Bad thoughts about God

[aangel]

It's only Wednesday but this already feels like one of the longest weeks ever. My mom was admitted to the hospital on Monday. She had to get blood transfusion because her blood count was really low and the doctors were worried about it affecting her heart. She's stable now but there's one more medication the doctor wants to give her before she's released. This whole thing really stressed me out and I feel stressed most days.

I struggle with intrusive thoughts but this week they've been so much worse. Intrusive thoughts about death and my mind kept going to the worse possible thing. And thoughts about how I couldn't be positive because I wouldn't recover if things went really bad and then I would hate God. It just would not let up even when I tried to meditate on scripture.

Me and my younger sister we've been staying with our older sister these past couple nights. Some of my relatives didn't want us staying at the house alone. I also been dealing with harm related intrusive thoughts (I've had so many different themes of intrusive thoughts over the years). Which is unwanted thoughts based on the irrational fear of hurting someone on accident or purpose. These thoughts have been projecting themselves onto some of the people I'm around. So basically I feel irrationally suspicious of (not everyone thankfully) certain people I've known for years.

When I fall asleep I'm fine. Despite how many crazy thoughts pop into my head my sleep is actually pretty peaceful. But I've been going to sleep late and waking up a few hours later. When I wake up I keep having thoughts that something bad happened to my mom or someone hurt my loved ones while I was asleep and that God didn't do anything about it or answer my prayer to protect us. Twice after that I've had the thought that if it was true then I would hurt God (a different word popped my head). Logically, I know the thought was ridiculous and I apologized to him. I know he's not responsible for bad things happening. But still I keep questioning if a part of me meant it. I feel bad. But it's like I don't feel bad enough like I'm partially numb or something. I don't think I'm mad at God or at least I don't want to be. I feel so tired and burned out. I've been trying to cling to God. I desperately want to lean on him. I need stability. But I feel like I'm failing.

 

[JCFantasy23]

I'm very sorry to hear all of this, aangel. When someone close to us is sick, it's the hardest thing, especially our mothers. I understand how you are worried - I think similar thoughts when I feel incredibly stressed and frightened too. It sounds like you are on the right path of wanting to lean on God and reading scripture/devoting to prayer.

 

[smithed64]

The Love of Christ! The Fullness, Freeness, and Immutability (unchanging) of the Savior's Grace Displayed!

By James Smith

Believer, never repine at your trials, nor be over-anxious for their removal. They are appointed by Jesus as your Purifier - and are choice blessings in disguise!
See their sanctification, wrestle with God that you may see His love in every stroke, and look to Jesus that you may enjoy His presence when passing through the flame!
Nothing can hurt you - while Jesus is near you; and He is never nearer to you - than when you are in the furnace! For He sits right there as the Refiner...watching the process, regulating the heat, and waiting to effect a gracious deliverance - when the ends of His love are answered.
He is only preparing you for fresh manifestations of His glory - and fitting you for larger communications of His love.
In the furnace, you will lose nothing that is worth keeping - but you will obtain what is truly valuable!

This makes sense when things are just dumping on top of you and you ask, where is God? He's there. We can get angry at God...we can..remember Jacob wrestled with Him, just to get a blessing. Some theologians believe it was Christ He wrestled with, seeing that God is but a Spirit. But we do so with consequences some times, Jacob was given a limp to remind Him, Not for wrestling with Him, but because He got the blessing He wrestled for.
I pray your mother is okay. God, knows what He is doing. Trust Him.
Like it says above, we go through things, hard things many times. Those are the times when we should lean closer to God...but we don't do it very often. We tend to get in the way and try to fix things ourselves.
We have to remember. It's about Him, not us. He loves you and He loves your mother. Your prayers may have been answered. I don't know what you prayed, but as you said, she should be home as soon as they get Her meds right.

God Bless

 

[Zoleee]

I accidentally found this post, but I think it was God who showed me!

I think you suffer from different kind of OCDs. Do you know about those? Do you get treatment for your anxiety? I know this because I suffer from it too! I suffer from Scrupulosity (Religious OCD) but I am afraid of more things. I have a LOT of intrustive thoughts, and I overthink it and it makes me be afraid of doing things.

If you'd like to talk about this, I am here, you can message me. I understand and feel you.

I am praying for you, for your mother, and for your family.

One more thing. Thoughts. There is one thing to do. Don't fight them! If you fight against them, more and more are coming. You have to stay calm and maybe pray ONCE a prayer like this: "Dear Lord, I love you. These thoughts are not me. You know I have these, and you know I don't want them. From now on, if I have more thoughts, those are not me. Love you. Amen"

You are strong. God is fighting for you. Message me if you want to talk. I know a lot about this. I have this. Love.

 

[Stillicidia]

Tremendous faith are the means of shielding away intrusive thoughts like that.

Allow me to try to convey the significance of having faith.

First is trust, and then is belief, and then is faith.

Faith is pretty significant.

That is the shield you are seeking.

First is trust, you expect he would if he wanted.
Then is belief, you understand who he is.
Then is faith, strong faith that would straightway know that he is with you.

Faith is as though you straightway know God is with you, and anything you ask is granted immediately, without hesitation, which is pretty significant.

He is faithful that you will become faithful. He expects that you will come out on top and be a light, share that with him.

 

[BeStill&Know]

Aangel, you are blessed more than you know. One day when you look back at everything going on now, you will see that you were not alone.
I have come to know that sometimes thoughts, evil thoughts that go against God's Word are many times not your thoughts but it a person injecting his thoughts into you.

 

[aangel]

Thanks for the responses and the encouraging words. My mom got released from the hospital around 4:00 yesterday so she's at home now and resting. I'm grateful she's home. I'm trying to be patience with myself. I really want the best possible relationship I can have with God and I want good things for my loved ones as well. When I look at most of my family members life just seems like it's a struggle all around.

 

[aangel]

I accidentally found this post, but I think it was God who showed me!

I think you suffer from different kind of OCDs. Do you know about those? Do you get treatment for your anxiety? I know this because I suffer from it too! I suffer from Scrupulosity (Religious OCD) but I am afraid of more things. I have a LOT of intrustive thoughts, and I overthink it and it makes me be afraid of doing things.

If you'd like to talk about this, I am here, you can message me. I understand and feel you.

I am praying for you, for your mother, and for your family.

One more thing. Thoughts. There is one thing to do. Don't fight them! If you fight against them, more and more are coming. You have to stay calm and maybe pray ONCE a prayer like this: "Dear Lord, I love you. These thoughts are not me. You know I have these, and you know I don't want them. From now on, if I have more thoughts, those are not me. Love you. Amen"

You are strong. God is fighting for you. Message me if you want to talk. I know a lot about this. I have this. Love.

Yeah, I've researched OCD and I've had a lot of different themes. I just haven't been diagnosed yet. Just the thought of talking about the thoughts out loud stresses me out so much. In the past, I even had panic attacks. I've been trying to meditate on scriptures. And I pray that God would give me the desire to see one if only to get a diagnosis.

 

[BeStill&Know]

Yeah, I've researched OCD and I've had a lot of different themes. I just haven't been diagnosed yet. Just the thought of talking about the thoughts out loud stresses me out so much. In the past, I even had panic attacks. I've been trying to meditate on scriptures. And I pray that God would give me the desire to see one if only to get a diagnosis.

Glad to hear your mother is well. Something I've learned, Aangel, Don't aquire the label of OCD (if you are diagnosed) upon yourself or any other label, above the Label that Your Heavenly Father gives you, "a Child of the Most High God".
He is Higher than OCD, anxiety, or any other weakness we may be dealing with.
2 Corinthians 4:7
But this precious treasure—this light and power that now shine within us—is held in a perishable container, that is, in our weak bodies.
2 Corinthians 10:3-4
3 I am an ordinary, weak human being, but I don’t use human plans and methods to win my battles. 4 I use God’s mighty weapons, not those made by men, to knock down the devil’s strongholds.
2 Corinthians 12:9
Each time God said, “No. But I am with you; that is all you need.
My power shows up best in weak people.” Now I am glad to boast about how weak I am; I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ’s power, instead of showing off my own power and abilities.
2 Corinthians 12:10
I am quite happy about “the thorn,” in my flesh and about insults and hardships, persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong—the less I have, the more I depend on him.

 

[Zoleee]

Yeah, I've researched OCD and I've had a lot of different themes. I just haven't been diagnosed yet. Just the thought of talking about the thoughts out loud stresses me out so much. In the past, I even had panic attacks. I've been trying to meditate on scriptures. And I pray that God would give me the desire to see one if only to get a diagnosis.

I don't have any treatment. I use natural things. If you're interested, write me a message anytime. I have learned a lot about OCD. But to be honest, I came back to Christianity, and now I can tell you I live for Jesus, and this is all because of my OCD. So don't give up. God is on the move.

 

[Zoleee]

One more thing for you who don't know OCD.

We all have bad thoughts. A horrible thought pops un in your head. What do you do? You think that it is non-sense and you move on.

What someone who suffer from OCD does? Start to over-analyze it. Why do I get this? Am I bad? What to do? I don't want the thought! Etc etc. Which leads to more and more bad thoughts!

We have to pray about it, and next time a bad thought comes, we have to be like: "This is not me. This is not what I want. I love God. I turst in God." And we must not punish ourselves and make ourselves more and more anxious about it.

We have to trust God. Faith breaks fear.

 

[Jeshu]

Sorry to hear you suffer from this horrible affliction as well it is horrible to have to endure that I know from experience. However if you don't agree with bad thoughts then they are not yours but sin from who knows who pressing on you not anything that is wrong in your head.

I've heard screaming, accusing, cruel, mean, untrue and loveless thoughts and voices all the time, especially hen I'm psychotic. They wake me up in the middle of the night and cast down their horrible feelings upon me and pester me for hours on end. However I never believe them any more. I used to think they were mine thoughts and feelings, but now I know they are not, for I don't agree with such thoughts or feelings whatsoever, never have, rather I have always suffered them.

So I try to ask God to forgive the people thinking such thoughts and having such feelings towards or about others or themselves and teach them that loving thoughts and caring thoughts reap much better rewards than nasty ones. Just as He taught me.

So if you don't believe the thoughts or feelings and yet they attack and hurt you then they are lies and not your own thoughts or don't you think so?

However if you do believe the lies hurting you even if only in part, then simply repent and as God to teach you to love instead. Love in our hearts brings us all kind of good and healthy thoughts and feelings that much is for sure.

I also found that you can ask God if the thoughts/voices attacking are really mean and cruel to shield me from their evil with His love and put the Sons of Korah on and let them sing God's Word to me, this really helps a lot as well. Especially when I'm hurting it very badly.

Much love and many blessings battling this affliction.