Absolutely terrified of God.

[FromTheDarknessToTheLight]

God terrifies me. I've done so many bad things in life, but really, who hasn't? People have killed, raped, molested, and ruined other peoples lives and have been forgiven by God, but I feel like God will never forgive me. Even though I understand the concept of Jesus Christ and His blood washes away sin, I can't really seem to all that well comprehend it, and use that fact to help ease my anxiety and fear of God. I have psychological disorders many delusions, and brain damage. I believe God only wants to torment me and no one else. I believe I have been abducted by aliens. I believe God is only giving me false hope through His son only to say, well you never really believed. You love evil rather than good. I would admit I suppose I do, but I want to change to avoid Hell. Not because I love God, or anything like that. It's not like I don't want to love God, but it's hard to think He has ever loved me because he allowed me to be born into a family who hurt me really bad everyday from when I was a child until I turned 6 or so. about 5 years I suffered daily physical abuse by my father, pretty much everyday. My babysitters also abused me too on a daily basis. I now have brain damage, and as a result grew up with various delusions. God has also attacked me by showing me visions of my future torment in Hell, and I firmly believe that it was He that was tormenting me. I ask why? How could I ever love you God? I don't understand! I don't even know what psychological disorders I have, I probably have OCD because I over obsess on things, and have mannerisms of sometimes putting my hand under the faucet to see if it's still running even though I know it isn't, and the stove, and very much so with Christianity. I believed for a few days that on the 20'th of March, God was going to kill me and torment me. I believe this because I got something in the mail from some Christian ministry saying my life was going to change dramatically on the 20'th of March this year, and my "dreams would could true." Probably my nightmares! I feel like many people are secretly against me, that they hate me and wish me terrible harm. I sometimes even think my own family is plotting against me, and they only act like they love me. I am absolutely miserable. I would probably take my own life if I didn't fear so much of Hell. I almost feel like everyday I'm simply existing living a pointless life of God toying with me before my earthly body dies so he can gain pleasure from my torment in Hell. Even the scripture in The Bible is pretty much saying I did something to greatly anger God and his wrath remains on me now, and forever.

Isaiah 66:4

I also will choose their delusions, and will bring their fears upon them; because when I called, none did answer; when I spake, they did not hear: but they did evil before mine eyes, and chose that in which I delighted not.
And they did evil in My sight
And chose that in which I did not delight.”

If God knows of my future damnation and knows I will never see the kingdom of heaven I truly hope that my life does end on the 20'th, even if I will be tortured. If this is true, just let it be already. I don't want to exist anymore when things look as hopeless as they do, and simply live here and be tormented by God everyday.

I try to have a relationship with Jesus, but it just doesn't seem to give me any ease of anxiety. I really do try to have a relationship with Jesus, I try really hard, but not even that gives me any ease. What am I doing wrong? What am I here for? Why do I even exist? Curse this stupidity of mine! As a result of my brain damage I don't understand or comprehend things like others do, I have come to the belief that my own stupidity will be the cause of my own damnation. Thank you God for allowing my brain damage. I do not believe God is love. I think he is a monster who loves torturing people.

 

[drich0150]

I try to have a relationship with Jesus, but it just doesn't seem to give me any ease of anxiety. I really do try to have a relationship with Jesus, I try really hard, but not even that gives me any ease. What am I doing wrong?

What does a "relationship with Jesus" look like to you??

What am I here for? Why do I even exist?

To decide where you want to spend eternity.

Curse this stupidity of mine! As a result of my brain damage I don't understand or comprehend things like others do,

This is not a curse, but a blessing. I was almost taken out of public school because i did not process things like others do.

I have come to the belief that my own stupidity will be the cause of my own damnation.

We have two commands The first is to love God with all of your Heart, Mind Spirit and strength. This means (in this case) even if you have a limited capacity to understand God and you give him all that you have, then what you have given will be good enough.

The second is to love your neighbor as yourself. If you wrote your own words down that started this thread then you have enough reasoning ability to understand these two commands.

Thank you God for allowing my brain damage.

I too also thank God for my "limitations."

I do not believe God is love. I think he is a monster who loves torturing people.

If you want a greater understanding of God all you have to do is ask.

 

[FromTheDarknessToTheLight]

You can not really be serious with that reply? Is that really the best you can do? Fair enough. Do you follow the first commandment? If so, great. I wish I could. Also, if you do, then how can I? And why am I having so much trouble obeying God's most important commandment?

 

[ChristianT]

In what ways are you struggling with that commandment?

 

[joey_downunder]

People have killed, raped, molested, and ruined other peoples lives and have been forgiven by God, but I feel like God will never forgive me.

Do you always trust your feelings? Have your feelings ever been wrong?

I have psychological disorders many delusions, and brain damage. I believe God only wants to torment me and no one else.

You do have it difficult there because of all you have gone through. Are you aware that a lot of christians have the same struggles as yourself?

I believe God is only giving me false hope through His son only to say, well you never really believed. You love evil rather than good.

Stop. If you have confessed your sins God has already forgiven you. 1 John 1:9 - ESVBible.org If you continue to be accused after you have confessed your sins that is from Satan NOT God.

Not because I love God, or anything like that. It's not like I don't want to love God, but it's hard to think He has ever loved me because he allowed me to be born into a family who hurt me really bad everyday from when I was a child until I turned 6 or so...........

Your abusers abused you not God. They will be greatly punished for their sins against you unless they have truly repented.
Other survivors of abuse like yourself struggle with the question "why me God?" You are not alone there.

God has also attacked me by showing me visions of my future torment in Hell, and I firmly believe that it was He that was tormenting me.

God is love. Those visions are from your spiritual enemy. Don't accept his lies.

I believed for a few days that on the 20'th of March, God was going to kill me and torment me. .....feel like many people are secretly against me, that they hate me and wish me terrible harm. I sometimes even think my own family is plotting against me, and they only act like they love me.

Have you ever received any help from professional counsellors or health professionals because of these very negative thoughts? You sound like you should see them for your own long-term wellbeing.

If you believe in Christ then you are forgiven, you are free, you are cleansed from all sins, you are seen as pure in God's sight, you are a child of God. Father's Love Letter Text

 

[drich0150]

You can not really be serious with that reply? Is that really the best you can do? Fair enough. Do you follow the first commandment?

despite all of my limitations, "my reply" is what is needed to answer your questions.
If you think the number I give is too low when you ask what 1+1=? Then ask a question that yields a higher sum. My responses can only ever reflect the nature of content contained in your orginal question.

If so, great. I wish I could. Also, if you do, then how can I?

If you mean our Greatest command then Know you can not do this with out God's help as our capacity for love is not great enough. We are told how to get God's help in the first 1/2 of Luke 11.

And why am I having so much trouble obeying God's most important commandment?

Because you have placed yourself and your interests at the center of your own little world, leaving no room for God. We all have. We were all born this way. All we need to get out of this downward spiral is the desire to become what God wants us to become and the desire to follow the plan that He leaves in Luke 11. Even if your the center of your universe, one can still follow this plan.

 

[Faulty]

I try to have a relationship with Jesus, but it just doesn't seem to give me any ease of anxiety. I really do try to have a relationship with Jesus, I try really hard, but not even that gives me any ease. What am I doing wrong? What am I here for? Why do I even exist? Curse this stupidity of mine! As a result of my brain damage I don't understand or comprehend things like others do, I have come to the belief that my own stupidity will be the cause of my own damnation. Thank you God for allowing my brain damage. I do not believe God is love. I think he is a monster who loves torturing people.

You are right to a certain extent, God's wrath is currently directed towards you, because of your sin, but it is God who holds back His judgment out of mercy towards you, to give you opportunity to repent.

Paul puts it like this...

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind." Eph 2:1-3
​

Those who walk in their sin, are by nature objects of wrath. They have to be that way because God is good and just. Like any good judge, His justice must be fair. If a judge in this world just let a rapist go free, because he did some good charity work on the side, he would be declared an unjust judge, and rightly so. If God lets us slide on our sin because we've done some "good things" too, He would also be unjust.

But contrary to what you are thinking, it is not He who torments people in their sins, quite the opposite. Rather, God shows mercy instead. Torment comes from those who oppose God, and then blame Him for it.

As you will see, the good news is that Paul doesn't stop there...

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus." Eph 2:4-7
​

This is God's action towards us. God, rich in mercy, even while we were opposed to Him and guilty in our sins, He saves us out of that, for the purpose of not only knowing Him now, but also so He can display for us His kindness in the ages to come.

Now, for those who have repented and believed in the finished work of Jesus for the forgivness of our sins and reconciliation with God, Paul can rightly tell us, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death" Romans 8:1-2

There is no more condemnation for us who believe. We are no longer objects of His wrath, but sons in every sense of the word, adopted into His family, forever forgiven.

Repent, and trust Him alone for the forgivness of your sins, and you will be saved, and free from the torments of the enemy. This is not a work you can do, you cannot earn forgivness. It's total dependence on Him to do what He said He will do, as a small baby depends on and trusts in their parents to provide for them.

 

[FromTheDarknessToTheLight]

I have repented. Twice have I gone through all my sins, both known and unknown. After I do a minor sin I repent and try and turn away from it again. I have knocked on God's door, calling out to Him to please help me with my faith, and I receive nothing. I feel as if hes saying "it's too late now." I obey God's commandments to the best of my abilities, I used to frequently touch and look at inappropriate contentography, but it's been quite some time since I have done anything like that, which has been difficult because I was addicted to those things. I do not steal, I obey my mother and father, sometimes I may let loose some dishonest feelings toward God, but then I usually apologize and ask Him to forgive me because sometimes I think strange things I know I shouldn't, and some things of which I think seem to be out of my control. I realize that my obeying in God's commandments is not enough, just my faith and belief in what Jesus did for me is enough.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus." Eph 2:4-7

My problem seems to be the faith and belief that my sins really were not washed away by Christ's blood, even though I believe Jesus Christ and God exists. So I'm going to Hell already. Not that I don't want to believe, I DO but for some reason I don't. and I feel like I cant, like I have an inability to have faith that he died for my sins. Making me feel ABSOLUTELY HELPLESS because I know unless I do, I'm going to Hell. Pretty much I think "Well, if I die today, I'm going to Hell" Making my life miserable.

But contrary to what you are thinking, it is not He who torments people in their sins, quite the opposite. Rather, God shows mercy instead. Torment comes from those who oppose God, and then blame Him for it.

If I am opposing God, I sure don't know how I would be doing that. I'm not lying when I say I am earnestly seeking Him and His son, and doing my very best to follow His commandments, and believe in His son as Savior. I guess God simply hates those who are borderline mentally disabled. I must be an abomination in God's eyes because of my low IQ, and he probably does not allow borderline idiots in heaven.

In what ways are you struggling with that commandment?

I simply do not love God, I do not hate Him either unless he is the one showing me signs of my torment and future failures. It is not like I do not want to love God, perhaps I only want to love Him for salvation, and that seems wrong and selfish.

Because you have placed yourself and your interests at the center of your own little world, leaving no room for God. We all have. We were all born this way. All we need to get out of this downward spiral is the desire to become what God wants us to become and the desire to follow the plan that He leaves in Luke 11. Even if your the center of your universe, one can still follow this plan.

How have I placed myself and my interests at the center of my own world? I am trying my very best to have the faith needed to have a strong relationship with God and His son, but I cannot find that faith.

Have you ever received any help from professional counsellors or health professionals because of these very negative thoughts? You sound like you should see them for your own long-term wellbeing.

No, and it probably wouldn't help either. How could I ever feel better knowing my destination right now is Hell and I'm trying so hard to get right with God, but no matter what I do it does not get me any closer to salvation? My psychological problems are the least of my worries, compared to being tortured for all eternity.

God is love. Those visions are from your spiritual enemy. Don't accept his lies.

I simply do not believe this. I had a vision of me on my hands and knees in a white room on a stage with chairs all around, and a white door at the end, people would come in and out, they would stand or sit, and point and laugh at me. Later on not long after I read Psalm 52,

Why do you boast of evil, you mighty hero?
Why do you boast all day long,
you who are a disgrace in the eyes of God?
You who practice deceit,
your tongue plots destruction;
it is like a sharpened razor.
You love evil rather than good,
falsehood rather than speaking the truth.
You love every harmful word,
you deceitful tongue!
Surely God will bring you down to everlasting ruin:
He will snatch you up and pluck you from your tent;
he will uproot you from the land of the living.
The righteous will see and fear;
they will laugh at you, saying,
“Here now is the man
who did not make God his stronghold
but trusted in his great wealth
and grew strong by destroying others!”


I guess a lot of that Psalm was true about me at one time, but ever since I started seeking out God and His son, I've changed. Also, would Satan be capable of leading me to that page in the bible? I just turned to it at random, twice I might add. I am absolutely convinced this is God, and not Satan. As a result, how could I ever love or trust God? It would appear that I am not one of God's elect.

 

[Faulty]

I have repented. Twice have I gone through all my sins, both known and unknown. After I do a minor sin I repent and try and turn away from it again. I have knocked on God's door, calling out to Him to please help me with my faith, and I receive nothing. I feel as if hes saying "it's too late now." I obey God's commandments to the best of my abilities, I used to frequently touch and look at inappropriate contentography, but it's been quite some time since I have done anything like that, which has been difficult because I was addicted to those things. I do not steal, I obey my mother and father, sometimes I may let loose some dishonest feelings toward God, but then I usually apologize and ask Him to forgive me because sometimes I think strange things I know I shouldn't, and some things of which I think seem to be out of my control. I realize that my obeying in God's commandments is not enough, just my faith and belief in what Jesus did for me is enough.



My problem seems to be the faith and belief that my sins really were not washed away by Christ's blood, even though I believe Jesus Christ and God exists. So I'm going to Hell already. Not that I don't want to believe, I DO but for some reason I don't. and I feel like I cant, like I have an inability to have faith that he died for my sins. Making me feel ABSOLUTELY HELPLESS because I know unless I do, I'm going to Hell. Pretty much I think "Well, if I die today, I'm going to Hell" Making my life miserable.

If I am opposing God, I sure don't know how I would be doing that. I'm not lying when I say I am earnestly seeking Him and His son, and doing my very best to follow His commandments, and believe in His son as Savior. I guess God simply hates those who are borderline mentally disabled. I must be an abomination in God's eyes because of my low IQ, and he probably does not allow borderline idiots in heaven.

I simply do not love God, I do not hate Him either unless he is the one showing me signs of my torment and future failures. It is not like I do not want to love God, perhaps I only want to love Him for salvation, and that seems wrong and selfish.

I don't mean you are the one opposing Him. Rather those who seek to torment you, the devil and his angels.

Not stealing, honoring your mother and father, not lying, these are all good things, but will not earn favor with God. Scripture tells us that by the works of the Law no man will be justified, but the Law was given so that we may know our sin, and James tells us that those who seek to be justified by the Law, must keep the Law perfectly, from birth to death, a standard no man could live up to. It is designed to highlight to us that we are not perfected in the eyes of God through our own efforts and to make us realize that we need help from outside ourselves, and that help is through the righteousness of Jesus given to us so that the Father sees His Son when He looks upon us.

Now we know that whatever the law says it speaks to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be stopped, and the whole world may be held accountable to God. For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin.
Romans 3:19-20
​

When you say you try to have a relationship with Him, and it's through what you have done, know this, your efforts will not get you there but His efforts will, when you trust in them alone.

Also know this, no man seeks the Father on his own, but only when the Father draws him. This you are going through is actually a wonderful sign that the Father is drawing you to Himself, you are so close to salvation.

 

[mindfulness]

Just because you have these feelings doesn't mean you're not going to heaven when you expire. What makes you think this? Many Christians feel the same as you about God (religion does wonders for this), so you're not alone.

 

[joey_downunder]

I have repented. Twice have I gone through all my sins, both known and unknown. After I do a minor sin I repent and try and turn away from it again.

The apostle Paul describes your experience perfectly. Romans 7:15-20

Every single believer - including the apostle Paul- goes through this battle of the flesh, when we try to stop sinning by our own strength, by sheer will-power etc.

I have knocked on God's door, calling out to Him to please help me with my faith, and I receive nothing. I feel as if hes saying "it's too late now."

You are receiving an answer - you've been "sent" here. You have already had some excellent responses from other people.

I obey God's commandments to the best of my abilities, I used to frequently touch and look at inappropriate contentography, but it's been quite some time since I have done anything like that, which has been difficult because I was addicted to those things.....

That is EXCELLENT!!! God IS working in your life. Doesn't that show you you must have become a christian at one stage? Ephesians 2:1-9

Not that I don't want to believe, I DO but for some reason I don't. and I feel like I cant, like I have an inability to have faith that he died for my sins. Making me feel ABSOLUTELY HELPLESS because I know unless I do, I'm going to Hell.

I struggled for years with what you describe. I kept on looking at myself to see if I had enough faith to qualify to be a christian. I had fallen for the "if you have faith in your own faith, then you are a christian" lie from the Enemy. WRONG.It is faith in JESUS that saves us, not faith in your faith.

yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified. (Galatians 2:16)

I guess God simply hates those who are borderline mentally disabled. I must be an abomination in God's eyes because of my low IQ, and he probably does not allow borderline idiots in heaven.

If you genuinely think you are not intelligent enough to be a christian then what do you think of some entries you see in other areas? No grammar, shocking spelling, bad punctuation, poor vocabulary.... do you think all those people way less literate than yourself (and I don't remember seeing any errors from you) are not going to go to Heaven as well?

Who did Jesus love? Mark 10:13-16

I simply do not love God...... perhaps I only want to love Him for salvation, and that seems wrong and selfish.

You are like every one of us then. We are all sinners. We do not love God as He deserves. Instead He loves us so much He sent Jesus to die for our sins before we believed in Him and turned from our sins.

In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. (1 John 4:10)

I guess a lot of that Psalm was true about me at one time, but ever since I started seeking out God and His son, I've changed.

Then you are saved. You will NOT go to Hell, you WILL go to Heaven to be with your Heavenly Father, who will treat you with the love and consideration and respect that you deserve.

Also, would Satan be capable of leading me to that page in the bible? I just turned to it at random, twice I might add. I am absolutely convinced this is God, and not Satan. As a result, how could I ever love or trust God? It would appear that I am not one of God's elect.

No Satan isn't that powerful. However it sounds like a very negative thought was planted i.e. psalm 52 somehow referred to you not Doeg (King Saul's chief sheperd). . Here is the background to that psalm. Psalm 52 | Werner Bible Commentary
Unfortunately you took that lie as truth. You now know better. Reject that lie and accept God's mercy and love that He ALREADY has for you.

Have you ever read anything about the need for christians to be in full spiritual armour to protect yourself from future attacks? Here is the passage: Ephesians 6:10-20
If you google "spiritual armour God" you will find some very helpful results.

You will get the strength from GOD not yourself.

 

[drich0150]

I have repented. Twice have I gone through all my sins, both known and unknown.

I hate to tell you this but no where in the bible are we required to catalog all of our sins.

After I do a minor sin I repent and try and turn away from it again. I have knocked on God's door, calling out to Him to please help me with my faith, and I receive nothing.

Is this your response to Luke 11?

I feel as if hes saying "it's too late now."

It's too late for you for masturbating, but for Paul who killed men women and children for being Christians it wasn't. Why do you think that is?

I obey God's commandments to the best of my abilities, I used to frequently touch and look at inappropriate contentography, but it's been quite some time since I have done anything like that, which has been difficult because I was addicted to those things. I do not steal, I obey my mother and father, sometimes I may let loose some dishonest feelings toward God, but then I usually apologize and ask Him to forgive me because sometimes I think strange things I know I shouldn't, and some things of which I think seem to be out of my control. I realize that my obeying in God's commandments is not enough, just my faith and belief in what Jesus did for me is enough.

Which means what? Because everything you have said to this point is based on your ability to obey all of Gods commandments.

How have I placed myself and my interests at the center of my own world?

How have you not? Your next statement is a good example of how you have:

I am trying my very best to have the faith needed to have a strong relationship with God and His son, but I cannot find that faith.

Your efforts here are the measure and limit you use to define your efforts

 

[FromTheDarknessToTheLight]

It's too late for you for masturbating, but for Paul who killed men women and children for being Christians it wasn't. Why do you think that is?

Are you here to help or are you here to merely judge me and make me feel worse? So my masturbating was far worse than Paul's killing of Christians? Did you mean that as a question or just a way to say I could not be forgiven?

It's too late for you for masturbating, but for Paul who killed men women and children for being Christians it wasn't(.) Why do you think that is?

Or

It's too late for you for masturbating, but for Paul who killed men women and children for being Christians it wasn't(?) Why do you think that is?

It does say in the bible that you must repent of your sins. All known and unknown. God recently made me have a dream where I was speaking of a sin that I had forgotten to repent of. As soon as I awoke I repented of it. God also says that after we repent we must turn away (stop doing) the sin we repented of.

 

[joey_downunder]

I think you took what drich0150 typed completely the wrong way. It was a question he thought you would automatically think and/or say that if the apostle Paul was able to be forgiven for murders of christians THEN you for sure will be forgiven when you believe in Jesus (and confess your sins).

 

[FromTheDarknessToTheLight]

I think you took what drich0150 typed completely the wrong way. It was a question he thought you would automatically think and/or say that if the apostle Paul was able to be forgiven for murders of christians THEN you for sure will be forgiven when you believe in Jesus (and confess your sins).

I appreciate your previous reply a few days ago. I feel it had helped me.

I don't know what I should do, I feel that my faith is very weak, and I don't know what to do. Should I just simply sit back and pray everyday that God helps me strengthen my faith? I can think of no other way for me to grow in faith. I've read the book of John and Luke, it has not yet helped me strengthen my faith. It is strange, and maddening.

God showed me, an atheist, in a vision while I was awake to go to His son and believe in Him and make Him my Lord. An atheist who had previously despised and hated Christianity. Yet it seems I still have some disbelief in many things. For the life of me I cannot understand why I still have such disbelief in many things, especially since God worked a miracle in my life and plainly led me to His son.

I believe in my heart that the Christian God is real, as well as His son, after that vision. So why I still have disbelief in the forgiveness of my sins, I do not know. It must be the enemy, that is the only thing I can think of. After God showed me that vision Satan started attacking me in my dreams, and places thoughts in my head about my salvation and my belief. The sad thing is, he is doing a very good job at confusing me.

I will try putting on the armor of God every morning and before bed, to see if that will keep the enemy from confusing me. God bless you guys. I'll still check this thread for posts, however I feel a little better now. You guys have given me strength. You will all be in my prayers.

 

[joey_downunder]

Have you heard stories of christians who suddenly "see the light" and got the impression they didn't have any struggle or battle to overcome while passing from "darkness to light" i.e. unbelief to strong faith in God? I battled with passing through the twilight zone for quite a long time before I finally stayed in the light.

How about you go to new christians section for support from mature christians as well?