Being Loved or Being Understood?

[KingCrimson250]

Made this thread mostly out of curiosity's sake: Would you rather have a friend (let's say of the same sex, for argument's sake) who really "got" you and who always seemed to know what you were thinking, or a lover who didn't really understand you but who deeply cared for you anyway?

(I know, I know, it's a false dichotomy. But again, this is just for argument's sake).

Perhaps another way of framing it could be: What bothers you more? Loneliness or alienation?

 

[Sapphyre]

I'd rather have both in the same person, but for the sake of the discussion, I'd rather have a great friend who understands. I think that kind of connection is far more valuable in life than a strictly romantic relationship.

 

[Lord Herdsetk]

Same. It really takes both to make a great life long partner, but I'd rather have someone who understands me over someone I'm just attracted to.

And really, loneliness and alienation both are bothering me. I'm more or less having to start from scratch. I'm just now climbing out of a six year long depression, and most of the people I cared for have moved on with their lives. Its hard motivating myself to find new people, but the first thing I'd want is someone who has a good understanding of me.

 

[Nom De Guerre]

Hm, both actually; but, I guess I'd rather have somebody love me romantically (I can always reach out to Heaven for understanding)

 

[Reneemo4]

Tough question, can i reserve the right to sleep on it and answer tomorrow?

 

[Fenny the Fox]

Both, obviously.

But since you force me to choose...actually I would rather the person who cares for me regardless. I am used to alienation and people not "getting me", so I can deal with that. But it would, admittedly, be nice to have someone that really loved me (romantically) anyway.

 

[Inkachu]

I hope that choosing one wouldn't mean that you'd NEVER have a chance for the other.

I'd take the friend. I don't think it's really possible to love someone you don't understand. I've been "loved" by guys who didn't know me deep down, didn't get me one bit, and it was empty and meaningless to me. You can't love what you don't comprehend. Someone who claims to love a person that they don't understand, is more likely loving an IDEA than a real person.

If there's no deep, profound, soul-to-soul connection, I don't want it.

 

[Fremdin]

I think that you can have both but then you end up spreading yourself too thin. I've been guilty of investing to much emotionally in friendships and then being distant in romantic relationships. For me, it's just easier not to put all your eggs in one basket, and safer. And it's an issue. But I'd rather have romantic partner that deeply loved me than a soul-mate friend because I have become increasingly closed off

 

[Im_A]

Made this thread mostly out of curiosity's sake: Would you rather have a friend (let's say of the same sex, for argument's sake) who really "got" you and who always seemed to know what you were thinking, or a lover who didn't really understand you but who deeply cared for you anyway?

(I know, I know, it's a false dichotomy. But again, this is just for argument's sake).

Perhaps another way of framing it could be: What bothers you more? Loneliness or alienation?

Because it is a false dichotomy, I can't answer. I need both in my opinion so there is no either/or and more importantly, the romantic side the girl has to be in the best friend category as well. (I put 'category' best friendships should be put into categories because sometimes you find friends who are friends and then new friends who really have a positive affect for you, and then you have the romantic partner that is in that category).

Loneliness bothers me more though. When I feel alienated, I know how to get rid of that by learning how to adapt to my surrounding to the best of my ability and that normally suffices. I have moved around quite a bit so you learn how to do that. Loneliness though, no drug takes care of, no clever words of so called wisdom takes care of it, no song takes care of it. The only thing that helps is a goal with a woman because you know...you have someone there either one with you, or waiting to be with you. I HATE the feeling of loneliness...just thankfully I have never gotten desperate and my bad ways of dealing with it in my past was very limited.

 

[Baqueinfaith]

When the fires of your passion burn down to embers, may you find that you have married your best friend.

I stole that from a card.

 

[HazelWings]

I voted someone who understands me, because I think to truly love someone you have to know and understand them. The egg before the chicken

 

[puffca]

Because of the huge generation gap between my parents and myself, and because I know how bad a person I am, sometimes I feel devil itself understands me much more than my parents do. But, that doesn't make me feel any less about my parents' love, which I would trade nothing for.

 

[puffca]

Oops, if you mean romantic love...
My understanding of romantic love is that it is not solely based on eros and agape, that is, certain level of mutual understanding has to be there. I can't imagine someone that loves me romantically but doesn't understand me.
So, I can't vote on this.

 

[toastface_grillah]

I'm voting for the friend. Someone who completely understands and gets you is bound to love you. A strong bromance isn't the same as a romance, but it beats alienation hands down.

 

[Apollo Celestio]

Understanding can be a learned skill.. while the sex drive just happens. Though I'd concede there are levels of understanding. You have one form that's like, "we think similar" or "I know how his mind works", then you have "awareness of idiosyncrasies" and a strong bond, despite your intellectual differences.

 

[chris4243]

I'd go for someone who understands me. It's a rare enough trait, and also one that won't go away, whereas romantic love comes and goes (sometimes anyways).

 

[LadyOfMystery]

Hm, both actually; but, I guess I'd rather have somebody love me romantically (I can always reach out to Heaven for understanding)

This is actually a really good answer that I didn't even think of. I've always wanted to be understood. But then again God understands me completely and to be honest He's all that counts in the long run. So I don't know... If it's someone who loves me deeply as you say, maybe even if they dont understand they would still care. And that's good enough for me. I don't expect people to understand me at all times even though it would be nice.


So yeah. Im going with him and saying someone who loves me, and looking to God for understanding.

 

[Gym]

Someone who completely understands me and somehow sticks around, HAS to love me on some level. I can think of no other reaso nthey'd stick around otherwise

 

[LadyOfMystery]

As the OP said though (unless they changed it and i missed it) the person who understands you would be of the same sex as you. I don't think that would change a lot of your answers, but just thought I'd throw that out there.

 

[Gym]

As the OP said though (unless they changed it and i missed it) the person who understands you would be of the same sex as you. I don't think that would change a lot of your answers, but just thought I'd throw that out there.

oops.. missed that somehow... uhh... ehh oh wells I'm leaving my answer anyways