Am I evil?

[Nisa]

Hello everybody!

Since I turned to Christ while being a teenager, I grew up in a Charismatic church. It is a small church,mainly made up of young people,most of them really wanting to know God. There was a lot of emphasis put on gifts and especially manifestations but not that much on holiness or behaviour. The pastor especially liked to see people slain in the Spirit and while praying for them he would move them back&forth or gently push them. I actually turned to God after being set free which I think it was a genuine experience due to my past and also I knew nothing back then about manifestations. But still, almost everytime I received prayer at the altar calls people would pray deliverance for me and I began to ask myself-am I that bad? Like what am I doing wrong if I need deliverance every week? I have problems with depression and anxiety, but are they always demonic? Also, I felt so pressured to manifest each time I received prayer or to be slain in the Spirit. To be honest, I can count on my fingers the times when I genuinely felt the presence of the Holy Spirit and couldn't stay on my feet-one time everybody was falling and when he prayed for me I didn't feel anything and he just whispered to me tjust get down and the other day he was talking about how the Holy Spirit came at the meeting and all were slain the the Spirit. I always felt pressured to fake an experience or a manifestation so they could be happy. And it is not only me. Like we had people in church who had different deseases and received prophetic words that they will be healedd and they died. Is this OK? I mean they gave prophetic words that came to pass, too.

I am just so confused. I left this church for several months now because pain from past is coming up, I am dealing with a lot of depression and they would only pray deliverance for me-I don't say this is not good but man....I just needed someone to listen to me. Not to be seen as a demon sack. I still love and miss the church and I believe with all my heart that the pastors are good people who really love God. There are people coming to me now, from that church, who are so hurt because of some things that happen but have no courage to speak with the pastors or to leave or do something and I don't know what to tell them. I am so confused and scared that I am deceived right now and making a huge mistake by leaving church. I am attending now another church and I am so shocked when I see that I don't need to fake that I am good and that I can actually talk not only about my struggles but about how to overcome sin. I was shocked when the pastor asked me how was my walk with God-I was never asked this before. If I was radiant and going to all meetings they assumed I was good spiritually. If I did not attend all meetings or if I wasn't totally involved in worhsip-then there was a problem.But I am still so scared and confused right now. I don't know what to think, how to think about all the manifestations-didn't I insult the Holy Spirit when I was faking them?

 

[FoundInGrace]

I'm sorry you have had those experiences and felt pressured in those ways - that's seriously not right. I am so glad you have found a church that is listening and caring and seems more down to earth in how they help people. The people at your old church while I'm sure they do care seem to be too interested in appearances and experiences than what is really going on with people. I too have had experiences of people pushing my forehead to make me fall over and I just don't like that or have time for that kind of thing, the fakeness is a turn off because well.. It is fake. Good on you for seeing that. The new church they sound more balanced and down to earth and real.. I'd go to the new one if I were you, it sounds good.

 

[SeventyOne]

I don't know what to think, how to think about all the manifestations-didn't I insult the Holy Spirit when I was faking them?

That's the great thing about forgiveness from the Father, He doesn't keep throwing things back in our faces. He forgives and moves on. We, on the other hand, will dig up old crap and rub our own faces in it, and our enemies will do the same to us, every chance they get.

This is a perfect example of why even saved people still need to hear the gospel, that we are forgiven, that old things have passed away, and to keep those facts fresh in our mind, so that when we do sin, we know we have an advocate with the Father and forgiveness is ours for the mere asking.

Ask for forgiveness. Know that you are forgiven, and quit bringing it up in your head as if you are still guilty of it. Also, stay on guard against other people who might try to manipulate you in the same manner in the future.

 

[Jason Sanders]

There is nothing wrong with you leaving that Church-if they were trying to make you act as if you were manifesting or slain in the spirit then they were the ones at fault, not you. And as far as faking your experiences is concerned, like everyone else has said; God can and will forgive you for what you did, especially if it was done through manipulation.

Also, don't let that church color your views on Charismatic churches- they aren't all like that, and you should, at the very least, give a different one a chance to show you what it really means to be "Charismatc".

 

[Kenny'sID]

I have little doubt the demons weren't so much within you, as they were that church.

What you describe is a cult...someone trying to control you and someone needs to get in there, see exactly what's going on for themselves and have a nice long chat with the Pastor. Tell me, is this a small town, way out of the way, small church?

Glad you're out of there.

 

[geetrue]

Your on the right road to serving God in Jesus name ... don't let that controlling spirit control you anymore with guilt.

Life in the body of Christ is not about what you feel ... Oswald Chambers said, "Don't let any experience or emotion come between you and your Lord Jesus Christ"

Stay in the Word so that all your pastor has to do is top you off on Sunday. His job is to feed the sheep, feed the lambs of God. Although I do see one thing you need ... you need a break through in your walk with Him.

Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened ... then the scripture repeats itself to make sure that you understand that anyone who asks shall receive and anyone that seeks shall find and anyone that knocks the door shall be opened.

Your post asking for help has opened the door ... let us know how it turns out.

I'll give you one bit of advice that my pastor gave me when I told him my testimony about the demonic world and how it had invaded my life. He said, "I don't know what to tell you, except be humble"

Being humble just means enjoy doing things the Lords way.

 

[Nisa]

Thanks so much everyone for your answers. I don't know why I am reacting this way, but I am really having a hard time now because of this. It's like a mental torment, thinking at the past, at how I went in the last years with fear and anxiety at church, at the constant struggle to appear that I am well so I would not be rejected or just set aside. And also at the way they were praying for me. I know now I might be exaggerating and this may be even normal in churches (I didn't go to any other church than mine and the ones we were affiliated to;not that we were not allowed but I was so into my church...) but right now I panic if someons puts his hands on me because I just remember how the pastor used to push his hands on my head and move me back&forth as he was calling the annointing over me. I wanted to leave several times the church; the pastor didn't prohibit me to leave but told me that he thinks I am called to be in this church and I was afraid to go because I was thinking I will miss on my destiny if I am in another congregation. The saddest part is that I know people know who are going in the world because they were so done with being controlled(even though I never felt overly controlled) that they just don't want to hear about any church.

IDK, I don't want to dramatize and to make things look bad;there are people there who told me they feel so free and that is so much better than in other churches and maybe I am the one who misinterpreted things. I just want to stop being tormented by the memories I have, by the fear that I am wrong and that I might lose gradually my salvation because if I am in another church my fire will burn off and little by little I will be lost (I know this sounds stupid and I have no clue why am I thinking this way....)

@Kenny'sID it is a pretty small church of young people.

 

[Kenny'sID]

And also at the way they were praying for me.

You picked up on what is likely a huge red flag there. I believe the way they were praying for you was a means of control, but I'll leave that to someone a bit more knowledgeable on psychiatry than myself.

@Kenny'sID it is a pretty small church of young people.

As long as a churches numbers are small, there is a better chance no one will get in there and stir things up with the truth, if the truth is not in them. It's just a matter of odds.

I just want to stop being tormented by the memories I have, by the fear that I am wrong and that I might lose gradually my salvation because if I am in another church my fire will burn off and little by little I will be lost

I'm thinking your fire will now be able to burn to it's full potential, instead of being snuffed out by the likes of something that, at the very least, wasn't quite right.

 

[FoundInGrace]

From what you have said about your old church it was quite a spiritually abusive environment - I'm not saying the leaders were doing that deliberately but the outcome was spiritually and emotionally harmful. So it is perfectly normal to feel the way you are. You will not lose your salvation, destiny or fire for God simply by leaving their church - that is a wrong pressure used by them probably without them realising to make people stay - by contrast healthy churches realise people are often called to different churches and places by God and don't expect everyone to stay in one place but support them if God is calling them to another place or ministry.

It will take time to heal from the traumatic things that happened to you there. Allow yourself that time, be kind to yourself - and its okay to say to people you dont want them to lay hands on you to pray for you. What the pastor did moving you back and forwards waiting for an 'anointing'of some kind - that was wrong. That pastor shouldnt have done that - no wonder you now have that reaction now and with good reason. I'm so sorry that wrong stuff has happened to you. It takes time to heal from, being in a normal down to earth church will help. I also want to say if you feel you need to get up and walk away from church situations that trigger really bad feelings or emotional feelings in this time you are healing and working through things that's okay to do that.
I also want to say it is not you misinterpreting, I think you see there's something wrong in that church - and there is, from what you've described there definitely is some unhealthy aspects to it that you and others are better to be away from.

I have a couple of books that helped me when I was trying to make sense of some stuff similar to what you have described that happened to me and others in a church some years back. I'll try and find the titles for you.
Hang in there

 

[Geralt]

what you have experienced has been the experience of many already. christian growth does not happen overnight and takes a lifetime. so consider your experiences as stepping stones towards maturity in christ. such (bad) things happen. if you feel or think something is not right, stop. ask questions, then move on. always go back to scripture, ask questions and challenge opinions. lots of fakers out there. scripture is the one that BINDS our conscience, not the words of people claiming authority and the rituals/shows of spirituality that goes with it.

 

[geetrue]

I pray this helps:https://utmost.org/
Oswald Chambers
Sometimes you will think He is an unkind friend, but remember He is not; the time will come when everything will be explained.

 

[follicallychalnged]

The fact that you recognized this church was shall we say weighed in the balance of your mind therein found wanting of the truth of Christ is a testament to your own intellect . God has need of it . As the saying goes gird up thy loins and go fourth from there . Find a bible teaching church free of all that poo foo . Put your brain to work for God there . I was raised in a backwoods Pentecostal church until I was 16 . Never once could they pull the wool over my eyes even as a child . I Know your pain in some ways .

 

[FoundInGrace]

One of the books that helped me was 'The Subtle power of Spiritual abuse'.

 

[Blade]

Just love them and forgive them. Jesus said I am He and they fell backwards to the ground. What you will find in every Church is most and this is 95% or even all will fall. Not by the power of God but its just the thing everyone does. I had it happen when the preacher said.. anyone here want to experances the power of God? I was young just got back from this place for taking a motorcycle that..well was not mine. So I thought.. sure if God is real. I got up there his back was to me. He turned and placed ONE FINGER on my forehead. I open my eyes and I am on the ground on my back..what? How did this happen? I start to get up something hits my feet shoots into my chest ..WOW WOW WOW AWESOME!

Now I did try to go back as many times as I could to have it happen again lol.. nope. But most fall by their power not Gods. And like I said.. just forgive them. Yet there are times we do things say things get around things we do not pray about do not seek God we listen to music that is NOT Gospel and think it means nothing. But dont ever take it as if YOU are evil or YOU are bad. I use to go up every Sunday EVERY Sunday because I new how evil I was.. a woman came up to me one Sunday crying.. for me. Because of how much satan has been lying to me.

If your in a new Chruch PRAISE GOD! Hard for me to really answer all. There is NOTHING your Father can not do! And wow all the things He did do.. though Christ ..duh for YOU! WOW you are SO BLESSED!

 

[unfinishedclay]

Leaders in this type of controlling environment are no strangers to many of us. Beware of churches that place a light or erroneous focus on the Word of God but more focus on experience. (And manifestations are wonderful. Those experiences of miracles, signs, and wonders are to accompany the preaching of the Word not operate independently of It.)

Examine your own question - "Am I Evil?" - while taking this into consideration: As a believer, we are to always examine our lives and our faith by the Words of our Lord. When examining yourself, you can include in your private devotion John 15:1-6, II Corinthians 3:18, II Corinthians 5, II Corinthians 13, I John, and Matthew 4:4. We're always to examine our own walk - not in condemnation but to grow in Christ daily and see where we are to grow, repent, and surrender (taking up our cross to follow Jesus daily). Doing this as a believer, your question can transform from "Am I evil?" to "Am I growing?" And when you measure that question on the shoulders of the Word, the solution is right there at hand. That's the beauty of going humbly before the Lord in repentance and surrender. He constantly purges His children (perfecting us) as explained in John 15:1-7.

Under immature and superficial leadership like what you've experienced in the first church, members are often forced or manipulated into examining themselves as godly or evil by how they submit to leadership. Even though we are definitely to submit to leadership, we have every right to raise our hands to question practices that don't seem to line up with the Word or conviction of our hearts. Leadership that is secure in their own faith, will GLADY give you Scriptural explanation as well as embrace you in your interest with continued teaching you of the Word. Typically this doesn't happen under that type of leadership. The members' regard for them as leaders becomes the scale on which they will measure their members' walk. Run like the wind from places like that. We are free to live for Christ.

 

[KawaiiChristianGal]

Not all issues are "demonic" but I will say this in every instance that someone was deemed insane in the Bible it WAS due to demonic oppression/possession, again this is not to say that today every issues = demon but 9 times out of 10 it is demonic, but there are some instances where everyday stresses are the culprit, msg that we eat, brain damage, etc etc.

Don't think that all Charismatic Churches are like this, also you do not have to go to a Church right now if you are not comfortable, why don't you take some time for just you and God? I am Oneness mixed with WoF and even I do not have a Church to call my own yet, I have been hurt by many Churches to so I know how you feel, and I know how easy it is to lose hope or to feel like they are all the same but don't feel that way, as long as you have Jesus you have HOPE.

 

[7trees]

It is good you left the first church. Mix with Christians who are kind, that like you and that obey the bible- as opposed to the super-spiritual that are full of loud noise and wind.

 

[Sabertooth]

I don't know your particulars, but here are some considerations.

Having demons doesn't mean that you are evil, per se. It just means that you (or your ancestors) have had spiritually unclean encounters. Being willfully evil just makes those happen more deliberately.

Redeemed Christians who love God and have the best intentions can still pick up spirits under the most innocent, if ignorant, set of circumstances, such as having your fortune read or holding unforgiveness. Some of those in our family lines may take a while to come to the surface. It really isn't a question of being good or being evil* (once you are saved). Consider demons as spiritual germs. It's better to avoid [germy] things when you can. Deliverance is just how to wash them off when you didn't avoid them. No condo, no bondo!

Good deliverance workers will often help you figure out where that's happening, if you have the same spirits returning again and again.

*They can even get in when you're an innocent victim of a crime, like rape or incest, just like you can get STDs from such encounters. Personal guilt isn't automatically implied.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

You need to get back to the basics of your faith. Are you saved? Did you accept Jesus as your Saviour? Great. Get to grips with the truths of that first to confirm your standing with God in Christ. Know that all your sins, past present and future are all forgiven and buried in God's deepest sea of His forgetfulness. You can stand before God without any fear, sin consciousness or sense of inferiority. God is not the church. Your faith is in Christ and His finished work on Calvary, not in the teachings of that church.

The next thing. Are you baptised in the Spirit? Do you speak in tongues? That is the evidence of it. Use your prayer language to fellowship with God so the Spirit can build you up in the faith. The gifts of the Spirit will come through you as He directs. Don't try and make them happen. As you fellowship with Jesus in the Spirit, He will lead you in the way He wants. I would advise you to take time off from going to church and spend time fellowshiping with Christ in prayer and in His Word. That is the way to get some of the negative teachings of that church out of your system and to give you time out to see how far away that church is from Christ.

Falling over in the Spirit can happen, but most people fall over in the flesh because they think it is the spiritual thing to do. If you are unsure. Don't do it and don't let anyone else do it to you. If someone lays hands on you and you sense they are trying to push you off balance, take his hands off you and say in a loud voice, "Stop it in the Name of Jesus!" That way you stop a person operating in the flesh or even inspired by a demon to push you off balance and give you something that is not of God.

I would guess that your depression and confusion has come from the wrong people laying hands on you. They have transmitted a demon of depression and confusion on you. What you need to do is to get by yourself and tell that demon of depression and confusion to get away from you in the Name and through the blood of Jesus. Say it in a loud voice, and you will be amazed how quickly that depression and confusion will lift off from you. And in future, don't let anyone lay hands on you. I don't allow anyone to lay hands on my head. You can pray for yourself. You don't need someone to lay hands on you for anything else other than physical healing. If you don't need healing, you don't need the laying on of hands. For blessing and ministry from the Lord, you can get that in your private prayer time. If you see a preacher or pastor pushing people over and teaching doctrines that you don't see in God's Word, then for goodness sake don't let them come near you, minister to you or lay hands on you! They are more likely to give you a demon than anything else.

Jesus said to come to Him if you are labouring with sin consciousness, tiredness, depression or confusion, and He will give you rest. Jesus is your strength and shield. Get with Him. Fast and pray if necessary. Pray in tongues until you get the victory in your soul. God is a good God. He will come to your assistance and set you back on your feet. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and He will guide your steps.

 

[Nisa]

Wow,I can't believe that so much time has passed and I am still struggling. I went for some time to a Calvary Chapel but I don't go anymore. I am so afraid of being part again of a protestant church.

I am very dissapointed of me because it is clearly my fault I am still struggling. I do have good weeks when I am well, I am able to pray, praise and worship-as I used to do,pray in tongues without fear but then...I meet somebody from my old church, I have a dream or a quick thought of something bad which happened there which passes through my mind (I noticed these are mainly about people praying for me, putting their both hands on my head and really trying to deliver me or just pray for me with a lot of zeal) and then I fall in this semi-depressive state, I tend to cry, to isolate myself, I am very confused about everything, I don't want to listen to the worship songs I used to like, I am afraid of getting into a church and just seeing people dancing for the Lord or praying fervently-I know both are great-and I get sort of panic attacks remembering things and also feeling very guilty because I let myself to fall in this state.

I don't know what is wrong with me-I wrote to the leaders of that church asking for forgiveness, telling them I am not rebelling, I repented, prayed for this and forgave people for specific things-but still I have those periods of time where I am just wrecked and have no clue what to do. I suppose this is because I walk in the flesh? Thoughts just bombard my head-about what happened, about how sinful I am, how I am never going to change, about what a failure I am because for 10 years I claim to walk with God and it seems I still can't obey Him as I should and walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh...

Anyway...tomorrow is Monday, going to work always helps me because it forces me to concentrate at what I have to do, but I know that another trigger will come sooner or later. I just hate being so weak, so whinny and that I can't slap myself and wake up to reality and just let go things, maybe? I don't know...