I read with great interest some of the articles in this forum. My wife has, I believe undiagnosed BPD. We were married for nearly 27 years when my wife moved out (the kids were ages 11, 13 and 18) and filed for divorce after getting into a romantic relationship with another man that happened to be a family friend. She was a committed Christian, as was I. Prior to our marriage, neither of us had been involved in any serious romantic relationships. There were no affairs, domestic violence, etc., in our marriage. Prior to this affair we had never separated or discussed divorce. I was self-employed; she took care of the kids (first child 9 years into our marriage) and house, pretty much did what she wanted after the kids were older.
Were there were frustrations and problems in our marriage? Yes. The pressures of running a small business, 3 children, and all that goes with 2 imperfect people trying to work through this life together did at times seem impossible and we were both miserable and frustrated as well. Did I ever think either one of us would leave and divorce, no, never. I felt the bond between us, the commitments we had made and our kids would be important enough that divorce would never be a choice either one of us would make.
I was wrong. Once I became aware there might be more than casual family friendship between my wife and our family friend, I confronted her and him, both denying it. But....I knew there had to be more. So many things like anger, frustration, disappointments, etc., had built up over the years between my wife and I that I felt unable to confront and deal with. I felt emotionally distant from her and as if I was in a parent child relationship. I believed she had mental problems, but she would never allow herself to be evaluated or treated in any way. There was a history of mental problems (Bi-Polar type disorders) her mother's side of the family.
My wife filed for divorce over 2.5 years ago, and the proceedings are still going on. I was forced to sell my small business to be there for the kids and also due to 3 major back surgeries in the past 3 years. I started researching different forms of mental illness to try to find rational reasons something like this could happen in our lives so suddenly after all the years together and without consideration of the devastation it would cause our children, family, friends, let alone everything else we had worked for in life. Bi Polar came the closest until I started looking into BPD. I was amazed, the stories, the descriptions were my life.
Unfortunately, by the time I found out there was more than a platonic friendship between her and the other man, it was too late, she would not agree to any sort of counseling or to even stop seeing him to allow for us to work on our marriage. Her new boyfriend rented a converted garage apartment from my mother, who conveniently lived nearby and who she would regularly stop in and see, often with the kids.
Within a few weeks everything in our lives changed. She was now expressing great anger and hate towards me in every way, claiming God was actually responsible for her new relationship with this man, that he had brought him into her life to save her and make her happy. She stated 90 percent of her previously held beliefs were all a lie I had put on her, and that she was seeing visions and hearing all these new truths from God. She had turned into the most vengeful and hateful person I could ever imagine. She has now accused me of just about anything you could imagine.
The kids stayed with me when she moved out. They are deeply hurt as they considered her boyfriend a close family friend as well, as they had known him for years and were now shattered and angry at what they saw as his betrayal. There have been numerous conflict with their mother and them, and there mother is unrepentant about any of what has happened, which is not surprising, as she was never in fault for anything. Now they tend to put most of the blame on the boyfriend I believe as a way of accepting there mother and having some sort of relationship with her, but it is strained and uncertain what will happen when they see each other.
My wife has never worked and has not marketable skill (singer, artist, creating type, also very attractive), so I am also looking at having to fully support her for potentially the rest of her life. This has been and is the most horrible time of life I could have ever imagined. Everything we have worked 30 plus years for is down the drain. My oldest child has moved out, but the youngest (14 and 15) I have primary custody of and are having a very difficult time. There mother has been living with the boyfriend for some time now, but tells the kids she lives with a female friend. I struggle daily as I keep running though the event of our lives together and can never make sense of how bad things all went. No one could understand the intensity of the pain unless they go through something like this, so that is how I found this site. I am interested in hearing about others experiences with BPD and for advice on how to deal with it all, to heal and move on in life. Thanks for listening,
Gary
Were there were frustrations and problems in our marriage? Yes. The pressures of running a small business, 3 children, and all that goes with 2 imperfect people trying to work through this life together did at times seem impossible and we were both miserable and frustrated as well. Did I ever think either one of us would leave and divorce, no, never. I felt the bond between us, the commitments we had made and our kids would be important enough that divorce would never be a choice either one of us would make.
I was wrong. Once I became aware there might be more than casual family friendship between my wife and our family friend, I confronted her and him, both denying it. But....I knew there had to be more. So many things like anger, frustration, disappointments, etc., had built up over the years between my wife and I that I felt unable to confront and deal with. I felt emotionally distant from her and as if I was in a parent child relationship. I believed she had mental problems, but she would never allow herself to be evaluated or treated in any way. There was a history of mental problems (Bi-Polar type disorders) her mother's side of the family.
My wife filed for divorce over 2.5 years ago, and the proceedings are still going on. I was forced to sell my small business to be there for the kids and also due to 3 major back surgeries in the past 3 years. I started researching different forms of mental illness to try to find rational reasons something like this could happen in our lives so suddenly after all the years together and without consideration of the devastation it would cause our children, family, friends, let alone everything else we had worked for in life. Bi Polar came the closest until I started looking into BPD. I was amazed, the stories, the descriptions were my life.
Unfortunately, by the time I found out there was more than a platonic friendship between her and the other man, it was too late, she would not agree to any sort of counseling or to even stop seeing him to allow for us to work on our marriage. Her new boyfriend rented a converted garage apartment from my mother, who conveniently lived nearby and who she would regularly stop in and see, often with the kids.
Within a few weeks everything in our lives changed. She was now expressing great anger and hate towards me in every way, claiming God was actually responsible for her new relationship with this man, that he had brought him into her life to save her and make her happy. She stated 90 percent of her previously held beliefs were all a lie I had put on her, and that she was seeing visions and hearing all these new truths from God. She had turned into the most vengeful and hateful person I could ever imagine. She has now accused me of just about anything you could imagine.
The kids stayed with me when she moved out. They are deeply hurt as they considered her boyfriend a close family friend as well, as they had known him for years and were now shattered and angry at what they saw as his betrayal. There have been numerous conflict with their mother and them, and there mother is unrepentant about any of what has happened, which is not surprising, as she was never in fault for anything. Now they tend to put most of the blame on the boyfriend I believe as a way of accepting there mother and having some sort of relationship with her, but it is strained and uncertain what will happen when they see each other.
My wife has never worked and has not marketable skill (singer, artist, creating type, also very attractive), so I am also looking at having to fully support her for potentially the rest of her life. This has been and is the most horrible time of life I could have ever imagined. Everything we have worked 30 plus years for is down the drain. My oldest child has moved out, but the youngest (14 and 15) I have primary custody of and are having a very difficult time. There mother has been living with the boyfriend for some time now, but tells the kids she lives with a female friend. I struggle daily as I keep running though the event of our lives together and can never make sense of how bad things all went. No one could understand the intensity of the pain unless they go through something like this, so that is how I found this site. I am interested in hearing about others experiences with BPD and for advice on how to deal with it all, to heal and move on in life. Thanks for listening,
Gary
