Dismiss Notice

Welcome to Christian Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Christianity in a friendly surrounding.

Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
  • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
  • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting after you have posted 20 posts and have received 5 likes.
  • Access to private conversations with other members.

We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!

Consequences for teen looking at porn

Discussion in 'Parenting Teens and Young Adults' started by adkmommy, Mar 24, 2010.

  1. adkmommy

    adkmommy Newbie

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Christian
    Just caught my 14 yo son looking at porn videos online. We have taken away his computer priviledges as well as a good, long grounding. He is supposed to leave day after tomorrow for a spring break trip with a friend and his dad. Should I cancel his trip? Wouldn't that punish the friend, who had nothing to do with this? Can he go on the trip and resume his punishment when he returns?
     
  2. PolarBear3

    PolarBear3 Newbie

    Messages:
    135
    Likes Received:
    3
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Presbyterian
    Does he feel bad about looking at porn? Have you talked to him about why it's bad to look at porn and has he understood? Do you think this has been happening for a while or was this a one-time, he was just curious kind of thing? Is he well-behaved in general or is he getting into trouble in other ways too? Do you think his friend and his friend's dad (or maybe the trip is with his own dad - I'm not clear about that) are good role models for him? The answers to these questions are factors that I would consider if it were my son. And I wouldn't worry about your son's friend feeling punished if you tell your son he can't go on the trip - that would be your son's fault, not yours. I hope that helps.
     
  3. adkmommy

    adkmommy Newbie

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Christian
    We talked a lot last night about treating women as objects for pleasure and the fact that the women in those videos aren't what real women are like and that many of them are being beaten and forced in the sex slave trade. He does seem to feel bad for his actions. It has been going on for about 2 weeks as far as I can tell. Also, he is normally a very good kid, avid reader, not too social, only a couple of friends (who also seem to be good kids.) The friend and the friend's dad are also believers, and I believe will be a good influence on him, but I have not known them very long.
     
  4. tiredwalker

    tiredwalker Veteran

    Messages:
    2,321
    Likes Received:
    210
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Agnostic
    I think that losing the computer is good. Try not to humiliate him in the whole thing. Young boys are very fragile in that area and it's important not to shame him. He was probably very curious and this is a great opportunity to talk to him about about the good vs. the bad (like you said about it not being realistic).

    Like you said, he's a good boy. The temptation of porn on the computer for a teenage boy is like putting a hungry kid in front of a box of candy and walking away. Of course they're going to go for it. So, it's probably best that you make sure the computer is in a high-traffic area (living room) and that there are filters up.

    Set him up to succeed and resist the temptation instead of allowing him to try and fail on his own (he'll have plenty of time for that in the future) and then be ashamed.
     
  5. PolarBear3

    PolarBear3 Newbie

    Messages:
    135
    Likes Received:
    3
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Presbyterian
    What tiredwalker says makes sense to me. Talking to him, restricting computer privileges and preventing future temptation the best you can are all good strategies. I would add that it sounds like it would also be a good time to talk about what healthy dating relationships look like (even if it's too early for him to date). Instead of just focusing on "porn is bad", talk about what makes a good, loving relationship and what he should be looking for in his own future. Even if he avoids porn, the idea of relationship=sex is so common in pop culture that this could be a good opportunity to teach (or teach again) that that isn't what God wants for us.
     
  6. YoDude

    YoDude Junior Member

    Messages:
    215
    Likes Received:
    14
    Faith:
    Christian
    Freaky little teenagers and their transition to adulthood, our love for them should not diminish during this time, they are still children and need lots of guidance (even though they already know everything).

    Explain how males are very visual, and that by looking at porn, these 'unholy' images can get stuck in your head. We were not designed to watch others have sex, it is unnatural at the very least, and clearly unholy.

    The real question is did you simply take away the computer and say "bad boy, no spanking...", or did you take it further and have a real sex talk. You don't have to get into particulars, just explain the proper context of sex, and sex drives, and the transition to adulthood. A young man is going to be obsessed with girls at some point, the more they know about sex and its consequences the better. I think kids slip into sex without ever having heard an adult's view on it, they get all there information from their friends - and you can just imagine the teen world view on sex these days.

    Concerning masturbation, its a dirty little thing that teen boys are likely to do - I think instead of focusing on the topic of masturbation so pointedly, perhaps the global discussion of sex, porn, and parenthood in the Christian life will be sufficient. And, don't forget to include an explanation of the latest craze: teen girls who target young boys for sex and to become the daddy of their children. There are young girls targeting your sons for just such an agenda; they decide before hand to jump your son, perhaps even with the intent of becoming pregnant, they will lie about taking the pill, so that your son will not use a condom, and then the girl keeps the kid, doesn't marry your son, lives at home with her parents, who do most of the child rearing, so that the young girl can go out and party with her friends - oh, and don't forget that your son will now have his paycheck garnished for the next 20yrs for child support. Obviously they shouldn't be having sex until marriage, but they should at least know the possible consequences.
     
  7. ThankDaKing

    ThankDaKing Thank Jesus!

    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Christian
    I realize that porn is a bad thing, but where did you get that idea? This is America, there is a whole porn industry. There's no sex slave trade in the U.S.
     
  8. Finn88

    Finn88 Member

    Messages:
    53
    Likes Received:
    14
    Marital Status:
    Private
    Faith:
    Christian
    Wow! That is Naive! Of course there is an illeagal sex slave trade! Just because Porn is largely accepted in our society (which by the way i think is a disgrace!) doesnt mean that a whole lot of people volunteer to be publicly degraded in this way! Yeah, some do, but they tend to be vulnerable teens with low self esteem who are at first pressured into doing things which they are at uncomfortable with with on the promise that they will get their 'break' into modeling or acting. They then either get used to it and cant live without the money, or feel trapped and too afraid to leave. But that is the least scary way of 'casting' your porn stars! I can assure you that wherever you live in the west, where there are illeagal immigrants, there are people who have been press ganged into the sex trade/porn industry. Vulnerable people who again, have been promised a job and a better life are forced into taking part under the belife that they 'owe' somebody something, and yes, these press gangers use threats and they use violence!

    So sorry to shatter your idea that in such a great and upstanding nation as America, such unpleasantries couldn't and would'nt go on, but they CAN and they DO!

    THAT Is why pornography is so bad!
     
  9. highranger

    highranger Regular Member

    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    6
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational
    i wouldn't be to hard on him..apart from pulling his eyes out of his head, teen guys are going to do what teen guys do.. i'm sure each one of us sins against our heavenly father several times a day, and i'm thankful that every time we sin against GOD he does not snatch us up and punish us..i would talk with him about what he is doing, but in these types of situations i try to ask myself.."what would Jesus do" just guessing probably talk with the teen about keeping his self pure and then Jesus would display that with his actions..remember, i know that i'm not perfect..so can we really expect our kids to be..??
     
  10. Johnnz

    Johnnz Senior Veteran Supporter

    Messages:
    13,589
    Likes Received:
    720
    Marital Status:
    Widow/Widower
    Faith:
    Christian
    He is maturing sexually. Of course he is interested in what female bodies look like. Punishment just surrounds sex with guilt and can make him less open to talking about any issues he has with his sexuality. Only sound values based on good reasons which he accepts will make any long term difference. If he really wants to he will access such material away from your surveillance.

    What he does need is some healthy discussion and material on sexual issues as a basis for his own values. Porn is so easily accessed these days. It's inner values that will keep him from it. These should be your priority.

    John
    NZ
     
  11. mstrohm

    mstrohm Member

    Messages:
    106
    Likes Received:
    14
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Pentecostal
    One very, very important factor here. If you give him his computer back you need to help him and keep him accountable.

    I teach Cyber Safety Seminars (which you can attend free through awebinair at cybersafetyseminar.com) and we talk about how we need to do three things:

    Disciple our children (love, teach, train, encourage)
    Protect our children
    Keep our children accountable

    The last two can be done with a very good internet filter. I have been amazed at how many children are grateful to have accountability.

    Of course there are some kids who are in outright rebellion. But many are relieved to have someone care enough to help them and keep them accountable.

    Please, please take one of my free webinairs on Cyber Safety. I think you will be glad and look back at the investment of time as well spent.
     
  12. LoudIndie

    LoudIndie Make the stupid people go away

    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marital Status:
    Single
    Politics:
    US-Republican
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational
    Hmm...someone describing the natural act of masturbation as "nasty"...how surprising. Did you know that, by masturbating, your son is less likely to engage in sex? No? Ok, then. Go stick your head back in the sand.

    Oh, and another thing? It's not just boys. I'm a 16 year old girl and I masturbate regularily :D Hey, beats feeling frustrated or giving my body to somebody who doesn't deserve it.


    I believe the white sand beaches are that way ->
     
  13. homeofmew

    homeofmew Master Trainer Supporter

    Messages:
    1,403
    Likes Received:
    979
    Gender:
    Female
    Marital Status:
    In Relationship
    Politics:
    US-Republican
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational
    It's normal for this to happen.
    punish him lightly the first time.
     
  14. Davin2

    Davin2 Newbie

    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Catholic
    my kids aren't allowed to have any computer, smartphone and things like that. it works like a charm
     
  15. united4Peace

    united4Peace Contributor

    Messages:
    6,147
    Likes Received:
    629
    Marital Status:
    Private
    Faith:
    Protestant
    Been there...am there...
    Take away the computer! Have the computer in a common room! Also put a block on the net! Dont take away the trip...going on the trip will keep him away from the computer. I just keep mine as busy as possible...better them going away where there is no computer access than staying where there is!
     
  16. Johnnz

    Johnnz Senior Veteran Supporter

    Messages:
    13,589
    Likes Received:
    720
    Marital Status:
    Widow/Widower
    Faith:
    Christian
    Ultimately it's not 'walls' that protect us but inner values that naturally repel wrong materials and influences. Building up those values should be your priority, and that involves more than mere text quoting.

    John
    NZ
     
  17. VCThreadgill

    VCThreadgill Newbie

    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational
    When you do restore your son's access to computers you can set up a software monitoring system to alert you of adult content, questionable language or even online predation. There is a program called Chatsec that you can link to your son's accounts that will alert you if certain words, phrases or content is viewed. You can't stand over your son's shoulder, but you can identify if this pornorgraphy situation continues. As one of the post mentioned, teen boys will explore and want to see what is out there. This needs to be discussed, and privacy and securtiy on your computers can be ramped up to block adult content until he's old enough to use his own good judgement.
     
  18. MamaNae

    MamaNae Newbie

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Baptist
    I faced a similar situation with my son a few months ago. My initial reaction was shock, anger, disappointment...partially because I didn't want to face the fact that my little boy was growing up and partly because I felt like it was a parenting failure on my part. Once I'd cooled down, I realized that I'd over-reacted. We talked about why it was not acceptable, we looked at what God's word said about the subject, and we also talked about how everyone makes mistakes and God loves us anyway. Honestly, I think it's common and not unusual and should be dealt with in a way that will teach correct behavior and also not shame the child, especially for a first offense.
     
  19. leywren

    leywren Newbie

    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Republican
    Faith:
    Baptist
    We recently went through this with our 16 yr old nephew. We took away his laptop, and his phone. He earned the phone back, but with parental locks on it. Read Proverbs 7 with your son. It is a Biblical example of "Sex in the City." It's hard to understand at that age the consequence to giving in to hormonal desires. That passage explains them clearly.
     
  20. LilBaxter

    LilBaxter Wiccan

    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marital Status:
    In Relationship
    Faith:
    Pagan
    In my opinion, I don't think punishing is the correct thing to do. Of course, porn isn't the greatest thing and I personally dislike it as well. But to scold him and punish him so can make him feel ashamed of his natural urges. I have a son myself but he's no where near that age. If I caught him I'd simply walk out and let it be. It's a touchy subject and you just have to let them explore, as long as it doesn't turn into a serious addiction.

    On the other hand, if you do decide to ground him, I would let him go on the trip. It wasn't a major thing such as injuring himself or others. And, as you stated, it would be sort of punishing the friend who had nothing to do with the situation.
     
Loading...