Hello,
The saga continues with my daughter T (17 now, will be 18 in September). Some time ago I had the dilemma of her boyfriend N (18) sleeping over. In that instance circumstances intervened and I did not have to make a decision, but in another occasion I allowed him to sleep over after their prom so we could go to church together (he slept downstairs and I in her bedroom).
Around the time of her prom N gave her a ring and they told me they were engaged. She asked for a blessing from me. I told her that I thought it was extremely premature and that neither were ready for marriage; however I gave her my blessing to prepare for a successful married life (which included getting a decent education after high school, acquiring the ability to live independently, etc.). Saying that was tough for me.
After that I took a more hands-off approach: rarely forbidding any requests for activities, avoiding being too inquisitive about their activities, checking up on them less often, etc. This was due to various reasons, one of which was to keep the peace between everyone else (T, N, wife, etc.) and myself.
N got his licensed and they cherished their freedom; I also liked not having to drive them everywhere. Everything appeared fine and they kept reiterating their committment to Christian ideals, going to church, etc. I became complacent; I did not always pray for them or their relationship, which is the thing that I most regret.
A few days ago I was told by wife that they had crossed a line. I was immediately disappointed in myself, thinking that I had let them down - by not ensuring they had a safer environment with clearer guidelines. I was both surprised and not surprised at their behavior. Surprised due to T's strong faith, but at the same time this showed that she's not superhuman and can succumb to temptation just like any of us. I was very sad, disappointed, but I think I handled the situation fairly well. I did not get physical, yell, kick him out of the house, forced them to end their relationship, or anything like that. Instead I calmly told them that I love them, and that I forgave them in the same manner that I was forgiven. I said that I understood their position as I have dealt with those issues as well.
I asked them if they would cross the line again; they said they did not want to, but could not make any promises.
I am in the process of reevaluating what my position should be in this situation, what I should do, what I should say, what I should request.
I asked for a week to figure this out.
In the meantime, I requested that they not stay at N's house without me or wife being present. They obviously feel this is a huge deal and that it is a very unfair restriction.
I am torn about how to proceed and would welcome your feedback of any sort. If it would help provide feedback, I have compiled a short list of questions if you want to read them; answer any number of them if you would like.
Questions:
new_man
The saga continues with my daughter T (17 now, will be 18 in September). Some time ago I had the dilemma of her boyfriend N (18) sleeping over. In that instance circumstances intervened and I did not have to make a decision, but in another occasion I allowed him to sleep over after their prom so we could go to church together (he slept downstairs and I in her bedroom).
Around the time of her prom N gave her a ring and they told me they were engaged. She asked for a blessing from me. I told her that I thought it was extremely premature and that neither were ready for marriage; however I gave her my blessing to prepare for a successful married life (which included getting a decent education after high school, acquiring the ability to live independently, etc.). Saying that was tough for me.
After that I took a more hands-off approach: rarely forbidding any requests for activities, avoiding being too inquisitive about their activities, checking up on them less often, etc. This was due to various reasons, one of which was to keep the peace between everyone else (T, N, wife, etc.) and myself.
N got his licensed and they cherished their freedom; I also liked not having to drive them everywhere. Everything appeared fine and they kept reiterating their committment to Christian ideals, going to church, etc. I became complacent; I did not always pray for them or their relationship, which is the thing that I most regret.
A few days ago I was told by wife that they had crossed a line. I was immediately disappointed in myself, thinking that I had let them down - by not ensuring they had a safer environment with clearer guidelines. I was both surprised and not surprised at their behavior. Surprised due to T's strong faith, but at the same time this showed that she's not superhuman and can succumb to temptation just like any of us. I was very sad, disappointed, but I think I handled the situation fairly well. I did not get physical, yell, kick him out of the house, forced them to end their relationship, or anything like that. Instead I calmly told them that I love them, and that I forgave them in the same manner that I was forgiven. I said that I understood their position as I have dealt with those issues as well.
I asked them if they would cross the line again; they said they did not want to, but could not make any promises.
I am in the process of reevaluating what my position should be in this situation, what I should do, what I should say, what I should request.
I asked for a week to figure this out.
In the meantime, I requested that they not stay at N's house without me or wife being present. They obviously feel this is a huge deal and that it is a very unfair restriction.
I am torn about how to proceed and would welcome your feedback of any sort. If it would help provide feedback, I have compiled a short list of questions if you want to read them; answer any number of them if you would like.
Questions:
1. I am told that their prospects of staying pure from here on out are dim, and I agree that those desires may not be realistic. Does that mean I should stop requesting that they follow the higher standard set out in the Bible?
2. Is it unreasonable for me to request from his family that they supervise them a lot more closely while they are at his house?
3. If his household can't guarantee a safe environment, and this couple is not sure of their abilities to stay pure, how far should I go to guarantee that they can't fool around? For example, I am told that requesting they only see each other when I am present is way too restricting.
4. I am constantly being reminded that T will be 18 soon and she will be able to make her own decisions then.
* Does that mean I should let them do as they please now?
* Does that mean I should stop making decency rules and asking that they follow them after her birthday?
5. I have made some serious mistakes in my life (a long time ago, and also recently). Should I hold back on my advice or my requests based on my own failings?
6. My daughter told me that these restrictions are driving a wedge between us. She's also told me that when she's 18 she may want to move out with him to his house. I don't want that to happen. I hope and believe any friction this creates will be temporary. Should I temper my reaction in order to avoid any sort of friction in our relationship?
7. Should I schedule a Christian counseling session for them (e.g., premarital counseling) with a 3rd party?
8. I am trying to look around for abstinence clubs / support groups / classes / conferences, etc. they could attend. Should I forget this approach? If not, can you recommend any resources?
9. My wife is concerned about T's health and will be looking into different contraception avenues. I feel this is a mixed message, yet I share her legitimate concerns. What to do?
10. Since it is better to marry than burn with lust, someone suggested I force them to accelerate their plans for marriage and independent living (e.g., to this month or this summer). This may bring the reality of their current luxurious lifestyle (i.e, lots of perks, not many duties) to the forefront, and they may put on the brakes themselves. Good idea or bad?
11. Another idea: keep them completely apart for 1 or 2 weeks, with the objective of them realizing how good they have it now, and that my requests are not too onerous. Thumbs up or down?
12. I have been praying for wisdom, courage, strength, love, and peace. Will you please also keep us in your prayers?
In Him,2. Is it unreasonable for me to request from his family that they supervise them a lot more closely while they are at his house?
3. If his household can't guarantee a safe environment, and this couple is not sure of their abilities to stay pure, how far should I go to guarantee that they can't fool around? For example, I am told that requesting they only see each other when I am present is way too restricting.
4. I am constantly being reminded that T will be 18 soon and she will be able to make her own decisions then.
* Does that mean I should let them do as they please now?
* Does that mean I should stop making decency rules and asking that they follow them after her birthday?
5. I have made some serious mistakes in my life (a long time ago, and also recently). Should I hold back on my advice or my requests based on my own failings?
6. My daughter told me that these restrictions are driving a wedge between us. She's also told me that when she's 18 she may want to move out with him to his house. I don't want that to happen. I hope and believe any friction this creates will be temporary. Should I temper my reaction in order to avoid any sort of friction in our relationship?
7. Should I schedule a Christian counseling session for them (e.g., premarital counseling) with a 3rd party?
8. I am trying to look around for abstinence clubs / support groups / classes / conferences, etc. they could attend. Should I forget this approach? If not, can you recommend any resources?
9. My wife is concerned about T's health and will be looking into different contraception avenues. I feel this is a mixed message, yet I share her legitimate concerns. What to do?
10. Since it is better to marry than burn with lust, someone suggested I force them to accelerate their plans for marriage and independent living (e.g., to this month or this summer). This may bring the reality of their current luxurious lifestyle (i.e, lots of perks, not many duties) to the forefront, and they may put on the brakes themselves. Good idea or bad?
11. Another idea: keep them completely apart for 1 or 2 weeks, with the objective of them realizing how good they have it now, and that my requests are not too onerous. Thumbs up or down?
12. I have been praying for wisdom, courage, strength, love, and peace. Will you please also keep us in your prayers?
new_man
