confused man

akkol

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What to do when it feels dangerous to be with your spouse? I am now on a trip/holiday with my friend and colleague.

I felt I cannot stay at home anymore after she again started the divorce threatening. I am just too much sensitive for that stuff. for 48 hours it was in the air, with all explanations what she will do, who she will call to in the morning etc. and already after the first 5 hours I started to feel worried for my heart as it kept pounding crazy fast without any rest. Then the silent treatment, keeping me on my toes wondering will she start the process now. then she seemed to be with me again, just to start it again after being triggered by something she didnt like, how she wont change mind this time, it is final etc screaming, again getting little bit more peaceful, and then again threatening "or else its divorce" And then 15 hours later coming to say she is sorry and wants to be with me, and I think first time in life said to me she loves me. But after I wanted to tell her how damaging this is for me, again she became cold, telling me it is my fault.

This was just too much for me I guess after all that 2 days of emotional shock roller coaster. I felt a headache, and started to feel very strange. I could not speak clearly, my voice became mumbling and I had trouble speaking normally, I would say words that made no sense. I felt that something strange is going on, like some problem in my brain and she became very worried and wanted to call an ambulance. I still dont know what it was, some mini stroke or just a reaction to strong emotional stress but I knew I could not risk of one more repeat of this until I have rested and feel more strong again, so when my friend proposed a trip I just travelled and now after a week I start to feel better.

I already lost count how many times she has been threatening divorce, to leave me. 2+ years ago we met online on a site where girls are looking for a foreign man. after maybe 5 trips to her I proposed. It started to already after engagement, calling it off soon, just to take it back in days. Before wedding, keeping my on my toes about if the wedding will be or not. one month after wedding starting, divorce, how she leaves me. And promises of never doing it again, just to repeat. Long story short, my friends are worried that I have lost my confidence, how they can see how my posture has changed, and myself I am worried to see how my health is not so strong anymore, how I cannot enjoy things anymore, have lost most sexual emotions and just feel empty. And now this latest episode was really hard, as I started to feel that the way I seem to react to these threats seems life threatening, the amount of stress is just something I cannot even explain.

I have to admit I seem to have some emotional issues, strong fear of abandonment, and I often try to please people so they would like me and not leave me. It is very difficult situation at home. I feel I have emotional issues, and she is very immature. I suggested we could find apartment for her so that we could try to build our relations that way stronger first instead of living in same apartment but she said she will divorce then. I just dont know how to go forward in this situation. I feel we are still like strangers to each other. the emotional closeness and trust has not developed, and it just feels difficult.
 

~Anastasia~

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Lord have mercy on you both.

And welcome to CF.

What you describe is a very difficult and unhealthy relationship. A little online advice isn't going to be able to solve the problem. And she's going to have to be willing to work on it also.

If you want a chance of saving the marriage, if it were me, I would look for a Christian marriage counselor who can help you both begin to work on this.

And even if she is unwilling, it sounds like by this point you would benefit from a little help yourself, just to get your perspective back.

You have my prayers. I'm familiar with such scenarios, and I know it can be bad. It CAN get better, but as I said at this point, I would say you need help and both of you must be committed to working it out. And if she isn't, then you need help getting better yourself.

I would also contact my clergy, in that situation.

You have my prayers. God be with you and give you strength and peace.
 
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akkol

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To give some insight, she has a reason for not being happy and to have mixed feelings about me. I didnt inform her of my past difficulties in life when we met, as I wanted to believe they are behind and how not talking about them would keep them away. But it didnt work like that.

In my younger years I had unexplained health problems. Then later it was found out that I had been living in a badly water damaged building with toxic mold and stuff, and getting out of there was the answer as it seemed to have caused most of the problems. But as a result, I had became very sensitive to all kinds of indoor problems and mold, as well as chemicals, and it took me years to get better. But when I had had maybe a year of stable normal feeling life, I felt it is a thing of a past and I am ready to start a family. And it is said that those strong reactions to indoor contaminants can be fixed by retraining your mind and not worrying about them, so I wanted to not even bring the thoughts of the past problems to my or the girls mind. But now later I understand that it was naive and not correct to make such a decision without letting her know about the possible limitations in life with me.

So when she started to find out about this, she became upset and I think emotionally shocked and this provoked her emotionally distant behavior. We happened to rent an apartment which was actually so badly water damaged that even the neighbor came to warn us of what had happened before there, and we saw the rain coming inside wetting the wallpapers, and the bad smell always. And with my sensitivity for this, I started to get sick and all this started to happen just about the wedding time. She was in shock, having always waited to get married and with wishes of how things should be then, and now some very difficult to understand illness which was hidden from her. So this was probably the reason why the relationship became so strained. And for me there was not much to do at this point. She showed me her home only after the wedding, and I immediately understood I cannot stay there, the moldy smell was so horrible there, one of those which I am most allergic to.

We went for a honeymoon trip and I became more healthy there, only to get sick again after returning as we could not find a good place to stay. I went to live with her to her parents house where I knew was this horrible smell, woke up every night with loud tinnitus and could not sleep more, wheezing sneezing all time and stomach pains it was difficult time. And she was upset seeing life so different than she imagined, threatening divorce on the moments I felt pain and I understand it that she was upset but for me, being already sick and feeling the treatment was too much and I just realized I have to leave from that toxic situation.

It took me months to get my life in order, I didnt have a home so i lived in a tent maybe 4 months and then I got an apartment..I told her she could arrive now that I have a good home but since I am so badly sensitive to that stuff what they have in their house, she should come without any belongings, and Id buy her new stuff to start fresh. I think all this was a bit too much for her and she told me to prepare divorce papers and when I disagreed she would do it herself anyway.

Long story short, after 7 months from that, more she finally arrived to live with me, and this time I was afraid to ask her to leave her stuff in a fear that she would not accept me,

and agreed that she can take all with her. It took maybe some weeks until I started to get sick again. Similar symptoms, chest pains, tinnitus, sound sensitivity, and again we started to have bad atmosphere. the last half year I have been sick, and not being able to sleep well, very difficult to concentrate on anything or work, sound sensitivity and all this chest pains breathing, itching eyes, sexual dysfunction, etc.

Finally she agreed that I can clean at home and we would buy her new clothes and send the smelly ones back to her home. But just the process of doing all this, I think for her emotionally hard, and that is why she is so easily upset and it just went too far now when she needed to send all her stuff away and it was stressful.

So in a way it is easy to understand her that she is disapointed and shocked to see and it is difficult for anyone to understand my illness, that she didnt know about anything like this before agreeing to marry me, that she had very different dreams for life and thought when she would save herself for the marriage then it would be amazing and she got some very different results. So I understand that she is unhappy.

And on the other hand, for me the worst thing for my illness is emotionally stressful situation as stress makes the body much more reactive and also I should avoid exposure to things which I am reactive to, which basically means that we must be very careful to choose a good apartment and not to bring any offending materials there. And now it just happens that she is a person who is very strong to have emotional outbursts and happens to be very close to her family and home which is a toxic place for me and now it seems I am so sensitive to even clothes which come from there, the horrible smell just keeps coming back no matter how we try to wash and even my own clothes in the same room started to smell the same and washing didnt help so we ended up discarding all. She is naturally worried, how will life be with me, will we need to move always somewhere, to throw all away often, what will happen as she wishes to have a child and take him/her to her parents house, will all clothes be contaminated always and again need to throw all away..I understand these fears and worries and I just dont have an answer. And same time I have been feeling sick and she is upset about this and it seems like a circle which keeps bringing in the results of what we dont want.

So as I wrote earlier I dont know what to do.
i understand that she is not happy of how things are but at the same time I know that in order to be successful we should try to help each other in this process and support each other but it is very difficult when there are the threats in the air and we seem to be stuck in our positions spending our energy to fight each other instead of winning the battle as a team together.
 
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Tropical Wilds

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Is the issue that you withheld serious medical challenges from her or is there something else at play here? Keeping from her a major medical issue is kind of a big deal, but you keep saying she's fine until "something happens to set her off."

If the something that sets her off is you left your socks out and she had to pick them up for the thousandth time, then yeah... She's acting irrationally.

However, if the thing that's setting her off is like the revelation above... She can't keep any of her belongings, clothes, personal items, or visit her family or expect you to spend time with them... Um... Yeah, she has a point. Announcing "hey, by the way, I have a serious medical issue you didn't know about so to come live with me you have to give up everything you have" is a shock on even the most tolerant of women. I'm sure she's probably asking herself why you're too sick to live with her family, but not too sick to live in a tent for four months (being an avid tent-camper, I'm finding that one hard to swallow too... After a week the smell of mold and mildew in a tent is pretty acrid...).

As far as dealing with it together, you've not really laid out a way for that to happen. You've stated what needs to happen, insulted her family somewhat unintentionally, insulted her belongings directly ("smelly clothes?" Geez man), and laid out a trump card that she can't answer by saying it's for your health. How does one react to being told they have to give up everything, including personal possessions, because if they don't the health of the person they planned on being with is ruined due to a medical condition they weren't told about before marriage?

That's a big pill to swallow.

The rest of it... The anxiety, the stress, the headaches, feeling empty and non-sexual, not enjoying life... Sorry dude, that's normal "going through divorce" stuff. Nothing unique or unexplained there. I'm sure the medical issues you have make it feel worse, but it really isn't anything that I'm sure half the divorce forum couldn't relate to.
 
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Tropical Wilds

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And before it goes there, I'll throw out there that I also have long-term, serious medical issues. Never would I keep that I had them a secret from somebody I was dating and hoped to marry... That's a big, big violation of trust and the ultimate bait-and-switch. Yeah, it will make finding a relationship harder and a lot of people will dump you for it, but in exchange you eventually get a partner who knows what they're going into and you maintain your pride, dignity, and your good name because you're honest and act with integrity.
 
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akkol

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I understand the point and that is also what I was saying. I was not thinking clearly at that time in a wish to have family, and to believe there would not be any problems. I was trying to close eyes from things and she feels correctly that it was not fair. I agree! And probably I also had a fear that I would be abandoned if I would explain her all and my mind created alternative explanations for my choices to make me feel better about myself.

But the thing is, that it happened already and we got married, I can just try to make things better now.

So I understand she has the right to feel I did not do correctly. And I will apologize her about this when I will see her next time.
it is very difficult to build anything if there is the resentment because of this. I cannot change it anymore, and more health issues comes for both with the atmosphere this resentment causes.

So yes I get this now, it has been a huge thing causing resentment to her. I dont know if I have ever really made it clear to her that I am sorry for this, and fully take resposibility for that choice. going trough this really helped me to see this now when I felt my first post was written just from my pain, and missing her point of view and trying to support her side made me actually see it more clearly. Thank you and even your "harsh" words helped me to see how these things can feel.

And also I have had resentment because of all her emotional behavior and the way she has been treating me that has felt very abusive. Maybe really this strong shock and mixed emotions towards me have caused her to start behaving in a way she tells me even she cannot know why she has become such a person.

So at least I feel hopeful that we will find more peace as I can more easily forget her past behavior, understanding the reasons and things which she has been going trough, and also to apologize properly and maybe it will help her to feel better!
 
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~Anastasia~

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It still sounds like some mediation or help would be beneficial.

Your repentance for hiding such an important issue is key. You really do need to take responsibility for what you've done, and seek her forgiveness.

From there I think it's time to evaluate. This isn't ideal, but you are married. If you agree with the Scriptural ideal that marriage cannot be casually dissolved, then it's going to take patience, healing, and work on the part of both of you.

And to be honest, trust can be broken by such misrepresentation, so she is going to have to learn to trust you again. That is going to need much sensitivity from you for her feelings as well ... I agree that talking about "smelly clothes" isn't going to help with that.

But if you can both handle it, the fact is, you are in the position you are in. It might be helpful to discuss ways that you can make your lives work to accommodate both of your needs, and try to avoid blaming or insulting in the process. Working together as a team to find solutions for your life together is productive and healing. And if possible, breaking the strategy down into steps so that you can set to work on it immediately can be helpful too, and show your willingness to be her advocate in this, and not her adversary.

Remember husbands are asked to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, and He gave Himself up for her. Don't expect her to make all the adjustments, especially without your help. I'm not saying put your health at risk, but as much as possible, put her needs and feelings first. Not because the wife comes before the husband, but because in any relationship, it is strengthened by thinking of the other person first.

You have my prayers.
 
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akkol

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I feel clueless. And weak, weak man without a way to control the situation. Again I am on a trip as I got too sick at home, and it doesnt feel to get better this time. But chest pain goes usually away after I get away from home.

We even went to hospital to check my heart as I had such horrible anxiety and chest pain for days. It was hard. After coming back from my last trip I had amazing progress in health and felt happiness after long time, and amazingly I was able first time in 7 months to spend time in city center without any sound sensitivity problems and felt that now we really can enjoy life again instead of living like on eggshells. But she was on a bad mood and again the situation became very emotionally loaded with her talks about leaving and closed doors at home which just again triggered my panic mode and then next days in sleeplessness, anxiety and physical problems returning just as they were and even stronger.

I understand my wife that now in this situation she is easily upset and things are far from ideal for her but that combined to my current state is just something I dont know how to fix it.

I realize that I am hyper reactive to her emotional outbursts at home, I know it is not normal to get so much anxious over threatening and showing of negative emotions that I feel chest pains for days and cannot get any help. I finally started to medicate myself with alcohol, I thought it is better to drink alcohol if it can calm down my heart rate than to continue in the sorry state of despair with heart rate trought the roof all time. It helped a bit but I cannot drink everyday.

my colleague wanted to help and asked me to travel with him again, and I left for the weekend but it is difficult to relax. this time the tinnitus doesnt seem to go away and I feel every moment the pain from that.

My friend proposed me an idea that I am just a so called Highly sensitive person and that I should accept this and respect the limits of myself. But I dont know how to do it.

I feel the situation is very difficult now. I have important things to do at work, I am responsible for something that affects many peoples life and future but this spending time in stress and being incapable of doing my work normally and with attention is really problematic. And then comes the personal suffering and health issues getting worse and worse. I just dont see any solution.

I proposed that we could ease the situation by getting a separate apartment for each other at this time, so I could get better and we could build our relationship stronger. As now the situation is that we married each other basically without knowing each other and jumped directly into living together, without really having any courtship / relationship period before that. So it sounded like a great idea to me, also my family and friend supports the idea, for us to progress in a positive way and learn to enjoy each others company and control also our our emotions and behavior better in each others company and this way we could get much better relationship instead of this that we are bot sad and incapable of using the gifts we have gotten. But she just said no, she doesnt want to live alone, she doesnt want to hear about it, I can write her a letter that I want a divorce and she will then go permanently or we continue just like now. I really dont know what to do.

I know I should somehow be more strong, not to care of negative words, reactions, shouting, closing of doors, angry faces..But I have been like this since I remember, 4 years old. More sensitive for everything. Also in a good way. But anyway, it is part of me I think. And then on the other hand, my wife is on the opposite end of scale. Saying horrible things without much consideration, slamming doors, giving the deadly stare, and then after one day turning back to normal and expecting others to be like nothing happened. She told me in her family it was ok and people didnt care about her outbursts. But for me it was always a problem since childhood, to handle such things and now I feel powerless in this situation to handle this as I feel more weak and it seems my nervous system is already become conditioned to become anxious from the subtlest hints like tone of her voice etc. like some kind of PTSD, especially the divorce stuff it just sends me to the planet of anxiety and sickness each time and she said she does threaten and say about it just to make me feel that something is important to her, that she doesnt really want to divorce. And I guess for her it is the same, she is just that kind of person who is showing aggressive emotional reactions easily and to ask her to stop this behaviour is the same like telling me to stop being sensitive person. It is not so easy. And she is of course carrying a lot of worry inside of her that affects her behavior, like a wish to go to meet her parents in her native country but not knowing how it will affect our life if the microbes from their house will come with her and contaminate again stuff..it is a really tricky situation.

So the point is, how to progress in this situation.
 
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Long Island Pilgrim

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Brother I am so very sorry for your troubles. I think the information in the enclosed videos will truly bless and help you. The woman is a Christian counselor, bestselling author and considered an expert in the community on these very subjects that you describe.

This video comes with a playlist of 25 other videos which you will see listed in the black box along side the video. And it will be as helpful and informative as any other live christian counseling you could ever receive . Plus its all free. She also has a website with a bunch of free resources which i am also including where you can inquire and ask questions. Her teachings will not only help you to understand your wife but also your own needs and issues.


Home - Leslie Vernick- Christ-Centered Counseling

God Bless
 
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Long Island Pilgrim

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thank you LIP I started to read her book

I'm so glad. You may want to also watch those 25 videos of hers when you get a chance. They are really good and they follow her book.

As you work through your difficulties , make sure that you spend much time in prayer asking God for guidance and help. That's even more important than the book or videos . I should have mentioned that first .

You also may want to read this.

Testimony Share | Healed from Hearing Loss & Tinnitus
 
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LinkH

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Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about these problems you are having with your wife.

Hiding a medical problem was a big deal. But I don't see how that justifies all this other stuff. A wife is supposed to be compassionate. It sounds like your wife has some short-comings when it comes to anger issues. We all have short-comings.

Are you and your wife Christians? Fits of rage are a work of the flesh, not a fruit of the Spirit. This is something she needs to overcome. If she's a Christian, you can show some spiritual leadership in the home by spending time with her in prayer and Bible study. Really believe God to answer your prayers.

If you have a fight, pray with her. Pray for God to show both of you what you did wrong so you can confess your sins to one another. Then do that. If she'll confess her sin to you, and acknowledge that her fits of rage and threats of divorce are wrong, that may help her a great deal. Also, if you do this with a humble heart and with faith, it is amazing how the Lord can quickly heal wounds and put a relationship back together that was off kilter... and get you out of that cycle where you are bickering and fighting. Healing up the wounds from words spoken in the past is also quite a valuable thing.

Psalm 56:3 says 'when I am afraid I will trust in Thee', and Isaiah 12:2 says 'I will trust in Him and not be afraid.' With your wife's threats of divorce and your health concerns, you may be tempted to fear, but build up your faith in God. Pray, spend time praising God, memorize encouraging scriptures that build faith and repeat them. Write scriptures and put them on your wall, your mirror, and places you can see them. Encourage yourself in the Lord.

Don't expect to get emotional needs met by your wife at this stage. Rely on the Lord for this and find your solace in prayer. Minister to your wife.

When a baby toddler throws a temper tantrum, a wise parent will not allow himself or herself to be too hurt by the words the child says. The parent considers the child to be a child. It may help you to think of your wife as a child. You say that she is immature. I was watching that old move, Gone with the Wind. Scarlet would get all upset and Rhett Butler would kind of laugh it off like she was a child. For some reason, women liked the Rhett Butler character. Being condescending to your wife might have some negative consequences, but if her tantrums do not seem to effect you emotionally, that may work out in your favor.

When she gets angry, she may feel like she has some power if you react negatively to her words. If they don't seem to bother you, it might discourage that part of her that tries to get a reaction out of you by throwing a tantrum and threatening divorce.

'Disassociating' a bit, or at least not letting yourself be too invested emotionally in her threats, may help you deal with some of these things emotionally.

It may help to tell yourself, when she says these things, she's not making statements of fact, she's just saying how she feels at the moment. If she says she's going to divorce you, you could tell her to calm down, and you aren't getting a divorce, in a very calm voice. She's venting, in a bad way. Don't let it get to you. Of course, it could signal something bad. Those threats are harmful to a marriage. But worrying or panicking isn't going to help you, so don't get caught up in the emotional storm. Don't get angry and argue back. And don't get stressed and pass out or cower under the covers in the fetal position. Just let it roll off of you like water off a duck's back, emotionally. Then, rely on the Lord for your emotional needs and get 'recharged' in prayer and fellowship with the Lord.

If she does join in prayer and confessing sin with you like I suggested earlier, you can point out how that threatening divorce is a bad thing. If she confesses it, and gets free of it, that will be good for both of you. If you actually have a conversation where she apologizes and agrees not to do it again, or at least that she shouldn't, that may help.
 
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LinkH

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God can definitely answer prayers about your wife.

My wife was hard to get along with once when she was pregnant with our last child. It was an ongoing thing for several weeks. She's gotten like that from time to time with PMS, but this was constant, not just several days in a row. She said some disrespectful things to me, and I prayed about it. I prayed about this this long list of marriage problems. I argued my cast that it was not the Lord's will for His daughter to behave in certain ways she was behaving. I prayed for the Lord to speak several things to her, maybe about seven or so. I told God that anything I asked according to His will I knew I had it, so I knew He'd answer my prayer. Have you ever prayed and you knew you believed it and recieved it? This was one of those times.

A few days later, she asked me to sit next to her on the couch. I thought 'uh-oh does she want to argue again?' Instead, she started telling me I was a good husband. And then she had this detailed list of things she said the Lord spoke to her, and she went through this list of things, my prayer list, in much more detail than I'd prayed, like a page worth of content for every point I'd prayed. There were a couple of my prayer points she told me the Lord spoke to her about those points as well.

For several days, I'd see her standing around doing nothing from time to time, crying. She would be remembering some harsh word she said to me. It was a time of healing in our marriage, and we would stay up late talking, once until 2 AM, with the enthusiasm of a dating couple getting to know each other for the first time.

That came in answer to prayer, so do remember to pray for your wife, and to pray in faith.

About the health issues, I was just wondering if you bought an air purifier with a HEPA filter, and blew it right over you as you slept, wouldn't that do away with molds and fungus in your own personal air? Maybe you could put a heater behind it if that's an issue.

You suggested separate residences. If you are concerned about health issues from the arguments, I can understand that. But if the two residences is to create a courtship situation, I do not think that is wise. Getting two residences is separating, and it is a step towards divorce. You'd be providing for her not to live for you, a really nice set up to make the amounts for alimony nice and neat for the judge.

As far as courting goes, during courting the couple get to know each other to learn about each other to see if the other would make a good spouse. You guys are married already, so why court? Way back when in some cultures, couples might know each other through living in the same village and things like that, but they just got married without courting. Marriage was taken as a real thing, a real commitment. Some people nowadays think the marriage is the relationship you build up over time. The marriage exists whether that relationship is strong or not, and you don't have to be in separate residences to build up that relationship.

As far as the health issues are concerned, if it were me, I'd be praying for healing, going to people who lay hands on the sick to lay hands on me for healing. If I still needed I'd call for the elders of the church to anoint me with oil in the name of the Lord. I'll pray for you to be healed.
 
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akkol

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It has been really hard months after last time writing. Stress levels have been horrible high. I get sleep often just 2-4 hours, with chest pains more often than not, heart racing without rest sometimes 36 hours straight..

I have been to hospitals, was given heart medications, meeting doctors, psychological nurses..all just tell me the same as my friends and relatives: these problems will continue if you stay with that person, it won't change, you are ruining your life. When I answer that I'm married..my relatives and friends no more want to support me so I just now keep it all inside.

it is 1-2 times per week normally happening that for some reason I am so bad that I deserve to be left and divorced, she shouts and threatens me and my reactions intensify for a couple of days of zero or minimum 1-2 hours sleep with heart racing like crazy and visiting hospitals and then she seems to behave again like nothing happened and tells me how she mostly wants I will be healthy.

I just don't know how to do it anymore. I have become so reactive to slightest signs of "danger". even if in my mind I don't care but some subconscious reaction makes my chest pain start and all the symptoms, already from just seeing her typical angry looking face, or hear her speaking in her typical commanding way. I just don't seem to be able to control it.
Things seem to follow the same route always. Something she doesn't like, even if I do just what I should do. Then she gets angry and shouts and threatens..and after 1-2 weeks she herself agrees and understands that I did or said just correct things, that now she understands it..but it is hard since I am so sensitive and all new situations seem to provoke her automatic reaction to blame and push me down, tell me about "all other men who are so much better" etc. until I am again in emotional shock reaction and this makes my subconscious mind to already be afraid to even live, as it doesn't matter if I try to make choices in best way but it can always still mean divorce or horrible fight and no sleep and hard chest pains for days..I don't know what to do!

Finally after realizing that I cannot destroy my health more like this I proposed she would go for a while to her parents so I could get better than now I am stuck in this loop. (she likes it there and most of the time threatens to leave me and go back there.) But in a second her understanding mood which she finally had and was listening to me, disappeared, and she said she doesn't want that she has interesting things now here, and if I want her to leave let's go tomorrow to have divorce. Boom. just like that.

And again since that I've been more sick. I don't know why. It just feels so hard like I am nothing to her..that anything she doesn't like, answer is just to divorce. Or if I am going trough this horrible situation and feels my body can soon die from this continuing, and even doctors and relatives are very worried for my health, she just puts her wish to do some interesting things here to be of more importance and only option is to divorce.

I am visiting sometimes now this psychological nurse. She found some Christian couples councelling services, and I proposed to my wife but she just disagreed that it is stupid, that all our problems are just my health and money, and nothing is connected to her, that she won't go. That she just waits for me to get better and doors shut again.

When she sees that I am really getting too much..like last time when she went to her parents for some weeks and was seemingly worried if I will want her come back, she first time told me she loves me (yeah I think first time hearing this from her after some 2.5 years since we met) and she also promised that when she comes back, finally we could have oral sex which I have been waiting all marriage. But of course nothing like this happened when she got back. It feels for her words don't mean anything, promises mean nothing, and threatening is nothing, just a way to manipulate me..

Like now again, many weeks she kept her door closed and I was here in pain and would have felt so much better from little warmth. And finally went to hospital for stong chest pain and she got worried that it will cost money, and immediately started to tell how she is now finally ready to talk..wants to listen to me, and support, please don't go to hospital. And I wanted to believe her, and it was 2 hours of listening before she changed back to herself, and about divorce again. I really don't know what to do.

About church, I cannot go with her anymore. So many times it happened that she was so crazy angry to me, when we were there together, and then with the stress reaction from that I was not able to handle the noise and had pains..and all the memories of her leaving me after church, shouting divorce, they just come to my mind and just the thought of going to church makes me sick. It is hard. About this I wanted to talk with her so that I could share this and feel that she understands me and this way would not do it again and my mind would feel peaceful..but no..she just started to justify it, as she didn't have what she wanted, she didn't like something then so that is why I got it etc..and again shock. Then she tells sometimes how she now agrees, let's go to councelling, but when I actually try to tell that now we can apply, she again doesn't agree.

The psychological nurse in Hospital told me that I am being played around like nothing before, cannot you see it, buy her a ticket to home, don't ask but just do it. this is also what all other people seem to tell me. And to be honest, I start to feel it might be the correct thing to do, as I am just too much sensitive for this and I cannot treat myself like this anymore. But same time I feel I cannot do it, as I married her.
 
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~Anastasia~

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Lord have mercy. I'm praying for you.

You've owned up to your part in this. It sounds like you've tried to work on it. It also sounds from what you describe that the situation is essentially very abusive to you.

I'm not able to offer advise from a Christian perspective regarding the marriage. That is the place of a pastor, priest, shepherd.

But if a person is being abused in a relationship such that their life, health, mind is in danger, they have every right (and even responsibility, for the sake of BOTH partners) to not allow the abuse. I don't think you can think clearly what to do while you are suffering like this. And if your efforts are just allowing her to continue to abuse you, then you aren't doing her any good either, she might be just more and more condemning herself before God, and she has no reason to change if she's getting what she wants. It also sounds like she MIGHT be simply determined to divorce, and will only do things to lead to this, but she insists you do it rather than her. Maybe.

Lord help you both. You both need help. But it certainly sounds like what you are doing is not working. It's not good for you, and it's not helping her. Maybe making some space and removing yourself from the abuse is what you need to think about the situation clearly, with the help of a pastor and/or counselor.

Honestly, being that I know the general way of thinking of many kinds of denominations and various churches, I wish you knew an Orthodox priest. Not to encourage you to become Orthodox necessarily, but because they value marriage deeply, but at the same time they understand human weakness and consider what is best for the health and spiritual state of both people, and I believe if anything can help fix it, they would be able to offer suggestions, but if it is best even before God to end the marriage, they can advise compassionately and according to Scripture and godly wisdom there.

But wherever you go for help, I think you need it. I think someone able to counsel you, and perhaps a professional, could help. I think you will benefit from Christian guidance, whether a pastor, priest, Christian counselor, or what. And you may benefit from seeing a doctor as well, to manage the physical effects and help your body recover from this.

LORD HAVE MERCY!

But if she absolutely resists, this is going to a near-impossible uphill battle for you to "fix" alone. It sounds like she is working actively against you and manipulating you. If nothing else, I think you must do something different than what you've done up to now, if you hope to change her behavior. In a sense you are allowing her to do this to you, it sounds like. And that can be terrible for both of you.

You have my prayers. Please get help. And I hope you'll post here and let us know. God be with you and help you and have mercy on you.
 
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LinkH

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If it were me and I didn't have kids, I might just leave the house if she started with a tantrum and come back when I felt like it. If she started threatening to leave, I might say the door is right there. I'm not treating you badly. I'm doing my part as husband. I'm not telling you to leave, but if you leave, it's your choice. Stop threatening. If you want to stay around here, though, act like a normal human being and stop with the temper tantrums.

If she pesters you or stays on her case, you could tell her to quit Delilah-ing you. If she objects to that idea, you could tell her a heart attack substitutes for the Philistines in this scenario, and you aren't going to go for it.

I'm all for keeping marriages together. That doesn't mean you have to stay in the room with her if she's saying all this kind of stuff.

Refuse to be around her abusive behavior. Get a lock for the bedroom door and lock her out if she wants to verbally attack you all night. Set some ground rules for the honor of having a conversation with one. That involves no yelling, insulting or threatening, etc.
 
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akkol

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thanks for comments. Getting just more crazy..now she filled the divorce application, signed it and later explained to me peacefully how she is fully confident this is the right decision and it's over now. Naturally it was emotionally hard for me to realize that this was now it, and maybe some 48 hours later she asked me to come to city center.

I thought ok I will go, maybe we will have a last dinner together or something like this. I don't know why, but before when she threatened divorce, I often felt the horrible stress reaction but this time on surface I seemed quite calm. But all the sounds hurt me very badly..when I was in subway to center I felt like a frightened rabbit with so sensitive to the noise there. And meeting her, it just got worse. could not understand what was going on. Then we were going home and now all the sounds hurt so badly that it was like torture all time. Now it's someday after that and the horrible tinnitus just persists and hard to sleep or concentrate.

And now she came to tell me that it wasn't anything serious, that she never wanted to divorce, she wants always to be with me and feels so much like a family and close with me..This is driving me nuts, I don't know..I'm so weak and seems my health is getting damaged more and more in this and all the time it's like this. I will leave you, I am serious, then I never want to leave you, signing divorce papers, and keeping me on my toes again and then telling it was nothing days later, and how she is so much trying to help me..I really don't get it.

Yesterday again she said that she doesn't have any faith in me, or that this marriage could work, or that I could ever live family life with her, or have kids, so she behaves like this because she doesn't see any future or hope for us because of my health. And my health is getting so much worse all time, as days, weeks and months are filled with stress and that is not going to help at all. For my health issues with all this sensitivities there is a working treatment, which is called "dynamic neural retraining" which I did 3 years ago but stopped early when I started to feel so good. And my health issues went away for a year. Now I have wanted all this time to do it again, and she knows about this and the main requirement for a person to start this training is to have a peaceful situation in life, and it is specifically warned it doesn't help if there is strong emotional stresses like a relationship break up situation around, and I feel I have been living in that for the last 2 years!
 
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~Anastasia~

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Prayers for you both.

It almost sounds like you need a full-time referee. I wonder if she has psychological issues (beyond just using unfair and manipulative tactics) that contribute to her treating you this way.

But this certainly sounds bad for your health, as well as emotional state.

I hope you will get help. I think you both need it.

Prayers, and may God be with you both and help you, especially to be kind to one another. Lord have mercy ... !
 
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