Am I a Sinner For Wanting to Divorce for This?

[Solanus]

Let me start off my saying thank you for any input and feel free to tell me as it is I'm not one to shy away from the truth. Here is my situation:

I'm a young male and I thought I was marrying for the right reasons. She was a strong Christian, smart, liked to do the things I do, and a good person. Me, I have made plenty of mistakes in my life but I would like to think of myself as someone who typically tries to do the right thing by what Christ would recommend even if I fail a lot and must pray for forgiveness.

Well it turned out that getting married quickly to avoid sexual impurity was a bad idea. She doesn't like to do the things I do, she has a very bad temper and downright insults me often, wanting to have sex feels like I'm asking her for a million dollars sometimes, and she just has no consideration about how I feel about things such as how to raise a child it's always "this is what's going to happen".

And I'm no soft guy who can't be a man. I put my foot down quite often and just about every time it leads to insane arguments where she just becomes an empty shell that literally says nothing to me until he gets her way.

And again, I'm no saint I struggle every day as a Christian. But my question is am I wrong for wanting a divorce if I make her aware of all of this many times, request for us to get counseling that she claims she does not need, and honestly concerned about my sanity? This is not even about divorcing her to go marry someone else I just want to know is it right to live life this? Or is this God testing my resolve by giving me the ultimate irony in life. I come from a family where my dad was a terrible father and I have always sought to be a great father and husband. And now it's like my wife is my dad.

 

[jimmyjimmy]

Let me start off my saying thank you for any input and feel free to tell me as it is I'm not one to shy away from the truth. Here is my situation:

I'm a young male and I thought I was marrying for the right reasons. She was a strong Christian, smart, liked to do the things I do, and a good person. Me, I have made plenty of mistakes in my life but I would like to think of myself as someone who typically tries to do the right thing by what Christ would recommend even if I fail a lot and must pray for forgiveness.

Well it turned out that getting married quickly to avoid sexual impurity was a bad idea. She doesn't like to do the things I do, she has a very bad temper and downright insults me often, wanting to have sex feels like I'm asking her for a million dollars sometimes, and she just has no consideration about how I feel about things such as how to raise a child it's always "this is what's going to happen".

And I'm no soft guy who can't be a man. I put my foot down quite often and just about every time it leads to insane arguments where she just becomes an empty shell that literally says nothing to me until he gets her way.

And again, I'm no saint I struggle every day as a Christian. But my question is am I wrong for wanting a divorce if I make her aware of all of this many times, request for us to get counseling that she claims she does not need, and honestly concerned about my sanity? This is not even about divorcing her to go marry someone else I just want to know is it right to live life this? Or is this God testing my resolve by giving me the ultimate irony in life. I come from a family where my dad was a terrible father and I have always sought to be a great father and husband. And now it's like my wife is my dad.

Do you have children?

 

[Solanus]

And second question, would be separating and not divorcing me the same thing? I'm honestly over marriage, I'm not sure I would ever do it again given the chance. I would be just as happy focusing my life on God and being his tool in the community. If I stay in this situation I pretty much have to accept being submissive to my wife and doing everything she says. Or continue to constantly live my life trying to avoid arguments with her.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well me ask you some questions. How old are you both? How long did you date? How long have you been married? Do you have kids? All these answers will make a difference in my answers.

Well it turned out that getting married quickly to avoid sexual impurity was a bad idea.

Totally bad idea. Especially if your younger. People rush into love and rush into marriage without realizing you REALLY need time to get to know each other. Friends can know each other for years, but no one truly knows the other unless they practically live together. Not that two unmarried people should live together of course.

Before my wife and I married we made sure to ask lots of question. Including about sex. Who does what in the house....etc.

She doesn't like to do the things I do, she has a very bad temper and downright insults me often, wanting to have sex feels like I'm asking her for a million dollars sometimes, and she just has no consideration about how.

She does need to realize sex plays a role in marriage. I'd keep talking to her about what a marriage is about. I'd tell her "If you are right and feel what your doing to me is normal, then lets go to counseling. If your really right then you won't have to worry about what is said then." Next step is do you both go to church? If so talk to you pastor alone and tell him whats going on. Tell him you need an intervention with your wife because she thinks she doesn't need counseling.

Though obviously remember there may be issues on your side that will be talked about. Marriage is about accepting your differences. Though I believe in some cases trying to change something is important. Such as if someone likes to spend ALOT of money without saving.

Does she maybe have sex issues in regards to maybe it hurts her? Or maybe she was abused as a child sexually and its why she doesn't like it. You want to make sure its not something like that first. Does she even enjoy the sex or is it just a chore? That would be super frustrating. Sex should be deep and connecting for you both.

she just has no consideration about how I feel about things such as how to raise a child it's always "this is what's going to happen".

Thats going to be a big issue if you want kids/if you do have them. Everyone wants to parent a certain way. You have to come to some sort of compromise. Again these are things my wife and I talked about before marriage.

I put my foot down quite often and just about every time it leads to insane arguments where she just becomes an empty shell that literally says nothing to me until he gets her way.

Ugh. The hardest thing for men is a woman who does the silent treatment. Again assuming shes younger, she needs to realize silent treatment is immature and not what a mature woman does in a marriage. Its what little kids do. Marriage means communication. Without that it will fall apart fast.

But my question is am I wrong for wanting a divorce

Yes. See below....

And second question, would be separating and not divorcing me the same thing?

Divorcing is literally leaving the marriage legally. Which is not allowed in this situation (or at all honestly, but thats just my view). Separation, at least how I think about it is where you are still married but like move out. This is what I tell most people to do where the situation isn't being solved. This way it gives the other person time to think. They will either realize they need to fix the marriage or they will divorce you. Obviously you should try to work things out, but if she wants to divroce because you left, then theres not much you can do.

If I stay in this situation I pretty much have to accept being submissive to my wife and doing everything she says. Or continue to constantly live my life trying to avoid arguments with her.

In general you will always have disagreements when married. Its just part of marriage. But when a husband submits to wife on pretty much everything, then theres an issue. The joke is men just say "Yes dear" to their wives. But sadly its more common then people think and not a joke. Marriage is about give and take. Sometimes you give up your position, sometimes the other person does. Or you agree to disagree. Whatever the case one person shouldn't always be the "right one".

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

She was a strong Christian, smart, liked to do the things I do, and a good person.

what about her made you believe she was a "strong Christian" and a good person?

the short answer to your question is 'no'. marital dissatisfaction is not biblical grounds for divorce.

 

[Beloved Pure]

I hope plenty of married men answer your post they are the best qualified for this.

I can only give some advice from a young woman's perspective.

It is incredibly hard sometimes to take instruction from a friend and I imagine harder again from a friend turned husband. Be gentle, make an effort to make the environment as less stressful as possible even if that means giving her space, but make it clear that this will need to be talked about eventually limbo is not ideal. and not last thing in the day when everyone is tired. Take a weekend over it to start the dialogue process.

Even better take some time to both write down exactly how you feel right now, what your expectations of the marriage were, how they seem to be different now and ways you could both make each other happier. Sometimes the voice is too harsh, reading can be less imediately offensive. Ask her if she is worried/afraid of somehing and if you can help offer to pray over it.

Pray together, read the Bible together, she needs to know that submitting to your husband is not a negative thing, despite the world and feminism telling us we have rights to our own bodies, it is a wonderful thing when you trust each other and are committed to each other with the best in mind for each other and not power play.

You are the family's spiritual leader, Christ is in you as the head of the family she needs to see that in you to give you the respect and love you deserve at the same time she needs to feel your love and respect for her.

You are not the first couple to do that so take comfort in not being alone. Divorce is a serious thing and God throughout Scripture makes his opinion of it clear. When you married you ceased to exist as two individuals you became one for better or worse until you are parted by death (earthly by one becoming an unbeliever and physically well by death). All marriages have bad stages you have to weather out. The evil one likes to attack wives and children - the heart of the family seems like he is on the edge of this. Move quickly to avoid destruction.

If you mutually decide to get a divorce it is unfortunate but it happens it must be on the grounds of adultery or that one of you has rejected Christ and no longer believes so it is like they are dead anyway. If there are no children involved that is a blessing. Really think about the consequences of that especially for her she stands to lose more explain that to her gently.

Are you aware of her friends and the kind of people they are, what influences they have on her or what she reads? Some of the resistance might be in that field and it will be hard to work on reuniting with that still in the way. What was her father like take that into consideration also.

Let me start off my saying thank you for any input and feel free to tell me as it is I'm not one to shy away from the truth. Here is my situation:

I'm a young male and I thought I was marrying for the right reasons. She was a strong Christian, smart, liked to do the things I do, and a good person. Me, I have made plenty of mistakes in my life but I would like to think of myself as someone who typically tries to do the right thing by what Christ would recommend even if I fail a lot and must pray for forgiveness.

Well it turned out that getting married quickly to avoid sexual impurity was a bad idea. She doesn't like to do the things I do, she has a very bad temper and downright insults me often, wanting to have sex feels like I'm asking her for a million dollars sometimes, and she just has no consideration about how I feel about things such as how to raise a child it's always "this is what's going to happen".

And I'm no soft guy who can't be a man. I put my foot down quite often and just about every time it leads to insane arguments where she just becomes an empty shell that literally says nothing to me until he gets her way.

And again, I'm no saint I struggle every day as a Christian. But my question is am I wrong for wanting a divorce if I make her aware of all of this many times, request for us to get counseling that she claims she does not need, and honestly concerned about my sanity? This is not even about divorcing her to go marry someone else I just want to know is it right to live life this? Or is this God testing my resolve by giving me the ultimate irony in life. I come from a family where my dad was a terrible father and I have always sought to be a great father and husband. And now it's like my wife is my dad.

 

[Handmaid for Jesus]

No you are not a sinner for wanting a divorce. You were born a sinner. If Jesus is your Lord and Savior, you are forgiven and you are a new creature in Christ.
Matt. 19:29 And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.

Proverbs 21:9
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

Proverbs 25:24
It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.

1 Cor. 7 .

 

[Beloved Pure]

Agreed.

Proverbs are widsom that is only generally true and cannot be taken as promises that work in every situation.
I think in that case it means unbelieving wives and children?

Yes! 1 Cor 7 very good advice.
Have either of you fasted and prayed recently?
I think fasting is neglected a lot these days sadly.

No you are not a sinner for wanting a divorce. You were born a sinner. If Jesus is your Lord and Savior, you are forgiven and you are a new creature in Christ.
Matt. 19:29 And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.

Proverbs 21:9
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

Proverbs 25:24
It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.

1 Cor. 7 .

 

[Winken]

I hope plenty of married men answer your post they are the best qualified for this.

I can only give some advice from a young woman's perspective.

It is incredibly hard sometimes to take instruction from a friend and I imagine harder again from a friend turned husband. Be gentle, make an effort to make the environment as less stressful as possible even if that means giving her space, but make it clear that this will need to be talked about eventually limbo is not ideal. and not last thing in the day when everyone is tired. Take a weekend over it to start the dialogue process.

Even better take some time to both write down exactly how you feel right now, what your expectations of the marriage were, how they seem to be different now and ways you could both make each other happier. Sometimes the voice is too harsh, reading can be less imediately offensive. Ask her if she is worried/afraid of somehing and if you can help offer to pray over it.

Pray together, read the Bible together, she needs to know that submitting to your husband is not a negative thing, despite the world and feminism telling us we have rights to our own bodies, it is a wonderful thing when you trust each other and are committed to each other with the best in mind for each other and not power play.

You are the family's spiritual leader, Christ is in you as the head of the family she needs to see that in you to give you the respect and love you deserve at the same time she needs to feel your love and respect for her.

You are not the first couple to do that so take comfort in not being alone. Divorce is a serious thing and God throughout Scripture makes his opinion of it clear. When you married you ceased to exist as two individuals you became one for better or worse until you are parted by death (earthly by one becoming an unbeliever and physically well by death). All marriages have bad stages you have to weather out. The evil one likes to attack wives and children - the heart of the family seems like he is on the edge of this. Move quickly to avoid destruction.

If you mutually decide to get a divorce it is unfortunate but it happens it must be on the grounds of adultery or that one of you has rehected Christ and no longer believes so it is like they are dead anyway. If there are no children involved that is a blessing. Really think about the consequences of that especially for her she stands to lose more explain that to her gently.

Are you aware of her friends and the kind of people they are, what influences they have on her or what she reads? Some of the resistance might be in that field and it will be hard to work on reuniting with that still in the way. What was her father like take that into consideration also.

Profound presentation. Worthy of being handed out or emailed to everyone considering divorce. God bless you abundantly!!

 

[Beloved Pure]

I am humbled I do not know what to say!

Thank you and God bless.

Profound presentation. Worthy of being handed out or emailed to everyone considering divorce. God bless you abundantly!!

 

[Solanus]

Do you have children?

No I don't.

 

[Beloved Pure]

Did you discuss this before marriage?
Has her stance changed since then?

 

[Solanus]

And thank you everyone I will reply reading through all the responses.

 

[Solanus]

Did you discuss this before marriage?
Has her stance changed since then?

Yes, we went through your typically church Christian counseling. Scriptures, lessons on handling issues, going to elder couples for council, the man's role, the woman's role, etc. However, after marriage happened she decided that was too much to handle and she would not be being herself if she was not a strong willed woman. And I'm actually still patient on that because I love her. I don't want to divorce to be honest, but I don't want to go 20 years instead of just giving her a few years to see if the both of us, not just her can resolve our issues.

The biggest problem that you can see even with such limited information is I'm the only one who feels there a problem...And that's on me because I often do cave just to her when I get tired of arguing.

 

[chevyontheriver]

But my question is am I wrong for wanting a divorce if I make her aware of all of this many times, request for us to get counseling that she claims she does not need, and honestly concerned about my sanity?

You're in a hard spot. Here's what the Catholic 'Code of Canon Law' says about it:

Can. 1151 Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them.

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.
§2. In all cases, when the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored unless ecclesiastical authority has established otherwise.

A 'legitimate cause' is something huge like adultery or violence. Not just a moderate difficulty. In an emergency, you can separate on your own, but for any non-emergency separation you need permission from your bishop. Not that anyone ever bothers to get that permission, but that's what canon law actually says. In your case, you should be talking with your pastor before things progress any further. My hunch is you do not have legitimate cause, but your pastor gets to figure that out with a whole lot more information than you have provided here.

None of this is an allowance for a divorce, or for remarriage. It's just a separation, which must be temporary unless the Church allows it to go on longer for some serious reason like continued violence.

Now there might be some reason the marriage can be considered defective from the very beginning, invalid, and thus a marriage in name only. That DOES happen. Situations where one spouse hid certain facts, or one or both spouses were too fundamentally immature to understand what they were actually getting in to. But not all troubled marriages were invalid from the start. Those that are, where the binding consent you gave was flawed, can be annulled. Otherwise not. Otherwise they are opportunities for us to grow, even if it is painful. But that is something your pastor would need to look at with you.

I'm going to recommend Retrouvaille, a weekend program of communication and reconciliation that might be difficult but ultimately save your marriage. retrouvaille.org

Your job in marriage is to get your wife to heaven. Her job is to get you to heaven. Both of you should be getting your children to heaven. Easier said than done. It can be hard and frustrating. And you have some unenviable problems, the biggest being that your spouse sees no need for a joint counseling. Do contact your pastor and check out Retrouvaille.

 

[chevyontheriver]

Let me start off my saying thank you for any input and feel free to tell me as it is I'm not one to shy away from the truth. Here is my situation:

Oh, and let me add, there is no sin in wondering about this.

 

[Beloved Pure]

That must be very hard. You both went into a commitment and now she is not supporting you.

There is nothing wrong in being a strong independent person she does not have to squash herself into a role Jesus gave us freedom not slavery.

It sounds like she needs some emcouragement that she can be who God wants her to but yes a necessary sacrifice and collaboration on both of your parts are now a priority instead of selfishness. You are one body now what hurts one hurts the other. She needs to know that you see her as an equal not a subordinate you belong to each other she does not need to fear losing herself. God does not care if you are a career woman or a home-maker what He cares about is that you remain faithful and use your talents.

I know you said you are not a soft spot and that is good. You need to remain strong and the leader. Women challenge it unless they know the husband has her back and her his, united front that needs to be obtained and undoubted before children come.

She will soon tire of the silent treatment because this environment cannot last. When she does, be gentle and patient not angry or judgemental.

In regards to sex I cannot really advise but I know that a woman is supposed to submit when her husband wants to because it is a Holy union and it is the husbands reward. That does not mean it is all about him the wife needs to enjoy it and feel appreciated too. Take it back a few steps if necessary if you are already abstaining then let her know you respect that and recapture your joy of kissing, touching and hugging without sex for a time. If you have not abstained since marriage suggest it there are other ways of sharing in each other maybe she feels used and abused too much expectation to reproduce I do not know where you stand on birth control. This may seem ridiculous but women are more emotionally effected by sex than men so you have to allow for that it is not a discredit to her it is a different gift from God.

Let her know that the only expectations she needs to worry about are God's what people in and out of church think of her or your marriage is irrelevant. Tell her to lighten up on herself too.

Stay strong.
Let her have space.
Keep praying.

Yes, we went through your typically church Christian counseling. Scriptures, lessons on handling issues, going to elder couples for council, the man's role, the woman's role, etc. However, after marriage happened she decided that was too much to handle and she would not be being herself if she was not a strong willed woman. And I'm actually still patient on that because I love her. I don't want to divorce to be honest, but I don't want to go 20 years instead of just giving her a few years to see if the both of us, not just her can resolve our issues.

The biggest problem that you can see even with such limited information is I'm the only one who feels there a problem...And that's on me because I often do cave just to her when I get tired of arguing.

 

[Solanus]

Well me ask you some questions. How old are you both? How long did you date? How long have you been married? Do you have kids? All these answers will make a difference in my answers.

Oh, boy you will laugh at this. Less than a year. It sounds crazy looking back a it now.

Totally bad idea. Especially if your younger. People rush into love and rush into marriage without realizing you REALLY need time to get to know each other. Friends can know each other for years, but no one truly knows the other unless they practically live together. Not that two unmarried people should live together of course.

Yeah, I have always been of the opinion you should shack up as they say. But our marriage counselors made sure to advise us don't even put yourself in that position. And going through exercises in books can only take you so far. My advice to anyone reading this would now be to give it time, people are not lying when they say you can't get to know someone until you live with them good or bad. I'm sure that I do things that annoy her, haha guilty of the toilet seat.

Before my wife and I married we made sure to ask lots of question. Including about sex. Who does what in the house....etc.

Well, we did that's one of my big frustrations. Literally the day we got married her stance completely changed into us having sex into "do you want to have sex". I will not be dishonest, there are flashes when I may do something really nice for her and we have passion but again...It's like I have to go above and beyond to not feel like I'm just using my wife for her holes. Her, explanation to me is that she is too busy with work which does hold some truth but that is another topic lol....

She does need to realize sex plays a role in marriage. I'd keep talking to her about what a marriage is about. I'd tell her "If you are right and feel what your doing to me is normal, then lets go to counseling. If your really right then you won't have to worry about what is said then." Next step is do you both go to church? If so talk to you pastor alone and tell him whats going on. Tell him you need an intervention with your wife because she thinks she doesn't need counseling.

Yes, we go to church 2-3 times a week. And I have tried that before, it didn't work out very well.

Though obviously remember there may be issues on your side that will be talked about. Marriage is about accepting your differences. Though I believe in some cases trying to change something is important. Such as if someone likes to spend ALOT of money without saving.

Does she maybe have sex issues in regards to maybe it hurts her? Or maybe she was abused as a child sexually and its why she doesn't like it. You want to make sure its not something like that first. Does she even enjoy the sex or is it just a chore? That would be super frustrating. Sex should be deep and connecting for you both.

Well, part of the reasons is our careers. But she has made it clear she will not give her career up for marriage. And I have always been okay with that. The only request I have ever had has been is when we are not working let's make time for us.

Thats going to be a big issue if you want kids/if you do have them. Everyone wants to parent a certain way. You have to come to some sort of compromise. Again these are things my wife and I talked about before marriage.

Well, yeah that's what frightens me the most about all of this. She has her whole plan which I hardly agree with at all and have told her many times because it's like raising a slave that has all the choices predetermined. Where I'm more of the I want my kid to be a Christian, healthy, and make his own decisions.

Ugh. The hardest thing for men is a woman who does the silent treatment. Again assuming shes younger, she needs to realize silent treatment is immature and not what a mature woman does in a marriage. Its what little kids do. Marriage means communication. Without that it will fall apart fast.

Well, again I'm not going to place the blame only on her. I'm part of this and it's my fault also that happened before marriage and I let myself think I was the problem and I need to fix myself just about every time. But now, I'm having to live with the decisions I have made and she knows that gets me because I'm naturally the type that would never argue if I could.

In general you will always have disagreements when married. Its just part of marriage. But when a husband submits to wife on pretty much everything, then theres an issue. The joke is men just say "Yes dear" to their wives. But sadly its more common then people think and not a joke. Marriage is about give and take. Sometimes you give up your position, sometimes the other person does. Or you agree to disagree. Whatever the case one person shouldn't always be the "right one".

This is one area I struggle the most in all of this. Scripture tells us we should focus on the father before all us. Scripture tells us the roles of marriage and for a good reason. Surviving each day of marriage has become my focus and I honestly feel like I'm constantly battling to be the leader. It's like it's literally the opposite of what a marriage is supposed to be and why I'm questing if this is right or not. I do not want to divorce, I want us to fix our issues and be the couple I know we can be. But I'm the only one who wants this and it's very frustrating. She can't put our marriage before her desire to be in control.

 

[Solanus]

That must be very hard. You both went into a commitment and now she is not supporting you.

There is nothing wrong in being a strong independent person she does not have to squash herself into a role Jesus gave us freedom not slavery.

It sounds like she needs some emcouragement that she can be who God wants her to but yes a necessary sacrifice and collaboration on both of your parts are now a priority instead of selfishness. You are one body now what hurts one hurts the other. She needs to know that you see her as an equal not a subordinate you belong to each other she does not need to fear losing herself. God does not care if you are a career woman or a home-maker what He cares about is that you remain faithful and use your talents.

I know you said you are not a soft spot and that is good. You need to remain strong and the leader. Women challenge it unless they know the husband has her back and her his, united front that needs to be obtained and undoubted before children come.

She will soon tire of the silent treatment because this environment cannot last. When she does, be gentle and patient not angry or judgemental.

In regards to sex I cannot really advise but I know that a woman is supposed to submit when her husband wants to because it is a Holy union and it is the husbands reward. That does not mean it is all about him the wife needs to enjoy it and feel appreciated too. Take it back a few steps if necessary if you are already abstaining then let her know you respect that and recapture your joy of kissing, touching and hugging without sex for a time. If you have not abstained since marriage suggest it there are other ways of sharing in each other maybe she feels used and abused too much expectation to reproduce I do not know where you stand on birth control. This may seem ridiculous but women are more emotionally effected by sex than men so you have to allow for that it is not a discredit to her it is a different gift from God.

Let her know that the only expectations she needs to worry about are God's what people in and out of church think of her or your marriage is irrelevant. Tell her to lighten up on herself too.

Stay strong.
Let her have space.
Keep praying.

Thank you I really appreciate this, because I literally have not been able to talk to anyone about this much. And I want you all to know I love my wife and will fight for until the very last minute. I just honestly don't know what to do....I'm on a message board getting great advice from people I don't even know. There are good reasons she is this way and I know about that prior to us getting married. But I thought we had committed to getting past these issues and it turns out we did not. So I'm just lost right now.....does God really want me to be in this situation?

 

[jimmyjimmy]

Thank you I really appreciate this, because I literally have not been able to talk to anyone about this much. And I want you all to know I love my wife and will fight for until the very last minute. I just honestly don't know what to do....I'm on a message board getting great advice from people I don't even know. There are good reasons she is this way and I know about that prior to us getting married. But I thought we had committed to getting past these issues and it turns out we did not. So I'm just lost right now.....does God really want me to be in this situation?

I've ben through this (many years ago), and I sought help from multiple pastors and Christian counselors. They were all useless.

There is a guy who I found helpful. He wrote a book called Love & Respect. It's worth its weight in gold.