Catholic Jokes

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Rhamiel

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I love this joke, some info about the differant Orders is needed to get it, please post Catholic Jokes you like, i will post more latter

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jezzie said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"
 
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Fish and Bread

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I love this joke, some info about the differant Orders is needed to get it, please post Catholic Jokes you like, i will post more latter

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jezzie said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"

LOL. That is a good one. :)
 
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Rhamiel

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an old one but a good one

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."
 
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MarkRohfrietsch

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an old one but a good one

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."

:thumbsup::D^_^:thumbsup:

Here is an oldie, but it's cute, so here goes...

A young Catholic lad was going down the sidewalk of his town pulling a little red wagon. In the wagon was a box of kittens, and the boy was calling "Lutheran Kittens for sale... Lutheran Kittens for sale..."

As he came up to the Lutheran Parsonage where the Pastor was sitting on his porch having a beer (as all good Lutheran Pastors do from time to time), the Pastor called him over to have a look at these good Lutheran Kittens.

He told the boy that "those are fine looking Lutheran Kittens"; and the boy went on his way.

A week later the boy again was peddling kittens; but this time he was calling "Catholic Kittens for sale..."

Again the Lutheran Pastor called the young fellow over for a look, and noticed that they were the same kittens.

The Pastor said "These are the same kittens that you were trying to sell last week. Last week they were Lutheran, this week they are Catholic. What's with that?":confused:

The boy replied "Well Pastor, this week they have their eyes opened.":doh:
 
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Michie

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These have been heard before also but they crack me up.

1. Haven’t I seen your face on a Holy Card somewhere?

2. Confess here often?

3. My Guardian Angel thinks you’re cute

4. What's a nice girl like you doing at a First Saturday Rosary Cenacle like this?

5. What lovely scapular brown eyes you have! (Can, of course, insert green if need be.)


Your Pilgrimage or mine?

May I sit down? I was admiring your Chest - erton. Have you also read Orthodoxy?

I have a vocation to the married life. Will you help me out?

My Sacred Heart statue started beating faster when I saw you.

Ah, so you’re what happened to my missing rib.

May I offer you a light for that votive candle?

I would like to study the Theology of your body.

Hi there. My buddy and I were wondering if you would settle a dispute we're having. Do you think the word should be pronounced HOMEschooling, or homeSCHOOLing?

You don't like the culture of death either? Wow! We have so much in common!

Let's get out of here. I know a much cozier little Catholic bookstore downtown.

I bet I can guess your confirmation name.

Hi, I need someone to do a Novena with. (That’s nine dates guaranteed)

Sorry, but I couldn't help but noticing how cute you look in that ankle-length, shapeless, plaid jumper. (ouch!)

Did you feel what I felt when we reached into the holy water font at the same time?

Can I carry your missal for you?

Come to my parish on Sunday you can see me in a tunicle.
 
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LittleLambofJesus

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I thought this was cute :)

An atheist gets off a bus and notices a nun on the sidewalk asking for donations for charity. He starts to walk the other way but then says to himself 'what the heck, I am in a good mood today'.

He walks over to where the nun is standing and takes out a 50 dollar bill and says to her "hey nun, here is 10 dollars for the charity".

The man drops the bill into the collection container, and with a smile the nun says "thank you my son" and she casually walks off.

The man says to himself 'what the heck'?!

He then calls out to the nun "hey nun, you forgot to give me my dang change!".

The nun looks back at him and with another smile says "change comes from within my son", and she again walks away leaving the man so bewildered, he also walks away.
 
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egac

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Lol

Evening everyone
here's one lol, hope you like it Rhamiel/everyone lol..


An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
 
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Tu Es Petrus

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Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? " the one asked.

The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."

"What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?"

"Met any Albigensians lately?"
 
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Tu Es Petrus

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Cardinal Arinze goes running into the Holy Father’s office and is quite beside himself. “Holy Father, Holy Father!”

“What is it my son?” the pope responds.

“I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? “

“The good news”, responds the Holy Father.

The Cardinal says “OK. The good news is that the Lord Jesus has returned as He promised!”

“Alleluia, Alleluia. Praise be to God!”, the Holy Father responds “So what’s the bad news? “

Arinze responds “He's in Salt Lake City.”
 
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BAFRIEND

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A nun (sister) is teaching a 4th grade class and she is going from student to student asking what they want to be when they grow up:

Sister: And katherine what do you want to be when you grow up ?

Katherine: I want to be a prostitute.

The nun immediately faints and when she is recovering and getting herself slowly back on her feet before the frightened and bewildered children she shakily asks:

Sister: Oh Katherine, that is horrible, what did you say you wanted to be when you grow up?

Katherine: I want to be a prostitute.

The nun smiles and is immediatley recovered and responds:

Sister: Oh, thank goodness, I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant.
 
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