But I really want the opposite of what I say I want?

[LovebirdsFlying]

I had a previous husband, God rest his soul. When we were dating, he took me out to dinner on my birthday. This particular restaurant was known for making a public spectacle out of birthdays, staff gathering around the table, loud clapping and singing, the whole bit. I told him on the way in, I didn't want that, and I meant it. So, shortly after he excused himself to use the men's room, here comes the clapping and singing restaurant staff.... His defense: "But I thought, any time a woman says she doesn't want this or that, it means she does." I couldn't stay mad at him, because that is the stereotype. Humorous tales of how "I don't want you to make any fuss over my birthday" actually means "you'd better make a big doggone fuss over my birthday" come up all over the place.

Fast forward to now, with my present husband. He works second-shift hours. I have wonky sleep habits, but I'm trying to get myself regulated. He doesn't want me to use an alarm clock, because that might disturb his own sleep, so I've asked him to wake me up when he wakes up. Repeatedly, I've asked him to do this. But he continues to let me sleep in. "Well, you had a rough time getting to sleep last night, so I thought you needed the rest." Which, of course, defeats the purpose of trying to regulate my hours. Today I told him, if he doesn't want to wake me up, I'll just buy an alarm clock. And he said no, he doesn't want me to do that. Whether or not he'll start waking me up now, remains to be seen.

The common thread here is, "I know you specifically asked for A, but I figured you'd want B instead. Why aren't you happy? I gave you what I thought you wanted."

Humorous stories aside, how many of us actually do say we want A, and then expect our partners to know we want B instead? Or is there something about my communication style that causes people to think I want the opposite of what I ask for?

 

[mkgal1]

I believe that stereotype (along with a lot of others) does a lot to ruin relationships (just as you illustrated).

No.....I don't say one thing and mean another (communication is often confusing enough even without doing that). "Let your yes be yes and your no be no" is a great principle to cling to.

I can't speak for your husband and why he's not understanding your attempt to regulate your sleep. Maybe emphasize (again) that you're hoping for a solution that works for both of you. Does he not get up at a specific time? Does he just get up when he wakes up (and that time varies)? Is that why an alarm clock for you won't work? Maybe he enjoys his "alone" time when he first gets up? Maybe he's liking the way things are and isn't wanting a change?

 

[snoochface]

A lot of women play those kinds of games. "If you don't know why I'm upset, I'm not going to tell you!" and "You should know by now what I want." It's unfair to men. But many men have been trained by this behavior. It's to our detriment.

I say what I mean. Sometimes my husband will still try to anticipate my needs, despite what I've said, and it's usually because he thinks I am being deferential to him and sacrificing something for myself as a result, and he wants to give me what I want instead. Sometimes that is the case, but it's not a matter of game playing or saying I want something when I really want the opposite. It's more saying I'm willing to give up what I want because in that situation, giving him what he wants means more to me.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

He pretty much wakes up when he wakes up. His work day starts anywhere from 1:30 to 2:30 every day, with some variation depending on day of the week. Then he's off somewhere between 10:30 and 12:30, and goes to bed around 2:00 or 3:00 AM.

I hadn't thought about him wanting alone time before waking me up. I'll ask him if that's a factor. It's also true, though, that he just doesn't understand. He thinks the important thing is me getting my sleep, and if I had a rough night, he doesn't want to disturb me, even if I did ask him to.

I don't quite get the alarm clock thing, and why he doesn't want me to use one, because I would have it set for a time he's already awake. But maybe he just doesn't like the sound of the ringing.

 

[snoochface]

My husband wakes up groggy and bleary to an alarm clock. It's the sudden coming out of sleep that bothers him. A few months ago, we bought a Phillips light alarm off Amazon. When he wants to wake up at 7:00 am, it begins an orange sunset type glow at 6:30 that gradually over the course of 30 minutes continues to brighten and yellow, emulating the sun coming up. I can count on one hand the number of times he slept past 7:00, and when he did it was by not more than about 10 minutes. It also has several bird sounds you can play, softly or with gradual increase in volume, if you need more than the light. He wakes up feeling refreshed every day. It's all about how it brings him out of a sleep cycle. Maybe something like that would help.

 

[snoochface]

*sunrise glow, not sunset.

 

[LinkH]

My wife has, on relatively rare occasion, gotten upset with me and said, "Don't touch me." But later, she confided in me, that though she didn't want me to touch her, part of her wanted me to give her a hug. So I guess I have to make a decision as to what part to listen to.

Maybe you are a 'say what you mean' type who doesn't get conflicted.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I never liked the game of "Is she saying one thing or does she mean another?". I notice alot of women tend to do it. Married or not. I don't believe all do it on purpose. For some maybe its just how they like to be "perused" (even when married). To me though it can create ripples in the marriage pong and rip it apart because eventually the husband will get angry because he feels like whichever choice he makes results in her getting upset. More so when she sometimes is actually honest about what she wants (but he does the opposite).

My wife has gotten better about not doing the "silent treatment". And I've gotten better at knowing what she wants usually no matter how she acts. I can read her face, her words.... her in general. I'd just tell him your being very serious about regulating your clock and you need him to wake you up or you will have no choice but to use an alarm clock. If he gets annoyed then say "Then wake me up honey. Its not that hard to do!". When my wife was adjusting to her third shift job we would get up together or I would get up first then wake her up. Just as now shes readjusting to having 1st shift job.

And as we get older sleeping schedules can be hard to fix. Maybe he thinks its no big deal but a few more years and you will have a even harder time adjusting, if you even can. I'm almost 35 and starting to notice how hard it is to go from my normal nighthawk mode to morning hawk mode.

---edit---
I should mention we do use an alarm clock since we get up at the same time. We also have it away from the bed so one of us is forced to get up to turn it off. Seems to help. Only other solution I can think of is if he doesn't want to help you, but he doesn't want an alarm clock then buy some sort of alarm clock or Ipod or something that plays music. And buy small over the ear headphones. So when the alarm goes off only you hear it. Obviously just don't have your alarm song be something crazy lol.

 

[akmom]

Snoochface, that sunrise-emulating alarm with a crescendo of bird calls sounds absolutely lovely! What a great way to wake up. I too hate the sensation of sudden arousal. It literally hurts. I much prefer to be made gently aware of the time and then be let to adjust and get up in ten minutes or so.

Lovebirdsflying, what comes to mind is a vibrating alarm that you would wear (or a phone you could lay on) that would wake you and not him. But in my experience, vibrations wake everyone in the bed. But maybe it's something he could go back to sleep from? It's not as obnoxious as a noise alarm.

I am also a mean-what-you-say person, and I think I've finally trained my husband to realize that and accept that there won't be repercussions for taking me at face value. HOWEVER, I often don't extend the same courtesy to him because, although he means what he says, he does not actually know what he wants. I know what he wants. So if he says he wants this or that for his birthday, I'll instead get him what he truly wants. He never seems quite happy with the things he *thinks* he wants, but I watch him and know what actually captures his interests, so I oblige accordingly. Perhaps your husband does the same, and acts according to what he feels you actually need or want, not because he thinks you don't mean what you say, but because he thinks you don't actually know what you want. Well, I didn't mean that to be insulting. Obviously that's a flawed train of thought if you've been proven wrong often enough! But it's a possibility.

 

[Catherineanne]

I had a previous husband, God rest his soul. When we were dating, he took me out to dinner on my birthday. This particular restaurant was known for making a public spectacle out of birthdays, staff gathering around the table, loud clapping and singing, the whole bit. I told him on the way in, I didn't want that, and I meant it. So, shortly after he excused himself to use the men's room, here comes the clapping and singing restaurant staff.... His defense: "But I thought, any time a woman says she doesn't want this or that, it means she does." I couldn't stay mad at him, because that is the stereotype. Humorous tales of how "I don't want you to make any fuss over my birthday" actually means "you'd better make a big doggone fuss over my birthday" come up all over the place.

Fast forward to now, with my present husband. He works second-shift hours. I have wonky sleep habits, but I'm trying to get myself regulated. He doesn't want me to use an alarm clock, because that might disturb his own sleep, so I've asked him to wake me up when he wakes up. Repeatedly, I've asked him to do this. But he continues to let me sleep in. "Well, you had a rough time getting to sleep last night, so I thought you needed the rest." Which, of course, defeats the purpose of trying to regulate my hours. Today I told him, if he doesn't want to wake me up, I'll just buy an alarm clock. And he said no, he doesn't want me to do that. Whether or not he'll start waking me up now, remains to be seen.

The common thread here is, "I know you specifically asked for A, but I figured you'd want B instead. Why aren't you happy? I gave you what I thought you wanted."

Humorous stories aside, how many of us actually do say we want A, and then expect our partners to know we want B instead? Or is there something about my communication style that causes people to think I want the opposite of what I ask for?

Get an alarm clock.

You are an adult; it is your responsibility to wake yourself up when you want to. For some reason your h wants to treat you like a child, and be responsible for this aspect of your life. It is not his to control, but yours. As long as you rely on him to wake you up, you are abdicating responsibility to him. He has proven not to be reliable, for whatever reason and a clock would be. So buy a clock. He wants another chance to let you down; why would that be good for either of you?

I prefer people to believe me when I say yes or no. If they do not believe me the first time they soon learn.

 

[Catherineanne]

My wife has, on relatively rare occasion, gotten upset with me and said, "Don't touch me." But later, she confided in me, that though she didn't want me to touch her, part of her wanted me to give her a hug. So I guess I have to make a decision as to what part to listen to.

Maybe you are a 'say what you mean' type who doesn't get conflicted.

If she says don't touch, then don't touch. But you could say, 'If you do need a hug later, I am here for you.'

 

[akmom]

I think it's reasonable to not want to be woken by someone else's alarm. I worked nights as a young adult living with my parents and the daytime noises were unbearable. I didn't mind the sounds of talking or cooking or walking around, but shouting and leaving alarms bleeping and letting the dog yelp for hours really bothered me. It's HARD to never get good sleep. And it's hard for night sleepers to comprehend, because they are used to a quiet house at night when they sleep, and my family did not have to contend with all those noises when *I* was awake because I was at work. They didn't take me seriously until I pitched a tent in the yard to sleep (a move they interpreted as dramatic, but in reality it was my sincere attempt to get rest).

For me it was not about "controlling" others during the day, or demanding that they take out the dog, or anything else that is normally not my place to demand. It was simply that I needed sleep. And I suspect that for her husband, it's also a sincere need for uninterrupted sleep. Perhaps she could sleep on a sofa until she has adjusted her circadian rhythm? Then she could use an alarm without interrupting her husband's sleep schedule.

 

[Catherineanne]

A lot of women play those kinds of games.

A lot don't.

 

[mkgal1]

Snoochface, that sunrise-emulating alarm with a crescendo of bird calls sounds absolutely lovely!

I agree--this sounds wonderful.

I don't quite get the alarm clock thing, and why he doesn't want me to use one, because I would have it set for a time he's already awake. But maybe he just doesn't like the sound of the ringing.

I agree with Catherineanne. If you're going to have it set for a time he's already awake, I don't see what's imposing on him. Your concerns (wishes) are valuable as well.

 

[akmom]

Good point.

 

[LinkH]

If she says don't touch, then don't touch. But you could say, 'If you do need a hug later, I am here for you.'

I usually back off and give her some space if she gets in a mood like that. But it may happen once a year or so these days.

About the OP, if my wife has been really tired and doesn't have some pressing matter that requires that she gets up, sometimes, I don't want to wake her up, either. We used to work some really crazy hours with our small business and it was good to see that she was getting her rest back then. Maybe your husband feels bad waking you up.

 

[Mudinyeri]

A lot don't.

While my personal experience with women is far from empirical, it is fairly significant. Additionally, I have fairly extensive training and experience in neurolinguistics and microexpressions. Among the women I've encountered during my 33 years as an adult, I would say roughly 100% play the I-said-this-but-meant-that game. The game is not exclusive to women. Men do it too but, generally, for different reasons.

@LovebirdsFlying I'm seeing a common thread in your posts.

 

[Runswithdogs]

I have the sunrise clock, Much better than a regular alarm clock & you can set the "sunrise" length & volume (birds sound just like the lot out our window so not intrusive but still enough to wake you up by the time the light reaches peak)

 

[98cwitr]

Mean what you say, say what you mean <--my motto for all things communicative!

 

[Catherineanne]

While my personal experience with women is far from empirical, it is fairly significant. Additionally, I have fairly extensive training and experience in neurolinguistics and microexpressions. Among the women I've encountered during my 33 years as an adult, I would say roughly 100% play the I-said-this-but-meant-that game. The game is not exclusive to women. Men do it too but, generally, for different reasons.

@LovebirdsFlying I'm seeing a common thread in your posts.

Yeah, no. Meaning not in a million years; hades will freeze over first; not a chance.

'No really means yes' is the apologetics of abuse. I can guarantee that 100% of abused women are very clear indeed that no means no. Always.

You think all those women saying no were really saying yes? Newsflash; they weren't. Neurolinguistics condoning this nonsense? Don't make me laugh. You have 'fairly extensive experience'? Congratulations. I have an honours degree; no means no.