Aspie Vent

[JennyPenny901]

I have Asperger's and I'm gonna vent. No I am not having a pity party or feeling sorry for myself I am venting because just like everyone else things bother me. Things upset me. I don't express it the way others do in fact my face is expressionless. My voice is monotone. But just because I don't express it doesn't mean I'm a total robot. Yes I'm very unemotional when it comes to most things. I will now share how my Asperger's affects me and vent...

I feel no emotions for music at all. I'm unable to do that. Music does not make me happy or sad or anything else. I do get a high from music. The high I get feels like a sugar rush or a caffeine rush so when there is music I dance I gotta move. Hard to keep still when having a sugar or caffeine rush. I dance during worship at Church I'm the only one who dances but the Pastor said it's ok so I dance. I do wish someone else would join me dancing I would like that but no one ever does. I never go to public places where there is dancing cause I know I would end up a wallflower trying to look comfortable sitting alone next to a potted plant. I've been to places where there is dancing and that's exactly what's happened. I just sit and watch other people dance and that's no fun at all.

I feel no emotions at all for nature. I see other people get such a thrill from looking at the stars or a sunset when I look I feel nothing at all. I want to share that and feel what they feel but I can't. Sometimes I feel like I'm less of a Christian cause I know GOD created all the outdoors for His glory and yet I feel no feelings for His creation. I hear people express their feelings about creation with such a passion and yet the best I can do is say "it's nice." Even that is stretching it cause I honestly have no feelings at all for nature.

My emotions that I do have turn off against my will and I can't get them back on. They turn on and off but I dunno who is flipping the switch and it's not me. It happened at a friends wedding I was excited (yes I felt excitement) she always wanted to be married. I watched the wedding and it happened I was stone I literally felt nothing I turned and looked at those around me and everyone but me is emotional only reason I knew they were emotional is cause they wiped tears from their eyes. I wanted to join in and feel something but I couldn't I literally couldn't feel anything during the wedding ceremony. It wasn't like I was overstimulated nope I know when that happens and I simply leave when that happens and that wasn't it. No one had said or done anything wrong to me and I wasn't purposely working on feeling nothing in fact I was doing the exact opposite of that. Yet I felt nothing the whole time and there was nothing I could do about it. It's happened numerous times in public and at home. All I can do when they turn off is just wait for my emotions to turn on again. People pointing it out to me doesn't help either cause I'll remember what they said when my emotions are back on and feel horribly guilty for being unemotional. I don't know what triggers my emotions to turn on and off against my will all I know is it happens.

I'm unable to read body language or facial expressions at all. I can't even read tone of voice because I'm tone deaf. So even among my friends (none of which are autistic except for one lady who is much older then me I rarely get to see) I feel like I'm on the outside looking in left out and alone cause I can't read them. I know my friends love me they tell me they love me and they give me lots of hugs which I like hugging is one of my favorite things to do. Still I can't connect with them cause I don't understand them and they don't understand me. Also all my friends except one are aged 50 and over cause I get along better with people older then me I dunno why I just do. What bothers me is they parent me and I already have parents but I wonder if they feel they have to cause I have special needs. They don't do that to others my age just me and I want them to stop babying me but I don't know how to communicate that to them. Could someone please tell me how I can say that to my friends in a Christ like way? I would like friends my age though but I dunno how to be friends with people my age I don't understand them. With people age 50 and over I don't need to understand them they will talk endlessly about their mortgages, their spouses, their kids and many things I don't understand and all I have to do is just nod along. I would like to have more of a conversation with people but I dunno how. I have sever social anxiety and I have to think what do I say and what do I do. I always worry if I'm gonna say or do something wrong.

I always have racing thoughts that literally never stop. I'm always thinking about a million different things at once and I can't stop it or slow it down. It's overwhelming. I notice everything literally I see every single detail about everything I'm just unable to process it as fast as I am thinking it. I also think in pictures like Temple Grandin does.

I also have seasonal depression. Every time the seasons change from spring to summer, from summer to fall, from fall to winter and from winter to spring I get the blues or as Sherlock Holmes calls it a black mood. I'm unable to control it and telling me to cheer up doesn't help. I don't wanna be told to think positive or anything near that. When I share my blues aka depression I just want to be listened to and prayed for that's it. When I go through it I no longer have any interest in things I normally like, I feel sad all the time, sometimes cry for no reason, I lose my appetite, I can't sleep, I have no energy, I don't wanna talk to anyone and I don't want anyone to talk to me. Sometimes I'll also get stomach aches, back aches and neck aches during that time. I'm also very vulnerable to nightmares during that time so if I do sleep I'll have a bad dream. During that time I also feel like I'm in a daze and not fully aware of everything around me. When I finally come out of it I feel like I have woken up from a very deep sleep. Sometimes the black mood only lasts a day sometimes it'll last for weeks and even up to a full month. I have no control over when it starts or when it stops.

I am lonely. I want to have friends with autism who are my age but I dunno where to find them. I'm 27 be 28 this September 1st. But I think my brain might be younger then the rest of me cause I use the word "like" a lot like a teenager does, and I wanna do sleepovers (I only went to two and it was just me and another girl and all she did was stare at her phone the whole time that was boring), I still like to color and build forts and I still like arcades and theme parks. I wanna do a sleepover like the kind Betty and Veronica have in Archie comics where there's lots of girls and they do each others nail polish and talk about makeup and clothes and watch a romantic comedy what guys would call a chick flick or a Disney/Pixar movie and other girly stuff like that.

I am also lonely cause I don't have a boyfriend. I haven't had a date in five years. I never been kissed. When guys have danced with me it's cause they were forced to. I want to have a boyfriend. I want romance like going for walks holding hands, sharing secrets with each other we have never told anyone else, dancing when there is no music (no I don't mean the mattress cha cha) I mean normal slow dancing but have no music playing, him giving me flowers when there is no reason like no holiday or anything, him writing me and sending me a letter even when I'll see him the next day and stuff like that. I've never had any of that and I want to experience all of that at least once.

I don't feel pain when I am supposed to. When I fall I have to find someone to help find scrapes on me cause I won't feel pain. I have bruises from falling and they never hurt.

I also have dyspraxia. I think this is why I trip and fall so much. I have to walk downstairs sideways holding onto the rail cause my balance is really bad. I feel more balanced when I wear high heals though. I'm also told I have a very stiff gait.

I also not only dance but I rock back and forth when I listen to music. I rock back and forth a lot I like doing it.

When I read I like to sit upside down like put my head where the seat is and put my feet the back of the chair. I also like wearing mismatched socks.

I'm unable to drive I have no peripheral vision at all and my reflexes are incredibly slow.

I am frustrated because I'm getting no help or services at all from the government. Battled 6 years for services even with a lawyer keep getting turned down cause they say I'm not sever enough. I have no squeeze machine or weighted vest even though I would like to have those. I get no therapy or any extra help or any money for my autism at all. I heard my Mom begging Inland Regional to give me services she told them should something happen to her like her dying before me I am homeless. This thought scares me.

I dunno what is gonna happen to me I never got my GED wasn't able to and now I can't afford to try again. I am trained for nothing I have no experience in anything. I'm an Avon e-representative but I'm failing miserably at it. They tell me to have passion for the products but I can't do that I don't feel anything at all for any product. I'm not allowed to go door to door in my community it's a gated community (believe me it's not all it's cracked up to be.) I would get a big fine if I went door to door and there's no flyers allowed either. I'm in Canyon Lake California go ahead and google it and you'll see it's a small place with no services at all for me. I want to move to somewhere else where there is help and services for me but I'm unable to do that. I'm also totally broke I have no money of my own. I'm also not an American citizen yet I would like to be and my green card expires next year but that takes money I don't have and I dunno what to do or how to do it.

I also don't know how to tell time or count money. I keep working on it but I'm finding it very difficult.

I tried once to tell a Christian sister my vent and she stopped me and said that I gotta figure it out on my own and just get out there and overcome and that no one was gonna do it but me. I felt so alone when she said that. I thought it's ok for everyone else to ask for help no one is an island why is it bad for me to ask for help?? When people tell me to overcome I hear "just stop being you. change into someone else so that you can be like everyone else because right now you don't fit in." It always hurts my feelings. The world at large rejects me cause I'm different I'm called weird and a freak and odd and retarded and short bus. I'm the elephant in the room. I would like to just make things happen but I can't I want to figure it out on my own but I can't. No one seems to get the fact that I have limitations just like everyone else and they all want me to just do stuff that I can't do. As if I have some hidden cure for autism.

One thing that makes me very angry is the Christian teaching that if you believe in Jesus you'll be healed of everything and if you have autism or in a wheelchair or even have a cold your under some curse or don't have enough faith. Nothing gets me angrier then that. I've been rejected enough by the world I don't need the Church rejecting me as well. I need acceptance for who I am. I need to hear that who I am is ok and that I can be myself and there's nothing wrong with that. I need to hear that I don't need to change or put on an act just to be accepted. Thankfully my home Church doesn't believe in or spread that lie so I'm accepted there.

So that's my vent for now...

 

[NIrelandGillian]

Hi Jenny,

First of all, I am writing as the mother of 2 aspies and 1 adult with autism.

Thank you for sharing how things are for you. You explain it very well. It's ok that you don't feel emotions. Some people don't. You don't need to stop being you and start being like other people, because God made you the way you are - you are 'fearfully and wonderfully made' according to Psalm 139 v14, so praise Him, even if it's just to say thank you to Him for making you, even if you don't feel full of praise.

Your church sounds like a good place to be. I love how you like to get up and dance there and don't let the fact that no one else joins you put you off. Your pastor sounds like an understanding kind of guy and that's good too. You remind me of a missionaries' child who was at home on furlough from Mozambique with her parents and siblings. They are members of our church and when they could they attended there. This little girl, aged 5, was itching to dance when the hymns were being sung, because this is what they do in the church her family belongs to in Mozambique, where she has lived since babyhood. She would definitely have kept you company.

I also love how you have adopted your own special position for reading and that you like to wear mismatched socks - my daughter used to do that too. It definitely makes finding socks to wear much easier than if you're trying to find a pair.

Just wondering, if you're not an American citizen, what is your country of origin, if you don't mind me asking?

God bless!

Gillian.

 

[JennyPenny901]

Hi Jenny,

First of all, I am writing as the mother of 2 aspies and 1 adult with autism.

Thank you for sharing how things are for you. You explain it very well. It's ok that you don't feel emotions. Some people don't. You don't need to stop being you and start being like other people, because God made you the way you are - you are 'fearfully and wonderfully made' according to Psalm 139 v14, so praise Him, even if it's just to say thank you to Him for making you, even if you don't feel full of praise.

Your church sounds like a good place to be. I love how you like to get up and dance there and don't let the fact that no one else joins you put you off. Your pastor sounds like an understanding kind of guy and that's good too. You remind me of a missionaries' child who was at home on furlough from Mozambique with her parents and siblings. They are members of our church and when they could they attended there. This little girl, aged 5, was itching to dance when the hymns were being sung, because this is what they do in the church her family belongs to in Mozambique, where she has lived since babyhood. She would definitely have kept you company.

I also love how you have adopted your own special position for reading and that you like to wear mismatched socks - my daughter used to do that too. It definitely makes finding socks to wear much easier than if you're trying to find a pair.

Just wondering, if you're not an American citizen, what is your country of origin, if you don't mind me asking?

God bless!

Gillian.

I was born in Toronto Ontario Canada... Thank you for your compliment saying I explained well. I always worry if I'm saying things the right way so people will understand me... Oh I wish I could dance with that little girl she sounds like a lot of fun... Yes my Pastor is very understanding and he is very funny he's also a comedian. He's a celebrity Thor Ramsey (yes that's his real name.) Google him or go to YouTube and watch his comedy and he's funny when doing sermons to which helps me to remember what he said.

 

[grandvizier1006]

I can understand some of what you're saying, but not all of it is familiar to me. I know how it feels to want to be younger than you are, though, I always feel like I missed out on stuff during my adolescence. Like I never got the chance to act "normally".

I've found that God is able to turn our bad circumstances for His glory and goodness. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but there are a few things you can do. A lot of times a situation can be improved with just an attitude change. When you're depressed, it can be VERY hard to change your attitude because the hopelessness is addicting. But it can be done,,even if your situation can't change.

The first thing is to be thankful for everything. You have a job and friends, which is more than I can say for myself. I would love friends my age, but friends in general is great to have. All of those 50-something ladies might see you as like another child of theirs, not a special needs person. Coincidentally, I have a 50-something friend on this site as well, and I know that I am like the son he never had. I don't want him being my only friend, but with friends you often have to take what you can get.

Don't be self-conscious about your quirks an idiosyncrasies like dancing to music or whatever. If people keep criticizing those, then that's their issue, I myself dislike people's idiosyncrasies sometimes, especially when they annoy me, but deep down it's my fault for being so grumpy, not the person doing the weird thing. So just remember that.

I hate to say it, but to some degree the one friend who said you need to help yourself is right. There are a lot of things you can do, like try to maintain a positive attitude and be thankful for what you do have, that can help make life easier.

Also, see if you can't do something about the seasonal depression. That sounds like that would really take a lot out of you, but it is manageable.

Don't think of it is as changing who you are--think of it as improving who you already are.

 

[Darkhorse]

One thing that makes me very angry is the Christian teaching that if you believe in Jesus you'll be healed of everything and if you have autism or in a wheelchair or even have a cold your under some curse or don't have enough faith. Nothing gets me angrier then that. I've been rejected enough by the world I don't need the Church rejecting me as well. I need acceptance for who I am. I need to hear that who I am is ok and that I can be myself and there's nothing wrong with that. I need to hear that I don't need to change or put on an act just to be accepted. Thankfully my home Church doesn't believe in or spread that lie so I'm accepted there.

So that's my vent for now...

Maybe God made you just the way He wants you...

I have 2 Asperger / autism boys.

 

[zippy2]

My daughter has mild Aspergers. She is 30. I wish you and she could be friends. And I know God made her and you, just as He wanted you to be for a reason. He loves you so much.

She is especially sensitive to electricity sounds...she can hear it! Also she hates bass sounds. And when she gets interested in a subject she learns everything about it she can before she moves on to something else. Sometimes that can be years. She is often uncomfortable in social situations, too. Unless she is talking about something she is familiar with. (but aren't we all?)

I hope things are a little better for you now that you vented a bit. Please know you can vent anytime you want with us.
Hang in there Sweetie.

 

[directory]

I was diagnosed with asperger's a few years back– it's not a word doctors use anymore, since it's just a portion of the "autism spectrum" in diagnostic handbooks, which I guess means I can call myself autistic. It explained why I never really got to have an adolescence– I had strong emotions, and at times I think I felt the world more deeply than did anyone I knew, but it's like all of that feeling was trapped in a collapsed mine, not just hidden but utterly inexpressible. It's like there was a whole universe inside me, like describing my feelings would involve words that didn't exist in the English language. I've always loved writing, but the satisfaction of finding a combination of words that actually brought forth so much as a molecule of my internal universe came rarely. My emotions were like obscene but well-drawn paintings given to you as gifts by relatives– you couldn't throw them away (who knows when the relatives might come back), you couldn't possibly hang anything that dirty on your walls for everyone to see, and you secretly admired the artistic qualities of the work. So you hide them away in the attic, bringing them down only when the relatives who gave them to you come over, but frequently go up there to admire them. I was afraid of myself and enamored of myself at once. I was locked in a shell, trapped in a mine, silent, dormant, paralyzed– my friends saw little more than my blank face, heard little more than the jokes I used to distract from the deadness and noise in my brain, and interacted with little more than my abhorrent social skills.

Lately, I've become more eager to express that inner universe of mine, and I've been more assertive about showing my friends what goes on inside me. I'm still far from achieving much, though.

It might be the case that autism has helped me seek after God by pulling me away from the world, let me stand outside of humankind at an objective distance– I can love my fellow creatures, but I won't smother myself in them.

Eh, who knows?

 

[grandvizier1006]

I was diagnosed with asperger's a few years back– it's not a word doctors use anymore, since it's just a portion of the "autism spectrum" in diagnostic handbooks, which I guess means I can call myself autistic. It explained why I never really got to have an adolescence– I had strong emotions, and at times I think I felt the world more deeply than did anyone I knew, but it's like all of that feeling was trapped in a collapsed mine, not just hidden but utterly inexpressible. It's like there was a whole universe inside me, like describing my feelings would involve words that didn't exist in the English language. I've always loved writing, but the satisfaction of finding a combination of words that actually brought forth so much as a molecule of my internal universe came rarely. My emotions were like obscene but well-drawn paintings given to you as gifts by relatives– you couldn't throw them away (who knows when the relatives might come back), you couldn't possibly hang anything that dirty on your walls for everyone to see, and you secretly admired the artistic qualities of the work. So you hide them away in the attic, bringing them down only when the relatives who gave them to you come over, but frequently go up there to admire them. I was afraid of myself and enamored of myself at once. I was locked in a shell, trapped in a mine, silent, dormant, paralyzed– my friends saw little more than my blank face, heard little more than the jokes I used to distract from the deadness and noise in my brain, and interacted with little more than my abhorrent social skills.

Lately, I've become more eager to express that inner universe of mine, and I've been more assertive about showing my friends what goes on inside me. I'm still far from achieving much, though.

It might be the case that autism has helped me seek after God by pulling me away from the world, let me stand outside of humankind at an objective distance– I can love my fellow creatures, but I won't smother myself in them.

Eh, who knows?

I can relate somewhat, except for me it was just finding words to say and then saying them out loud. I could think the words, and sometimes I could write them, but it's like I was never really given a chance to speak. So many conversations have been wasted by people not letting me talk, and then by the time they do I forget what I'm going to say. Maybe it's for the best, a lot of our "wise words of wisdom" might just be depressed or stressed ramblings.

 

[zippy2]

I was diagnosed with asperger's a few years back– it's not a word doctors use anymore, since it's just a portion of the "autism spectrum" in diagnostic handbooks, which I guess means I can call myself autistic. It explained why I never really got to have an adolescence– I had strong emotions, and at times I think I felt the world more deeply than did anyone I knew, but it's like all of that feeling was trapped in a collapsed mine, not just hidden but utterly inexpressible. It's like there was a whole universe inside me, like describing my feelings would involve words that didn't exist in the English language. I've always loved writing, but the satisfaction of finding a combination of words that actually brought forth so much as a molecule of my internal universe came rarely. My emotions were like obscene but well-drawn paintings given to you as gifts by relatives– you couldn't throw them away (who knows when the relatives might come back), you couldn't possibly hang anything that dirty on your walls for everyone to see, and you secretly admired the artistic qualities of the work. So you hide them away in the attic, bringing them down only when the relatives who gave them to you come over, but frequently go up there to admire them. I was afraid of myself and enamored of myself at once. I was locked in a shell, trapped in a mine, silent, dormant, paralyzed– my friends saw little more than my blank face, heard little more than the jokes I used to distract from the deadness and noise in my brain, and interacted with little more than my abhorrent social skills.

Lately, I've become more eager to express that inner universe of mine, and I've been more assertive about showing my friends what goes on inside me. I'm still far from achieving much, though.

It might be the case that autism has helped me seek after God by pulling me away from the world, let me stand outside of humankind at an objective distance– I can love my fellow creatures, but I won't smother myself in them.

Eh, who knows?

Very beautifully said. I can see you are a talented writer. You should bring more out for others to see, at least when you feel like it. My daughter is a writer too,, a talented one as well. But she too hides it most of the time.
Most Aspies are gifted or very intelligent or both. Very nice to meet you.
Zippy2

 

[directory]

Very beautifully said. I can see you are a talented writer. You should bring more out for others to see, at least when you feel like it. My daughter is a writer too,, a talented one as well. But she too hides it most of the time.
Most Aspies are gifted or very intelligent or both. Very nice to meet you.
Zippy2

Thank you so much! I hope your daughter finds happiness in her writing– it's an infuriating joy, this hobby. Best wishes!

 

[NIrelandGillian]

I was born in Toronto Ontario Canada... Thank you for your compliment saying I explained well. I always worry if I'm saying things the right way so people will understand me... Oh I wish I could dance with that little girl she sounds like a lot of fun... Yes my Pastor is very understanding and he is very funny he's also a comedian. He's a celebrity Thor Ramsey (yes that's his real name.) Google him or go to YouTube and watch his comedy and he's funny when doing sermons to which helps me to remember what he said.[/QUOTE

That's interesting that you were born in Toronto. I have relatives there and have visited twice. Loved it both times. Yes, I can see how a comedian can help you remember what he says. I've known many preachers over the years who have used humour in their messages and it definitely does help to put the point across.

Gillian