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Divorcing lying, cheating husband

Discussion in 'Divorced Members' started by Sandradee0303, Jul 2, 2010.

  1. Sandradee0303

    Sandradee0303 Newbie

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    I have been married for 12.5 years. My husband has always had major issues with porn and not being capable of telling the truth about most anything. Last year I forced a polygraph to get to the truth our marriage. He "confessed" right before the poly that he had been with a prostitute in LV and had been attending strip club throughout the marriage. He had also take a few numbers of the strippers with the intent to hook up but had backed out. He recently confessed to reading all of my personal journals throughout our marriage. He has placed us in some serious debt. Within the last 2.5 months he has spent 4k on fishing supplies/boat while not allowing me to pay the bills.

    Anyhow. I am planning on filing for divorce in the middle of August (when I have a break from nursing school). He refuses to help me explain to our son that we are divorcing. He says he has changed but I still see the very dysfunction and untrustworthy man that I have known for 14 years. He says that the divorce is basically my fault because I am not a strong enough Christian to forgive him and make the marriage better. I am working on forgiving him. I have been praying for him throughout our entire marriage. I can't stand the thought of him touching me. I have no desire for continuing the marriage. I don't believe that he has truly worked through his issues and neither does the psychologist that he was seeing. I need to save my mental health and physical health by getting him out of my life (besides as a father to my son). I encourage his relationship with our son but don't want to be in a marriage with him. I encourage him to continue to strengthen his relationship with God while I continue to strenghthen mine.

    I need support. I am so beaten down by the relationship. I know that God still loves me even though I am getting a divorce. Maybe my husband has changed. I can't take the chance that he hasn't.

    Because of all the stress of the marriage for the last 12 years I now have fibromyalgia, myofascial pain disorder, and adrenal insufficiency. My doctors have been telling me for years that if I leave this toxic relationship I may be able to regain my health.

    How can my husband continue to be so selfish as to harass me to stay with him even though God allows divorce in adultery.

    I need prayers to not be so angry at his treatment of me now. I am working on forgiveness for the cheating, can't say that I feel angry about that now. I am healing from that. His not releasing me with grace is what is making my blood boil.

    Help :(
     
  2. bliz

    bliz Contributor

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    I'm so sorry that you are in the middle of this situation.

    May I suggest that you move out and get away from this toxic situation before you make any further decisions?
     
  3. ShainaBrina

    ShainaBrina The joy of the Lord is my strength

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    I'm so sorry you are hurting. Do not let him put any guilt on you, that stuff about you not being a strong enough Christian. Pfff typical

    Having expectations of his letting you go with grace seems a tad unrealistic at this point. I think you may have to let that go... it's not healthy for you and could bring on a flare up.

    May God give you the comfort and strength that you need.
    Blessings
    Shaina
     
  4. Sandradee0303

    Sandradee0303 Newbie

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    Thank you for the support Bliz and Shaina. I can't move just yet. I need to find something relatively affordable and prayerfully in our same school district so as to not cause too many changes for my 10 yr old son.
    I don't have any money of my own either. I have been working in my H's business, running the office, since 1999. I did go back to school 3 years ago and hired someone to take my place about 1.5 years ago. I still have 11 months to graduate from nursing school (God willing I make it through)~~~!

    Speaking of school....back to homework.

    Thanks again for the support :)
     
  5. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

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    Why would your husband want to explain your decision to divorce him to the child?

    If he loves you why would he want to work with you in getting a divorce?

    I don't think you can work on forgiving someone anymore than you can work on choosing an ice cream flavor. You either do it or you don't. Not forgiving people is what burns us up inside while they live happy lives. Its like drinking poison and hoping someone you don't like feels the effects of it. You have to forgive to move on, whether you choose to stay with him or not. Put that hammer down and stop hitting yourself with it. You'll feel better.
     
  6. Sandradee0303

    Sandradee0303 Newbie

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    Autumn, my husband may not want to help tell our son but considering his incessant desire to be with porn and then cheat and lie about so many things during the marriage, I think it is the least he can do. Show our son that he will still be there for him. That he still loves him like nothing else.

    Forgiving is a process. You can agree with me or not. Doesn't matter, it's true!

    If he loves me he wouldn't have done all that he did. I was a good supportive wife and he had sex on demand for the beginning 10 years! He was a selfish man---imagine that!

    Like I said, I am working on forgiving him. It will be much easier when I am in my own house without him whining about how sorry he is. If he were truly sorry he wouldn't have continued living in sin until I forced a polygraph on him and he was caught dead-center! He would have given himself up instead of easily lying to my face over and over for years!
     
  7. janman345

    janman345 New Member

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    First of all the porn is a separete issue from the other issues you brought up (porn can be used to spice up sex in the bed room, it does not have to be something that is viewed in secret in a dang basement with concrete floors). Second I would wonder why he is behaving this way, is he a sociopath? I am always weary when a woman plays the role of a 100% complete victem, not saying its impossible but as a man on the other side of passive aggressive behavior I tend to play devils advocate, woman can do things passivly that are more detrimental to a marriage than the outward actions a man does.

    From what you describe he may well in fact be a sociopath or have some other mental disorder but it also could be that he is fed up with some underlying passive aggressive behavior and has just decided to do his own thing. Was he ever left wanting for anything in the bed room?

    If he had the sex acts that he wanted on demand then he is a complete fool and I would say he has a mental disorder. Most men would kill for a wife who acted like a porn star in the sheets.
     
  8. Sandradee0303

    Sandradee0303 Newbie

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    Janman, I don't know what faith you are but in ours there is everything wrong with porn!!! I refuse to get into this with you, I have seen your posts regarding it before!

    Yes, he had sex on demand, I rather enjoyed it until I kept catching him with porn and he used lame excuses.

    Nobody is playing a victime here! My husband cheated, I am leaving. Period!!

    He is the one diagnosed with passive aggressive-not me.
    He and his psychologist played the "sex addict" card. Whatever---

    Do you hate women? That is the impression I get from most of your posts.

    Just because I got caught up with a selfish man does not mean I did something to deserve it or to drive him to his cheating ways. Maybe he was just flawed in his character! It happens.
     
  9. janman345

    janman345 New Member

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    I agree and I said he could very well be a sociopath but you also sound like you have some serious anger issues. Just becuase I play the devils advocate does not mean you should be shooting off like that unless you are just looking for a pitty party. Mostly woman are passive agressive and men are usually just agressive. When you are talking to people you dont know you cant just expect them to be like "oh woe is me my husband is the devil" and not expect to get a little eye brow raising and when someone raises counter points you get bent out of shape. No where in the bible does it condemn porn but your entitled to your opinion, it sounds like your husband took the porn to lust by going to prostitutes and strippers but most guys that view porn dont make that leap from porn to actual lust. One could say its playing with fire but you could also say drinking a few beers is playing with fire but lots of people have a few beers on friday after work and dont end up in AA meetings same thing with porn.

    I am sorry this has happened to you but your lashing out because I played devils advocate (becuase I only have one side of it) shows something about yourself as well.

    If you are leaving then its just a paper work process unless you want help filling out the paper work or advice on how to live on your own or something like that. If your husband had what ever he wanted on tap then he is incredibly stupid.
     
  10. laconicstudent

    laconicstudent New Member

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    She "shot off" because she is here, upset, over her impending divorce, and you for some bizarre reason thought it would be acceptable to come and play devil's advocate by suggesting his promiscuity is her fault.:|
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2010
  11. ziggy29

    ziggy29 Junior Member

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    In case you didn't notice, this is a "support" forum. That doesn't tend to be the right time and place to play "devil's advocate."
     
  12. janman345

    janman345 New Member

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    Thats true.
     
  13. Sandradee0303

    Sandradee0303 Newbie

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    Thank you laconicstudent and ziggy for the support. You two are exactly right, I came here for support because I already felt beat up and bruised.

    Janman, I do not believe my H is a sociopath. I do believe he is a selfish man. He was never told no by his father and that cord was never cut. He did get all of the sex he wanted. That isn't always the reason a man cheats. When I first found him masturbating I had been "giving it" to him daily, serving his meals to him wherever he sat, thinking he was my amazing hero I had been treating him as such. The problem was his character, not my ability to be a good wife. I am sorry that you have been deceived by a passive aggressive woman but we all are not like that. If we could do generalities like that I would have to assume you were a porn addicted, prostitute visiting sex addict also! I believe that there are good men out there, I actually believe my H could be a good man if he really wanted to be the Christian man he claims he is. I just can't personally take that chance anymore.

    Yes, you are darn right I had anger issues ----directed at you for accusing me of being a less-than wife and "causing" my husband to disrespect me and dishonor our vows that we said before God.

    I lashed out at you because you deemed it necessary to question my character. I didn't ask for a pity party. Did I say "Oh poor me, my H is a piece of Poo?" No, I said, I am getting a divorce and I am hurting. I was looking for those that have been in the same position to assure me that they made it through, maybe even tell me what they did to make it better.......support, love, and comfort...yes!..pity? NO.
     
  14. faithinmyself

    faithinmyself Junior Member

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    Sandradee,

    I just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you are going through. I know it's not an easy thing to go through. some hard times ahead for you and for your son too. Hang in there as hard as it may be. God is on your side and loves you so unconditionally. Let God be your strength. I know you will grow as a christian from this experience. Sometimes I wonder why God allows us to go through these situations. I do believe it all will make sense later on and as terrible as this may sound...you will become stronger for it and I believe God allows us to go through the pain and turmoil for reasons unknown to us now but later when someone reaches out to you going through the same thing you will be able to reach back out to them and help.
     
  15. JanniGirl

    JanniGirl New Member

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    Sandradee,

    You are rightfully angry, hurt, confused, and probably lost. I also think that you are an incredibly strong woman (by your posts).

    You are right. Porn is cheating; as is attending strip clubs and fornicating with prostitutes.

    Please do yourself a favor and get tested for STDs! Please.

    Did your husband actually take the polygraph? If not, then I would suspect that what he has admitted is just the tip of the iceburg. Run far and fast.
     
  16. Spinderella

    Spinderella Newbie

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    Hey Sandradee,

    Sorry to hear of your pain.
    Let me tell you something. If you can, go to Divorce Care. I did, and it helps tremendously. My kids attended too...what a difference!
    God loves you, don't forget that. He can take the ashes of your pain and use it to create something beautiful in your life. God has great plans for you and your son.

    God bless you....it does get better, I speak from experience. Draw close to Him. He will be your husband.
     
  17. manuel75

    manuel75 Newbie

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    If they lost the incredible conviction that they can change their wives or husbands, marriage would collapse at once.
     
  18. manuel75

    manuel75 Newbie

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    Why would your husband want to explain your decision to divorce him to the child?
     
  19. d4deborah

    d4deborah Newbie

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    i am new to this forum, but I just wanted to say that porn can be very destructive in a marriage I know! I was brought up to take my vows seriously and sadly spent too many years with someone who lets just say was very open minded in his life style. I know it sounds very silly now but at the time I just went along with it, wasted years
     
  20. hijklmnop

    hijklmnop Guest

    ITA with everything you said.

    You have every right to be angry with your husband for cheating on you, being dishonest, and refusing to take responsibility for his actions by owning up to them like a man and respecting your decisions and his consequences.

    You also have every right to be angry with someone who swoops in and assumes that you must be to blame somehow for your h's cheating. Disgusting, and typical.

    Sex addict? I think he probably is, but that's no excuse. He could choose to take all the professional help he can get and change, but it doesn't seem he is doing that and you're right to leave unless and until you believe he's completely changed...and you're not even obligated to stick around if he does change. It's your choice and people should respect it either way. You're in no way to blame for the terrible choices he's made and I'm glad you know that.

    I also agree that forgiveness...TRUE forgiveness...is a process and when the hurts are as deep as yours it is not going to happen in the blink of an eye. You can choose to forgive but it takes a heck of a lot more time and effort than picking an ice cream flavour. HA! How incredibly dismissive.

    Anyways I agree with Janni...get yourself tested for STD's and as long as he still isn't showing dramatic signs of sincere change, run for the hills.

    And I don't understand why others on here don't understand why she would want his assistance in explaining the divorce to her child...? Hello? He is the one who ran this marriage off in the ditch, why should he leave that horrible responsibility completely up to her? A real man IMO would face the consequences of his behaviour fully and completely, including what he has done to his children. He should have the guts to look that poor child in the eye and give that child the best explanation he can, not leave that ball completely in his wife's court. To do less would be cowardly and irresponsible and yet typical of his character thus far.

    Also, for those who are wondering why, if he loves her, he would allow her to divorce him? Because, quite simply, the Bible allows for divorce in cases of adultery. This man has been unfaithful and divorce was one of the obvious consequences he chose to risk. If he has damaged his marriage and hurt his wife badly enough to warrant a divorce Biblically, which he has, then he should be gracious enough to let her go in peace, which the Bible also teaches.
     
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