Birth control

[c1ners]

If you knew your child was active, would you discuss birth control with them?

 

[lovesdolphins]

Totally

 

[c1ners]

How would you handle the situation?
Would you be angry?
Would you demand she be put on birth control?
Would you insist that she never see another boy for as long as she's in your house?
or
Would you talk to her about premartial sex, and explain one more time of how important it is to save this kind of activity for marriage?
Would you go over the options of birth control with her, and allow her to decide if that's what she wants, and which type?
Would you expain to her the details of what the examination will consist of?
or
Would you just not care, and let her deal with it all herself?

 

[Marysmuse]

Oh Honey...

I hope that doesn't sound condescending coming from a newbie here... but this post just breaks my heart. I have a large family with many teen moms among my nieces, and teen dads among my nephews. My daughter is 12. She's my oldest. (my son is 8).

I have been deliberate and open in talking to her about this issue, and about how God gives the gift of sex as a beautiful part of a married relationship. At 12, she's determined to save the gift until marriage... but I have to recognize that her body is changing, and her attitudes may change with it.

You don't say how old your child is? (I'm assuming you're facing this situation?)
First, are you sure she's physically involved? And second, what are your feelings on bc? (I know some folks believe bc is akin to abortion. I, personally, do not share that belief, but respect those who do.)

If you're positive she's physically active, and are not against the use of bc, I would definitely recommend a visit to the gynecologist as soon as possible. She must be educated on the care and keeping of her body. In fact, it is my personal belief that every child should be educated on taking care of their bodies, as well as the why of saving themselves for marriage. Education is absolutely imperitive when deciding what kind, if any, bc to use. Your family's medical history will also come in to play, so please do accompany your daughter to her appointment. You may have information the doctor will need. Do explain ahead of time what will happen, if she has never seen a gyno before. (hopefully you have a good, caring doctor who is experienced in dealing with teens having their first exam.)

Respect her feelings- remember that, even though she's a teen, her feelings are extremely strong. And- her feelings are not wrong. Her actions might be sinful, but feelings are not sinful. Reassure her that desire, both for emotional love, acceptence and connection, and physical desire, are both beautiful parts of God's plan for her relationship. Like all of us, she's wired to be in relationship. She's designed to want a mate, and that desire is good and part of God's ideal. As the steward of her own body, she must temper her desires the same way she tempers her desire for a third bowl of icecream. Icecream itself is not sinful, but an over-consumption is not good for her. On a deeper level, sex is not sinful, but it's too special to give away to just anyone, and should be protected within the boundaries of a godly marriage.

Most of all, I implore you, love your daughter. Don't take her mistakes personally, as a reflection on you. Recognize she's growing into the beginnings of adulthood. She will make mistakes. She will fall down. Remember when she began walking? She fell. Probably a lot. Did you express disappointment? Did you scowl or cry? Or did you hold out your hand and help her back up? Didn't you praise her efforts, and encourage her to keep going? This is no different.

Premarital sex has not, and will not, "ruin" your daughter. She will need to deal with the consequences, of course. She will, hopefully, come to a place where she recognizes the loss, and repent. And God will restore. Remember, it is His will that she have the best possible relationship with her future husband, and that she will reach the full potential He has for her life. He does not want her burdened with shame and guilt. He wants her free, free to love and live and be in relationship. Having been a teen who gave in to peer pressure and lust, and now forgiven, cleansed, and living God's plan with the man He brought into my life, let me say, there is hope. As long as life endures, there is hope.

I hope this helps you, Mom. Take care, and God bless.

Rejoicing in the day,
-Mary

 

[Autumnleaf]

Premarital sex is a sin and does in fact 'ruin' people by definition of what sin does.

 

[c1ners]

Premarital sex is a sin and does in fact 'ruin' people by definition of what sin does.

Having premarital sex is not going to ruin her life anymore than you complaining all the time that your wife doesn't give you enough. a sin is a sin is a sin. No sin out weighs another.

If you don't know the whole story, please keep your advise to yourself. Thank you.

 

[c1ners]

Oh Honey...

I hope that doesn't sound condescending coming from a newbie here... but this post just breaks my heart. I have a large family with many teen moms among my nieces, and teen dads among my nephews. My daughter is 12. She's my oldest. (my son is 8).

I have been deliberate and open in talking to her about this issue, and about how God gives the gift of sex as a beautiful part of a married relationship. At 12, she's determined to save the gift until marriage... but I have to recognize that her body is changing, and her attitudes may change with it.

You don't say how old your child is? (I'm assuming you're facing this situation?)
First, are you sure she's physically involved? And second, what are your feelings on bc? (I know some folks believe bc is akin to abortion. I, personally, do not share that belief, but respect those who do.)

If you're positive she's physically active, and are not against the use of bc, I would definitely recommend a visit to the gynecologist as soon as possible. She must be educated on the care and keeping of her body. In fact, it is my personal belief that every child should be educated on taking care of their bodies, as well as the why of saving themselves for marriage. Education is absolutely imperitive when deciding what kind, if any, bc to use. Your family's medical history will also come in to play, so please do accompany your daughter to her appointment. You may have information the doctor will need. Do explain ahead of time what will happen, if she has never seen a gyno before. (hopefully you have a good, caring doctor who is experienced in dealing with teens having their first exam.)

Respect her feelings- remember that, even though she's a teen, her feelings are extremely strong. And- her feelings are not wrong. Her actions might be sinful, but feelings are not sinful. Reassure her that desire, both for emotional love, acceptence and connection, and physical desire, are both beautiful parts of God's plan for her relationship. Like all of us, she's wired to be in relationship. She's designed to want a mate, and that desire is good and part of God's ideal. As the steward of her own body, she must temper her desires the same way she tempers her desire for a third bowl of icecream. Icecream itself is not sinful, but an over-consumption is not good for her. On a deeper level, sex is not sinful, but it's too special to give away to just anyone, and should be protected within the boundaries of a godly marriage.

Most of all, I implore you, love your daughter. Don't take her mistakes personally, as a reflection on you. Recognize she's growing into the beginnings of adulthood. She will make mistakes. She will fall down. Remember when she began walking? She fell. Probably a lot. Did you express disappointment? Did you scowl or cry? Or did you hold out your hand and help her back up? Didn't you praise her efforts, and encourage her to keep going? This is no different.

Premarital sex has not, and will not, "ruin" your daughter. She will need to deal with the consequences, of course. She will, hopefully, come to a place where she recognizes the loss, and repent. And God will restore. Remember, it is His will that she have the best possible relationship with her future husband, and that she will reach the full potential He has for her life. He does not want her burdened with shame and guilt. He wants her free, free to love and live and be in relationship. Having been a teen who gave in to peer pressure and lust, and now forgiven, cleansed, and living God's plan with the man He brought into my life, let me say, there is hope. As long as life endures, there is hope.

I hope this helps you, Mom. Take care, and God bless.

Rejoicing in the day,
-Mary

This post on the other hand was very thoughtful and kind. Thank you very much Mary.

My daughter is 18, although she's been having sex since she was barely 15.

My situation is very different than most peoples. My duaghter doesn't live with me and her daddy. We sent her to live with her sister back a couple years ago. It was that or watch as she slowly withered away and / or killed herself.

Any how, it's her sister who has put her on birth control because she says she (my daughter) is nothing but a little tramp. My daughter may not be the most perfect teenager in this world, but she's far from a tramp.

I guess I just wanted to see how other parents feel about it. I personally think that if she's already having sex, it's wiser to put her on BC to have her end up pregnant. Of course if she was really a tramp, BC wouldn't be enough, but she's not. She loves her boyfriend. Or at least she thinks she does. She doens't sleep with every guy that she sees like her sister says.

I'm sorry, I'm ranting. It's just that I'm so torn up over everything that that poor child has been through for the past fews years. I really wish she would just come home.

Edited to add: I just finished reading the rest of your post and wanted to respond.

I did tell her what to expect. No one else would and she was a little scared. She did okay. But the BC the doctor put her on is really effecting her moods. I wish she would get on another type, but her sister has told her that she's too irresponsible for BC pills and that the shot would be the best thing for her. Now she's stuck with it for the next three months.

But yes, I did explain everything to her, and I also assured her that I love her very very much, and I always will.

lol! I had to edit this one more time. When my daughter was 12 she made a vow to save herself for marriage too. It was really cute. She wrote out this vow that she wouldn't start dating until she was 18. she wouldn't marry until she was done with college, and she wouldn't have sex until two years after she was married. lol! It's funny how they change practically over night. Oh how I wish she could go back to being 12 again.

 

[BassmanOz]

Although our girls are old enough to be potentially sexually active (15 & almost 14) i'm confident they are not. However, I would prefer they used birth control if they were. It would break our hearts to find out that they were sexually active at this age, but I have seen too many teen pregnancies to think that it would NEVER happen to them - anything is possible.

 

[zepsinger]

If you knew your child was active, would you discuss birth control with them?

I would discuss abstinence with them.

 

[b.hopeful]

Mary made a great post....well said.

I've openly discussed human sexuality with all my children. I think real sex ed starts in the toddler years. When we tell them certain parts are private and we name them. It continues on through life. When they ask what a tampon is or why mommy is bleeding...when they ask how their little brother got in my belly. It's ongoing. My oldest is 12 and aware of birth control, abortion and std's...in great detail. Planned Parenthood has a peer educator class I plan on signing her up for. It adds comprehensive sex ed with a mix of leadership skills. I often talk about "ownership" of our bodies....because I believe it will empower them to be able to say no and mean it...to not succumb to peer pressure...to be able to demand safe sex with no hesitation.

I'm likely to be slammed for this but I don't promote sex until marriage. It's not something I want for my kids. I think it encourages young marriage and that's not something I find healthy. I see nothing unhealthy about safe premarital sex. Life is a marathon not a sprint and I don't want them racing into marriage and parenthood before they have some well developed maturity in their pocket.

If my daughter was a young teen and I knew she was having sex, I would take her in for a gyno exam and a frank discussion about birth control. If she were a legal adult(18) I would offer to take her and pay for the exam and birth control and strongly suggest it. I want my kids to take control of their sexuality.

Gl and hugs. It sounds like things might be a little rough between the sisters right now...calling her a tramp is so out of line especially considering she's stepped into a parental type roll....your daughter might be more receptive to an open embrace right about now.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

I would discuss abstinence with them.

Birth control should definatly be talked about also. My parents never talked about sex with me past "if you have sex before you get married I'll kill you"...not that they would litterally kill me, but I'm sure if they had found out when I started having sex I probably would have gotten slapped a few times and locked in my room. Problem fixed right? Wrong, nothing gets fixed if you don't talk to your kids and find out why they decided to take that step..that HUGE step. Not talking about birth control could also lead to disaster.

 

[undonebymercy]

I'm not a mother of a teen (as you have probably already worked out) but I am a teenager. Talk to your daughter about birth control, abortion, sex, everything. Talk to her about the stuff you wish your mother had talked to you about. My mother and I never had the 'sex talk' but I was privileged enough to have an older sister to discuss it with, and easy access to advice. My friend however, wasn't. And she is now a mother to a wonderful baby boy, though she's only 18.

Discuss everything with her, let her make her own mind up. Tell her how much closer it'll make her with her partner if they abstain until marriage. Sex is a wonderful thing, it should be celebrated at every opportunity. But with a mind to Jesus and common sense too.

I swore I wouldn't have sex until I was married too, and then when I was 16 everything changed. I developed depression and since self-harm and alcohol weren't a release any more, I decided to start sleeping around, since I knew it was bad for me...I was abusing myself in so many ways. If my mother had discussed with me the effects of it... and had helped me through all the bad stuff that I was going through at the time, I wouldn't have done half the things I did.

Good luck and God bless.