I am having trouble dealing with remembering my wife's past with her boyfriend at the time. I knew about her past before we were married, but I thought I could forget it. I thought I forgave her, but I still think about how I was not the first in her life every time we have sex. Does this mean that I have not forgiven her? I mean, I can forgive someone for instance that hit me on the head with a shovel-even if I have migranes for the rest of my life. How long will this hurt? What really hurts is that I waited so long thinking that if I stayed a virgin, God would bless me with a virgin. I feel that God let me down. Help!
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Kristen.NewCreation and FreeinChrist
Can't forget
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Wakeup2god
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Hi brother.
Can I ask how long you've been together and are you both Christians? Also have you spoken to your wife about this?
I understand somewhat what you are going through. Both my partner and I are divorcees and both have children to our ex's. Also both our ex's live in quite close proximity to us so we have the constant reminders around us all the time. We have forgiven each other for our pasts but what's done is done. It's something we decided we could live with when we first got together. One thing that we do get great comfort from is that we are both new in Christ since previous partners and are threrefor new creations. the old is gone. Just as God accepts us as we are and forgets our past as we repent before him we must do the same.
If it's the feelings that bother you, don't worry. It's OK to be jealous. God is a jealous God. It's OK to be angry. It's what you do with those feelings. You could try praying them through. You obviously love your wife or you wouldn't care. You say you were a virgin before marriage. I commend you for that. We all have standards and laws that we try to live by but can we expect others to measure up to our standard. And if they don't do we discount them. If God did that with us we would be lost forever. Read the book of Hosea. We are all Gomers. We have all been unfaithful to God in one way or another but does He hold it against us, no. If you're not sure you've forgiven your wife for what she did before she even knew you then forgive her again and again.
I take it you did know about her past before you got married? So what's changed. Do you feel insecure or threatened by someone or something. You should talk to her and get someone you trust and respect to pray with you.
He is our peace.
Can I ask how long you've been together and are you both Christians? Also have you spoken to your wife about this?
I understand somewhat what you are going through. Both my partner and I are divorcees and both have children to our ex's. Also both our ex's live in quite close proximity to us so we have the constant reminders around us all the time. We have forgiven each other for our pasts but what's done is done. It's something we decided we could live with when we first got together. One thing that we do get great comfort from is that we are both new in Christ since previous partners and are threrefor new creations. the old is gone. Just as God accepts us as we are and forgets our past as we repent before him we must do the same.
If it's the feelings that bother you, don't worry. It's OK to be jealous. God is a jealous God. It's OK to be angry. It's what you do with those feelings. You could try praying them through. You obviously love your wife or you wouldn't care. You say you were a virgin before marriage. I commend you for that. We all have standards and laws that we try to live by but can we expect others to measure up to our standard. And if they don't do we discount them. If God did that with us we would be lost forever. Read the book of Hosea. We are all Gomers. We have all been unfaithful to God in one way or another but does He hold it against us, no. If you're not sure you've forgiven your wife for what she did before she even knew you then forgive her again and again.
I take it you did know about her past before you got married? So what's changed. Do you feel insecure or threatened by someone or something. You should talk to her and get someone you trust and respect to pray with you.
He is our peace.
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We have been married for about 2 years. She has been a Christian her whole life, but I really haven't been a Christian until about 5 years ago. I would read the Bible growing up because I could sense that it was the truth. I am not saying that I never had pure thoughts and feelings growing up. I am disgusted with the things that went through my mind-and given the opportunity, I may have made the same mistake she did. But I didn't, and now all I can think about is this other guy-what happened, what did he have that I didn't, what did they experience that I didn't, etc. I told her my thoughts several times before we got married and she has constantly confirmed that our sex life is better. I somehow thought that I would eventually get over it. Plus I was lonely growing up and didn't want to lose this woman. I still love her-she is wonderful. Now her brother will be moving to a town where she went to college (and made her mistakes). I will have to help him move, but I wish the whole town would burn up. Thank you for listening.
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Wakeup2god
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Could I advise you seek councelling for this. Not saying you have a severe mental problem or anything but there are folk out there who can probably get to the bottom of these thoughts and feelings otherwise they're just gonna eat away at you. I think what you need to focus your thoughts on is who she's with now. it's not by accident, It's Gods plan being revealed. if there was anything better about this other person why is she with you. Don't think of yourself as the last resort, rather as the better model having learnt her lessons with a lesser man.
You're a man of God, you're worth ten thousand worldly men.
God bless you both
You're a man of God, you're worth ten thousand worldly men.
God bless you both
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We turned forgiveness into more of a formality, it means nothing anymore.. so by todays standards you've forgiven her..what little sin she committed against you. and now you seek to let go right? or do you seek something else? this is a question you need a real answer for before you do anything else... this may help you find out the true nature of the last question:
Are you jelous because (as another poster put it) "god is jelous god" and are you reflecting his same jelousy and anger righteously? or are you mad because she didn't wait as you waited, and maybe you felt like you waisted your time waiting for seconds... "what you've done now truly can be appreciated" (This is how I felt when I found out) so ask your self again what do I want?
to let go?
or for her to make it up some how...
Cause if you truly want to leave this behind, search your self for your true feelings and give them to her only in a consoluating session.. and work it out.
and if she is to make it up to you, just know there will be nothing she will be able to do to fill that void. you have to go outside the marriage for that.
good luck and god bless
Are you jelous because (as another poster put it) "god is jelous god" and are you reflecting his same jelousy and anger righteously? or are you mad because she didn't wait as you waited, and maybe you felt like you waisted your time waiting for seconds... "what you've done now truly can be appreciated" (This is how I felt when I found out) so ask your self again what do I want?
to let go?
or for her to make it up some how...
Cause if you truly want to leave this behind, search your self for your true feelings and give them to her only in a consoluating session.. and work it out.
and if she is to make it up to you, just know there will be nothing she will be able to do to fill that void. you have to go outside the marriage for that.
good luck and god bless
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If Not For Grace
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Normally I would not come down hard on a newbie, but for some reason your post gets my goat.
SO WHAT you were not her 1st sex partner. SO what if you were not her 101st sex partner. GIVE ME A BREAK. SHE CHOSE YOU for her lifemate, although I can not picture a man being able to love AT all if he is this immature.
She was honest with you, she had a past... NOTE HAD.. She wants a FUTURE w/you. I personally think if you are having problems with THIS, you are not ready for marriage in the 1st place. (What about your vows,, forsaking all others, LOVE HONOR etc......)
You are the devil's advocate here. I hope you don't beat her up with this and play your self pity harp to her trying to make her feel bad for things she has confessed and wants to move forward from.
What []did you REQUIRE A PEFERCT SINLESS MATE? Well there are NONE.
PS>. WERE YOU A VIRGIN? IF SO IS THIS YOUE EGO OR WHAT?
SO WHAT you were not her 1st sex partner. SO what if you were not her 101st sex partner. GIVE ME A BREAK. SHE CHOSE YOU for her lifemate, although I can not picture a man being able to love AT all if he is this immature.
She was honest with you, she had a past... NOTE HAD.. She wants a FUTURE w/you. I personally think if you are having problems with THIS, you are not ready for marriage in the 1st place. (What about your vows,, forsaking all others, LOVE HONOR etc......)
You are the devil's advocate here. I hope you don't beat her up with this and play your self pity harp to her trying to make her feel bad for things she has confessed and wants to move forward from.
What []did you REQUIRE A PEFERCT SINLESS MATE? Well there are NONE.
PS>. WERE YOU A VIRGIN? IF SO IS THIS YOUE EGO OR WHAT?
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chilibowl,
Thank you for your reply. I think that the things that I want are the things she cannot do-as you have said. I am looking for anything that will make me feel better. She says she knows she hurt me and is very sorry. If she only knew HOW much she hurt me. I wish there was some way that she could truly understand that. Maybe she does, but I just don't see it.
Thank you for your reply. I think that the things that I want are the things she cannot do-as you have said. I am looking for anything that will make me feel better. She says she knows she hurt me and is very sorry. If she only knew HOW much she hurt me. I wish there was some way that she could truly understand that. Maybe she does, but I just don't see it.
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dyanm,
Perhaps it is ego. I really don't know. I was a virgin until we got married. I think I just looked forward to something for so long (a virgin wife) and was extremely disappointed when it didn't happen. It could have been anything I think. In other words, if I had my dreams set on becoming a basketball player and was one step away from joining the NBA, but broke my leg, I would probably have similar feelings of disapointment. But I don't really know for sure.
Thanks
Perhaps it is ego. I really don't know. I was a virgin until we got married. I think I just looked forward to something for so long (a virgin wife) and was extremely disappointed when it didn't happen. It could have been anything I think. In other words, if I had my dreams set on becoming a basketball player and was one step away from joining the NBA, but broke my leg, I would probably have similar feelings of disapointment. But I don't really know for sure.
Thanks
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Wakeup2god
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Some good points made here. Chilibowl shows wisdom. dyanm, maybe you should keep your 'goat' on a tighter leash!
I found this comment, how can I say, a shame! I'm sure that your wife had no idea at the time that she'd be causing her future husband any pain by her actions. I'm sure she does understand and I'm sure she regrets not waiting. If it is simply dissapointment you're feeling you'd best get used to it cos like's full of them. I don't know how old you are, maybe like dyanm says you weren't ready for marriage but you're in it now so you need to work at it. Love takes a lifetime to get anywhere near perfection. You can't pass your anger, dissapointment, sadness onto your wife, that's not an option.
Read what Love is in Corinthians. Pray about your situation before you read it. Will your wife pray with you? Get God in the centre and bring this situation out into the light so that He can heal it.
There are no perfect sinless mates, we can't be as shallow as to expect that. If this is higher up on your priority list than others then that's OK but please don't try to bury it and hope that it will just go away, it won't. get help brother.
I found this comment, how can I say, a shame! I'm sure that your wife had no idea at the time that she'd be causing her future husband any pain by her actions. I'm sure she does understand and I'm sure she regrets not waiting. If it is simply dissapointment you're feeling you'd best get used to it cos like's full of them. I don't know how old you are, maybe like dyanm says you weren't ready for marriage but you're in it now so you need to work at it. Love takes a lifetime to get anywhere near perfection. You can't pass your anger, dissapointment, sadness onto your wife, that's not an option.
Read what Love is in Corinthians. Pray about your situation before you read it. Will your wife pray with you? Get God in the centre and bring this situation out into the light so that He can heal it.
There are no perfect sinless mates, we can't be as shallow as to expect that. If this is higher up on your priority list than others then that's OK but please don't try to bury it and hope that it will just go away, it won't. get help brother.
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well said, wake up.. I just want to stress how important it is for you to get all these feelings together and bring them to some sort of moderator to help you properly greive what you preceve as a loss.. you've admitted your lack to communicate your prospective or maybe her lack to acknowledge it... so stop trying to fix something neither one have the ability to, and seek a professional.. there is no shame in that! Would you attempt to re build your transmission with no true experience? then why would you play with this? the consequences are far more damaging to blindly repair a delicate fledgling marriage than an automatic transmission...
Good luck and god bless
Good luck and god bless
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