Does God really expect Christians to live in loveless marriages?

[Boidae]

I didn't say there was anything wrong with saying or wishing them, what I am suggesting however, is that Biblical Love wishes and hopes for peace and comfort, not happiness. I am also suggesting that when the OP asks the question, "what does God..." then the answers we give should be those that God says, not those that we desire. IOW's where it is fine to wish for and hope that your ex wife find happiness, by virtue of the OP, you are off topic to talk about what you want for your exwife rather than what God wants for her or you or marriage. God wants healthy marriages that are full of HIs peace, HIs grace, HIs comfort, HIs Love. Nothing at all about happiness, that is a man made idea that we are taught from birth, that there is a happily ever after that we need to strive for rather than the peace and Love that God promises when we follow HIm.

Umm... okay.

 

[razzelflabben]

Umm... okay.

See, that is one of the great values of Love. Love doesn't rely on happiness which is fleeting and emotional, rather it relies of peace, joy, patience, hope, etc. that are lasting things, things not at the whim of our emotions and prideful pursuits.

 

[Boidae]

See, that is one of the great values of Love. Love doesn't rely on happiness which is fleeting and emotional, rather it relies of peace, joy, patience, hope, etc. that are lasting things, things not at the whim of our emotions and prideful pursuits.

As I said, ummm... okay. I still would like for her to be happy. She does deserve happiness, fleeting or not.

 

[CCHIPSS]

I don't believe that it does when two people realize that they don't belong together.

I do not believe that God puts everyone together, does he? Yes he does, but not everyone.

Some people, such is the case with my marriage do it anyway. When that happens the marriage suffers. It flounders and doesn't go anywhere. It's a dead marriage.

We know we made a mistake in getting married, and shouldn't have done so. We are better apart then together where the children suffered more from two people who were in constant strife, on constant edge and constantly walking on egg shells.

So the divorce will happen and all parties will be better for it.

I know that it sounds harsh and probably not Christian like, but it's reality. We're both going to move on, and I hope that she finds someone who will make her happy to be in a relationship. I want the best for her.

Once again I am not talking about you in particular. I understand that you are trying to look for comfort of your divorce. I do want to comfort you, but that is dangerous for other couples. They might read and feel it is also ok for them to divorce. The church should (and is commended to) love and accept you after your divorce. But a church must not say that non-abusive divorces are ok. The church must avoid being a stumbling block for others. So I hope you understand where I am coming from. =)

Love is not this "overwhelming power" that controls people. People is the one who controls love. Love is a choice they have to make.

Many people decided to stop loving. And then they try to blame that love is an "overwhelming power" that "comes and goes" as it pleases. So that they can fall out of love and it wasn't their fault. And that it is somehow better to be divorced.

When a couple decided to love one another, that is all because they fought hard to love one another. It is not because they got lucky and love "decided" to stay with them. When a couple decided to abandon each other, that is all because they gave up and stopped. It is not because they got unlucky and love "decided" to leave them.

Why doesn't God ever fall out of love with us? Because God is in control over love.

We have to understand that many sinful things are actually beneficial and pleasurable in the world's standard. That's why we sin. We do not sin because it is painful. We sin because it benefits us and it feels good in the short term, even if it will certainly destroy us in the long term in this life.

So it is an invalid argument to say that divorce is better and make both of you happier. Even if divorce is better and make both of you happier in the world standard, it doesn't make it right in God's eyes.

Imagine that a wife got a disease and became disabled. The husband decided to run away to a foreign country with all of his money and never came back. He then changed his identity and remarried. Is this beneficial to the husband? Yes. Is this pleasurable for the husband? Yes. But it should be obvious that this is also a great evil in God's eyes. And in the long term, 30-40 years later, he might look back with great regret.

 

[LinkH]

I know in the case of my marriage, we don't belong together, and some people truly do not belong together, so my wife is divorcing me and yes, we have kids, two of them. We just ignored the red flags while we were dating.

The way the laws are set up in most states, if not all, if your spouse really wants to divorce you, there isn't much you can do about it, not legally anyway. The law is very much in favor of easy divorce. And in this situation, I'm sure it's natural to try to make sense of it all. But I also remember a few years back you were writing about how you two fit together so well and all kinds of positive stuff about your marriage. If it didn't turn out well, then it's easy to look back over the relationship and see the negative things as red flags.

I know your situation is complicated. Didn't you have a child from a previous relationship or am I thinking of another poster.

I don't believe that if we choose a partner poorly that we can blame God, as if God foreordained our bad choice and we had nothing to do with it. I do believe if someone chooses poorly and marry according to the principles God has revealed, that they are married even if they weren't a good match. (Obvious example of two people not married according to the principles revealed would be brother and sister, two men, two women, etc.) I've encountered some folks who think you can only get married if God tells you to, and that other marriages aren't valid. Or they don't put it that way, but think that their spouse wasn't 'the one' God had for them. I do believe God can lead two people to marry and that it's wise to pray for a lot of direction this decision, especially with the very divorce-friendly climate we are in.

Israel was supposed to wipe out the Canaanites. But one group of them, the Gibeonites, tricked Israel into thinking they were wondering strangers, too, and not Canaanites. The people of Israel made a covenant with them. In spite of the previous command, God required them to keep covenant with the Gibeonites and not wipe them out, and judgment came on Israel generations later after Saul had broken covenant. Israel wasn't allowed to just dispose of the covenant because they had made a bad choice.

 

[Goatee]

Wife wont talk!!

I wrote her a letter this week as she wont talk to me properly! I need to talk about our marriage etc but she doesnt! She is willing to talk to a counselor though!! I told her the letter is there for her to read but she said 'when i have time!' Its been over a year now since my affair and things need to be discussed. I have not asked her many times to talk though. I have not pressurised her. This is why i decided to write a letter instead, so that she could read about my feelings etc rather than us going into an argument.

We are supposed to be going away in April too! All booked but i am seriously thinking of cancelling it.

 

[razzelflabben]

Wife wont talk!!

I wrote her a letter this week as she wont talk to me properly! I need to talk about our marriage etc but she doesnt! She is willing to talk to a counselor though!! I told her the letter is there for her to read but she said 'when i have time!' Its been over a year now since my affair and things need to be discussed. I have not asked her many times to talk though. I have not pressurised her. This is why i decided to write a letter instead, so that she could read about my feelings etc rather than us going into an argument.

We are supposed to be going away in April too! All booked but i am seriously thinking of cancelling it.

Praying...wanted to say that right off the bat.

I think a letter was a wonderful idea, it gives her time to process before trying to address things. I imagine she is still devastated from the whole affair issue, you broke her trust in you and that is a very hard thing to recover from.

As of late, my prayers have been focused on the needs of people we know. I needed to return some worship and praise into my prayers, so my husband and I decided to take an attribute of God and incorporate it into our prayers, the last three attributes we picked I think would be especially good for you right now.

1. God is patient...in fact, scripture tells us that it is His patience that leads us to salvation. Likewise you are called (and me) to be patient, to wait upon the Lord to work in our lives as well as those lives we are praying for HIm to change.
2. God is peace....Isaiah tells us that we will be kept in perfect peace when we set our eyes on Him and don't let those eyes stray, this means even straying to the things He is asking of us, no matter how difficult. Peace is like your measure of where your eyes are focusing.
3. God equips us...He gives us everything we need in order to accomplish what He wants us to accomplish. It is His equipping that we can rest in. You have been equipped, make use of that and thank God that He is a God who leaves us without excuse.

As to the counselor, I'm not a huge fan, I think way too many give way too worldly of advice, none the less, if your wife is willing to start there, it is at least a place to start and might be the very thing God needs you to do....maybe, counseling is one of the tools God has equipped you with to reach your wife with the forgiveness she needs. No matter what the end result is, God wants her to forgive. So among other things, we can pray that she will learn to forgive you for this is the will of God.

 

[Goatee]

Praying...wanted to say that right off the bat.

I think a letter was a wonderful idea, it gives her time to process before trying to address things. I imagine she is still devastated from the whole affair issue, you broke her trust in you and that is a very hard thing to recover from.

As of late, my prayers have been focused on the needs of people we know. I needed to return some worship and praise into my prayers, so my husband and I decided to take an attribute of God and incorporate it into our prayers, the last three attributes we picked I think would be especially good for you right now.

1. God is patient...in fact, scripture tells us that it is His patience that leads us to salvation. Likewise you are called (and me) to be patient, to wait upon the Lord to work in our lives as well as those lives we are praying for HIm to change.
2. God is peace....Isaiah tells us that we will be kept in perfect peace when we set our eyes on Him and don't let those eyes stray, this means even straying to the things He is asking of us, no matter how difficult. Peace is like your measure of where your eyes are focusing.
3. God equips us...He gives us everything we need in order to accomplish what He wants us to accomplish. It is His equipping that we can rest in. You have been equipped, make use of that and thank God that He is a God who leaves us without excuse.

As to the counselor, I'm not a huge fan, I think way too many give way too worldly of advice, none the less, if your wife is willing to start there, it is at least a place to start and might be the very thing God needs you to do....maybe, counseling is one of the tools God has equipped you with to reach your wife with the forgiveness she needs. No matter what the end result is, God wants her to forgive. So among other things, we can pray that she will learn to forgive you for this is the will of God.

Thank you kindly.

I am off to church soon. This is where i find my 'peace'.

 

[razzelflabben]

Thank you kindly.

I am off to church soon. This is where i find my 'peace'.

In Christ, your peace is within your heart, but I understand.

 

[Lulav]

Wife wont talk!!

I wrote her a letter this week as she wont talk to me properly! I need to talk about our marriage etc but she doesnt! She is willing to talk to a counselor though!! I told her the letter is there for her to read but she said 'when i have time!' Its been over a year now since my affair and things need to be discussed. I have not asked her many times to talk though. I have not pressurised her. This is why i decided to write a letter instead, so that she could read about my feelings etc rather than us going into an argument.

We are supposed to be going away in April too! All booked but i am seriously thinking of cancelling it.

antletems, if I may give a woman's perspective. If she is willing to talk to the counselor that is a good thing, it means she is willing to work on it, just not with you yet. She appears to have been hurt very deeply, and finding the strength to forgive someone for the most basest of trust is not easy. Men are usually a lot faster healers, woman are not. If you have been her only man in her life you have taken something away from her that can never be replaced. It is worst than if you died. I know men don't think the same way women do but you need to understand this and be patient. I know you think you have been, but you see things differently than she does; you think you've given her enough time, but that's for her to decide, not you.

Perhaps it might be best for you to see someone to talk about this with that can help you in the interim period. The letter was a good idea, but depending on what it says it may be not so. Remember you wrote things down that can be read over and over. Did you write anything that would make her think you are rushing her? That could be the reason for her hesitation in reading it. Is there anything in there where you accuse her of being partially responsible for your sin? All these things could do more damage than good in the reconciliation, so if she hasn't read it, perhaps you might want to get it back and read over it objectively and maybe do a bit of editing.

Please don't take anything I've written personally, I only know from what you say here but am looking at the situation in general from a man/woman woman/man POV.

I'll be praying for God to grant you the patience you need.

 

[Goatee]

Thanks. She has read it now.

 

[Goatee]

God created us. Yes?

He knows our weaknesses?

He knows that sometimes 2 people will end up splitting up?

He know our human weaknesses?

Do you think he expects us to live out our life with someone who doesnt love us and who we dont love?

Do you think he knows that sometimes relationships are wrong?

Does he present us with our true partner after these things come to the surface?

I ask these questions because 'my' partner, 'my' wife, who i have been with for 30 years, does not love me anymore...........fact! Do i love her...........In all honesty?..........I dont think so!

Is God telling me it is over?

It certainly seems that way!

 

[razzelflabben]

God created us. Yes?

He knows our weaknesses?

He knows that sometimes 2 people will end up splitting up?

He know our human weaknesses?

Do you think he expects us to live out our life with someone who doesnt love us and who we dont love?

Do you think he knows that sometimes relationships are wrong?

Does he present us with our true partner after these things come to the surface?

I ask these questions because 'my' partner, 'my' wife, who i have been with for 30 years, does not love me anymore...........fact! Do i love her...........In all honesty?..........I dont think so!

Is God telling me it is over?

It certainly seems that way!

God is a God who equips us so that we can do all that He asks of us. He gives us everything we need so that we are without excuse. This means that you can endure in your marriage, seeking God's Love for your wife as you pray for Him to restore her to Himself first and you second. The tools are yours, you just have to make use of them.

 

[razzelflabben]

anteletems, I would like you to do a study if you would, a biblical study and if you need help with it, I am more than willing to assist you. What I want you to do, is look up two things, 1. how many times scripture tells us to persevere or endure, OT word, long suffering, depending on the translation any of these words and maybe a few more that mean the same thing. and 2. look up what scripture tells you about the wife of your youth, or the wife that God gave you. See, whether you made a bad decision or not, your wife is still a gift from God and you need to discover who she is before you can know if she is right or wrong for you in God's eyes.

I really think both of these studies will do you a lot of good and will encourage you unto Godliness in your marriage. Again, feel free to contact me if you want help with the studies but please take time to discover what God is trying to show you about marriage in general and your marriage specifically.

May you be encouraged unto righteousness as you pursue Him with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.

 

[Goatee]

Thanks people.

You know, my wife is not the one at fault really. I am just a pathetic, weak, moron of a person who should know better than to commit adultery. I have failed several times over the last year with the same woman. Why? One reason is that i know my wife doesn't love me. I have felt 'alone' for many years. She knows this as we have talked about that in the past year.

Still, i should not have stepped over the line and broke one of the Commandments, well, more than one!

I am pathetic........Simple as i am saying this as i fell yet again!!!! I feel a failure.

 

[razzelflabben]

Thanks people.

You know, my wife is not the one at fault really. I am just a pathetic, weak, moron of a person who should know better than to commit adultery. I have failed several times over the last year with the same woman. Why? One reason is that i know my wife doesn't love me. I have felt 'alone' for many years. She knows this as we have talked about that in the past year.

Still, i should not have stepped over the line and broke one of the Commandments, well, more than one!

I am pathetic........Simple as i am saying this as i fell yet again!!!! I feel a failure.

We are all failures, that is why God has to be our strength. That being said, no matter what, you and your wife both need God to change your hearts and in that change of heart discover the Love and obedience that He desires for you both. No excuses, if you set your eyes and heart on God and there stay, He will transform you into the man He wants and needs you to be.

Do you need an accountability partner? I usually find the spouse to be the best at this, but in your case someone outside the marriage for the time being might be the best option.

 

[Goatee]

We are all failures, that is why God has to be our strength. That being said, no matter what, you and your wife both need God to change your hearts and in that change of heart discover the Love and obedience that He desires for you both. No excuses, if you set your eyes and heart on God and there stay, He will transform you into the man He wants and needs you to be.

Do you need an accountability partner? I usually find the spouse to be the best at this, but in your case someone outside the marriage for the time being might be the best option.

accountability partner? Never heard of that

 

[razzelflabben]

accountability partner? Never heard of that

someone you can trust and turn to when you are tempted, they encourage you to follow Christ, to say no to temptation, to refocus your heart and mind on God.

 

[JoeP222w]

Ok, some may know my history.

Basically, me and wife agree we fell out of love approx 10 years ago! Child came along 9 years ago.

Both agree only together because of child.

No love from wife. Tried but even she admits nothing there.

I then had an affair (3 months). I told wife because of extreme guilt.

Still nothing in marriage. No love. Remember people, this is how it was BEFORE affair! I love God dearly. Confessed many times. Really committed to family but wife still has no love!!!! At my wits end so:

Does God really expect Christians to live in loveless marriages?

Love is a choice. And "falling in" or "falling out" of love is not an accurate understanding of Biblical love for your spouse. Basing your love for your spouse by how she loves you is not Biblical.

We are unlovable because of our inherent sin nature. God chose to love us while we were yet dead in our sins against Him, not because we loved Him.

Recommend you spend some good time reading and studying 1 Corinthians 13 and Hosea.

Marriage is one of the hardest things you will do in life, yet also one of the most rewarding. If you were Christians when you were married, and you made covenant before God to love, honor, cherish, serve and lead your wife. This covenant, hopefully, was not because she gives you something in return, because then it would have only been a contract.

It sounds like you both need to get some Godly, Biblical counseling. Make an appointment to talk with your Pastor. See if he can counsel you, or refer you to someone who can.

The Bible gives no room for giving up on your marriage just because you feel unloved or you don't feel like loving her.

You also need to make sure you have repented of your adultery and have nothing to do with this other woman who is not your wife. Not just feel bad about what you did because of the consequences, but understand how you have disobeyed the holy, perfect and righteous God. But there is forgiveness and restoration to be found in God, if you repent and turn to Christ.

 

[Goatee]

someone you can trust and turn to when you are tempted, they encourage you to follow Christ, to say no to temptation, to refocus your heart and mind on God.

Thanks. Nobody i know can do that