Hi All,
Firstly this has turned out rather long so I apologise and thank anyone who has the patience to read it all.
I have absolutely no idea how to really go about putting down what I want to convey so I’ll start with a basic question and then throw in some back ground , feel free to ask as many questions as you want.
So the question is as the title: “Am I Christian?”
Some background: As a kid (Around 10-12) I went to Sunday school and was in a church choir (At a method church in case it matters) although I have no idea how that came about or why it stopped as to the best of my memory / knowledge no one in my family is religious and has never been to church apart from for funerals / weddings / Christenings (Which by the way I’m pretty sure I have been).
Fast forward the best part of 20 years: During which time I’ve never given any consideration to religion, if anyone had asked I would have said I was an Agnostic (although due to poor knowledge on the definitions I would have said Atheist at the time).
Now for whatever reason, a month ago I suddenly found myself thinking of God / Christ, I started reading the bible and saying a prayer almost every day since.
During this time I’ve asked myself daily "Do I believe in God?", "Do I believe Christ died for our sins?" Etc. And although every time when I ask myself directly like that the answer has been yes, almost without hesitation, I still find a while later I suddenly start questioning my answer “Do you really believe that? Are you sure? The answer to these always comes out as yes as well but the fact they keep coming up at all makes up uncomfortable labelling myself a Christian, as if I may be lying to myself, hence why for the moment I’ve opted for “Seeker” as my profile title.
My first question would be is, were baptized as a child? Because the answer would be pretty simple: Yes, you're a Christian.
Now from what I'm reading I see you as someone struggling with faith, believing but with doubts. Those things don't make you not a Christian. There are many who seem to imagine that faith and doubt are antithetical to one another; that if one has doubts and questions then they do not have faith. That simply isn't the case. Doubt is part of faith. Faith is not absolute empirical certainty in things, but
trust.
Martin Luther describes faith in this way: "A bold trust in God's grace." Others have put it as "radical trust in Jesus Christ". Because, for one thing, faith isn't something we have naturally--at least not the sort of faith that Christianity makes a chief issue of. Faith is a gift of God granted to us by the Holy Spirit; it's not a property of our rational mind or intellect. One can doubt, because doubt and skepticism is indeed rational; and still have faith. In the Gospels we encounter a man who says, "I do believe! Help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24). We believe and still pray that God help our unbelief. So do not let such things make you anxious.
Other thoughts on how I’ve changed recently.
Sex – I’ve always been of the mind that sex should not be a casual thing and should be reserved for someone you’re in a loving relationship with (though I would never previously have considered that only between a husband wife was necessary) but I have always been an avid user of inappropriate content / fantasy for personal sexual benefit on a daily basis. – When “this” began though my mind set completely changed, I deleted any inappropriate content I had / stopped viewing it online and stopped masturbating , though I admit I have given in to the urge a couple of times. I now even find myself averting my gaze from the TV at imes, not necessarily sex scenes, often it may only because some ones provocatively dressed, as I find myself feeling uncomfortable.
Language – Previously profanity was essentially normal language when talking with peers / colleagues (though never at home) but now I no longer feel that I need or want to use that language, though currently finding it hard to overcome 15+ years of habit entirely and they keep slipping out. Although what worries me more than direct profanity is that I keep finding myself using phrases like “For God’s sake” or “God knows” and these make me cringe the second I hear them come out of my mouth.
General – I now find that in situations that would previously have caused me to get quite stressed, that I’m remain calm a lot easier. I’m mainly thinking of situations such as being stuck in traffic or beyond a slower driver, where previously I would have cursed them out under my breath and at times driven aggressively I am now able to sit back and relax until the issue resolves itself and there examples in my work environment as well.
I would caution putting too much stock in personal morality. There is a stream of thought among some Christians (certainly not all or most) that being a Christian involves, in some sense, climbing up a ladder of personal holiness and sanctity, that our personal moral progress is a sign of our own spiritual condition; the problem with this thinking is that it causes the reverse thinking to exist: that personal moral regress is a sign of our own spiritual condition. We then place our focus on our own moral progress/regress believing it to be a sign or evidence of our standing before God--it's not. In this life we will always struggle with sin. Some days might be better than other days, but every day will be a struggle with temptation and we will, regularly falter. So one must never look to themselves or to their present moral condition as any sort of litmus test; we trust Jesus Christ and Him only as the One who, by His righteousness, grants us holiness. We will, on our own efforts, never be holy, we are only holy on Christ's account.
Focusing on our own moral standing ultimately makes us feel like spiritual yo-yos, some days we're up, some days we're down. On "good" days we may be enticed by pride to feel we have reached certain goals and accomplishments only to, the next day, be down again and then we may succumb to despair. This yo-yoing between pride and despair does choke out faith, it is utterly destructive as it wreaks havoc on us; it is psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually devastating. I say this as someone who spent much of the first 20 years of his life going through it; having days of spiritual ecstasy as I felt really close to God based on my feelings and current moral sense of self; and others absolutely wracked with guilt and despair. That's why we look to Christ, trust upon Christ.
And it would seem that you do trust in Christ, you are, therefore a Christian. If you are not part of a church, I'd recommend being part of one and talking to the pastor/priest about receiving Baptism if you were not already baptized. If you are most comfortable at a Methodist Church, given your prior experience, that sounds like a pretty good place to start.
-CryptoLutheran
