Dates and who is buying...

[Verve]

Ok,
I was raised in the school of paying half the bill for the first few dates.
Or something similar, that pretty much balances out how much each person spent on the date.

I've heard the whole "The person who does the asking out should do the paying." thing but I still don't feel comfortable with it all the time.

There are also moments that my other female friends seem far more in tune with. Like when I started talking to this guy when we were out on the town and she excused herself to the ladies room when we walked into dunkin' because she "knew" he was going to pay for my hot cocoa. I didn't. I said thank you, but I was surprised and felt a tad uncomfortable about it.

I'm cool with guys holding doors open and being chivalrous in their behavior, but for some reason the line gets drawn for me when money is involved.

It makes me feel like they're trying to buy me or I feel like I'm using them. Is there a norm for this?

Do these situations make anybody else really uncomfortable?

EDIT: One of my friends also told me that if a guy asks you out and you don't let him pay it's emasculating. That it hurts their feelings. Is that true?

 

[mina]

When I offer to pay it's usually strongly turned down; and I usually offer to pay half.

 

[Amber.ly]

I was raised that the guy pays. But I've been told by friends that I should be paying for my half and offering to pay for the whole thing if I invite.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way here. Do what you are comfortable with. I don't mind paying but I see it as a sign of good old fashioned respect and care if the guy offers to pay

 

[mina]

^ I was raised that way as well. And the guys I've dated were also raised that way. In fact, I had no idea that going dutch was acceptable until I started posting here! I've usually offered to pay half b/c I wanted to be polite. I've been turned down every time, but I guess it's nice to offer.

 

[Andrew12]

well my rule of thumb is, if I am with a younger person, a woman, or an older person... I pay. guys around my age...I may pay for if it is a close friend, business associate, or I feel led to.

but as for where you are coming from, I can see wanting to pay half, and in some cases I might be okay with that, but not often.

for example, I was at a restaurant recently, and saw an older couple from my church, I anonymously paid for their meals, not because they didnt have the money or I wanted them to know who did it, but just out of respect & kindness.

I just feel that it is good practice to pay for dates when I go out. [now I wouldnt complain if a girl I was out with suprised me by buying me a cup of coffee in winter. ]

 

[Inkachu]

Since everyone has varying views on this, it's best for a couple to discuss it BEFORE the date. If you can't come to an easy consensus, that's probably a good sign you shouldn't start dating to begin with lol.

I believe the man should pay. Not because I'm a gold-digger, or selfish, or lazy, or any other ridiculous thing. I think it's what a gentleman does, and I think it's the way God designed us (for the man to initiate and provide). A woman who comes into a date with a long list of "don't do THIS or THIS or you will OFFEND me" is a woman who needs to be avoided IMHO. Let the man be the man; it's a man's nature to want to provide for and protect someone he cares for. Let him do it, for heaven's sake. And no, you don't have to be married in order to understand and operate by the rules of men & women.

Bottom line: find someone who believes the same way you do, and establish it BEFORE you start dating.

 

[* kittie *]

I wasn't raised to be either way. But I've grown to feel that I don't want him to always have to pay. However...guys I know seem to not like it when I pay. Although they're okay with it if I pay for myself when we grab a simple lunch...but if we go to a restaurant, he always seems to want to pay. And I guess...feels embarrassed if I pay.

 

[CocoaBean]

Ok,

I'm cool with guys holding doors open and being chivalrous in their behavior, but for some reason the line gets drawn for me when money is involved.

It makes me feel like they're trying to buy me or I feel like I'm using them. Is there a norm for this?

Do these situations make anybody else really uncomfortable?

I don't know if there is a norm, but I feel the same way. It also depends a lot on the particular guy I'm out with, too, though. With some guys, there's always that "feeling" that if they pay, then I'm expected to give "something" back in return... but again, those feelings are always greater on a first date, than on subsequent dates, once I get to know them better.

 

[Nom De Guerre]

I pay, and I don't hold doors open or pull chairs out or any of that other stuff lol I pay because, well... just because. Usually you can tell if a girl is the type who will want to pay for herself, is still getting to know you, and so on and so forth; I usually give a smile, chuckle, and the bill is paid. I don't expect anything in return, but I figure this doesn't hurt my chances either

I'm pretty laid back, so I don't hold any pressure for anybody to like me or there to be anything happen after the first few dates even; I like to feel comfortable, so I assume other people do too.

 

[CrusaderKing]

If I'm being taken out for my birthday and then still expected to pay, that's a tad bit offensive. "Here honey. Pay for my birthday present to you." Other than that, I prefer to pay.

 

[Inkachu]

If I'm being taken out for my birthday and then still expected to pay, that's a tad bit offensive. "Here honey. Pay for my birthday present to you." Other than that, I prefer to pay.

Umm, yeah, that's a bit of a "duh" situation to me. Has someone actually done that to you?

 

[Wren]

When I was younger, I thought that I should always pay at least my share (the who asks thing never occurred to me). However, I went on a date with one guy and he did not like that I was going to pay anything towards the date. My cousin (who had set us up) told me that I wasn't allowing him to feel like a man and that I should always let the man pay. That was 10 years ago. Since then, I almost always let the man pay. If it makes him feel like a man and like he's properly wooing me, then why should I deprive him of that over a bit of money? I am willing to pay half, but after getting into the mindset that him paying was part of the wooing, I started to enjoy being wooed and like a man to pay.

 

[Tehchad]

In order of priority:
1 If I ask, I always pay and turn down offers for anything unless it's crazy expensive like a ski trip.
2 If a girl asks, I will offer to pay half unless it's silly like ice cream - then I'll pull shenanigans and pay all of it.
3 I nearly always have one of my baller (I have one right now) friends around for my birthday and they pick up the tab.

 

[jpcedotal]

I am old fashion. The guy pays at least the first couple of times. Now, if the woman insists, I am not going to make a big deal about it but I want my date to have a good time with zero worries including how much a meal or movie or whatever we decide to do costs.

I will not ask the date if she wants me to pay. I just pay.

 

[CrusaderKing]

Umm, yeah, that's a bit of a "duh" situation to me. Has someone actually done that to you?

Nope. I'm just glad it has never happened. It's one scenario I can think of where I would be offended if the woman didn't pay.

 

[Tehchad]

Nope. I'm just glad it has never happened. It's one scenario I can think of where I would be offended if the woman didn't pay.

Yeah, I think this would be close to a deal breaker for me. Offended doesn't cover it for this guy. I'd wait a couple of weeks though; not on the spot.

 

[LadyOfMystery]

IMO a guy is always suppose to pay for a date, whether it's coffee or a seven course meal. If he expects me to pay, or has a problem with paying then that tells me a lot about him, and tells me he isn't my type.

 

[Inkachu]

When I was younger, I thought that I should always pay at least my share (the who asks thing never occurred to me). However, I went on a date with one guy and he did not like that I was going to pay anything towards the date. My cousin (who had set us up) told me that I wasn't allowing him to feel like a man and that I should always let the man pay. That was 10 years ago. Since then, I almost always let the man pay. If it makes him feel like a man and like he's properly woo-ing me, then why should I deprive him of that over a bit of money? I am willing to pay half, but after getting into the mindset that him paying was part of the woo-ing, I started to enjoy being woo-ed and like a man to pay.

*counts the number of times Shelly said "woo" in that post*

I am old fashion. The guy pays at least the first couple of times. Now, if the woman insists, I am not going to make a big deal about it but I want my date to have a good time with zero worries including how much a meal or movie or whatever we decide to do costs.

I will not ask the date if she wants me to pay. I just pay.

That's my guy

Nope. I'm just glad it has never happened. It's one scenario I can think of where I would be offended if the woman didn't pay.

Well, good that it's never happened, cause I'd have to lay the smackdown on some chick if it had.

 

[Revived]

This age old debate is precisely why I have decided to make the first few dates revolve around activities that do not require any spending ... other than time. A walk with the dog(s), hiking, biking, tennis, whatever. If I find that money is a huge concern/consideration during these first few dates, then it's likely there won't be other dates.

I lost a marriage in large part because of financial strife and worries and I won't let that happen again. Besides, God is the provider, not a man or a woman. The focus in any relationship ... especially in the beginning ... should not be centered on money.

I realize this rant is a bit extraneous in regards to the OP but I still felt inclined to share. If it's not obvious, the issue of money is a sensitive subject with me, lol.

 

[Rhye]

I am old fashion. The guy pays at least the first couple of times. Now, if the woman insists, I am not going to make a big deal about it but I want my date to have a good time with zero worries including how much a meal or movie or whatever we decide to do costs.

I will not ask the date if she wants me to pay. I just pay.

I like this!

This age old debate is precisely why I have decided to make the first few dates revolve around activities that do not require any spending ... other than time. A walk with the dog(s), hiking, biking, tennis, whatever. If I find that money is a huge concern/consideration during these first few dates, then it's likely there won't be other dates.

I lost a marriage in large part because of financial strife and worries and I won't let that happen again. Besides, God is the provider, not a man or a woman. The focus in any relationship ... especially in the beginning ... should not be centered on money.

I realize this rant is a bit extraneous in regards to the OP but I still felt inclined to share. If it's not obvious, the issue of money is a sensitive subject with me, lol.

That is completely understandable.