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Another vow problem, can't tell if it's OCD

Discussion in 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder' started by gtp40, May 17, 2012.

  1. gtp40

    gtp40 Junior Member

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    So I've been under major struggle with OCD lately. I had struggled with the vow thing hard core earlier this year and after that I started having major trouble with some old topics like the unforgivable sin, and some new ones like possession.

    While all this has been going on I have quit school and am now looking for full time work. I am looking for work in Information Technology as that is a field I love and am good at. I have 5 years experience in it and feel that I would be wonderful at it.

    Today I was experiencing some extreme frustration. Finding these jobs are really hard and everyone has been telling me to just take a job at Home Depot or something. Now there is nothing wrong with a retail job but I feel that at this point in my life it is better to wait longer and get into something that will be great for long term than it would be to just randomly get a job that has nothing to do with my career.

    Well, job hunting is HARD, anyone who is doing it know that! I was extremely frustrated today, and my head was going on and on about this job thing. In my frustration I said something along the lines of "if I take a job like that (meaning something like Home Depot) then I will never work in IT". I said this in a way that made it seem like a vow.

    Here's the thing, I've been doing really good at identifying OCD situations and dismissing them. Things like:

    1. Making a decision with "vows"
    2. Racing myself [I have to get off this chair before the song ends or "vow"]
    3. Fixing other vows with new ones that negate the old ones
    4. Using a vow to stop anxiety

    What I did today falls into none of those categories. It was something that came out [mentally] because of pure frustration. Now I have no idea if I actually vowed this or not. I also don't know if I said that I couldn't get a job like Home Depot, or any non IT job in general. So now I'm afraid that if I go back into my current job temporarily that I am 100% disqualified from ever taking an IT job unless I want to go against God.

    What's your take on this? The worst part is I can't really remember what I said, so I have no idea what to do.
     
  2. gtp40

    gtp40 Junior Member

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    Also, that pushed me over the edge and I finally started Zoloft. The issue is, now I feel really funny from the Zoloft and that makes it even harder to figure out whether or not what I said was a vow. My mind feels totally different now than it did hours ago. I wish I would have taken this medication ages ago because the intrusive thoughts are already better.

    I feel like I said what I said because I was angry and wanted to say that because it would make me feel better. I'm really upset.
     
  3. flowerforever7

    flowerforever7 Newbie

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    Hi,

    I have OCD, and tend to make excessive vows. I make vows on almost everything. There are a number of types of cars I made vows to God I would not buy, employers I vowed I would not work for, etc. It becomes quite disabling. I am taken aback by the amount of vows I make on almost everything.

    Recently, I prayed to God for Him to not honor any "vows" unless I say them out loud in the form of "I vow..." and mean it (they can't be vows made out of compulsion), but must be vows I have come to as a process of careful, thoughtful deliberation on any matter.

    Hopefully, this will prevent me from feeling obligated to stick to every thought that enters my head. Some times if I make a mental statement like "I will put the papers away in 15 minutes", and I delay, I feel like I am sinning against God by breaking my word. I think there are cases where we are not really making a vow to God, just a internal statement before ourselves of our intentions about something. I think because God is so close and we do not want to displease God, we look at it like it is a vow to God, when it really may not be. A thought may be an internal statement, not a "vow" to God. Obviously, this is not in every situation, but I think it can account for some.

    I am hoping to start traditional neurofeedback therapy sometime soon, which has been said to be helpful for OCD. It is not cheap, but I am willing to try to invest the money in getting better, even if it means I have to pick up extra work to do it.

    Will pray for you.

    God bless.
    _______
    Acts 22:16 "And now why do you wait? Rise and be baptized and wash away your sins, calling on his name.’"
     
  4. gtp40

    gtp40 Junior Member

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    Thanks for the reply. This one has really been shaking me bad. I've never thought that under these circumstances before so I'm having trouble figuring it out. I have no idea why I said it or why I would say it. The problem is the farther I get from the time it happened, the less I remember.

    My scheduler wants me to work Saturday. I don't know what to say since I don't know if I said that I can't work a retail job, or any non IT job, or whether this is just some OCD crap.

    I'm worried that I said that because I just wanted to say something bad, although that makes no sense either. I doubt I would be that stupid. I would imagine if I actually meant it I would remember but I have no idea.

    The zoloft is really helping but I'm still stuck trying to figure this out.
     
  5. flowerforever7

    flowerforever7 Newbie

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    Hi,

    I don't know exactly what was going through your head, or what God's will would be for you in this situation. However, I do want to point some things out:

    You said: "I have no idea why I said it or why I would say it." - That makes me think it is probable it was an intrusive thought in the form of a vow. You also said "I'm worried that I said that because I just wanted to say something bad, although that makes no sense either. I doubt I would be that stupid. I would imagine if I actually meant it I would remember but I have no idea."

    The high level of uncertainty about the whole ordeal, and the way you describe it makes me highly suspect that this was an OCD episode. Your "urge" to say something bad (if that's what it was), combined with a vow immediately afterward which in your own words you said you have "no idea why" you said it or why you would say it, all sounds like OCD. Did the vow you made have to do with thoughtful deliberation about IT regarding a spiritual issue, or when you made the vow did you feel like the words were quickly put in your mouth or you were being forced against your will by your mind? Though I am not certain, I personally doubt God is going to hold you accountable for something that was beyond your control. Further, did you really make this vow to God, or did you make it to yourself within your own heart?

    It really sounds like OCD to me.

    God bless.
    ________
    Acts 22:16 "And now why do you wait? Rise and be baptized and wash away your sins, calling on his name.’"
     
  6. RuthD

    RuthD Forgiveness is so important. Supporter

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    I realize how hard it is to find a job and have OCD. I have OCD, too. I hope you will keep posting about it. I really don't have any advice, sorry. I will pray for you. God bless you.
     
  7. dabro

    dabro A child of the living God.

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    No worries Mitzi I justy threwe up while Iwas sleeping.
     
  8. gtp40

    gtp40 Junior Member

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    What?
     
  9. gracealone

    gracealone Regular Member

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    OCD magical thinking. Your words do not have that much power. Feeling super anxious or obsessive about it is the clue that it's OCD. People say "never" all the time about all sorts of things. It's just a way to exaggerate a concern. It's meaningless so ignore it.
    Mitzi

     
  10. OCDToo

    OCDToo Newbie

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    I am too ocd sufferer. I understand your feeling. I am bhuddist. but whatever regligion you are but thing of this. I have religion ocd. so I have uncontroable vow. However, the truth depend on our heart and action. if your haearth and action do not aim to do this thing why worry. God or wheveer religion you are in will understand this. If god is truely merciful he will understand you have ocd it is not your fault. if your hearth and action alway aim to do good you dont have to afraid of anything
     
  11. princesspeach5280

    princesspeach5280 Newbie

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    I'm not sure what advice to give, but I have the exact same thing happen to me. I hope things get better.
     
  12. 123flower

    123flower Newbie

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    I see this is an old post, but now it has brought up again I also want to mention that I have the same ocd: making vows excessively and don't remember if I made a vow or not. In my life I've made so many vows that I probably break vows everyday because the problem is that I don't know anymore whether I made a vow about something or not. But thank God, I have been cured from my ocd. Not only vow making, but also from cleaning and controlling things (doors, gas).

    Because I had various kinds of ocd it was pretty severe, but the vow making was the worst which almost destroyed me. Years it was just torment in my head. When I made some vows I had to think about it again whether I made a vow or not. This was a very complex happening in my head which really drove me to the edge that I didn't want to live anymore. But the fear of consequences of suicide and the will to live, knowing this problem will someday be over, made me continue with fighting against this decease over and over again. Next to vows I also made rules which had to be applied. I cannot describe it all in detail how my vow ocd is, because it is way to complex. But I have prayed to God and confessed my sins and said that I wanted to follow Him. I felt relief and I was free from ocd. Still, I feel some ocd symptoms though, but I keep believing and then it will all disappear forever.
     
  13. CanadianHockeyChick

    CanadianHockeyChick Newbie

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    Thankfully I have found this site. I haven't been officially diagnosed with OCD yet but I am having a lot of those symptoms regarding the vows. They can be quite debilitating for sure. The only thing that is keeping me sane is the fact that I don't say them out loud and I know that an oath has to be spoken or written--at least that's what I understand anyway.
     
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