Being gracious with a volatile person

[akmom]

I'm looking for advice on how my husband and I should interact with another married couple.

My brother-in-law recently married and had a baby in another state, and they just moved up here to Alaska a few months ago. His wife has no family here, and comes from a very different culture. For example, she spent much of her childhood in foster care, dropped out of high school, and was also homeless for a short time. We have more traditional backgrounds. However, she is friendly and ambitious, and we have enjoyed her company several times.

Then the four of us went to see a play. She brought a giant bag of snacks (though food and drink aren't allowed in the theatre), and proceeded to eat them loudly throughout the play, as well as talk about the scenes. I was rather surprised, because I've never seen an adult who didn't understand audience etiquette. I should have probably said something to her about it, but I didn't want to deal with it, so I didn't. Well, someone in front of us turned around and asked her to quiet down. She just glared at them, kept eating and talking. Finally, a woman whispered that she was welcome to step out into the lobby if she wanted to stuff her face, because the rest of wanted to watch the play. Truthfully, my sister-in-law was loud enough that even the actors could hear her, but she didn't feel she was. So she loudly told the lady to turn around and mind her own business. The woman gently touched her, indicating that she should quiet down, and my sister-in-law screamed "Don't touch me!" and "I'm not going to leave!" and began shouting so loud that the performers stopped. I was next to her, and whispered as non-confrontationally as possible that she should try not to interrupt the play, and it just angered her. It was utterly embarrassing, and her husband had to practically drag her out of there so they could resume the play. I've seriously never seen an adult behave that way.

The thing is, she still doesn't think she did anything wrong. She transcribed the entire incident on Facebook afterward, accurately even, and her out-of-state family began commenting on how brave she was to "stand up for herself" and how she should be disappointed that her family (us) didn't stand up for her too, etc. I'm just astonished. The other audience members were polite in their requests, at least the first several times, and she didn't stop. It was a reasonable request. I'm not sure in hindsight what anyone could have done differently, except her. She literally felt like she should be allowed to do whatever she wanted in a theatre and no one had the right to confront her.

It has not been easy on her living in a new area with no friends or family, and I've been asked to invite her to events and introduce her to people. Now I have no problem having them over to our house, and frequently do, but I'm afraid to bring her to any social events or activities because I don't know how she will behave. That was not an isolated incident, I know, because she has quit two jobs since she moved here, because she "refuses to be treated like crap" (her words). I think she just doesn't "get it" and cannot handle any of the restrictions that adults typically face. I need suggestions on how I can be encouraging to her without risking setting her off.

 

[The Antigrrrl]

In your place I would probably limit intros and outings to places/ people where things are more controllable. ( damage controllable that is) one to one yes, intros to people you know are thick skinned or who are very graceful to others yes, anything public or with large gatherings no. She may chill a little once she settles in but frankly she sounds a little bit on the narcissist side of things not just volatile.

 

[singpeace]

I'm looking for advice on how my husband and I should interact with another married couple.

My brother-in-law recently married and had a baby in another state, and they just moved up here to Alaska a few months ago. His wife has no family here, and comes from a very different culture. For example, she spent much of her childhood in foster care, dropped out of high school, and was also homeless for a short time. We have more traditional backgrounds. However, she is friendly and ambitious, and we have enjoyed her company several times.

Then the four of us went to see a play. She brought a giant bag of snacks (though food and drink aren't allowed in the theatre), and proceeded to eat them loudly throughout the play, as well as talk about the scenes. I was rather surprised, because I've never seen an adult who didn't understand audience etiquette. I should have probably said something to her about it, but I didn't want to deal with it, so I didn't. Well, someone in front of us turned around and asked her to quiet down. She just glared at them, kept eating and talking. Finally, a woman whispered that she was welcome to step out into the lobby if she wanted to stuff her face, because the rest of wanted to watch the play. Truthfully, my sister-in-law was loud enough that even the actors could hear her, but she didn't feel she was. So she loudly told the lady to turn around and mind her own business. The woman gently touched her, indicating that she should quiet down, and my sister-in-law screamed "Don't touch me!" and "I'm not going to leave!" and began shouting so loud that the performers stopped. I was next to her, and whispered as non-confrontationally as possible that she should try not to interrupt the play, and it just angered her. It was utterly embarrassing, and her husband had to practically drag her out of there so they could resume the play. I've seriously never seen an adult behave that way.

The thing is, she still doesn't think she did anything wrong. She transcribed the entire incident on Facebook afterward, accurately even, and her out-of-state family began commenting on how brave she was to "stand up for herself" and how she should be disappointed that her family (us) didn't stand up for her too, etc. I'm just astonished. The other audience members were polite in their requests, at least the first several times, and she didn't stop. It was a reasonable request. I'm not sure in hindsight what anyone could have done differently, except her. She literally felt like she should be allowed to do whatever she wanted in a theatre and no one had the right to confront her.

It has not been easy on her living in a new area with no friends or family, and I've been asked to invite her to events and introduce her to people. Now I have no problem having them over to our house, and frequently do, but I'm afraid to bring her to any social events or activities because I don't know how she will behave. That was not an isolated incident, I know, because she has quit two jobs since she moved here, because she "refuses to be treated like crap" (her words). I think she just doesn't "get it" and cannot handle any of the restrictions that adults typically face. I need suggestions on how I can be encouraging to her without risking setting her off.

Dear AKmom,
'Wow' is the first thing that comes to my mind and 'been there' is the second.
However, I smile when I see how gracious you are toward your new sister-in-Law. She is blessed to have you in her life though she may not understand that now.

My prayer is that you continue to do as you have done; see her with the eyes of Christ; hear her with the ears of Christ; love her with the heart of Christ, and understand her with the mind of Christ. Also I pray that she sees in you the kind of woman she would like to be, and that she finds it in her to follow your example. The Lord obviously has some kind of promise and plan to fulfill in her life or He would not have given her to your family. He loves her very much which is evident through your kind words and patient understanding.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Imho, your brother-in-law can "invite her to events and introduce her to new people" from now on. Or else be in an environment where the tone might be a little different - perhaps a restaurant with friends, or for drinks (if you drink...) - something that might suit her a bit more.
It's a shame that standards of decency need to be explained to a mature adult, but until she understands some of these, I'd seriously limit the social interactions.

 

[mkgal1]

I'd seriously limit the social interactions.

I agree with this--wholeheartedly (and how The Antigrrl suggested interactions could be limited).

The fact that her family backs her up lets you know that she's been taught to believe that her behavior was honorable of praise (and that YOU were expected to "stand up for her"). That's something I couldn't agree to--and it seems that if you want to have social interactions with her, that's something that would forever be expected of you. Thank goodness for social media these days---you're able to glean so much more about these situations w/o having the frustration of trying to figure things out on your own. IMO.....you learned all you needed to know that this is an impossible social situation to handle (well----at least I would consider it impossible based on interactions I've had with people like that that have been conditioned that this is honorable behavior).

BTW...where were these people that are encouraging this behavior of hers when she was growing up in foster care? I wonder if guilt has something to do with them blaming all of you for not "standing up for her"?

I feel for your brother in law. It seems that he's going to have a very difficult road ahead of him trying to deescalate situations (like he had to at the play). When a person is completely resistant to "hear" other's opinions---it's just going to be more of the same. ***I hope I'm wrong....for your family's sake (and--especially--for the sake of their child).

 

[mkgal1]

Now I have no problem having them over to our house, and frequently do, but I'm afraid to bring her to any social events or activities because I don't know how she will behave. That was not an isolated incident, I know, because she has quit two jobs since she moved here, because she "refuses to be treated like crap" (her words). I think she just doesn't "get it" and cannot handle any of the restrictions that adults typically face.

To whomever is pressuring you to introduce her to others and invite her to events.....I would probably just let them know what you posted above. That's a completely reasonable justification. She's given you enough evidence of who she is and how she behaves with others (and she had time--it sounds--to have remorse about her actions and still doesn't see anything wrong). "I'm not willing to risk ruining my relationships with others in order to make life easier for her here. Sorry. I just can't risk that. I value my relationships" is what I'd probably say (or something along those lines).

Unfortunately.....some people leave us with no choice or no way to have healthy relationships with them (that's why they're called "toxic" people).