Dear Nathan,
Greetings to you in the name of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!
It is humbling to read such heartfelt honesty from a young man such as yourself.
Well...from what I can tell...you have absolutely NOTHING to worry about (although I can understand your anxiety).
By way of quick introduction, I am a convert. I came into the Church about 10 years ago when I was in my early 40s. I was raised Protestant (Methodist), but when I was in my early 30s I became pretty apostate. That is to say, I had a crisis of faith and stopped going to any sort of church or being faithful to Christianity in any way.
Rather than dig deeper and "keep up the good fight" to work my way through my faith crisis - I just gave up and didn't even try...much to my shame. Instead of going to church on Sundays...I stayed home and worshipped the god of the National Football League (Go Vikings!).
And I grew rather comfortable in my apostasy. It is easy to wallow in sin and not hold yourself accountable for what you do or what you don't do. Don't get me wrong, I was a good law-abiding person - but I was no choirboy either if you catch my general drift.
But all along I knew something was not quite right. I was quietly and inwardly still seeking out something that I was not aware of.
It's rather a long story, so I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say that after 10 years of drifting about and being lost on a sea of doubts and uncertainty...after living 10 years without God in my life...after 10 years of licentiousness and sinful habits...I discovered the Catholic faith - which came as a complete and utterly unexpected shock. Catholicism wasn't even on my radar screen, much less something that I would have - ordinarily - found appealing given my personal independence and embrace of a "free spirit" lifestyle.
But discover it I did. I began to study its history and its doctrines. I began to watch some Catholic television including televised Masses. I knew enough to be dangerous in that I didn't quite understand what I was watching - but I knew that that was something I needed to continue to study. It became very attractive to me...perhaps in many ways not too differently than how you feel attracted to it.
Eventually I decided to go to my first Mass. It was a Saturday and I quietly slipped in just as it was about to start. I sat in the back and crouched as low as possible and tried to "hide" as if it was obvious to everyone else that I was an outsider. I didn't quite know what to expect, so I decided that I would just copy what other people were doing. When in Rome...do what the Romans do. Right? So I stood and sat and knelt and pretended to recite the various prayers and responses.
But along the way, something very beautiful happened, and everytime I think of it, I cannot help but be moved again as if it was happening to me all over again.
I noticed that many of the things being said in the Mass were things I had heard before or read from the Bible. In other words, lots of things the priest and people were saying...well...they were direct quotations. So that began to make me feel more comfortable. I heard things like "Lift up your hearts" while the people respond with "We lift them up to the Lord" - and then the priest says "We give thanks to the Lord" and the people reply "It is right to give God thanks and praise"...and I began to think - "Yes - it IS right to give God thanks and praise...even though I have NOT been doing that for years and years...what an evil and wicked person I have become...how un-deserving I am"... And I began to despair...
But then...like the voice of an angel...the "Cantor" (the person in the Mass who is the singer) began to sing something that changed my life forever. The Cantor sings, "Lamb of God...." to which the people join in and everyone sings together "...You take away the sins of the world. Have mercy on us" and this is repeated three times...Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us. Finally the Cantor sings one more time, "Lamb of God..." and we all end it with "you take away the sins of the world...Grant us your peace..."
At that moment I melted into a puddle. At that moment I felt God's Breath upon me and I knew a peacefulness that I had never experienced before - I knew that God had NOT foresaken me, even though I had wickedly foresaken Him. The PILES and PILES of sins I had stored up were as nothing to Him in His Infinite Forgiveness. The burden of my sins were lifted...I had lifted up my heart to the Lord...I gave Him thanks and praise...and Christ - the Lamb of God - He HAD mercy on me and granted me the peace that we all cried out for during that Mass.
I became a Catholic (at least in my heart - I still had to go to the classes and all that sort of thing) at that very moment and haven't looked back. Thanks be to God!
Now, you expressed some concern about confession. Let me assure you...there is NOTHING you will possibly confess to him that he hasn't already heard about a jillion times (especially if the main sins are inappropriate contentography and "that other thing"). I promise you that you will feel the weight fall from your back like water off a duck. You will be amazed at how great it feels...and...from my experience...most of the priests I have confessed to are the most loving, caring, compassionate, and helpful men I have ever been blessed to meet.
So, Nate - NO - it is NOT too late for you. You can be saved. God desires YOUR personal salvation more than anything else in the world. God desires it so much that He sent His only begotten Son to earth JUST TO SAVE YOU. He loves you that much. You - just like me before - are his prodigal son, and when He sees you walking down the road to "come home" - He will rush out to greet you...He will accept your repentance - He will wrap His loving embrace around you and celebrate your return to Him with a heavenly feast.
While fear of the Lord is a good and healthy thing, we must not despair of it or somehow think that our sins are somehow more weighty or powerful than His Mercy, Benevolence, and Love for you. God's Mercy is LITERALLY infinitely greater than any sin you can ever commit. After all, God is more powerful than Satan - so He is also more powerful than your sins. Do not despair - REJOICE!
As you go through your journey of faith - and if you decide to become Catholic - you will be shocked (at least I was) at how uplifting the Sacraments are. It is a good thing to confess to a priest now and then (like a good spiritual checkup - he can help guide you just like a doctor can help your body be healthy), and the power of the Eucharist is just amazing. Frequent reception of the Sacraments along with worship and hearing God's Word can provide supernatural aid to help you along in life. Life is hard enough - isn't is nice that those of us who are burdened can go to Jesus and find rest?
Be at peace now, Nate, and prayerfully think about this...and then take the plunge and go to Mass.
Feel free to PM me any time you want - and feel free to ask questions about our beliefs and practices. I enjoy teaching others, and sometimes I might even learn a thing or two from newbies like you along the way.
God's Peace,
NewMan