage, but time, patience, and hope.
There is a time for everything in life, and for some that will include re-marriage, while for others it will not. I am only 2 months into my own loss, and yet the question of re-marriage is one that i have already settled for myself.
I was blessed with a good Christian man who found and loved Christ while still in his teens. He kept those ideals of a Christian husband throughout our marriage, and i am grateful that he did. As such i have no need or desire to look for a 'newer model husband" like i would a car or an appliance.
Also although not mentioned previously, there are some drawbacks to re-marriage.
1. The re-married spouse runs the risk of being the survivor in a second marriage and going through the financial loss and grief process all over again.
2. Unless the second marriage lasts for longer than 10 years, the re-married spouse runs the financial risk of loosing what support they have now.
3. Two words--step families. When re-marrying the widow/widower not only takes on a new mate, but their extended family also and the dynamics that go along with it. For some it will be like coming home, but for others it will be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
In short, the antidote for grief is not remarriage, but time, patience, and hope.
Last edited:
Upvote
0
NOTWHATIWAS
I take my stage direction from God.
Dear Hanging On,
I just wanted to reach out and encourage you tonight.You do have a reason, a purpose and God has a work that He wants to do in your life. Please pray for strength. i will also keep you in prayers.
I just wanted to reach out and encourage you tonight.You do have a reason, a purpose and God has a work that He wants to do in your life. Please pray for strength. i will also keep you in prayers.
Upvote
0
Similar threads
