avoiding kissing and holding hands altogether...

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Semi-blind post. I've known of people who waited til their wedding day to kiss and didn't actually have sex until like a month after they were married.

 

[SonicBOOM]

Semi-blind post. I've known of people who waited til their wedding day to kiss and didn't actually have sex until like a month after they were married.

I think these situations are more common than people realize I am by no means bashing anyone who has this desire.... however you better be doing it for the right reasons. In actuality the only reason to place boundaries is to protect yourself. It's not to make God smile on your righteousness, it's not to have a better marriage, it's not because you feel you "ought to". It's because you need to protect yourself. Any other boundry made for any other reason needs to be tore down. Here is why, I have known about spouses who actully feel a strong sense of guilt about having sex with their husband/wife. This is very warped thinking and very very very sinful. the bible COMMANDS you to have sex in marrege. so if the same kind of guilt you feel outside of marrege continues inside of marrege than you are under spiritail attack and you are beleiving lies.

again I will say it and say it twice over. If you are setting boundries and your motivation is something "more" than protection and accountability. than you need to check your heart and tear them down and set new ones up with the right motivations. Marrege is not a game, sexuality is not a game. You need to do what is honestly right for the future you hope to have and you need to take a very honest look at what is truly best.

 

[Windmill]

I discovered the wisdom behind not kissing or holding hands when dating...

And I have failed to uncover this wisdom

 

[Oddish]

swine flu?

 

[Windmill]

Semi-blind post. I've known of people who waited til their wedding day to kiss and didn't actually have sex until like a month after they were married.

I wouldn't be surprised.

I don't think thats bad at all though... I mean if you don't wanna have sex well, don't have also. Also, I don't think it is a bad thing at all to not have physical contact like that while you're dating. Not because of the purity thing, but people have different levels of comfort. Some people might be uncomfortable with kissing while they're dating, for whatever reasons they have. It might be a purity related reason, but whatever the reason is, people have different levels of comfort.

But they could not surely be expected to have sex on their wedding night. That would be horribly nerve-wracking! I'm in many ways surprised (though this could be my asexyness kicking in here) many chaste Christian couples have sex on their wedding night. It would be very nerve-wracking and difficult to bring oneself from even kissing to clothes off, full-on sexual activity!

Now imagine not even having kissing under-wraps. Imagine that. So you know pretty much nothing and are skilled in no art of physical affection. How could a couple go from zero to sex?! I'm sure they could be it would surely be an uncomfortable process.

So yeah. A month seems reasonable

 

[Windmill]

If Josh and Anna Duggar can hold hands before marriage,
can't you too?​

 

[Jerimi]

I know this is probably a wrong way of thinking but, if your refrain from any physical contact while dating, doesn't that make you really good friends who hang out a lot alone?

I can't really say much because I have yet to be in a relationship where physical activity wasn't promoted from day one, but it just seems that the physical portion of the relationship (holding hands and kissing) is what pushes you to the level of actually being in a relationship. Without that, you are just good friends. Besides, a kiss can break awkward silence really well when you say something you shouldn't have AND it can get you out of trouble if you time it right.

 

[namelessjuan]

swine flu?

LOL

 

[Windmill]

I know this is probably a wrong way of thinking but, if your refrain from any physical contact while dating, doesn't that make you really good friends who hang out a lot alone?

I can't really say much because I have yet to be in a relationship where physical activity wasn't promoted from day one, but it just seems that the physical portion of the relationship (holding hands and kissing) is what pushes you to the level of actually being in a relationship. Without that, you are just good friends. Besides, a kiss can break awkward silence really well when you say something you shouldn't have AND it can get you out of trouble if you time it right.

I can understand how you'd think this, however I can certainly say this isn't true.

I myself best identify with the orientation of asexuality. Yet I have been in a relationship for 2 years despite never feeling a sexual desire.

Despite this, I was and still am very able to distinguish my feelings for my boyfriend over my friends for best friends. Especially as I was best friends with him like 3 years or so before we got together. Even if there is no physical contact, the feelings one has for the other are completely different. Love is not defined through physical contact. It often results in a desire for physical contact, but it is not love itself.

 

[Jerimi]

I can understand how you'd think this, however I can certainly say this isn't true.

I myself best identify with the orientation of asexuality. Yet I have been in a relationship for 2 years despite never feeling a sexual desire.

Despite this, I was and still am very able to distinguish my feelings for my boyfriend over my friends for best friends. Especially as I was best friends with him like 3 years or so before we got together. Even if there is no physical contact, the feelings one has for the other are completely different. Love is not defined through physical contact. It often results in a desire for physical contact, but it is not love itself.

I suppose that is true. I have never had a non-physical relationship so I wouldn't know. :o

 

[Windmill]

We certainly have physical intimacy, we cuddle and kiss and hold hands and I certainly have a desire to do that, but relationships can certainly exist without that if that is what distinguishes a relationship, the feeling must indeed be infatuation.

 

[Jerimi]

We certainly have physical intimacy, we cuddle and kiss and hold hands and I certainly have a desire to do that, but relationships can certainly exist without that if that is what distinguishes a relationship, the feeling must indeed be infatuation.

It may not be love but it does not have to be infatuation. Love is something that develops over time. In the mean time you have something else. Something not quite love but not infatuation. A middle ground where enjoying the others company is the important part.

 

[Luther073082]

I think these situations are more common than people realize I am by no means bashing anyone who has this desire.... however you better be doing it for the right reasons. In actuality the only reason to place boundaries is to protect yourself. It's not to make God smile on your righteousness, it's not to have a better marriage, it's not because you feel you "ought to". It's because you need to protect yourself. Any other boundry made for any other reason needs to be tore down. Here is why, I have known about spouses who actully feel a strong sense of guilt about having sex with their husband/wife. This is very warped thinking and very very very sinful. the bible COMMANDS you to have sex in marrege. so if the same kind of guilt you feel outside of marrege continues inside of marrege than you are under spiritail attack and you are beleiving lies.

again I will say it and say it twice over. If you are setting boundries and your motivation is something "more" than protection and accountability. than you need to check your heart and tear them down and set new ones up with the right motivations. Marrege is not a game, sexuality is not a game. You need to do what is honestly right for the future you hope to have and you need to take a very honest look at what is truly best.

Thats the problem with this. I belive that 99.9999% of people are doing it for attention or so that they can feel as though they are "more pure" then others. I worry that protestant "evangelicals" have taken the no sex before marriage thing so far, that they cause damage and a warped sense of faith from the younger people.

The faith litterally becomes all about not having sex before marriage. And then also being "more pure" (as though kissing or holding hands was biblically condemned prior to marriage).

In all honesty, if the things you have taught your children have in the end caused them to wait for an entire month after marriage before having sex with their spouse, then you have psychologically damaged your children into an almost phobia of sex or intimacy.

Waiting for marriage to have sex is about loving God enough to obey his intentions for sex. It is not about having the absolute crap scared out of you about the act. And its definatly not about trying to be more pure then other people. Its about loving and willing obedience. Not an obedience of fear.

 

[Sunset2009]

I know this is probably a wrong way of thinking but, if your refrain from any physical contact while dating, doesn't that make you really good friends who hang out a lot alone?

I can't really say much because I have yet to be in a relationship where physical activity wasn't promoted from day one, but it just seems that the physical portion of the relationship (holding hands and kissing) is what pushes you to the level of actually being in a relationship. Without that, you are just good friends. Besides, a kiss can break awkward silence really well when you say something you shouldn't have AND it can get you out of trouble if you time it right.

Yeeaaahhh, no.
If you can't bond with someone intimately/emotionally without physical/sexual contact, you got some problems!
One could argue it's best to refrain from physical intimacy on any level (for awhile) so you can KNOW that you like the person, and are with the person because of who they are, not because of how they make you feel physically.
Yuck.


As for those who claim that going from zero physical contact, to full on sex within an hour, uhh... one-night stands, anyone?
Yeah, those people are messed up, so not a good example. But it does happen all the time.

 

[Windmill]

Yes but one-night stands almost always occur with sexually experienced individuals. They know what they're doing, and they both don't usually know each other well, and so all bets are off. If they embarass themselves it doesn't matter, because they'll be gone in the morning. Most inexperienced people that engage in one-night stands have a terrible time.

 

[namelessjuan]

Yeeaaahhh, no.
If you can't bond with someone intimately/emotionally without physical/sexual contact, you got some problems!
One could argue it's best to refrain from physical intimacy on any level (for awhile) so you can KNOW that you like the person, and are with the person because of who they are, not because of how they make you feel physically.
Yuck.


As for those who claim that going from zero physical contact, to full on sex within an hour, uhh... one-night stands, anyone?
Yeah, those people are messed up, so not a good example. But it does happen all the time.

You're right.

 

[namelessjuan]

Yes but one-night stands almost always occur with sexually experienced individuals. They know what they're doing, and they both don't usually know each other well, and so all bets are off. If they embarass themselves it doesn't matter, because they'll be gone in the morning. Most inexperienced people that engage in one-night stands have a terrible time.

You're speaking from experience yeah?

 

[Windmill]

XD No, but just from other people with experience

Good sex doesn't just occur. If you're having sex for the first time with a random stranger, your sex is likely to suck.

 

[namelessjuan]

XD No, but just from other people with experience

Good sex doesn't just occur. If you're having sex for the first time with a random stranger, your sex is likely to suck.

You're speaking from conceptual experience. And for the most part you are right when you look at things from a long term perspective. That is, would you rather have "good" sex with countless random strangers and run with the risks that engaging in such activities entails? Or would you rather have sex with someone that you have built and established a trusting meaningful relationship with(your spouse)? Part of the experience is two people bonding and getting to know one another. I did not always think this way and part of the reason for that is because I saw things from the perspective of the world, where casual sex is pushed on society as a norm. And another reason is because I had no desire to really commit myself to a long term relationship(and part of the reason for this is because of the women I was getting involved with). I'm praying about these things in my life though, and my perceptions are starting to change.

 

[BeefSupreme]

Funny that intellect in our species has branched off to include such strange and inhuman thoughts and attitudes such as "No hugging or kissing".

Seriously, is this what humans have a brain for? Surely it could be better used on more pressing issues.... Like who killed Jacko and such.